Quote From: darcyloveMy grandmother has became ill in recent days. This is my last living grandparent. Her husband (my grandfather) passed away last year. My other grandmother died a couple years ago and her husband died when I was very young.
My parents and my father's sisters seem to have found other things in their lives to move on to leaving my grandmother all by herself. My parents are in Florida for the winter (although will be around for a few days over Christmas). My father's sisters pretty much are doing this same thing with their lives. My oldest brother some time ago took on this need to take care of his aging grandparents and my parents pretty much have sat back and allowed him to do this. My mothers says it is his (my brother) need to be needed.
Well last evening my brother calls me to see which night I have taken to care for my grandmother. And although I do not want my grandmother not to have someone to take care of her....I am really very upset at my parents for puting me in this position. With having my own children (my youngest still a child) and my own business to run....it is very difficult for me at this point in my life to put that aside and take care of a aging grandmother. WHen my husband's parents were dying.....I found having children and jobs made taking care of them very stressful. And we did it because they were his parents and it was our responsibility to take care of them. But now was my father's mom is dying and he is basking in the sun in Florida and asking us who have family and work committments to take care of his mother.
What do I say to my parents? What do I not say to my parents? How do I some day get past this when my parents need me to care for them when they couldn't be here to take care of their parents? What do I say to my brother when he calls asking for me to do the job my father should be doing?
I think my biggest problem with all of this is once again realizing that my parents lack everything. I know if I would fall sick or my children or husband woulf all sick....they would not be at my side. And it hurts.
So do I not be with my son and help him with his homework or see him or to school or not fill a customer's order because I need to do what my parents refuse to do? And if I choose to not be at my grandmother's side....who will be there for her?
You know that my 84 year old mother has Alzheimer's and that I do everything I can to help her; i.e. pay her bills, make sure she eats regularly, take her out shopping and to lunch/dinner, make phone calls for her, mow her lawn and do her yardwork in the summer and shovel her snow during the winter. Her condition is not too bad right now but will get worse sooner than later. I may not have shared that she owns her own home and that my disabled 61 yr old brother lives with her. He does what he can for her and they look out for each other, so she is not alone. That in itself is a big help, although my brother's heath is worsening. He has congestive heart disease and other problems. I have 3 other living brothers in the area, and an oldest brother who lives out of state. My youngest brother was murdered in 1994 at age 23. My 3 brothers in the area do NOTHING to help my mother. Two of them are married with children. Their wives do not help either, even though they themselves have lost their mothers in recent years. Case in point: my mother had a pacemaker implanted last March. After she was released from the hospital, I asked my two married brothers and their wives if they wouldn't mind taking turns looking in on her at home and helping with housework, shopping, and caring for her. I said I would bathe her and dress her every day, as well as cook for her and make sure she ate. My one sister-in-law offered to come over and rearrange my mother's furniture (!). When I said that that would not be necessary, that moving my mom's furniture around might lead to my mother injuring herself, and maybe she could do her grocery shopping instead, my sister-in-law said she would do that. Well, she didn't do the shopping or anything else. She never came over to look in on my mother at all. My other sister-in-law said she would go over twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, to clean and make a meal. She came over once, visited for half an hour, left and never returned. Her husband, the brother I like the most, works insane hours, so I did not expect much from him. My other brother, the one married to the furniture rearranger, complained about doing anything and bitterly criticized my disabled brother, the one who lives with my mom. He said "why should I have to do anything for mom, that lazy s.o.b. that lives with her can do it." My disabled brother's lungs and heart are so weak and damaged he can't walk across a room without gasping for breath. This "compassionate" brother even stopped coming over once a month to mow the lawn like he used to do, so I mowed it all this summer. My younger unmarried brother is a parasite and drug user, so I refrained from asking his help. My point in sharing this is, even though they, for whatever valid or bogus reasons, refused to help out even after they agreed to, that did not exempt me from doing what I can to help my mom. I do what I can, when I can, and that is good enough. What others do or do not do is irrelevant. I do not have the time or energy to get caught up in "who should do" for her, or get angry when they fail to come through for her. My energy and mental health are too precious to me to play that nasty little game.
I do not think, Darcy, that you should waste your precious energy talking to your parents about this. it would fall on deaf ears anyway. You would shake up their nice little world of denial and make them feel bad, guilty, and they would certainly make you pay for that. It reminds me of another of my favorite adages: "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig." Taking care of aging parents or grandparents while still raising children is a common scene for people of our age. We are called the "sandwich generation." Sandwiched between our obligations to our spouses and children and our parents and grandparents. There are many helpful resources and publications available to help you figure this out. It is not an easy road to navigate. But if you do anything else, cut yourself some slack, consider all your resources and options, do not fall prey to guilt, and make a healthy, informed decision that does its best to serve yourself, your family, and your obligations. Hope I have helped you. Take care. ~J~
