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Topic : Pornography

Number of Replies: 27679
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:18:48 pm
Author : dataimport

Good or bad, does porn play a part in your life? Talk about it here.


For support, please visit the How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship message board.

 

Please note: While a mature discussion about pornography is the purpose of this board, any posts that are attacking towards another poster, or are too graphic in nature, will be removed at the moderators' discretion.



As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 26, 2005, 1:25 pm CDT

Hi SAndman

Quote From: sandman4u

I think Kimikomine hit the nail on the head with her post. After watching porn stars do their thing, it gets same old same old after awhile. Men often go to teen sites because it's here that the young women are beautiful and natural, not made up or have implants. Often times there are also amateur video clips in these sites as well, which is different and more titillating than the obviously staged porn movies. It's natural for men to be curious about what women/teens look like underneath their clothes. It's been this way since the beginning of time! Even if they have a gorgeous wife, they will always wonder what other women look like naked. Porn viewing is an enjoyable activity thatdoes not reflect on how menfeel about their wives; rather it reflects on how they feel about sexuality and their sexual fantasies. If only women couldunderstand this! They think it's all aboutTHEM - and it isn't!
 HOw are you? Time away gave us all a chance to go on with our lives, huh? How is your summer? In reference to what you said about my porn becomming blaise after a while, different stimulation is usually preferred because even porn can become ho-hum. Just like when you are with the same person day in and day out.....even the best looking ones look average after a while. It's the nature of the beast and even though we can still love one another, the excitement wanes. From what I have seen in my long life of 44 years, is on any given day, our needs can go from one extreme to the next.....emotionally/physically. It is unrealistic to believe a "one" individual will be able to be what we want, when we want, them to be. I wish people could really be 100% honest with one another about what we need on any given day so that at least we know what the other person is really feeling. We are so afraid of the truth sometimes that we would rather live in denial and believe what we want. It's the only assurance we have of keeping things the way they are.....even if they are not really good for us or others. Not to get too philosophical....:)   Back to sex.

I just want to say that I would assume most women do know their spouses' porn use has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the guy. I do believe most women get so pissy about it is because the guys that we are with, that look at porn, have phone sex, maybe even go to strip clubs once in a while, are anything but good lovers. The price of these guys getting their needs met outside of the relationship is creating a lack of lust in the relationships that we are in. Women, or at least in my case, would never be satisfied with just looking at porn in place of sex.  When I look (ed) at porn, it might have given me the 20 -10 second orgasms, guaranteed, but what it eventually did do was make me want real sex even more. ie....I don't understand the mindset where a guy says "he does it to keep from having an affair" when in actuality, it drives me ( woman to seek it). Just my side. Take care.
 
July 26, 2005, 1:30 pm CDT

i think

Quote From: allinall

explain to her how much she was hurting him and how what she was doing was damaging the relationship...the way he ALWAYS does with the men. He concentrated on how to make her feel better about herself and understand that it likely wasn't her fault so she could make the change. Had the man been the woman he would have said get out of the relationship...in no uncertain terms. He just rarely puts the same level of need to change on the women as he does the men.

Let's get very real. Dr. Phil does not hold women to as nearly high a standard of personal responsibility in how they affect the relationship as he does men. I respect Dr. Phil and his overall message. The fact just is that he needs to be a bit kinder (most of the time) to the women because that's his largest viewer base.

Dr Phil has a great amount of respect for women....and that is why he is kind to them. I think he has been taught to talk to women a certain way from childhood....does that mean that he should talk to men differently...no....but I think this is why you see what you do.

Now...I have seen him get real with women on the show....I have! Awhile back he had on the show a family in crisis and he very much thought this wife in this marriage had contributed so much turmoil to this marriage. Maybe....he gets to know his guest a little....maybe he analayzes his guest and knows what style he needs to take with each person.

I don't think he was mean to the guy who used porn....quiet the contary....he called him "honest" when I thought the man had so many justifications and wasn't being honest. The reason he used porn had nothing to do with it being a guy thing....that was just his excuse. The underlining honesty was one thing and one thing only....that he didn't want to stop. The rest...1. i did it since I was a teen 2. all guys do it 3. it is all I have....well those were all just excuses to justify his behavior. Never once did he say "I have a real problem and I need some help to make this right." that to me would have been honest.

so was Phil easier on her than he was on this other porn addict guy....NO!

 
July 26, 2005, 1:44 pm CDT

bad format

This "reply with a quote" thing is NOT working. Without the outline format, it's just damn near impossible to keep up with. I think from now on I'm going to simply post a new message whenever I want to reply to someone and put that person's screen name on the title line. This is soooooooo frustrating.

 
July 26, 2005, 1:56 pm CDT

Actually

Quote From: darcylove

Dr Phil has a great amount of respect for women....and that is why he is kind to them. I think he has been taught to talk to women a certain way from childhood....does that mean that he should talk to men differently...no....but I think this is why you see what you do.

Now...I have seen him get real with women on the show....I have! Awhile back he had on the show a family in crisis and he very much thought this wife in this marriage had contributed so much turmoil to this marriage. Maybe....he gets to know his guest a little....maybe he analayzes his guest and knows what style he needs to take with each person.

I don't think he was mean to the guy who used porn....quiet the contary....he called him "honest" when I thought the man had so many justifications and wasn't being honest. The reason he used porn had nothing to do with it being a guy thing....that was just his excuse. The underlining honesty was one thing and one thing only....that he didn't want to stop. The rest...1. i did it since I was a teen 2. all guys do it 3. it is all I have....well those were all just excuses to justify his behavior. Never once did he say "I have a real problem and I need some help to make this right." that to me would have been honest.

so was Phil easier on her than he was on this other porn addict guy....NO!

The guy who did not see a problem was willing to quit just because it did hurt her. I see no reason for Phil to lash the guy when he is willing to quite just because it caused her harm.

That is not comparible to his giving justifications and being wrong. He was not justifying. He was saying he didn't see a problem outside her not likeing it. Again, sayhing he would quit for that reason alone.

In the vain of his justifying aren't you justifying when you say you don't like porn? Everyone justifys, if you will, when they don't like or do like something, anything and say so?! In my opinion yes they are.
 
July 26, 2005, 2:09 pm CDT

Now I'm getting irritated lol

These new boards SUCK!  I can't tell which way I'm supposed to navigate through here to get to the MOST RECENT messages!  In any case, lilacmess....it seems you were speaking of the 'wanting' part of how you feel sexually towards your husband.  And I'd have to say, there IS something to be said for wanting a woman so bad you can feel it!  But that depends how long that feeling goes on...

Your husband's libido is quite unusual.  There is hormonal therapy he could try (for regular men - work, catastrophe or the end of the world LOL wouldn't prevent them from initiating sex with their wives hehe) or perhaps Viagra.  I don't think his sex drive is normal, which isn't your problem!  You deserve to be pleased and pursued in the manner in which you like, whether his work schedule interferes or other normal life stresses.  You are being deprived!  My opinion only lol.

 
July 26, 2005, 2:21 pm CDT

Kimokine

Have you noticed that the Backspace key does NOT work on the above Message Title bar? Damn, my irish, scottish temper is beginning to flare lol..... in any case...

You say that most of the men who look at porn are less than good lovers....tell me this: what if there were some men that were very good lovers who also used porn?  And what does that have to do with anything?  I'll put it this way:  When we watch porn and get aroused, we're watching the beautiful women in the porn vid doing things either with a man (or with a woman woohoo) that WE want to do WITH OUR WIVES the next time they seem willing to have such an encounter!  I fiind what I'm getting aroused by is not only because the women are beautiful, but also because I anticipate being with my wife in this way!  And wondering how she'll look on top of me, with her leg on my shoulder, etc and all the awesome things that go along with that.  I wish women would understand this!!!  Is there a star somewhere for me to wish upon lol???   

 
July 26, 2005, 2:22 pm CDT

darcylove

Quote From: darcylove

hey Phil moderators!!!! is there a way we can make the message type bigger? I have real trouble reading the smaller script and if I change it through the internet options (ignore font size)....it messes up the text. Can we go to a 16 or 18 font on these boards? It would really help! thanks!
You can increase the font size by editing "My Profile", it's towards the bottom after you click to edit. Note: The font will only appear larger when you're logged in.
 
July 26, 2005, 2:51 pm CDT

arrrggghhhhhhhh!

I just lost a really long message, too. This sucks. I definitely don't have the energy to retype it.
 
July 26, 2005, 2:55 pm CDT

sandman

I tried to post a long response to you but it disappeared. Poof! It's going to take me a while to get over being pissed about it before I feel like rethinking and retyping what I already thought and typed.
 
July 26, 2005, 2:56 pm CDT

Porn addiction improved

Hi all. I have been married for a year and 6 months before our marriage, I discovered that my husband had an addiction to internet porn.  It affected our relationship because he found that he couldn't be aroused by me.  I was very similar to Kiza from Dr. Phil's show about sex issues.  However, I consulted friends and family and determined that I wouldn't marry my husband unless he went to counseling with a specialist.  He did so and after weeks of therapy, his "need" to turn to porn decreased.  In therapy he discussed his issue with his own self-esteem as the root of his addiction.  That is what he really needed to address.

We did get married and have had a pretty good first year. We are both aware that the porn addiction might be something that comes up again and we are willing to address it in a professional manner.

 I felt compelled to post because it seems like most of the posts are so negative and I think that our story is a positive one. I know that my husband loves me deeply and he's willing to change, which has made this road easier. 

For those who need more resources, my husband's therapist is a member of the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity which has resources for people looking for therapists, etc.  The website is www.ncsac.com. 
 
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