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Topic : Pornography

Number of Replies: 27679
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:18:48 pm
Author : dataimport

Good or bad, does porn play a part in your life? Talk about it here.


For support, please visit the How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship message board.

 

Please note: While a mature discussion about pornography is the purpose of this board, any posts that are attacking towards another poster, or are too graphic in nature, will be removed at the moderators' discretion.



As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

May 30, 2009, 8:00 pm CDT

Pornography

Quote From: tonyahrt

My fiance has been calling chat lines & looking at porn. He has a Iphone and I checked the history of internet use and there was porn..I also checked his call log and he called chat lines & even charged some stuff on his credit card. He swears he didnt talk to anyone on the chat lines but that is hard to believe because he was on them for 30 - 45 minutes several times in one day. I hate this ...we have been together for 3 years and have a 2 year old son. I really dont have anywhere to go , I am a stay at home mom..so I have no money just a car. He woke me up this morning at 1 am for sex ..and I found the porn on his phone before he left for work. so he looked at it then wanted sex from me. I already think he doesnt want me sometimes but this really makes it worse..what is a girl to do?
At least he isn't going elsewhere for the sex, but maybe you should talk to him about cutting back on the porn a bit, especially if it makes you feel insecure.  I think that the chat lines need to be cut out though, as this will also end up being a financial problem as well as an emotional one.  Just hang in there.
 
June 11, 2009, 10:02 am CDT

Porn is just part of the problem.

There has been an erosion happening in our marriage for a few years, I don't know when it started but certainly my husbands inpending retirement from the airline at age 60 is part of it.  The fact that this is not our first marriage and our children are not  with eachother. So in and effort to appease his guilt over abandoning is youngest daughter at the age of one, he has used his relationship with me to offer babysitting and the last one was to make mepack up and move out of my home so her and her husband and children could come to our home in Mexico for a vacation.  i objected for a YEAR.  Finally i gave in  and they took over the house . I promptly had an anxiety attack, Icould not stay in the motorhome that I had moved into. i spent hours on the rooftop of my home wondering what to do .  Since then i have had increasing trouble trusting my husband.  it has affected my ability to be intimate with him.   Recently he has been sneeking around on porn sites on the computer and on Tv. Immediately clicking off when I return home.  When confronted he said he was ashamed and it didnt mean anything.  The discussion esclated. i said I felt he had cheated on me and that it was just confirming my lact of trust in him and I felt it was just the tip of the iceburg as to what he was withholding from me.  He said I was a man hater and was there anything i wanted to apologise for?  We are both in 12 step programs.  mine is Al-Anon his AA.  I have a sponsor and have been working diligently on my 12 steps but have hit a wall with regard to Step 9.  Made amends to those persons you had harmed whereever possible, except when to do so would injury them or others.   I am at a loss as to think about my marriage.  My trust in my husband my be gone.
 
July 25, 2009, 6:47 pm CDT

Interracial Pornography

Quote From: lynn6012

Hello - I am new to this board and looking for some neutral advice, suggestions, etc.  I'm 48 and my husband is 45 and we've been married 4 years (we both had previous marriages).  Before we were married, I found porn stuff from him on the computer (only one time) and we talked about it and he fessed up and stopped it - which should have been a huge red flag for me right there.  Well, not even 6 months to a year into the marriage we were arguing about it again, and I continued to find more.  To make a long story short here, our sex life has never been really 'great' and it has dwindled down to about twice a month.  I have a program installed on my computer as well as the laptop which reveals everything to me.  It is downright sickening.  He spends countless hours during work online chatting, exchanging emails and pics, and has at least 5-8 different profiles out there that he uses to disguise himself - mostly posing as "me" doing all sorts of sex acts, teasing, cheating, you name it.  His main addiction is interracial sex and his porn world evolves around that and the sites that offer such material.  I'm not opposed to watching the occasional porn film - together that is - when it's in a healthy relationship, but this is not healthy!  I've never felt so degraded in my life and although I love him, I resent what he's doing and each day I lose more respect for him.  I will never trust him again, no matter what. 

 

So, if I confront him again, ultimatums only work for a little while.  It seems like a useless trap.  I also know I could destroy him with the information I have - he could lose his job and/or I could press charges.  The downside is that we'd lose our house/hobby farm and everything else we have. 

Hi...I am new to this board as well...And I don't know what to do or what to feel....I am 35 years old and in the middle of a crisis. Do I leave? Do I stay? Does he care? He used to make me feel like I was the only woman in the entire world!!! I used to feel sooooo good with him and so confident. I don't know much of anything right now.  I am so hurt and ashamed of my husbands porn site obssession its sick.  Should I feel hurt? Scared? Jealous? Dumbfounded? Is there help for him...Is it that serious? I don't know, I just need some place to talk about it, because my husband seems to think that this is not a big deal. He said he would stop...Just like you all hear.  But he hasn't, I told him I feel hurt etc.  Just HELP!!! I am going insane sometimes.  How did you all deal with this? You are all so strong.  Can someone please help?
 
July 25, 2009, 6:49 pm CDT

Pornography

Quote From: joline

I feel with you! if you all read each others posts you'll see your stories arent much diffrent! so too is mine, Kimmi's and so many other women out there! I hope all of you find this board as comforting and helpfullas I did! I came here about 5 years ago, with a story so simmilar to all of yours! my husband is a Porn addict! He admits it and tries very very hard to not look at it that much any more! but our storie is one of very violent fights and allot of degrading humiliating things that happend between us! so often he would rather watch porn then touch me or otherwise only touch me after watching porn! I did every thing to try and distract his mind from the porn, believe me every thing even stripping for him etc. I spoke to numerous men on the proporn board here, and even got to believing the whole thing was my fault! but now I want all of you girls(women) here to know ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. theres nothing you could do for him to NOt look at porn. they get addicted before most of us even meet them , because its not a drug, they think its safe but some how it changes them , it changes the way they look at us, they way they touch us and the way they love us! YOU CANNOT CHANGE THEM!  YOU CANNOT FIX THIS, THEY NEED TO REALIZE THTA THEY HAVE A PROBLEM AND GO FOR HELP! PLEASE DON'T BLAME YOUR SELVES i KNOW THAT THIS BREAKS DOWN YOUR SELFESTEAM , BELIEVE ME I KNOW. this takes time! It took me to leave him for a whole weekend before he realized that I was serious about it before he realize that I could not live like that any more! he is an addict, i can't change that but he tries very hard every day!  its sad to see somany women hurting the way I did (and some times still do) but all I can do now is take it one day at a time and hope he doesn't get so bad again! kimmi and all the old folk here know what I have been thtough as I know what she has! its noteasy, and to all of you if you arent married to the men leave! leave NOW and don't come back! for those that are married without kids, seperate and see how things go! for those with kids: do you really want your kids raised with that? even then its better to try to leave! tell him you will leave if the porn doesnt go or if you don't go for help!

years ago there was a man on the porn board nicknamed Jeff. . . jeff and i had allot of conversations, he thought his wife didn't mind his porn use, and also believed that she supported him. then she left and jeff fell to pieces! Jeff started to realy listen to what we were saying. he finaly started realising how his usage made her feel, and he started to change! it was a heart renching situation! he did every thing he could! last I heard they were trying to work things out! for allot of us there is an happy ending! you just have to keep on hoping and praying! I wish you all the luck in the world , and will try to come online soon so that if there is any thing that you would like to ask or say ! please feel free my life is an open book!

God bless you all!

Love

Joline

Joline---

My GOSH!!! I feel for you!  How do you get through this...I am in the middle of this right now....this very second.  How???? Can we help each other?  Bless you for your courage!! Please help me.

Jill

 
July 30, 2009, 10:19 am CDT

I am in the same situation

Quote From: wer4everone

Joline---

My GOSH!!! I feel for you!  How do you get through this...I am in the middle of this right now....this very second.  How???? Can we help each other?  Bless you for your courage!! Please help me.

Jill

I just found out my husband of 18 years is addicted to porn.  I found out due to getting a virus on my computer and my brother was helping me clean out my computer and we found all of these sites that he has been on.  I confided in my friend and her husband is my husband's best friend.  She broke down crying and told me some disturbing news that she had found out a week ago.  Her husband told her about my husband asking him to come up to our office in the house where the computer is so he could show him some porn sites.  When they were looking at them my husband started masterbating himself in front of his friend.  I ask my friend if my husband tried to touch her husband and she said no but my husband told her husband that he is so addicted to porn that is masterbates to it everyday that I am not home.  He told him that he feels like a pervert but cannot control it.  I am so upset and I am wanting to confront him but dont know how.  We have a 6 year old together and I dont want him to grow up in this environment.  Please give me some guidance.
 
July 30, 2009, 8:24 pm CDT

other site?

Quote From: reallysad

I just found out my husband of 18 years is addicted to porn.  I found out due to getting a virus on my computer and my brother was helping me clean out my computer and we found all of these sites that he has been on.  I confided in my friend and her husband is my husband's best friend.  She broke down crying and told me some disturbing news that she had found out a week ago.  Her husband told her about my husband asking him to come up to our office in the house where the computer is so he could show him some porn sites.  When they were looking at them my husband started masterbating himself in front of his friend.  I ask my friend if my husband tried to touch her husband and she said no but my husband told her husband that he is so addicted to porn that is masterbates to it everyday that I am not home.  He told him that he feels like a pervert but cannot control it.  I am so upset and I am wanting to confront him but dont know how.  We have a 6 year old together and I dont want him to grow up in this environment.  Please give me some guidance.

Hi!  Have you tried going to the "How Porn has hurt our relationship" site?  I'm new to these message boards, but Kimi has been helpful.

 

Do you know what your husband's best friend's reaction was?  It might help to get his perspective.  I'm sure it had to be disturbing.  Maybe he confided in his friend because he knows he needs help, but doesn't know how to reach out to you.  At least he acknowledges he feels like a pervert.  Most of our husbands think it isn't a big deal and we need to get over it.  "Men our visual creatures, we all do it, it's totally normal."  Since he admitted to his friend he feels like a pervert, I think you have hope.

 

I'm not sure how you should confront him, but I don't think you should go in guns blazing.  I do think you should confront him.  I don't see how you can get around this without communicating with him.  I've had to make an effort every time I talk to my husband to try and remain calm, not take his blame, and be strong.  Perhaps you could find a counselor, so when you talk to your husband you have a course of action.  My husband was out of town for a week, and I had plenty of time to think.  When I presented the option of counseling he initially rejected it, but I went into the conversation knowing that he would probably do that at first (so I didn't get angry).  When I presented it again he started to reluctantly warm up to it.  He said, "you have had more time to think about this."  Keep that in mind.  Your husband doesn't even know that you know about it.  You'll have time to think things through a bit, so don't be disappointed if his initial reaction isn't what you may have hoped.  But there is hope.  I think you need to at least hear what he has to say, and then go from there.  I know you're hurting.  I know the hurt.  I've walked around the past couple weeks with a constant ache in my heart and stomach.  The sadness is unreal. 

 

I have a sick feeling every time I leave the house, go to bed, or when he travels.  I'm assuming that he is mb to it.  Don't they have anything better to do with their time?  Don't they have work to do?  kids to watch?  wouldn't it be nice if he put down his laptop and did some yard work???????  He's got it so easy!  I've been such a good wife to him, and this is the thanks I get.  Yeah, we need counseling.  I can't talk to him anymore about it because I feel like we don't get anywhere.  So, if you don't get anywhere with your conversation with him you might want to have that in your back pocket.  I'm not saying that he will, but he may lie to you about it.  Seems to me that you have the proof though, but he may say he will stop.  I don't want you to find yourself in my position.  My husband said he would stop years ago.  I believed him, duh!  Here I am years later in the same position. He knew that I would eventually cave on the counseling, but not this time.  You may want to look into it regardless of the promises he makes.  I think when it's an addiction (he doesn't think it is, it's normal) it becomes bigger than what they and we can fix on our own.  Oh what the heck do I know, I'm going through the same thing.  I'll pray for all of you going through this!  I read a previous message from someone who wrote that it is like the devil has found a way into our homes and to wreck marriages and families.

 

 

 
August 19, 2009, 2:39 pm CDT

How are you doing?

Quote From: wer4everone

Hi...I am new to this board as well...And I don't know what to do or what to feel....I am 35 years old and in the middle of a crisis. Do I leave? Do I stay? Does he care? He used to make me feel like I was the only woman in the entire world!!! I used to feel sooooo good with him and so confident. I don't know much of anything right now.  I am so hurt and ashamed of my husbands porn site obssession its sick.  Should I feel hurt? Scared? Jealous? Dumbfounded? Is there help for him...Is it that serious? I don't know, I just need some place to talk about it, because my husband seems to think that this is not a big deal. He said he would stop...Just like you all hear.  But he hasn't, I told him I feel hurt etc.  Just HELP!!! I am going insane sometimes.  How did you all deal with this? You are all so strong.  Can someone please help?
 
August 30, 2009, 9:43 am CDT

Porn

Dr.Phil I am new to this board, I am in a relationship for going on 10yrs we had alot of ups and downs I am 33 yrs old and I have a 12 yr old daughter as well.   I sold Sex Toys I understand men look at porn the odd time that is fine, but my boyfriend does it all the time and yeah he thinks its normal and I tell him its not normal, we broke up once over all this and more when I busted him at 3:00am.  Now we are having a baby and I told him how it makes me feel he has every excuse why I can't watch it with him, I told him lets come to a compromise at least, so I talked to him about it, I was nice about it I tried to explaine to him why it bothers me and how it is making me feel and its like he he does not care to him there is no harm so why should he stop . he goes on only when I am not home and off before I get home so that tells me I feel he is hiding it from me, he tells me to quit being a private investegator I tell him when he stops then I will stop, if your not going to respect my feelings then I won't respect yours.  I have parental control blocks on my computer so I check up on him I should not have to do this he is 35 I am 33 like I don't want to baby sit.. so I told him its either the porn or your family you choose and if you can't go on the computer without looking at the porn then I guess you made your choice.  I just had it with this stuff.. I like porn I  but at the same time there is moderation and if he can't realize that then he has a problem is what I came up with.  So I am not sure what to do next my head says its never going to change I thought of disc the internet but why should I so now that there is a baby coming it really thows a loop into everything I don't want to be a single mom again but at the same time I know I can't live this way either.. decisssions!!!
 
August 30, 2009, 9:54 am CDT

hi

Quote From: calligraphy

Have you tried to talk to your husband about his obsession and tell him how its making you feel.. try councelling I know its hard its not easy but try resources before giving up.  Put Parental control blocks on your computer its password protected so don't give  him the password then you can logg in and see what kind of sights he is going onto and check them out.
 
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