Topic : Pornography

I had questioned him while I was pregnant and after I had our son.  He had changed jobs and at his new job there was a cleaning girl.  Our son was a little less than a year old when a girl pulled out infront of me one day on my way home.  My husband was in front of me and when I started ranting and raving about it, he seemed to know more about the girl and her sister (they took turns cleaning the place he worked at) than what I thought that he should know.  Everytime I would say anything about it he would get really defensive and tell me he was tired of me always going down that road and always blamed it on PMS.  He assured me over and over again that he had done nothing with either one so I had to believe him, without any proof or catching him in the act what else could a person do. 

He also has a tendency to check out any girl in tight jeans and shirt when we are shopping together.  That always makes me angry. 

All of those factors plus the porn has not done much for my self esteem.   

hi, everyone, new to the board.  i will try to get this right.  i have been married for 7 years and been with my husband 11 years and have a 5 year old daughter.  when i met my husband he used to go to strip bars with his friends and watch porn all the time, but after we moved in together he basically stopped going out to the strip clubs or would ask my permission and would respect it if i said no.  but my husband has a unbelievable  collection of porn tapes i would say about 500 or so and he has it on the computer too.  he can not sit down at a computer with out looking at it.  but i am having great difficulty with the mastubation part.  he does it all the time, at night, when i am at work, then i catch him.  I have asked him why, and said he is sorry it hurts me but it should not. it hurts me and belittles me to no point.  he says he can't stop and i should not be upset.  but i can't do this any more.  i am not against porn, but i do belive if a man is going to watch it, it should be with his wife and sex between the both of us is great on both ends he says.  but he also says he is very sexually driven and if he is horny he should be able to pleasure himself anytime.  i need some advice, please help?  ready to wash my hands of this awfull cheating habit.  am i worng should i be more understandable? 

spots29 

isn't that all that matters? You don't need me or anyone to tell you to be okay with this or to not be okay with this.  

He's openly admitting that he can't stop?  how much more evidence do you need?  He's got a problem....one of the fastest growing problems out here today.  I really don't think you need anyone to tell you that you are "normal" for feeling like you do.  He's seeking sexual things outside your marriage.  It would be different if he were saying that he isn't getting the sex he requires...this way you two could work together for answers.  But he's plainly telling you that he really can't stop...nor wants to. 

Really the ball is in your court. Sad to say, but you have some decisions to make for yourself.  And that won't be easy.  He's making a choice, the only you can do is ask him if he's addicted and wants help to get clean from this...if that answer is yes....then go to web sites for addiction....the first would be SAA.  Get some help there.  If he says no....then you could start to baby sit him or become his mother and see how far that gets you. (Being silly there, ha ha).....if he wants to continue with this, very often a person like this won't stop until there are consequences to their behavior.   

One clear thing I would do, considering you do have a daughter and you also have a "RIGHT" to stand up for what you believe....I would toss out, burn, destroy, and totally rid MY house of the DVD's completely.  This way you are making a stand, that yes, he has a choice to make, but so do you.  And your choice is to live in a home free from this filth.  What he brings into his mind is his business, but what he brings into your home is your business. 

I would also talk to him about the facts behind porn. Research this yourself.  I would ask him point blank how he would feel answering to your daughter should the day come where she happens upon this.  It does happen.  I would also ask him how he feels being married AND raising  a daughter, that all these women in porn are usually abused daughters of someone....they do have lives and this is just one form of degrading women.  It's demeaning and self hatred that the young women put themselves through this......would he endorse this if this were his daughter???? 

You have a long road....but look at it this way....you can become co-dependant, or an enabler of his habits...OR you can use your options to plan on taking this into your rightful hands.  This IS about your life too and your marriage.  So stand up and be counted on this!  Your feelings should matter and he should consider this...... 

AND please.....don't you think it is time HE were the one being more understandable with this????  It's time HE grew up and started having some self control.  He is a man, not a boy.  You are perfectly normal!!!!! 

Luv~  Welcome, post often and good luck.  Let us know what he says..... 

and that's fairly common for you to do when we disagree....you again, are switching things around to suit your answers to both situations.   

What difference does it make if she bought the dildo while buying perfume.... I set the stage...I said she WAS neglecting HIM and making excuses to get out of sex...all the while pleasuring HERSELF with the dildo...ya know, like some men do with porn....the lies, betrayal all that.  And besides, this is HER personal thing...NOT something she wishes to JOIN him in on...ya know, like men do with porn......NOthing changed with HIM....just HER level of satisfaction changed with the dildo.  Just think of it this way,....she bought the dildo off the internet with her own allowance.....NOW, is that better.  The entire "story" was and IS about his feelings being UNimportant to her and HIS feelings are also "just his feelings" his perception....SOMETHING SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT WHILE SEXUALLY PLEASURING HER SELF....just like men to with porn.   

On the money thing.....money can't buy all the happiness in the world...HOWEVER< HER happiness is all that matters at this point, and why shouldn't HE understand that.  I mean there could possibly be some lottery winning down the road...so why not risk the savings on her need for instant gradification no matter how "logical" his irrational feelings are?  Get it? 

P..S.  I love the way you use big 10 letter words all in a straight row when you get all flustered with no answer....just avoidance of the entire post.  it's like yadda yaddda yadda...and women don't matter, men do, but women shouldn't and never will....yadda yadda yadda.....blah bblah.... 

Luv~ LOL...not arguing here....but do you ever notice that you do that Allinalll????  It's really kinda cute.... 

I guess she is, what we would call, the person "stepping up to the plate" and being "the better person".  The person who is attempting to reach out and make the first effort.  It's really good to see that side of her because for many years it was always ME that was the one to do this.  So it's a relief to know and see that she also cares about this marriage.  About the other night - she LOVED my candle idea!  I really didn't think it was that big of a deal, but apparently it was for her.  Seeing her smile put a big smile on this salesman's face. 

Valentines Day is coming up......and since the only time we've ever gotten away on our own was on our honeymoon, I was thinking of maybe taking her out of town overnight and staying at the Marriott while we checked out all the clubs and bistros there.  Or, get her the diamond necklace I know she wants and take her out for dinner and drinks downtown at her favorite restaurant.   

The first one might be hard for me to set up because I'm not sure if my sister can watch them if she has to work.  I could ask her mother to watch the boys for us, but Brandon is a handful and her mother has back problems that I don't think would enable her to watch them both for that long.  Even if I can't swing it, I'll either buy her the necklace or think of something else that doesn't involve us having to leave town.  I'm not very good with words, so I'm thinking that I'll just show her that I appreciate her showing interest in our marriage.   

If all of this happening is supposed to be some sort of sign to me that things are getting better with our relationship, then I'm SO ON IT.  I'm not the monster you all make me out to be.  But, then again I guess monstrosity is in the eye of the beholder.      

Thats exactly what i thought i would hear and that is whats so hard for me.  I guess i knew there would be a problem done the road, but on the other hand he is a wonderful father and when this topic is not opened up he is a great husband.  I mean I think I truly found my soul mate.  but he has said just today he has no problem, he is healthy and this is normal.  but beside the porn, i can and have already thrown out allot, but the masturbation is driving me senseless.  I have thought about leaving him, but i so desire to stay and make my marriage work.  I mean sex two times or so a week i thought any man would be okay with that, since we both work full time and i have said what if your daughter was a stripper or porn star what would you do and he says well if she is an adult she can do what ever she wants.  he seems so calm with it and i have even said what if you come home and find me in bed with another man, just because i woke up horny and decided to go next door to the neighbor (by the way he is hot) lol. he said that would be different.  he says he won't quite and if i cut him off from sex he said he would have no option but to look else where for it. then i said you really don't love me , and he said that love has nothing  to do with masturbation.  he also said he would find me doing it it would turn him on. does that go for all guys, what am i missing.  do i really ruin my life and my daughters over these.?  really  worried extreme measures will happen and then my little one will pay for it or get hurt worse than i  have. 

worried.