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Topic : Pornography
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May 30, 2006, 12:31 pm PDT
 Quote From: luvmiman1 Of course they were.....I personally could not take them. Neither could my two sisters. They caused some serious health problems. Break through bleeding, clots....and so on. What I am saying is that there are various levels of B.C. that are available now that were not years ago. And when I was younger there was not too many options for us. If you could not take them....you could not take them...period. My best friend Carla, I went to school with could take them.....and didn't want kids at all. She didn't have her first child until she was in her mid 30's....now she has two. She is a professional and didn't want kids....but loved them. I also have a college degree and I had children young. Many many of my friends did. That did not make them a "type" of people.....a lot of them knew and wanted kids..... mine were just not "planned" as in the date or year that I would have them. Again, we used a condom.....so that was not a planned pregnancy at all. But I am thankful for that now....especially now.
Put it this way....there are advantages to having children young, I think, from a personal view point....in that I am still very young and have a great time now with my kids grown. I also believe that a woman's body recovers better just because she is younger. There are many advantages to that......and living now, where I can still do what I want, when I want.....and even change careers, go to back to school, move, or whatever.....frees me up at a young age to enjoy life instead of having a teenager around and keeping us "planted"......so it has it's advantages to it. Some of my friends are not so able to do these things.....because they have children still in school, or diapers even. So it goes both ways. And is a personal choice for everyone.
Luv I also had problems taking the pill, so the only BC I used up until I married and we decided to have kids was condoms. This is quite a long time ago (I am 38 and became sexually active at 17) and there weren't the options like the patch and shot (although in between baby 3 and 4 I tried the shot and also probs with that, so we have the total protection now lol - hubby got snipped after our youngest was born - he figured it was his turn to at least go through a little pain!). I suppose I was lucky that I never did get pregnant before I wanted to, since condoms do have that slight failure rate. The question of how often kids are planned has come up - so I'll add to the percentages here. My husband and I planned ALL 5 of our kids. We wanted and carefully planned each of them - made sure to plan each pregnancy so he would be home for the delivery (he is military). We had 5 kids in about 9 years and I am so glad we did. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone (first of all, not all women's bodies could handle that, but I must have strong peasant stock in my background lol, because I had pretty much zero problems in carrying them and had all of them without meds), but for us it was just right. I have to say though - I do get annoyed with people when we are out and about and we always get the questions - Are they ALL YOURS?? Did you PLAN this?? Like it is incomprehinsible that a couple could choose to have a large family nowadays (we often also get asked if we are Catholic or Mormon lol, but we are neither). Anyway - our kiddos were 100% planned. :) I understand many women and/or couples who choose not to have kids and respect them for their choice - but once I had my fist daughter, I just knew this was my passion in life - being a mom. I feel so blessed. I'm sorry, I know this is kind of off the topic of this board. I just saw y'all talking about it and wanted to add my little bit. |
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May 30, 2006, 12:37 pm PDT
Quote From: luvmiman1 Of course they were.....I personally could not take them. Neither could my two sisters. They caused some serious health problems. Break through bleeding, clots....and so on. What I am saying is that there are various levels of B.C. that are available now that were not years ago. And when I was younger there was not too many options for us. If you could not take them....you could not take them...period. My best friend Carla, I went to school with could take them.....and didn't want kids at all. She didn't have her first child until she was in her mid 30's....now she has two. She is a professional and didn't want kids....but loved them. I also have a college degree and I had children young. Many many of my friends did. That did not make them a "type" of people.....a lot of them knew and wanted kids..... mine were just not "planned" as in the date or year that I would have them. Again, we used a condom.....so that was not a planned pregnancy at all. But I am thankful for that now....especially now.
Put it this way....there are advantages to having children young, I think, from a personal view point....in that I am still very young and have a great time now with my kids grown. I also believe that a woman's body recovers better just because she is younger. There are many advantages to that......and living now, where I can still do what I want, when I want.....and even change careers, go to back to school, move, or whatever.....frees me up at a young age to enjoy life instead of having a teenager around and keeping us "planted"......so it has it's advantages to it. Some of my friends are not so able to do these things.....because they have children still in school, or diapers even. So it goes both ways. And is a personal choice for everyone.
Luv The way I see it though, is that you lost your 20s and 30s and sorry to say, even though you are still young, you can not do the samething that you could back when you were younger. I have my whole life still in front of me, it is not like I am going to be able to retire when I am 56, that is a joke to even think that, so it is not like I can say, I will have my children at 21 and then I will be able to do the things that I want to do when I retire, that is no longer an option. So this is the time now, my age that I will be able to actually do things, without having to think of children, you can not drop everything and spend a week in India with children, where I can actually save money and a lot of it etc. Where if I waited to get my degree or went to school while I had young children, I wouldnt really be able to save money.
As for body, I dont think that has anything to do with being young or old, but how you take care of your body and your genes. Have you seen some people that have had children when they are 21, they have an awful looking body and then someone else, later in life and you would never be able to tell the difference.
Yes one of my friends had a stroke at 12 and so she has an IUD because she could not take any kind of hormone.
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May 30, 2006, 12:47 pm PDT
Quote From: kimikomine as sushi but if you think about it, its something that I love. I love sushi. I am sure my husband loves good sex, as well. You are absolutely right about cheating in any way shape or form, not being worth the end result and the choice over what we do with our bodies, is also our responsiblity, good or bad. I guess I can't outrightly blame him for my cheating because he wouldn't stop talking to strangers sexually, and I did have a choice to leave, but didn't. He didn't stop looking at porn (at least not right away) and I didn't stop either thinking of cheating, not stop myself; so I did blame him for my infidelity. Thats not right. He was not blaming me for his need of porn, but I was blaming him for my need to cheat; so I see what you are getting at. Two wrongs never make one right.
To this day, I could kick myself for staying in this knowing how I was going to react .I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant; I didn't really think it would get this far though. But we both chose to remain in it unwilling, unable, whatever, to change the course and make it a healthy marriage. I guess we both are very dysfunctional when it comes to relationships. I've read over the posts about cheating, both the SIL of someone as well as what you said Kimi. It is good to see you realize you can't blame your husband for the choice you made to go outside the marriage. I have to admit that I kind of understand though. Several months ago when I found out about hubby's porn usage and the lies and all - it wasn't very long before I had thoughts of 'getting revenge'. Maybe the only thing I did right when all this mess started was to talk to him about those feelings. I told him flat out that I felt vulnerable to any other man who would flirt with me - that I had easily deflected that kind of thing in the past, but that I might fall into cheating as a way to get the revenge, but maybe even more important to reassure myself that I WAS in fact still attractive sexually to men. It scared my hubby to hear that, because he knows I don't even flirt with other men. So we both took measures to make sure it didn't happen, because we agreed before marrying that infidelity was a deal breaker (I have now made porn use one also, I won't go through that whole mess again). I am glad I told him - I would hate to have brought about the end of my marriage for reasons of revenge or reassurance of my attractiveness.
Kimi - since I am new here, I of course don't know much about your situation. I wish I could help, but don't know how to. You have my empathy and I hope you and your hubby can either find a way to heal and both of you thrive in your marriage or that one of you finds the courage to leave. Or maybe I misread your last statment and y'all are happy and okay now, if so I apologize for my misunderstanding.
For a while, y'all were discussing whether or not you should tell someone if you know their SO is cheating. I think it depends on the relationship you have with the person being cheated on. If it is someone I care very much for - I am most likely going to tell. If the cheater is the person I care more for (say it is my brother and I don't know his gf or whatever very well), I would probably tell him to cut the crap out and be honest with his SO and get some counseling. I guess it is really hard to know how I would handle it, since I have never been faced with the situation. I don't think any of us can really give everyone absolute advice on this - one way or the other isn't always going to be correct for every person or what is going on. One thing I can say is that if a friend or family member of mine knew unequivocally that my hubby was cheating, I would dang sure want them to tell me. I would never 'shoot the messenger'. I would know they had struggled with doing it and told me because they love me. The only person getting shot would be hubby (not literally of course lol). |
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May 30, 2006, 12:52 pm PDT
Quote From: roxy_belle I also had problems taking the pill, so the only BC I used up until I married and we decided to have kids was condoms. This is quite a long time ago (I am 38 and became sexually active at 17) and there weren't the options like the patch and shot (although in between baby 3 and 4 I tried the shot and also probs with that, so we have the total protection now lol - hubby got snipped after our youngest was born - he figured it was his turn to at least go through a little pain!). I suppose I was lucky that I never did get pregnant before I wanted to, since condoms do have that slight failure rate. The question of how often kids are planned has come up - so I'll add to the percentages here. My husband and I planned ALL 5 of our kids. We wanted and carefully planned each of them - made sure to plan each pregnancy so he would be home for the delivery (he is military). We had 5 kids in about 9 years and I am so glad we did. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone (first of all, not all women's bodies could handle that, but I must have strong peasant stock in my background lol, because I had pretty much zero problems in carrying them and had all of them without meds), but for us it was just right. I have to say though - I do get annoyed with people when we are out and about and we always get the questions - Are they ALL YOURS?? Did you PLAN this?? Like it is incomprehinsible that a couple could choose to have a large family nowadays (we often also get asked if we are Catholic or Mormon lol, but we are neither). Anyway - our kiddos were 100% planned. :) I understand many women and/or couples who choose not to have kids and respect them for their choice - but once I had my fist daughter, I just knew this was my passion in life - being a mom. I feel so blessed. I'm sorry, I know this is kind of off the topic of this board. I just saw y'all talking about it and wanted to add my little bit. also if someone had 5 children today, seeing they sound kind of young too, just for the fact that they are sooooooooooo very expensive. I am sure that is what people mean by that and also that your husband is in the military and I know they do not pay very much. I think if someone wants a big family go for it. I know with my parents they wanted another children, but my mom had cancer when she was 37 so couldnt have anymore, she always wanted more. To me I couldnt imagine having another sibling, I would think my brother and I were enough to handle and I also know that they had a very hard time finicially when we were younger. But if you want a big family more power to you. |
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May 30, 2006, 12:58 pm PDT
Quote From: luvmiman1 I could agree more......this plays in both sexes, as you mention...just different aspects of the marriage I would guess.....different for men than it is for women.
"Free yourself from the internalized sense of inadequacy, and find OTHER WAYS to feel your self worth and value"........how true is that for a lot of people? So true.....
I really think that very sentence applies to most people......we all, at one time or another experience this whether it be inside marriages or with friends or family......
Wouldn't you say......this has a lot to do with maturity and how we are raised as well? I truly believe that is true.......
Luv What children are told during their upbringing is what they base their adequacy on, be that positive or negative. If one is told they are better than others they will likely live their lives believing that, whether they are or not. The same being if they are continuously told they don't measure up, or this is always bad and/or always good, etc. And mixed messages don't make it...you can't call someone so special when they do well and then call them stupid when they goof up. It's rare that maturity will over write those messages too. |
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May 30, 2006, 1:07 pm PDT
Quote From: roxy_belle I've read over the posts about cheating, both the SIL of someone as well as what you said Kimi. It is good to see you realize you can't blame your husband for the choice you made to go outside the marriage. I have to admit that I kind of understand though. Several months ago when I found out about hubby's porn usage and the lies and all - it wasn't very long before I had thoughts of 'getting revenge'. Maybe the only thing I did right when all this mess started was to talk to him about those feelings. I told him flat out that I felt vulnerable to any other man who would flirt with me - that I had easily deflected that kind of thing in the past, but that I might fall into cheating as a way to get the revenge, but maybe even more important to reassure myself that I WAS in fact still attractive sexually to men. It scared my hubby to hear that, because he knows I don't even flirt with other men. So we both took measures to make sure it didn't happen, because we agreed before marrying that infidelity was a deal breaker (I have now made porn use one also, I won't go through that whole mess again). I am glad I told him - I would hate to have brought about the end of my marriage for reasons of revenge or reassurance of my attractiveness.
Kimi - since I am new here, I of course don't know much about your situation. I wish I could help, but don't know how to. You have my empathy and I hope you and your hubby can either find a way to heal and both of you thrive in your marriage or that one of you finds the courage to leave. Or maybe I misread your last statment and y'all are happy and okay now, if so I apologize for my misunderstanding.
For a while, y'all were discussing whether or not you should tell someone if you know their SO is cheating. I think it depends on the relationship you have with the person being cheated on. If it is someone I care very much for - I am most likely going to tell. If the cheater is the person I care more for (say it is my brother and I don't know his gf or whatever very well), I would probably tell him to cut the crap out and be honest with his SO and get some counseling. I guess it is really hard to know how I would handle it, since I have never been faced with the situation. I don't think any of us can really give everyone absolute advice on this - one way or the other isn't always going to be correct for every person or what is going on. One thing I can say is that if a friend or family member of mine knew unequivocally that my hubby was cheating, I would dang sure want them to tell me. I would never 'shoot the messenger'. I would know they had struggled with doing it and told me because they love me. The only person getting shot would be hubby (not literally of course lol). I am married now 5 1/2 years. It was only a few weeks after our marriage that I realized his use of porn and phone sex was something he did not want to give up; but I was already married to him. I also only knew him 8 weeks prior to going to the town clerk to get married. We are both 45.
He did not do those things to hurt me; even though he admitted he at times used it to keep me at arms lenght; not wanting to get too close; knowing it upset me - pushing me away. His words, not mine. Why? I don't know. Maybe he was afraid of giving up his manhood and his independance? Either way, it did not work out too well. I reacted the way I knew how....by retaliating I didn't look for someone to cheat on, it was the last thing on my mind. But after some time passes by and things are not moving forward, you start to wonder if they ever will and once you start losing confidence in your relationship its really hard to adjust the boot straps and get back on that horse. At this stage of our lives we pretty much are not too willing to be too flexible, its obvious.
This weekend was very good because I was finally able to see him as a man not the enemy. I feel horrible I have been so mean to him. I couldn't stop myself; it had me by the balls. I was prisoner of anger, fear and old hurts. I was trapped in this body and I hated myself. Still do but little by little I feel I am gaining back my composure and hope that whatever is best happens soon because I don't want to wallow in this misery much longer.
As for my story, I'll spare you the details. I like you. lol
If my sisters husband was cheating, I would have to tell her. If I knew she really loved and would be crushed about it, I would make sure the setting was perfect for such bad news. If I thought she was not happy and would be upset but not heartbroken, I don't know if I would tell her so quickly because I think she needs to learn why she is remaing with someone that she wouldn't be heartbroken about if he left her. See what I mean? It definately depends on the relationship. |
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May 30, 2006, 1:09 pm PDT
Quote From: baeiouy The way I see it though, is that you lost your 20s and 30s and sorry to say, even though you are still young, you can not do the samething that you could back when you were younger. I have my whole life still in front of me, it is not like I am going to be able to retire when I am 56, that is a joke to even think that, so it is not like I can say, I will have my children at 21 and then I will be able to do the things that I want to do when I retire, that is no longer an option. So this is the time now, my age that I will be able to actually do things, without having to think of children, you can not drop everything and spend a week in India with children, where I can actually save money and a lot of it etc. Where if I waited to get my degree or went to school while I had young children, I wouldnt really be able to save money.
As for body, I dont think that has anything to do with being young or old, but how you take care of your body and your genes. Have you seen some people that have had children when they are 21, they have an awful looking body and then someone else, later in life and you would never be able to tell the difference.
Yes one of my friends had a stroke at 12 and so she has an IUD because she could not take any kind of hormone.
The way I look at my life is that I would not be the person I am today had my past not helped to shape me. I also have to see things in a positive way.....During my second pregnancy I was told to abort because of cancer. I chose not to, knowing that he would be my last child. And his life to me was a miracle from God. Had I not had my children young, I would not have had any. My mother took the drug D.E.S because of the loss of her first two, she took this with my sisters and me. It was then finally banned in the mid to late 60's because it was known to cause cancer in the children of the women who took the drug. All of us girls have had our share of adversity due to that drug. And I am ever so thankful that I was pregnant because that is when my life, I believe, was saved. I could have easily been dead within a years time had I not been pregnant and seen a doctor. So to me, it was planned of God. All children are......
Loosing my 20's or 30's....not in the least. And if women like me looked at life like that....there would be a whole lot more aborted babies then there are now. There ARE many advantages to having children older.....I've said that and have many friends who are thrilled to have their children now....the same holds true for me.
Luv |
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May 30, 2006, 1:20 pm PDT
Quote From: luvmiman1 The way I look at my life is that I would not be the person I am today had my past not helped to shape me. I also have to see things in a positive way.....During my second pregnancy I was told to abort because of cancer. I chose not to, knowing that he would be my last child. And his life to me was a miracle from God. Had I not had my children young, I would not have had any. My mother took the drug D.E.S because of the loss of her first two, she took this with my sisters and me. It was then finally banned in the mid to late 60's because it was known to cause cancer in the children of the women who took the drug. All of us girls have had our share of adversity due to that drug. And I am ever so thankful that I was pregnant because that is when my life, I believe, was saved. I could have easily been dead within a years time had I not been pregnant and seen a doctor. So to me, it was planned of God. All children are......
Loosing my 20's or 30's....not in the least. And if women like me looked at life like that....there would be a whole lot more aborted babies then there are now. There ARE many advantages to having children older.....I've said that and have many friends who are thrilled to have their children now....the same holds true for me.
Luv This is another time and age, where if you do have children when you are young, 18, 19, you pretty much have screwed up your future, sad to say, but it is true. There are no longer jobs you can get, at least good paying ones, without a college education, most likely now higher education, that you once could get 20-30 years ago. As you have said, you had your children, what 25 years ago, that is quite different then now having a child, when you are quite young. People now have to rely on themselves to get them through retirement, not SS or any other kind of government program, but people dont think about things like that, they dont think about that when they are 19 and about to give birth. As you have also pointed out, there are tons of different BC out there now, the pill (I dont even know how many there are), IUD, condoms (both male and female), a shot etc, so there really is no excuse of not having planned pregnancies now, if you dont want to get pregnant, use a number of different BC, if you can not take the pill, use an IUD, plus a condom, plus something, there are options out there NOW. But then people lack the education to properly protect themselves, what is it, there are like 3-4 million abortions a year in the US, yeah, things dont look very good. |
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May 30, 2006, 4:24 pm PDT
Quote From: roxy_belle I also had problems taking the pill, so the only BC I used up until I married and we decided to have kids was condoms. This is quite a long time ago (I am 38 and became sexually active at 17) and there weren't the options like the patch and shot (although in between baby 3 and 4 I tried the shot and also probs with that, so we have the total protection now lol - hubby got snipped after our youngest was born - he figured it was his turn to at least go through a little pain!). I suppose I was lucky that I never did get pregnant before I wanted to, since condoms do have that slight failure rate. The question of how often kids are planned has come up - so I'll add to the percentages here. My husband and I planned ALL 5 of our kids. We wanted and carefully planned each of them - made sure to plan each pregnancy so he would be home for the delivery (he is military). We had 5 kids in about 9 years and I am so glad we did. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone (first of all, not all women's bodies could handle that, but I must have strong peasant stock in my background lol, because I had pretty much zero problems in carrying them and had all of them without meds), but for us it was just right. I have to say though - I do get annoyed with people when we are out and about and we always get the questions - Are they ALL YOURS?? Did you PLAN this?? Like it is incomprehinsible that a couple could choose to have a large family nowadays (we often also get asked if we are Catholic or Mormon lol, but we are neither). Anyway - our kiddos were 100% planned. :) I understand many women and/or couples who choose not to have kids and respect them for their choice - but once I had my fist daughter, I just knew this was my passion in life - being a mom. I feel so blessed. I'm sorry, I know this is kind of off the topic of this board. I just saw y'all talking about it and wanted to add my little bit. that can have that many kids and raise them...especially to stay home and have the most important "career" in this lifetime! My g/f back home is Mormon and has 5 children too. Although she was a widow at a very young age....she's done the very best she could. She was also in the Air Force as well as her husband. I used to spend a lot of time at her house with my boys visiting them...she sold Mary Kay on the side and I was her "ginea pig" , lol. We had a lot of good times...still today when we talk on the phone, I don't know how she does it, but she does and quit well I might add. There is just something special about having a large family. I know, I miss mind everyday. Even as dysfunctional as it might be....I really envy large families.
My H and I laugh because if I could have had more kids....we'd have about 8 I think. LOL.....So apparently God knows what he's doing in my case. As much as we don't have total control over what happens, I still think everything does happen for a reason. And even when things don't look as if they will turn out.....they just some how do. Its like now....seeing my granddaughter, even if it's by computer, I am so "in love" with that child. She's amazing to me. That's what amazes me....actually thinking that you have loved so completely....and then seeing your first grand-baby, just goes to show you that you are never too full of love and that love just grows along with life. That's what I have to look forward to....hopefully a LOT of grandbabies.....and yet, a year ago, you would have NEVER heard me say that. H a h a......life is nothing but a sense of humor!
You are blessed beyond belief....but you know that already. All healthy, all happy, and that's what counts. And mom's who get the priviledge to stay home for any length of time raising them are truly the most wonderful creatures God ever made....I believe that. Not only that, but I believe we have an open line directly to the head office when it comes to praying for our kids.....so that means moms are special!
I have a couple of friends who did not want kids....and hey, I think they are the ones who know what's best for them in their own life. But I also have a few that had them young like I did and even one who at 45 years old went back to college for nursing. She did awesome and had a whole new chapter in her life.....it's never too late if you really want something. She waited for her 3 sons to grow up and leave home before doing it. THAT is something really great these days and more and more of us are doing it. That is the miracle in our lifes.....choices.....and we all have them...Thank God.
Luv~ |
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May 30, 2006, 4:36 pm PDT
Quote From: baeiouy This is another time and age, where if you do have children when you are young, 18, 19, you pretty much have screwed up your future, sad to say, but it is true. There are no longer jobs you can get, at least good paying ones, without a college education, most likely now higher education, that you once could get 20-30 years ago. As you have said, you had your children, what 25 years ago, that is quite different then now having a child, when you are quite young. People now have to rely on themselves to get them through retirement, not SS or any other kind of government program, but people dont think about things like that, they dont think about that when they are 19 and about to give birth. As you have also pointed out, there are tons of different BC out there now, the pill (I dont even know how many there are), IUD, condoms (both male and female), a shot etc, so there really is no excuse of not having planned pregnancies now, if you dont want to get pregnant, use a number of different BC, if you can not take the pill, use an IUD, plus a condom, plus something, there are options out there NOW. But then people lack the education to properly protect themselves, what is it, there are like 3-4 million abortions a year in the US, yeah, things dont look very good. Oh but there are many who make it....and have higher educations with higher paying jobs....and have kids too. It is possible. Although I am not one who believes "you can have IT all" because sacrifices have to be made somewhere....and hopefully it is not scacrificing the children involved. I really do not see the difference in this to such an extreme. There are many families with fathers who are so involved now and support the educations and careers of their wives....or even just the mothers of their kids. So in that sense, it's changed for the better to some degree. But it does depend on the kind of man you marry as well. To me, I see women as getting "smarter" in their choices today....even those having children.
And people have for years...even when I was in my early 30's was "warned" about retirement and depending on SS only....something my Dad always told us girls.
There are many forms of BC now...you are so right. And realistically there are no excuses for not planning your children out....but things do happen occassionally. And then again there are still some young women who do want their children young instead of waiting. The "odds" are not AS good as they are when you are younger than 40....that's just the science of the female body and reproductive organs. They just talked about this on Discover channel....good show.
Mistakes are still made, I know. And people, mainly parents are not educating their kids enough.....but even with that, there is not a lot a person can do with their 22 or 25 year old sons and daughters if they are going to have sex inspite of the education they received....other than putting them in "lock down" or snipping it off......they do have a choice and should have control.....most don't seem to "think" when in the heat of things...unfortunately. At the same time.....they also have to face the consequences for their choices too....we all do. Usually, with that comes responsibility and sometimes a greater respect for life, education and careers too.....a "reason" to work harder in some cases.
Luv |
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