Topic : Pornography

Hello. If anything, counseling will give the both of you an opportunity to just sit and listen to one another. that is always a good start. A lot of success is in knowing that the other person is really  hearing what you are saying and taking it in for processing. The information is more on a steady basis instead of things flinging around in chaos, like our feelings and thoughts. It is too easy to fall into discounting what you feel in order to make peace with other things in your life. And it is one thing to understand something but it is a totally another if your life being tugged with a issue, such as porn use in a relationship. 

The basic thing comes down to this, if he is telling you it is nothing and has been looking at it since he was 15, is it correct to say that you havent? And if you havent, should it not also be something he needs to understand as well as you understanding his side of it? Thats what it comes down to and that is what has to be looked at. Now, why did he look at it and why did he continue? And if he is curious as to why you haven't, then you tell him and this is the beginning of opening up the conversation. Good luck and I wouldn't give up. He is portraying the nervousness well, because, I don't know, and that also is something that can gently be brought in session or otherwise. You see, the success of any thing of quality is the ability to sustain the quality and even improve it. The surest way to destroy anything of value, is to neglect it. If you neglect to tell him how you feel and he neglects to tell you how he is feelling, the emotional part of this relationship is being neglected. Don't you want to feel he trusts you? Don't you think you need to know that you are giving your heart and soul to someone that is going to be able to see its worth and not trample on it? 

Sorry. Got a little carried away. 

Any luck yet? Maybe they are all visually impaired volunteers. Just being sarcastic. 

Hey. Just found another movie rental on the morn of the 10th. I wonder how long we can go on not having sex; him using porn as a substitute without one of us freakin' flippin' out. How long do you think a man can go with real sex? I am going on 4 months........not feeling to glowy.......:) 

Tanx for responding to my post and for your suggestions on where we can obtain help.  First, I would like to congratulate you on your 20 years and for having 'stood by your man'.   

You said that your husband seeked counselling in 1999 and then again in 2002-03.  Does that mean then that porn addictions are like an addiction to alcohol?  Does the addictee have to fight against the urges all of his life?  If so, that frighten's me a little 'cause I left a previous marriage because of his addiction to alcohol and his unwillingness to seek help (he was also controlling, unfaithful, etc.).  I was wondering how you have felt being in a relationship with a fellow with a porn addiction and how it has affected your relationship.  How was your marriage before the counselling?   

By enabling his addiction, do you mean ignoring it?   

Hi. Do you really think you can "ignore" it? Or do you think it's more like "adjusting" to behavior that you are uncomfortable with because you don't want to disrupt him/it? That is enabling. When you agree that something is  not right but you reconstruct your life in order to please someone. Now it could be considered being compassionate and understanding, but he also needs to know that it bothers you and if he continues to do something that bothers you (ultimately the whole relationship) then he is not only telling you he doesn't care about how you feel but he is also telling you that his addiction is worse then you might even imagine. 

Lets put it this way: If you smoked cigarettes and smoke bothered him but you only did it when he wasn't around, is that being completely understanding of his needs or it is just being selfish and doing what you want? He is looking at porn because he does not care what you think. His unwillingness to seek help for sexual problems is telling you his problems are deeper then you can ever imagine, never the less, ignore. 

Being involved with anyone with an addiction is not easy, but a sexual problem is going to affect you in many many ways. ARe you willing to ignore it or do you want to find out if this is something you don't want to live with and may have to be the one to leave?  

You asked him to be involved? Why? Because you want to know what his fantasies are or because you like porn? If you are doing that , wanting to look at it with him because you think its something he would like to share with you, let me tell you something, porn in a loving relationship makes the relationship unloving. Having to look at porn while you are with someone is indicative of something is amiss in that relationship or else why would you need the extra stimulation, right? 

If he doesn't want to watch it with you it might be for many reasons. But the one that first comes to mind is he wants to keep his fantasies to himself and does not want you to know about what he likes or he might not want you to look at other guys and get some ideas. Like maybe he's not the best lover????? Be careful what you ask for because you just might get it. 

Being so engrossed that he is denying you time and affection, NOW, is just wrong. But at least you are getting to see what he is really like. If he can do this to you while you are pregnant, imagine what he is capable of doing when you are not! He is showing you his true colors and he does not care that you are upset. Doesn't that say something???????? 

Losing a parent is very very very difficult and one never really is the same after that. Its like of like a big piece of your life is gone and only a memory.....but......it should not......it should not.....have an impact that makes a person want to use porn!!!! My Lord....couldnt' he come up with a better one than that??????? He is not even trying . I would say he wants to let you go. Sorry. But I am in the same situation.  My husband will swear up and down that he wants to stay married but as soon as I walk out the door he is paying $10 to rent a porn movie. The fact is, we haven't had sex in months, but my finding out he is still using porn, after 6 years, tells me he is not going to stop. Would he stop if I started having sex with him? I don't know......but I doubt it. Why do I doubt it???? Because he was using it while we having sex!!!!!!!! Look at the history of this man....kiddo. And you have the answers to your questions about the future. It doesn't look too good does it? 

My husband of 3 years just got arrested for indecent exposure; he was arrested before but told me that it was a mistake and his record was expunged.   

He said that it started with pornography, but then progressed with stress to public exposure and sometimes masturbation.  This has been going on since a month before we got married, and he has lied to me about it every day for 3 years.  He says that he is addicted to this behavior, and has an appointment with a sex therapist.   

What do I do?  How can I ever trust this man again?  I take my wedding vows very seriously and I know this sounds stupid, but my husband is a wonderful man and I love him so much.  But I don't know if I should get out now or if he (we) has a chance at a normal life.   

If you know anything about this, please help.  I feel so alone. 

well the contacts are in.....she can see again....however 

she had to go see her foot dr. today. looks like surgery. her muscle extends too far into her ankle AND her ligaments in her ankle are weak. Surgery to repair both on the 31st (or sooner). poor kid is having a rotten summer break.