Hi everyone, I am new to the board and I just wanted to vent a little to someone who would understand, and this looks like the best place. Glad to have found it. I have been married to my husband for over ten years, and we have been "together" for over 12. We are in our mid thirties, and I have known him my whole life, actually, but like someone said earlier, you never really know a person until you live with them. I think what is really bothering me the most is the deception. He never actually lied to me about looking at porn, but then again I never had any reason to be suspicious of that. Like I said, I knew him my whole life - at least I thought I knew him. I found it on the computer over a year ago - there were these weird pop-ups that were adult content, and I wasn't really sure where they came from. I asked him, and he said that they could have come from anywhere or from someone else sending him an email and that came with it unintentionally. I believed him too. Once I figured out how to look around on the computer I found all kinds of stuff in the history and temporary files. I was sick - I felt betrayed. The idea that he was willfully looking at sexual images of other women to pleasure himself crushed me. I looked at the dates of the temporary internet files and when I checked my calendar I saw that he was doing it whenever I left town on business. I was away working and he, in my opinion, was cheating in his mind with other women. I felt so stupid, inadequate, and unattractive - and I was 6 months pregnant with our second child at the time, and I felt like a "house" anyway. I had wondered all along why he had decided to have a password on our home computer for his profile, but never set one up for me. When I confronted him, he said "it's not abnormal", and "everyone does it" - I know those are common excuses. I asked him if I had never found it would he still be looking at it - he said he couldn't say that he wouldn't. I asked him if it was "what Kelly doesn't know won't hurt her?" and he said "yes" - but then he added that "it doesn't change the way I feel about you honey". I think it has changed the way I feel about him - I haven't had the courage to tell him that. It's been a year - but I'm still suspicious. I still check our home computer - there is no evidence and he has not been deleting the history to cover-up. Every time I'm away overnight anywhere I am suspicious of him on the internet looking at porn. I desperately want to believe that he has stopped. I do know that he goes to the Howard Stern website and has followed links to the homepages (nothing further) of some of the guests from the show - strippers and porn stars. He says when he gets to the homepage he doesn't go any further, and that he just wants to see what they look like since Howard says that they're "hot". I asked him how long he's been looking at porn on the internet. He didn't answer, so I asked "since we got the internet?" (1997) and his reply was "yeah, probably." I just feel so conned - or tricked - or like he thinks he's pulled one over on me. It's that part that hurts the most. Omission of the truth, for me, is the same as lying to my face - because I had a false belief about the way my marriage was and about my husband. He has friends who I know talk to him about websites they view and that these same friends have invited him on more than one occasion to go to strip clubs while they are visiting us in our hometown. I know he didn't go - opted for Hooters instead. (I was in constant contact via cell phone and I saw the receipt). How can I move past this and get over my suspicion?? I think about this every day. I am paranoid and I wonder that if he hasn't been forthcoming on this, what else has he failed to tell me so as not to hurt me? The deception hurts the most. (sorry so long!!)
