Topic : Pornography

Quote From: roxy_belle

Hi and welcome to the board.  You headed your post "I am a porn addict".  I am wondering why you label yourself an addict?  Do YOU feel your porn use is out of control?  Is it interfering with your daily life and your relationships?  If you do think you are addicted, you should seek help.  Counseling would be a good first step.  If that isn't an option for you, there is a website called SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous, which you could visit and get some advice and help.  There are also many books on the topic, one author I have seen mentioned here several times is Patrick Carnes, you could pick up one of his books at half.com or amazon.  

 

For some people porn is something they can do occasionally and some are even able to share it with their partners, if their partner is willing.  It doesn't sound like your wife is, and you are going to have to respect that.  From you labeling yourself an addict, it also doesn't sound like porn is something you are occasionally able to enjoy, but something that is causing problems in your life. 

 

I am sorry to hear your long-time marriage is going downhill.  If you address your addiction and get some help, maybe that would get y'all back on the way to happiness.  I am not saying your wife should have no part in helping y'all reconnect - I would imagine there are also things she can do to help reestablish intimacy.  But until you deal with your addiction, she is probably not even going to be willing to try.  Best wishes to you and yours Paul - I hope you stick around and let us know how you are doing and if we can help in any way.  Take care, Roxy

Quote From: kimikomine

The thing we tend to do is distrust that what we are thinking or feeling is inaccurate or wrong. It is true that at times our minds go in directions that are out of the normal way of thinking and your spouses reactions to the news might just be that. But the one thing I have found out is when our guts are twisting and our thoughts are working overtime, I beleive this is a natural tendancy to preserve and protect ourselves and maybe even others.His visiting teen porn web sites might just be a curiousity. After all, porn gets pretty ridiculous and repetitious after a while. Maybe he was just innocently exploring. Sex and fantasy are personal and individual and if we feel we have to try to understand everyone's fetishes we will drive ourselves insane. As a mother of two young men, you are sensitive to this even more, and rightly so. In closing my post to you, I would just like to tell you if something is bothering you, you need to address it and don't let it slip through the cracks. Keep your eyes and ears wide open because you just may be dealing with a guy that has sexual problems. It seems men have more sexual deviations whereas women are always trying to justify their emotions regarding behavior that is odd or wierd or different, at best. Good luck and remember you are a mother with two children and I am sure you are level headed. Don't let someone try to manipulate you think you don't know what you are talking about. Kimi

Quote From: kimikomine

I also feel this way. If you want something to stay in your life there are ways and things to do and say that can help it along. If that thing wants to stay. Problem is, people cut themselves off and then have a hard time turning it back. There is a longing to turn it back, make it right and be happy.  Nukes?   May I call you that? What is, if any, a good cut off point in this longing? When it starts affecting your life negatively? And then, that negative effect it is handing us, its important to look at its ugly head and also allow others to solve their own personal deamons. We need other people to use as mirrors. Don't you believe that in spite of it all, we make the drama much more then it really is most of time because we need to work something out within ourselves? 

  

Steve is in a mourning stage, even though the person is still alive. Its the death of something and it is a difficult place to stand. Its transition and change and if we welcome the change and look to see what we can do to learn something about ourselves, our relationships will be much better and healthier. Don't you agree? 

Quote From: allinall

 I have to disagree with this part of your post,  "If you still love her more than anything, you should do whatever it takes to keep her." It does not strengthen a relationship when one is willing to do anything it takes to keep the other. That certainly wouldn't be accepted by women if told they should do anything it takes to keep the man she loves. Meaning, if they really love their man they should just accept his porn use.

I hope you get that I'm not making any disparaging accusations here when I say, ya don't give a child everything they want just to keep them happy. It's a very bad practice to just capitulate to unreasonable demands. Just giving the other what they want releases them of any sense of responsibility they should have.

Quote From: cajunpaul

HI, I AM A 41 YEAR OLD MALE AND HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO MY WIFE FOR 18 YEARS. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS GOING STRAIGHT DOWN HILL. OUR SEX LIFE IS HORRIBLE. I ENJOY PORN AND WOULD LIKE HER TO SHARE IT WITH ME BUT SHE REFUSES. I KNOW THERE IS ALOT MORE TO LOVE MAKING THAN PORN BUT IS THIS NOT A GOOD WAY TO KEEP THINGS EXCITING EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE OR DO I LIKE SOMETHING THAT SHOULD NOT BE PART OF A RELATIONSHIP. THANKS FOR LISTENING!

Quote From: nukesubman

That was only one sentence there.  What followed that sentence was this:

 

You should talk to her and let her know what you would like to see changed in her, and then ask her what she would like you to change about yourself, and the things you do.  Maybe you could both come to an agreement.

 

You are right when you say that it shouldn't be just one person giving in to the other, just to keep the relationship together, and I think that is what I said in the rest of the paragraph.  I don't think you were disparaging, and I agree that a relationship shouldn't be a one way street.  Roxy and I both talked and we have both made changes in our lives, and it has worked out for the better. 

Quote From: darcylove

hello. I don't think I have written to you here ....nor do I think I remember many of your post previous. Sorry about that. I tend to loose track of things. When there are so many that come and go....you start to not worry about the names and the logistics of it all.

 

Anyway....I have been married to my husband for over 20 years. We were young when we married.....much younger then I wish upon anyone. And how the two of us have managed to overcome all that we have....is beyond me at times. But here we are.

 

My husband has been a porn addict since he was a teen. And the age of the internet sure didn't help things at all. The last time he used porn....was 2 1/2 years ago however...in recent weeks I have discovered that he is falling back into some old patterns....that could and probably will (if left undealt with) lead him back to the porn.

 

So...my question for you (as I don't recall if you are dealing with addiciton or not) is when you feel yourself slipping......are you able to turn to your wife for support? Do you feel yourself slipping at times and when you do....do you know what is triggering this? I have found that my husband still struggles with recognizing himself starting to slip or he does recognize it but won't follow through with discussing these things with me.

 

And this is the discussions we are having very often lately. I asked him last night (while all of this is on the table again) if he can help me to recognize things myself. If he can tell me how he goes about securing his secrets from me. And his response had me quite puzzled. I am not sure if he fears telling me the answer because then he won't be able to hide it or if my question really has him that baffled. He told me "I will have to give that some thought." He at times....doesn't have answers for me....like it is too complicated for him to understand or i am making it far more complicated then it is....not sure which.

 

Okay...i am sure I have bombarded you with enough her for now. Thanks! (and if I have not yet done so....welcome to the board........having someone like you here....I think could be of great benefit for so many).

Quote From: allinall

 I know and I saw that to. I was nit picken there a bit. Sorry, it wasn't aimed at you. I was making a point by going around through the back way...so to speak.

Quote From: fraeulein

Hi there!

New here.  Looked for answers cause internet porn had an impact on my life.  Reading all the postings I am happy to realize that most of you are at least 10 years older than me and it is still an issue. Which is kinda funny in a way and kinda sad, too.

I want to post my personal resolution after taking in your guys' statements, maybe it will help:

 

1. Everybody is entitled to their very own sexuality which you don't have to share with anybody (after all: do you let your spouse know all of your innermost thoughts?),

 

2. as long you take care (emotionally, sexually,...) of your spouse it won't become an issue,

 

3. we are social beings (which you proofed by signing up for this page) and we all want to be looked at, liked, admired, desired. C'mon, who of us ladies doesn't want to be seductive and feel desired? (Sucks if hubby is giving his attention to BigBoobBerta insteadt of you though, right?!  I know.)

 

4. It's not okay to say 'everybody does it'. Remember growing up?

-Mom, Dad, can I stay out til 12 tonite? -No! -But everybody is! - Well,you are not one of them!  (Turns out: everybody had to be home by 10...) It is your choice to watch porn. You do it on your own, and not because everybody is doing it.  It wouldn't be okay to say for your child, but it's okay for you? Owe up!

 

5. Never ever make it obvious to your spouses that this is a easy way out or use porn against her/ him: you weren't here...  If you'ld only would do this and that....  It shows a lack of interest to work or wait things out.  This really will kill the mood.

 

6. Last but not least: It's a self-esteem issue.  You watch porn and most do it in secret, you are somewhat a voyeur.  Why are you hiding? Afraid I may laugh at you? Or get mad? Afraid I reject you? Think different of you? Hey, I may like it, if you present it me to it in the right way...

              Same for those who feel victimized by it.  Does it make you feel ugly? Unattractive? Why? You are still as beautiful as you were before you discovered he/she watches porn. His/ her issue, not yours. Your body didn't change: you are afraid that he/she looks at your body differently, right?!  So, be good to yourself!  Appreciate and love yourself, your body, mind, and soul.

 

Look, after all relationships are about compromise, right? 

 

Quote From: nukesubman

Thanks for the welcome.

 

According to the counselor I saw at the hospital, I don't have an addiction, but it did create a big problem within our mariage.  I don't know how much help I can be here, since it has been less than a year for me, but I will try.

 

I haven't felt like I was slipping back, nor have I had the desire to look at porn.  Roxy and I have talked about this, and we have agreed that if there is a point when this occurs, I will bring it up to her and we can discuss what is going on that could be bringing it back.  I can't say for sure if he is slipping or not, but if he is starting to look around again, that would be a sure sign for him.  The first thing that would give me a clue, is if I started to search out porn.  That would be a real indicator that I was slipping back.  If that is the case, then he needs to talk with you, and explain what is going on within your relationship that could be turning him back.

 

If he is slipping back and not saying anything, it could be that he is too embarrased to admit it, or he does have a fear of you finding out that he is.  I wish that I could be of more help here, but like I said, i haven't felt myself slipping back.