Topic : Pornography

Quote From: darcylove

without professional help but often it is not the easiest thing. chances are if he is an addict.......his best bet is getting counseling.

 

I myself am married to a recovering addict. And it wasn't until he got professional help did things change.

 

I found it was interesting that you found porn just after you found out you were pregnant. One thing to remember is that one way addicts deal with stress (such as the stress of having a new child) is go to what is comforting to them....and for your husband it is porn. Don't take this as in insult against you.....but just understand that an addicts mind works this way. They don't know how to cope. And what professional help will do is give them more effective ways of coping with things.

 

good luck.

Quote From: jeanymarie

  

    Just found this topic (How porn has affected our relationship)  and I have read some of the messages left by everyone out there.  I think my husband has an addiction to porn and I am very bothered by it.  I originally took his problem as my problem - not pretty enough, etc. but I understand it is his problem not mine.  He tells me it has nothing to do with my looks or that he isn't attracted to me (he wants it all the time) he says it is just something different to look at.  He is no longer in my home for that and other issues but he is asking to come home.  He says that he will give the porn up but my question to anyone out there is this - "Can he give it up without seeking any kind of professional help?"  I think that if someone is just changing for you and does not see that it is wrong then it is only a matter of time before he is doing it again or maybe he will just get sneaker about it and cover it up a little better then before.  Does that sound logical to anyone?  Should I give him a chance?  We have a son that is about to be 7months old and I am 3months pregnant with our second child.  Ironically he has also been out of the house for 3months.  I found out a week after he was out that we were having another child.  Any tips or advice anyone can share with me, I would appriciate it.  Thanks.

Quote From: kimikomine

I have definately felt great hatred. As a matter of fact, feel it even these days towards some people and I am certainly not a saint, no way, no how I just never would think to wipe out someones life because I hated them. As for the preference in sperm targets :), it doesn't matter to me but it is a good indicator as to whether the person has been using up all his energies elsewhere.  As a woman, I would prefer it if the man never reached that point. Now that would be just splendid wouldn't it? hmmmmmm.... I heard that the best male/female sexual unions are those in which a guy can make his woman orgasms multiple times and be able to refrain from ejaculation until his woman is completely satisfied. I find it a great turn on when a guy can be a good sexual provider and not need to have an orgasm so quickly. I think porn is very dangerous to men because their orgasms are usually pretty quick and even though they don't want to admit it, it affects their level of being able to hold their orgasm.

Quote From: allinall

 no. Frequent porn use usually inhibits/extends the time it takes to reach orgasm. Especially if the sexual act is not "at the same level" as that in the porn. It's normally the deprivation of release that quickens orgasm. Pressure builds up and it takes less stimulation to reach orgasm.

One of the practices used to inhibit premature ejaculation is for the man to masterbate prior to coitus. That way the nerves are less sensitive and react at a slower rate.

Quote From: katlynn65

True, Allinall.  My fiance goes through this problem.  I wasn't sure how to respond without getting too graphic, but you did a good job.  Perfecto!

Quote From: allinall

this site may be of help to you, though it doesn't mention masterbation prior to sexual intercourse:
www.mayoclinic.com/health/premature-ejaculation/DS00578

I hope you don't find this too presumptuous of me. I don't know the extent you have pursued this problem...and I really don't need to know.

Good luck.

Quote From: katlynn65

Thank you very much, Allinall.  I will check it out indeed.

Quote From: msbrill2

Many years ago I dated a guy who was into porn. Pornographic magazines, films, pornographic movie theaters. And he had the mentality. He once took me to a porno movie. He made it clear he was more interested in what was going on with the screen than he was with me. He had his hat on his lap, and that is all I'm going to say. The experience was degrading. It was as if I was not enough and he wanted me to feel bad about it, and I did. He was very very controlling, and yet he needed the outside source of his pornographic entertaiment to be "interested" in me. If I wanted to leave, he would convince me anyone else I ever saw would use me. He obviously had a different name for what he was doing to make using and controlling me "okay", which it wasn't. I got fed up with this man, got fed up with his endless put-downs, his negativity. I left him and didn't care about what he didn't like about me or what I did or didn't do with my life, because he was totally against my pursuing my college degree. Years later, I read a book by Dr. Barbara DeAngelis that if you need an outside source to feel attracted to someone you are cheating on your partner. Dr. DeAngelis spoke straight to my heart when I read that. My answer to the how porn affected our relationship? It ruined a relationship I regret I ever being in in the first place. The man I saw who indulged in pornography was selfish, sexist, controlling, cruel, hypercritical, slimy and sick. I am sure there are men who are far more healthy than this man was who also look at pornography, I am seeing a great guy, and he does not look at pornography. I am what he needs and he accepts me exactly the way I am. He loves me and respects me as a friend and loves me like a woman, not an object. We separated for a long time and saw other people, then we got back together a year ago. I learned to set a firm limit on someone who watches porno books, magazines or films. I will refuse to be involved with someone who looks at porn, and I refuse to have it in my home. I will also re-evaluate why I am wasting my time!

Quote From: allinall

 The problem this society has is this skewed notion of where is victimization and where is accountability. Sticking with the board topic, those who have a problem with others using porn feel victimized. Those feeling victimized want the other to be accountable for their self imposed "victimization". Those who feel victimized by the other's use of porn is self inflicted victimization.

Unless, the one who feels victimized by the porn use is being somehow forced to partake in the viewing of the porn against their will. That then would be involuntary victimization. And when the one not using the porn has a sex drive that is being neglected, rejected and/or ignored by the one using the porn, then yes, there is involuntary victimization.

It was very wisely posted on this board that there is nothing depicted in porn that has not been around before porn was even "invented". Sexual depiction has always reflected what sexual practices had already been practiced and/or imagined. The sexual act(s) have always preceeded the depiction of that/those acts.

That one or more choose not to partake in whichever sexual practices because it is depicted in pornographic material is practicing self imposed victimization. Would that same refusal of sexual act(s) be so readily rejected if depicted in a "scientific" sexual instruction "manual" such as the Joy of Sex, or the like? With more than a few I would say yes. To others it would be acceptable because it did not come from a medium depicting such debauchery. Even though the sexual act itself is the same no matter which way it conveyed. And how many of us have learned anything in our life that had not been conveyed from another source.

How it can be misconstrued that another should be held accountable for another's self imposed victimization is itself victimizing. As odd as it may seem to many, those who choose to seek an alternative for what they can not get otherwise, is being accountable because they can not, nor should they, seek to change the mindset of the other who has no desrie themself to change. And to cry blamer because someone chose to not inflict their view upon the other is childish. That is firmly grounded in the idea that accountability always lies at the feet of someone else. And only victims believe that.