Topic : Pornography

I am hoping now that I have some down time to be able to spend some time reflecting on what I can do to bring this marriage up to a par. I am starting to see that I do not know how to take relationships so seriously that it requires. I failed at the most important things to him and that is his family and friends. And he failed on the one on one time together. But maybe this is how we both function best and we might never be able to meet the middle ground. This I will have to see. I think after five years together we would have a decent handle on things yet we still seem very cautious and afraid of each other. And it has been going on too long. He just seems to want it to work so it gives me hope that if I can make a turn around somewhere..... 

  

I am also coming to terms with the fact that maybe I am used to having less and ambition and money scare me to an extent. But this could be because I never had it to think about. Now, I see how some people live the good life and it upsets me that I feel so out of place with it all. I want to fit in with the regular people but I must be so insecure that they become a threat. I have a lot of work to do yet. I don't know if staying married will help me work through some of these issues. I am going to look for another therapist. I think it's time to get some guidance again.  

if you still have theirs, you could e-mail them and get mine. Ummmm still can't find the quote though, not that i've had a chance to look really....i know i have the book still it's just a matter of finding it in my organized chaos:) 

  

take care you!! 

Bobbi 

Hi all, 

I just became a member and got my post all ready to send but nothing happened. I was logged in and not sure what the problem was so this is my practice post. I want to make sure it works before I start typing another message that won't be posted. Thanks for your patience. 

Hi everyone, 

I've been reading the posts and have realized that I'm not the only one with this problem. To give alittle background and to go back in time abit, I've was with this wonderful man for 3 years. I broke it off for 1 year and now we've been back together for almost 2 years and living together for 1 year. He was married for 20 years. The year we were split up he took up with a woman when he was on the rebound from me. We finally made it back to each other. When we got back together he had told me that he had been masturbating to porn for most of his marriage. Also they year he was with the other woman he masturbated to porn. His excuse was that they pretty much stayed away from him sexually. My thought was how could they, he's a wonderful man. We'll i'm starting to figure out why. Now when we were together the first 3 years I never knew him to look at porn. Atleast he didn't when he was at my house and we were togther most of the time. Now that we're living together, he is on the computer every morning looking at porn and the webcam. I finally talked to him and told him how much it upset me. He said he would work on it. That lasted one day. I make myself available to him. I've never turned himdown. He will be looking at porn in the a.m.and sometimes get back into bed to have sex with me. The computer is in the bedroom so I know he's looking every morning. Infact, not even 5 min. after he logs on, he's checking it out. I'm beside myself. I feel used, unattractive because I can't understand why, if he claims he loves me so much and that I'm the light of his life, why he does this. I know it's an addition. We are engaged to get married and I can't do this until his addition is gone. I just don't understand. It seems to be getting worse. His is also looking at teen porn. He's 48. This isn't right but I don't know how to talk to him about it because he gets defensive. We need counceling but how do I even bring that up? Does anyone out there have any advice for me? This relationship can't keep going on like this. 

"THIS RELATIONSHIP CAN NOT KEEP GOING ON LIKE THIS"......Take your own advice, your own gut instincts.  I hope that you will read your own post on here and really take it word for word and see how you would answer someone else asking this same thing.  What you want is someone to confirm what you already know inside yourself.  This relsp is not going to go very well at all and if you marry this person with this problem at this point, it will only tell him that you are willing to sell yourself short just to keep a man.  In otherwords, you knew before you married him that he has this serious issue, and yet you considered him "good" enough to marry you.  Meaning, if you do marry him, then you are marrying this problem.    

   

Woman!  He's looking at porn and then using YOU for the equipment to close the deal! He's looking at "teenagers".....and you will STILL consider marrying him????????????  Please explain this to me? How is this remotely "normal" or right when it bothers you so badly?   You should feel used!  You are being used!!!   

   

He's defensive, because he has no intention of answering for something he doesn't think is wrong.  He's 48, he hasn't changed after loosing other relationships over this problem....so what do YOU have that YOU think will change it?  Something special?  Or do you have some abilities that every woman who's been in his life never had?  They left him, dumped him, whatever.....but YOU see him as "wonderful"....?  Not only is he looking at porn, but he's messing with a webcam?  And why? And why are you allowing this person to degrade you, humiliate you, and then on top of that stiffle you from talking to him about it.  You want answers, here's some.....  

   

DO NOT marry this person, DO NOT live with this person, DO NOT sit there and wait until he's done looking at porn and then ALLOW him to USE YOU for sex....(and right there in your bedroom....are you crazy!!!)  

   

Let me ask you this:  If he were to bring a teen into your bed room and have her strip down, preform sex acts right there in front of you and then watch her but ask you to have sex with him.........would you even consider doing that?  Then why are you doing that NOW!!??  

   

"How do I bring up counseling?"  Here's how....."I think I will be checking into some pre-marital counseling and we both need to go.  We need to address this whole porn problem you have and get that cleared up before I consider you for a husband for the rest of my life.....because when I give myself over into a marriage, it's really a LIFELONG vow I intend to keep and you apparently don't think that much of the same when it comes to marriage....until that is straightened out and we have healed from this....the marriage plans are off!"   

   

That's how you say it, that's how you mean it, and don't stop him should he start to walk out that door, because if this doesn't happen before you get married, it sure as poop ain't gonna happen after you get married and it won't be HIS fault it will be yours for taking this junk.  

   

Like YOU said; this relsp can't keep going on like this.......now just MEAN what you say!  If you can't listen to yourself and what your spirit is trying to tell you, what makes you think anyone will hear you!  

   

Luv~  

I would have to ask what your age is, and his....because there's a difference in "being checked out by a man" in the sense that anything beautiful is going to get a glance or some attention, that's normal.  I mean I am sure, no positive, that my husband loves it when I look my best and we are together and others might look.  I am really proud when he's on my arm and another woman might  look his way...but I'd have a problem if she walked up and propositioned him, but so would he.  That would be a lack of respect for my marriage and me.  Women are like a crown jewel on a man's arm and when other men notice his woman is nice looking, I think it does make a man proud.     

    

It's not what "other women" do, crushes, flirting, what have you....it's the reaction or ACTION that your man takes on it.  For instance if a woman comes on to him, and he responds with the intention of letting her know he's interested....that's a big sign...like one that he's likely to "act" on the invitation.  But if he responds like he should, he should be able to let her know that under no circumstances is he available or willing to take her up on any kind of "activities" that would jeopardize his character or relationships.  It's really about trusting him, not worrying about what other woman do, but what he does.     

    

I know my husband is good looking, heck, that's one reason I was attracted to him.  If you think you are the only human alive that will find your man attractive...you are wrong.  Just as I am sure other men might find me attractive and my husband knows that.  Not being vain, but we all have a differing degree of what we find attractive in others and what we don't.  I am positive that other men like certain "things" on a woman, therefore, they are going to notice those "things".  Whether that be long hair, long legs or nice toes....someone is going to notice our mates, or their women.  It's dwelling on a certain person in more than a "nice" way....like actually pursuing that person with the intention of making it more than just "admiration" from a far.  That's when there's a problem.  And I am sure you know of the "look" that we ALL are capable of putting out there to draw "sexual attention" to ourselves, and that sometimes needs a little adjustment for some....who need that kind of attention because they lack it at home, so they put themselves in situations where they "look needy of attention" from the opposite sex.  And believe it or not, men are real preceptive of woman who do this....and it's not always "attractive" to them either.  It's one of the first things I think of when I meet a man who goes beyond "looking" and takes things to another level with a married woman....there's something lacking in that kind of person, and I know it right off the bat.    

    

I think we all get, well, maybe not "all"...but we should strive to have a special place in our partners hearts, their thoughts, and what WE have that only WE have that makes us special to them.  In other words, there are things about US that only they know.  We don't share those things with anyone else but them.  Ex: My husband has some "favorites" that no one but myself knows about. And it should be that way.  He also knows my "favorite" things that he does, that I don't share.  These are things that I am "confident" about our rlsp.  And no amount of "looks" that anyone else has is going to change that about us.   

    

Since you know about this "26 yr old girl" at the office, then it's safe to say, he's told you some things about it.  Hence, he's devuldged this info and is not hiding it.  That's a positive thing.  If you must talk about it...ask him how he responds to her.  I am sure he's not provoking her or leading her on.  If you have to...ask him about it.  But know this....when you drill a man about such things, you are really suggesting that his "character" is in question and that you need some reassurance from him that he's "happy" with you....so be direct about asking him that.  Don't "beat around the bush" and get ticked at "her" when the power lies with him as to how he behaves.   

    

There are 26 year old blondes walking all over the world....and if that were the "threat" that you really have to concern yourself with....then you will never be secure in who you are with him.  And that's really where you should spend that energy getting to WITH HIM.  If a man is smiling when he leaves the house....and smiling while leaving work to hurry home to you....other woman usually get the "hint" that he's pretty much taken care of......get my drift here?   

    

Luv~   

Well, you let me have it! i know I won't marry him if this continues BUT...I guess what I was looking for were stories of other women who have gone through this and wanted to know the outcomes. To set things straight, he doesn't come to me to finish off...most of the time he finishes himself off. We do have sex, but that's all it is. What happened to the art of Lovemaking? I know what I have to do and I will be searching out counceling. I was looking for hope that there is life after porn (with the same person). I don't mean to sound as if i'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself (although that does happen occasionally), which everyone is entitled to once in awhile but I'm researching everything possible and wanted to hear of any success stories. I only gave you the jist of the story and that is probably all that is needed. Thanks for the tough love talk. That's what this is all about isn't it? To share stories and blow off alittle steam and get some advice from others who are going through the same thing? Thanks again.

Ok ok, you obviously haven't read to many of the archives on this subject here on Dr. Phil have you?  Most of them aren't so good, especially if the woman knew the problem before marrying him, and did it anyway!  That's the point.  You can not "fix this" later on, as a matter of fact, you can't fix this at all.  

  

If he doesn't even acknowledge the problem, how can he fix it himself?  He can't, not only can't he....but he likely won't.  

  

If you are really "hell bent" on trying anything with this person...then simply ask him to stop doing it.  And ask him to see if the sex with you actually turns into "lovemaking" with you.  Then be the "judge" yourself as to how his mind is working.  You might even find that he is "unable to achieve" the goal of "lovemaking".   Sex for a man, doesn't always have to be this drama of sharing love....sometimes it is just raw sex.  And that's not a bad thing once in a while.  But if you are already "feeling" as if it's always JUST SEX.....then do you believe this will change anytime soon?  I sure don't. 

  

There IS LIFE AFTER PORN, but it's usually, NO ALWAYS, after the guy acknowledges the problem, whether it be your problem or his.  He doesn't just tell you "we aren't discussing this"....because that's a huge indicator of how other issues in marriage would also be handled.  Think about that one would you?   

  

If you want a marriage that lasts forever, it should never start off with one partner harboring resentment or pushing their own feelings deeper inside just so that the other person doesn't get upset....and that's what he's expecting you to do, isn't it?  The thing is, if the truth about how you feel isn't important to him...well, exactly what about you is important to him? 

  

Luv~ 

You're right Luv. Like I said I didn't go into this long story but I may have omitted some details that should have been written. When we were together the first 3 years before the split, the sex was great! He was attentive and sensitive in all departments. Now it lacks in the sex area, but to be fair, there are times (very few, every 1 or 2 months) but he does have that sensitive and giving side and makes love to me. I haven't asked him to go to counceling yet and if he declines then I know that this can't be fixed and the marriage won't happen. It may not sound it but I do have that much respect for myself. This was my first time even putting it into writing and I was alittle nervous about mentioning it to strangers. I should have been more detailed.  

He actually treats my like a Queen except I don't feel like it in that aspect of our life. He is giving and thoughtful but when he first wakes up in the morning, it's the porn that gets his attention first. That's why I'm hopeful that we or he can get help on this. This is an addition and like other additions, it can be conquered and I do need to give him a chance to change his ways.