Topic : Pornography

Some people learn from thier mistakes, choices, decisions and tend not to want to repeat them. Sometimes though we hold ourselves guilty for having done what we did so we are more forgiving due to our own "wrongdoings". The thing is, they are not wrong doings but parts of who we are and we either express them somehow or choose to painfully keep them bottled up always wondering. Sometimes we are able to fulfill a fantasy, sometimes we are not. I think in the case of the guys or girls that like to voyour, just for looking sake, they are storing the images away for when they want to use them during their masturbation or when they feel a need to have something keep them entertained.

I think some people are more prone to feeling bad about sexual thoughts because we would like to believe that people are more then sexual objects to be used for our sexual fantasies. Also, some people are just more spiritually oriented which makes them more cautious when it comes to matters of lust.  Since a woman's brain is wired towards the intuitive side much more then a man, she knows the outcome of such fantasies and what danger they could bring. Not that they will, but could. And we don't want to jeopardize what we feel is good. - our present relationship.

Since men are more action oriented, women more thought oriented, men will go and pursue their fantasy, whereas a woman might just think about it. We both have them but men don't seem to be in the market of keeping it to themselves. Therefore, the ability of them to casually throw in a three some tape of african women using cucumbers and think this is going to turn us on, like it does to them. They don't understand how we could see it as a threat to the quality of the relationship. To them its like sugar in their coffee. An everyday norm.

You can give ultimatiums and I would suggest you stick with them because I didn't and I remain in the same situation. Why didn't I stick to them? Because I didn't trust my intuition. Remember, we are humans but with animal insticts. Intuition saves lives, use it and progress don't stomp it out and ignore it. If you were wrong, then you could at least learn your lesson if you don't give yourself that respect, you will lose respect for yourself, and then he will take even more advantage of your being a good person. Good luck.

I am very new to this board!!  Hi All!

Allinall-  I had to post and say I  really like the smiley's on seesaw-  Very clever!!!   I have trouble down loading or uploading these kinds of things on my computer!!   

Any way-  Very interesting board!!!!!

See y'all later-

Don't rent "co-da" book from the library, you will want it for yourself. I have read that book at least 10 times at different times in my life. You want to spend the $20, believe me!

We all have co-da rlsps. Its inevitable. People want something from us, and then we feel obligated to give it to them so that they will love us and we will be good people. Now, this is good because it makes us able to be emphathetic to someone elses needs. But when we are living outside of who we really are, because someone wants us to be a certain way, then we are not being emphatetic but followers in someone elses path. We will have a hard time keeping up, believe me.

The one thing I find really helps in most situations, is to be conscious of how you feel at that given time. Our feelings can change minute by minute, by the way. So when we stay stuck in one way of feeling, for instance on hyperalert to if your guy is being tempted with porn.......we lose out on being in touch with ourselves, ie. co-dependant on what and how someone else is acting or what they are doing, etc.

Lose the grip on what he may be experiencing. It is his experience alone. Just like yours is. We would like to think that everyone is going to be on the same page as us and understand how we are feeling, when they are feeling what they are feeling, not possible to feel what we feel, and visa versa. Its difficult to not attach ourselves to someone that is significant in our lives, but if they are not bringing joy, then they are bringing saddness and pain. Now, this is good too. When we feel this way, uneasy, hurt, confused, we are working through things and some of use have more things to work through. This life??????? This life is for you. Now what is it that you want right now?

Since you have gone this far as to ask him, discuss it, he talks to you about it, admitted he may have a problem, replaced real sex with visual sex, you in my book have made great leaps. of faith, intuition followed by action when necessary. Good for you! You are able to communicate what it is you need to express to him, you even left for a few months, came back, put yourselves back in the game, and then that darn intuition kicked in again, huh? Darn intuition!

The part that upsets me is where you say "he got better at hiding it and you got better at discovering it!" It bothers me because now it is a game of who is going to win not a good environment if you want an outcome that will create love and acceptance for one another.

You know what I really think all this comes down to? We feel the need so bad to control our lives, fearing something, someone is going to come along and disrupt it, that we cling to certain belief systems, phobias, but these are the thing

my husband too works 12 hours days. Add to that he rotates from days to nights and the cycle repeats itself every 28 days.

i believe my co-dependency started with my father. then manifested itself with my husband's porn addiction. When i first started reading co-dependent no more......at first the book made me furious. I thought "Why is this so bad? This is what makes me a good person."

I kept reading dispite my anger. I should revisit the book one of these days just to see how far i have come and see what i still need to work on.

another book my therapist had me read was "10 days to self esteem". i really came a long way with that book.

i think my first step would be to say to him "Let's go get help and let a professional decide if you have a problem with porn."

as far as ultimatums.....if one is given...one has to follow through with it. what good does it do if one says "If you eat that cookie.....you won't go to the party tonight." and then the person eats the cookie and goes to the party. Nothing is learned or has come of anything.

For many people....they fear giving ultimatums. But we all live in a world in which there are unspoken ultimatums. there are things we can accept and there are things we can't accept.

my first step would be to say "I think at this point we need to get help for our marriage." See how he reacts. Don't start with an ultimatum because maybe you don't need to give one. If he is reluctant to get help....then I would say "I am going. You can stay here and throw away our marriage. But I am going and I am going to learn what I can do to become stronger."

What i have found is that addicts fear someone that is co-dependent ...no longer being co-dependent. that means they aren't going to be able to continue the way they have. it means they will no longer be enabled by this person.  And sometimes that alone makes them wake up and say "If I don't get help...I am going to loose this person in my life." Because they will ....when a co-dependent gets better and the addict doesn't....the relationship falls apart because it no longer works. I have seen this happen with my relationship with my father. He has been left standing wondering what the heck happened. He continues to try to control me ...but has come up short in the last few years. Needless to say he is pretty lost right now.

i hope this helps. Again I don't think i can be as much value to you as a professional is. All i have is my experiences.

.....that hold us back from being successful and pursuing our dreams. Its take a while to realize that this is life is for us, to use, as a gift, it is for us, please believe this!  If we keep worrying about what someone else is doing, not doing, what they are wearing, not wearing, how much money they have, don't have, how happy they are, or how depressed, how beautiful or ugly, doesn't that kind of seem like a major waste of our time? Wouldn't it be better right now to think about what it is you want right now, what you need, what will make you feel you are moving ahead, not remaining a slug in this awsome day, minute by minute, breathe in breathe out, life?

Its important to seek ways that are going to make progress forward holding onto when your husband, my husband, is going to look at porn, what they are going to be fantasizing about, is not important. What is important is how you are attaching yourself to this and allowing it to keep you back. There is something innately in this for you.  What I have found out through all this crazy few years is I am on a spiritual journey and even though I don't expect others to be on one, I also know it is important for me to pursue my own visions of what is good. Living with someone that does things that upsets us puts us in a spot to have to work through things. And what I am finding out is I really don't trust anyone but I am working on that. But it is not good to remain in an environment where it is blatently obvious that you cannot trust. You already know that. I already know that. Now progress forward in life!!!!!

i was skimming through the post here this morning. Learning to read with bi-focals so it is a new experience. (I have old eyes!)

First I don't think all people will be co-dependents. There are healthy relationships and then there is unhealthy relationships. Staying in an unhealthy relationship is where a person begins to have problems.

As i was typing my previous post I was thinking about you. I wonder still today how long a person stays in an unhealthy relationship....sets goals for the relationship and fails to see them through. Maybe we need to change the word 'ultimatum" to "goals set with expectations." I like that much better.

Again I think everyone has "goals set with expectations" in every relationship we have. And how does someone live with an addict and expect things to change if they don't lay those out.

There is nothing i hated more then having to 'mother' (as some call it) him. That is why I at one point decided I no longer wanted any part of it. I would always end up the bad guy. I didn't want to be his police. I didn't want to be the person whom he had to be accountable to. I didn't sign on for that. But time and time again he left me in that position.

My hope for you is that you get better and your husband sees you becoming a stronger person. And because he cares so much about you and fears loosing you...he makes the steps to work on himself too. My hope for you is to make that change.

not as bad as yesterday. I shouldn't complain. How is 80 warm? think of those buckeyes today playing football in texas in the heat. I hope they can pull off a win!

i am going to my son's baseball games today. Should be fun (and a long day).