Hi Darce! It does help when the model is so so so so beautiful!
I had a really nice time. It was relaxing and I did some hiking near these awsome falls. There were bridges crossing over them and tight walking paths along side. Very impressive. I was alone but met a few hikers and even though the weather was 32 degrees(there was actually snow on the mountain) the sun was out and life was good.
I have been a real stickler within my marriage. Bucking anything that I knew would bring him happiness. From spending time with his daughter, family and friends to cooking, cleaning and having sex. Everything I knew would make him happy, I all because I was not dealing correctly with the porn and phone sex excursions. I always knew I had some insecurities, but this really brought them to the forefront. If anything, I have learned confidence in myself as a woman, a person and a friend. I don't think I will ever be intimidated by a man's misuse of sex. Unfortunately, I have had to face my demons and my own sexuality very closely. I have also had to face the ugly truth that men will abuse and take advantage of a good thing....meaning a good woman.
I don't think I will ever understand the mindset behind men and their blatent abilty to lust, desire and sexually pursue other women, and yet expect the woman to sit back and take the psychologically damaging affect of this neglect - but then again, since I was born a woman, I don't think it was meant that I understand the male brain - my focus is on humaness, male and female, and respect for one another. At the expense of not getting the respect I felt I deserved, I have fallen into the throes of male chauvenistic behaviour and I think it was specifically made available for me, (I consider these things gifts, even though they are painful at times.).
I have really learned that I am ok if I don't decide to commit to one person and if I do commit, it should be because of love and respect for one another......not expectations. My new understanding is that no one can knock you down unless you keep putting yourself in their way and if you keep getting knocked down, obviously the lesson of moving where you are standing or finding some support to hold you up, has not been learned.
I never thought I would feel bad knowing the my husband looks at porn. I actually feel compassion for him now that he is living in such a fantasy life and has no clue how to have a good, healthy, fun loving sexual relationship with me. I am no longer angry that he pays $$$$ every day to look at porn, but I am proud of myself for being able to put up that wall (called boundaries) and not sleep with him or have sex. I will not committ myself to a man that is committed to sexual exploitation of women and cannot see beyond a womans sexual anatomy and beauty.
I need a man of substance. This is something I have discovered. With substance, there is something to work with. Without it, its abusive. Yep. I learned a lot and yep, I will remain married to him only because he is not kicking me out and because the moment of my departure I don't think is anywhere in sight. The lesson is still to remain and try to work it out for some reason. Yippeee........can't wait for the next lesson. Peace and love. Kim
