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Topic : Pornography

Number of Replies: 27679
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:18:48 pm
Author : dataimport

Good or bad, does porn play a part in your life? Talk about it here.


For support, please visit the How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship message board.

 

Please note: While a mature discussion about pornography is the purpose of this board, any posts that are attacking towards another poster, or are too graphic in nature, will be removed at the moderators' discretion.



As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 26, 2005, 11:09 am CDT

sandman

Quote From: sandman4u

Hello everyone, I'm sure I won't be getting the warm 'welcome backs' that all the others are hehe

but, here I am.

I'll say welcome back, sandman! As I recall, we had reached a fragile truce just before the boards went down. Anyway, how are you?
 
July 26, 2005, 11:28 am CDT

No waiting here

Quote From: sandman4u

Why is it that women always lay in bed and wait for men to approach them? Have they ever heard of initiating sex with their husbands? Ya know, men like to feel desired and wanted also! And asAllinall stated,after a while, we get tired of doingall the initiating (whether we're shot down or not). That's ANOTHER reason why we look at porn!Because alot of the time it's the WOMEN that are approaching the men in theseporn movies - and as any man knows, that is a really BIG TURN-ON. Perhaps if these wives would chase their husband's around the house more often,they wouldn't have the desire to look at it as much. Just my opinion.

p.s. **Has anyone seen Jessica Simpson's new video??? "These BootsAre Made For Walking"....HOT DAMN!! Almost better than any porn out there lol! Damn you Jessie....

I don't lie in bed waiting and never have. Okay, maybe once or twice I did because I had this new nightie and had created this whole fantasy in my head of him coming into the bedroom to find me lying seductively on the bed waiting to be ravaged. See, we have fantasies too that often involve the man "taking us by force" so to speak. Anyway, my husband is not like most men if you contend that most men are like you and I've frankly found its dangerous to get too caught up in the most men most women thing. My husband is turned off by any obvious overtures toward sex on my part. He prefers to be the man and at least have the illusion of initiating. Of course, I help it along by "sending those signals," but I rarely behave in a sexually aggressive manner toward him because I've shot down way too many times for that behavior. Do I like this? Am I happy with the current sexual dynamic of our relationship? No. I miss having the freedom to initiate. I miss feeling that I have the power, through seduction, to turn his attention to me and me alone. It isn't porn that consumes my husband and pulls his focus from me; it's work. He works a full day and then comes right home and gets on the computer and works some more, generally into the wee hours of the morning until he's too exhausted for sex anyway. And besides, he wouldn't be able to make room for sexual thoughts in his mind for all the thoughts about servers and switches and routers and networks and blah blah blah. And please don't respond back with the suggestion of some scenario I need to go through or some little trick I need to try, something that would definitely work for you and "most men," because I know my husband better than anyone, and he is not most men. Sex is very low on the priority list for him and it's something I've had to accept because I love him. Now, if you have any advice for how I can lower my sex drive, that would be great. 
 
July 26, 2005, 11:39 am CDT

welcome back allinall

Quote From: allinall

Realizing that I am only a man, therefore not able to understand, still what about letting him know the intention to have sex instead of just getting ready and waiting in bed. Many men go to bed and try to intiate only to be rejected with any of the miriad of excuses (reasons). Many to the extent that they (men) just give up trying and just wait for her to let him know she is available. How many times would you go to a resturant and wait extended periods of time to be waited on while those having sat down after you got waited on first. All the while the waiter saying I'll get to you when I can. I just have all these other people to take care of first. Or, I've had such a long day and am very tired so I'll get to you when I can get the energy. Seems logical that you wouldn't allow it to happen frequently before not going to that resturant again.

(Cut and paste quoting doesn't seem to work on this new format so I'm speaking to your responce to Shmaybo about waiting for the husband to come to bed while he's "jacking off" to porn.)

(nothing against you in any of this) My point being that, as usual, all these assurtions are being made when we have no real knowledge of how she (any woman) has treated him sexually or that she is being fair sexually in the marriage in her mind alone.

First welcome. I hope you are able to find your way around this board. It is very confusing so far to me.

 

I think.....you have it stuck in your head that if a man is looking at porn....it has to be because some women isn't doing her part in bed with a man....and I have found more times than not....it isn't about the women being available.

 

Also....if you believe that everytime you get a little turned on....a women is there at your every beck and call....well you have the picture all wrong. Life! Ever heard of it. Like last night....I could have had sex easily but my husband had a very had day at work. He wasn't feeling well and went to bed like at 8 pm. Did I throw a fit? Nope!  Does this happen from time to time....it sure does.  I think.....so many people believe that if two people are horizonital together....it means something has to happen every time....and it doesn't. There are times in which my husband and I's sex life is flourishing....and sex comes several times a week. And then there are times in which things are slower (and I think it is because of our busy lives) that we go for a week or two without. Do I get upset about it? No....do I miss him....sure I do. Does he get upset? No....does he miss me? I'm sure he does

 

 

My point is....life is unpredictable. THere are many things in our adults lives to attend to...kids, jobs, the house, etc. We know this because IT IS LIFE!!!!! and we don't cry about it because we are adults who know that's just how things go sometimes.

 
July 26, 2005, 11:41 am CDT

welcome back allinall

Quote From: allinall

Realizing that I am only a man, therefore not able to understand, still what about letting him know the intention to have sex instead of just getting ready and waiting in bed. Many men go to bed and try to intiate only to be rejected with any of the miriad of excuses (reasons). Many to the extent that they (men) just give up trying and just wait for her to let him know she is available. How many times would you go to a resturant and wait extended periods of time to be waited on while those having sat down after you got waited on first. All the while the waiter saying I'll get to you when I can. I just have all these other people to take care of first. Or, I've had such a long day and am very tired so I'll get to you when I can get the energy. Seems logical that you wouldn't allow it to happen frequently before not going to that resturant again.

(Cut and paste quoting doesn't seem to work on this new format so I'm speaking to your responce to Shmaybo about waiting for the husband to come to bed while he's "jacking off" to porn.)

(nothing against you in any of this) My point being that, as usual, all these assurtions are being made when we have no real knowledge of how she (any woman) has treated him sexually or that she is being fair sexually in the marriage in her mind alone.

First welcome. I hope you are able to find your way around this board. It is very confusing so far to me.

 

I think.....you have it stuck in your head that if a man is looking at porn....it has to be because some women isn't doing her part in bed with a man....and I have found more times than not....it isn't about the women being available.

 

Also....if you believe that everytime you get a little turned on....a women is there at your every beck and call....well you have the picture all wrong. Life! Ever heard of it. Like last night....I could have had sex easily but my husband had a very had day at work. He wasn't feeling well and went to bed like at 8 pm. Did I throw a fit? Nope!  Does this happen from time to time....it sure does.  I think.....so many people believe that if two people are horizonital together....it means something has to happen every time....and it doesn't. There are times in which my husband and I's sex life is flourishing....and sex comes several times a week. And then there are times in which things are slower (and I think it is because of our busy lives) that we go for a week or two without. Do I get upset about it? No....do I miss him....sure I do. Does he get upset? No....does he miss me? I'm sure he does

 

 

My point is....life is unpredictable. THere are many things in our adults lives to attend to...kids, jobs, the house, etc. We know this because IT IS LIFE!!!!! and we don't cry about it because we are adults who know that's just how things go sometimes.

 
July 26, 2005, 12:15 pm CDT

dr phil's message today

Today Dr Phil talked to a couple who were about to get married and the man used porn frequently. His fiance.....was seeking help from Dr Phil and confused if this is what she wanted for her future. Here is what Phil had to say to her fiance.

 

"Let me tell you why it's not normal. Number one, pornography is fantasy. It isn't real. Those girls aren't real. Let me tell you what's real. She says that when you do this, she feels hurt, ugly, deceived, lied to and inadequate because she cannot measure up to these pornography images."

 

I don't know what part of that message do guys not hear?  They say the love us but yet they feel they are entitled to porn because "it is normal"....because "we are curious".....because "it is the only thing we have."  But they don't here "I feel hurt! I feel ugly! I feel deceived, lied to and inadequate because I cannot measure up."  What part of that don't these guys get?  This women.....that you claim to love feels ugly and like she doesn't measure up because of the porn use......and yet you continue?  Love isn't about leaving a person feeling inadequate. If something I did left someone I claim to love....feeling inadequate....I would really question why I did this.  Does a man need porn to survive? No! Does a man need porn to masterbate? NO! Does a man need porn at all? No....but yet we justify it because "hey I like it."  Well....I like going really fast sometimes in my car but I don't do that...WHY because it is stupid and dangerous!  Sometimes life is about doing the right thing....it isn't about doing what feels good in the moment.....and when we claim to love someone....we should do the right thing! I don't care what the excuses are.....there comes a point in time.....in which the excuses have to stop....there comes a point in time in which someone has to do the right thing! You can throw around that she isn't giving you enough sex....and she can throw around that she isn't giving you sex because you look at porn.....see....it gets people no where!  And the big question would be What came first ....the chicken or the egg?

 
July 26, 2005, 12:17 pm CDT

can we make the type bigger

hey Phil moderators!!!! is there a way we can make the message type bigger?  I have real trouble reading the smaller script and if I change it through the internet options (ignore font size)....it messes up the text. Can we go to a 16 or 18 font on these boards? It would really help! thanks!
 
July 26, 2005, 12:25 pm CDT

lilacmess

Quote From: lilacmess

I'll say welcome back, sandman! As I recall, we had reached a fragile truce just before the boards went down. Anyway, how are you?

A fragile truce?  Yes I do seem to recall something to that effect.  I'm fine, thought Dr Phil was gone forever so I forgot it for awhile.  By a fluke, I logged on but said I needed to re-register!  That's when I knew it was up again.  I read your post... Your husband ISN'T the type to enjoy and revere you pursuing HIM? Hmm...VERY odd.  But like you said, he's not like most of us men.  And you've learned to 'live with this' because you love him?  Sounds like he's missing out on a helluva bunch of fun and titillation.  Whatever floats his boat I guess lol.  Sounds like you're a little spitfire hehe....

 
July 26, 2005, 12:26 pm CDT

if he were in my shoes

I am not a wife who lays in bed waiting for my husband.  I often approach him to initiate (which he enjoys), but I have to request that he try to seduce me once in a while.  I get tired of waiting around on him to initiate with me.  When all of this (I found the porn and he admitted to masturbating to it)came down I had to ask him how he would feel if I went behind his back and masturbated to images of naked men.  He said that he wouldn't like me to do that.  He has told me many times that he does not ever want to share me - that means physically and emotionally or mentally.  I feel the same way about him.  I am ready to try new things - but it's hard to do that when someone repeatedly and on purpose tries to decieve you.  Doesn't make me want to rip my clothes off for him when I've caught him in a lie.  Not a real big turn-on for me.

 

 As mentioned before, it is very sad that porn has filtered down so much into our culture.  We have a 5 year old son and a daughter who isn't even one year old yet.  I think about the kind of world that they are growing up in - and how kids are growing up so fast.  I worry for them. 

 
July 26, 2005, 12:30 pm CDT

Hi Darcy

Quote From: darcylove

hey....i was just talking to the hubby last night about the regulars not being around so much.......I am so glad you found your way back.....How have you been? How are things with the hubby? Have you made any new decisions about your relationship? I was just thinking that last summer you had set a time line that you wanted things to be different by the end of the summer......are things different than they were last summer? I hope you have found some discoveries about things in the last few weeks.

Things here are pretty good.....damn too hot!!!! but tomorrow the temperatures are suppose to break and only be 75 degrees. I can't wait!!! It has been 90 + for like forever now!

 I am not sure if I like the format in the new board. It seems like a lot of wasted memory repeating the message. Anyway, tis not important. The time away from the board, albeit at first, was a little unsettling :) but we survived, right? I have actually used the time away to delve into my prep work for the board exam in 5 weeks. I have been working the spa and at the university and basically trying to get my head on straight.  I feel better these days and as you mentioned the time span????? Things have been getting a little better ( I am still struggling with being intimate with him) It's very hard to explain but I am really having a hard time warming up to him sexually. I don't miss having sex with him. We had sex once on the vacation (which is pretty amazing really) so this is why I say it is seemingly getting better although I am not so sure if we are both settling.  I have to realize that sex to him is basically sex. He likes his fantasy world better and seems ok with having me once in a while. I figure if he really wanted it bad enough he would make overtures towards doing things to make it happen. Most men will woo a woman (as long as he believes she is a willing participant) if a guy thinks he might not get anything, then he doesn't do much to even try. So, the woman is left wondering what's up and the man is left feeling rejected. No one wins.

The time limit was if things don't change by the summer I would leave. Things have changed, even if it only within myself, so I remain. I don't see myself leaving him right now because there really is no reason other then we are not sexual. Maybe this is how it's going to be.

So, you got to tell me.....how is your son doing now that his success in PR went so well? I think that is so awsome that you support him like you do. He is one lucky litttle boy :) TAke care. Kimi

I am starting to understand him a little better and not judge him too harshly. The one thing I have had to really learn is that when it comes to male/female roles in relationships we are on very different pages. He is a country boy and I am city chic. These things we can't change and in order for us to be able to really love one another, we have to learn how to respect the differences and I am trying. I think he is too. We went on vacation with his daughter last week for a week, and things were smoother. We still did not spend too much time together but it has increased from the zero time we spent together in the past. Now that I am working and making better money, he seems to be nicer to me and I know this is because now he is happy that I am showing signs of financial security for him.
 
July 26, 2005, 12:32 pm CDT

How Porn Has Affected Our Relationship

Quote From: darcylove

Your story is like so many. And my story started out not so different than yours...but I will have to say...that when we sought help as a couple....things improved greatly. We are now doing very well. It took time and hard work for the both of us. My husband is a porn addict. He no longer makes the excuses like he once did like "everyone does it" and so on.. He doesn't use the excuse "I can't help myself...I am an addict." He just accepts this is what he is and that he has to stay away from the porn. In our past there was much hurt, there were lies and there was deception. I also didn't feel I could leave the house because I never knew what would happen if I did. But I don't look over my shoulder any more (or for the most part I don't...it is hard to let go). There is help out there and if you both want it....I think anyone can over come porn in a marriage. Good luck and stick around.
thanks for the support - I am planning to seek some counseling for us so he can understand how this has torn me apart emotionally.  I used to feel so secure in my marriage - that I could trust him completely.  That died the day I found all the porn.  That wasn't the first "little white lie" he'd told me, but it was the last straw because it hit me so hard emotionally.  Glad to know there is hope.
 
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