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Topic : Pornography

Number of Replies: 27679
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:18:48 pm
Author : dataimport

Good or bad, does porn play a part in your life? Talk about it here.


For support, please visit the How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship message board.

 

Please note: While a mature discussion about pornography is the purpose of this board, any posts that are attacking towards another poster, or are too graphic in nature, will be removed at the moderators' discretion.



As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

July 26, 2005, 12:49 pm CDT

Yep, he's different.

Quote From: sandman4u

A fragile truce? Yes I do seem to recall something to that effect. I'm fine, thought Dr Phil was gone forever so I forgot it for awhile. By a fluke, I logged on but said I needed to re-register! That's when I knew it was up again. I read your post... Your husband ISN'T the type to enjoy and revere you pursuing HIM? Hmm...VERY odd. But like you said, he's not like most of us men. And you've learned to 'live with this' because you love him? Sounds like he's missing out on a helluva bunch of fun and titillation. Whatever floats his boat I guess lol. Sounds like you're a little spitfire hehe....

I console myself with the knowledge that, for me anyway, it feels better, more invigorating on the grand scale, to want than to be wanted. Just as it feels better to give love than to receive it, although a combination of the two is definitely preferable. I never doubt his love for me, of course; I only doubt his desire. I've come to terms with this, however, because of two things. 1. He has proven several times that his lack of desire for sex, as he says, truly has nothing to do with me. He simply has a much lower sex drive than me and this stems mostly from the fact that he's a workaholic and is always more focused on career than relationships. When he gets some time off, however, or when we go on vacation for a few days, his sex drive increases and nearly matches mine. So I know that it really is work that distracts him from his need for sex. 2. I've had relationships in the past that were more about sex, and they didn't make me happy. I dated one man, for example, for three years before I met my husband and we had oodles of sexual chemistry. That was about all we had, though. No intellectual connection whatsoever. He was filled with lust for me on a daily basis and never failed to let me know about it. I felt very desired. But my own sexual drive for him ultimately suffered because I couldn't talk to him about anything important to me. He was intellectually inept. I lost interest in sex with him because, while the sex was great, it was all he had to offer me. So, I'll take this relationship with my husband any day over something like that. We've been together for almost 3 years, and I still lust after him. He still turns me on. And this is a pretty big feat for me. I've never been able to maintain this level of sexual interest in a man for this long. I don't see any end to it either, and that probably has a lot to do with the fact that he isn't all over me all the time. He keeps me wanting. Sometimes the wanting hurts, but it's a good hurt. And the relief, when it comes is generally well worth the wait.
 
July 26, 2005, 12:50 pm CDT

thanks

Quote From: lilacmess

Direct your husband to this website, for one thing. Have him read the archives. Perhaps once he sees that you are not the only women who believes porn is cheating, he will begin to think differently about it. In my opinion, if his friends are encouraging him to visit strip clubs and even Hooters, he needs new friends . . . period. And you have every right as his wife and the mother of his children to put your foot down about friendships that are dangerous to your marriage. Honorable married men do not seek out opportunities to gawk at other women. Honorable married men save their lust for their wives. It might also be helpful to you to do some online research about the very real effects of pornography, especially internet porn. I am completing a second MA and just finished writing an academic paper about internet pornography. There is quite a bit of scientific evidence out there proving that pornography has the same type of effect on the brain as heroin or cocaine. Search under "The Science BehindPornography Addiction" and youshould be directed to a government study discussingthe issue. Keep in mind, alcoholics do not hang out at bars or liquor stores. You husband, if indeed heis addicted to pornography, hasno business eating at Hooters. Most importantly,the two of you need to establish some boundaries concerning porn, strip clubs, etc. Decide for yourself exactly what you can deal with and what you can't and be upfront with him. If he truly loves you and is an honorable man, he should have no problem eliminating all pornography and temptations to view pornography from his life. This may include giving up certain friendships.As I said, he should be willing to do this for you. You are his wife and you are supposed to be his number 1 priority. Good luck.

Thank you for the support too - I agree that he needs new friends - there is a remote chance that we may move back upstate again, and I do not want to go back there - ever.  That is where his "best" friend lives, the one who wanted him to go to a strip club the last time he was here.  Ever since we moved away I have felt like that I have my husband back.  He used to spend every Sunday playing golf, and every Thursday night at Happy Hour with this guy.  Did we have a regular date night? No.  I felt like that his friend got more quality time with my husband than I did.  We had just had a baby, and I was the "built-in" babysitter so that he could go out and have fun.  We've been away for almost 5 years, and I can't stand the thought of moving back and being closer to his friend.  I don't want to insult my husband, because I know he would take it that way, but I know I need to talk to him about it.  We definitely need to set boundaries.  I am trying to find moments that I can approach him when he will listen to me and actually hear what I have to say instead of having "knee-jerk" reaction of being defensive.  Thanks again for the support-

 
July 26, 2005, 12:54 pm CDT

Now I'm ticked

I just spent a lot of time on a post to send out and it got lost in cyber space. I'll have to think about if I want to take the time to redo it. 
 
July 26, 2005, 12:59 pm CDT

kelly

Quote From: kellyp

I am not a wife who lays in bed waiting for my husband. I often approach him to initiate (which he enjoys), but I have to request that he try to seduce me once in a while. I get tired of waiting around on him to initiate with me. When all of this (I found the porn and he admitted to masturbating to it)came down I had to ask him how he would feel if I went behind his back and masturbated to images of naked men. He said that he wouldn't like me to do that. He has told me many times that he does not ever want to share me - that means physically and emotionally or mentally. I feel the same way about him. I am ready to try new things - but it's hard todo thatwhen someone repeatedly and on purpose tries to decieve you. Doesn't make me want to rip my clothes off for him when I've caught him in a lie. Not a real big turn-on for me.

As mentioned before, it is very sad that porn has filtered down so much into our culture. We have a 5 year oldson and a daughter who isn't even one year old yet. I think about the kind of world that they are growing up in - and how kids are growing up so fast. I worry for them.

Let me give you some advice before you make the same mistake I did. Install a heavy-duty content filter on your computer right now. Don't wait. The average age of first exposure to internet pornography is 8 or 9. My 8-year-old daughter discovered online porn just a few months ago and we did have parental control software on our computer, but it wasn't enough. We suspect that my husband's 14-year-old son somehow molested it and that molestation resulted in my daughter getting a series of pop-ups while she was trying to get to her favorite kids' website. Trust me, you don't want your first discussion of sex with your son or daughter to have to include a discussion of oral sex, anal sex, and why teenage girls pose naked on the internet. Protect your children now. The filter might also discourage your husband from viewing pornography, especially when he considers what it would do to his kids to see it.
 
July 26, 2005, 1:05 pm CDT

what phil didn't say

the last portion of phil today was talking to a couple in which the women wasn't interested in sex. Phil didn't advice this young man to go look at porn. He didn't advice him to seek other women. He instead told them that they needed to work together in solving the issue. He didn't advice this man to live in a sexless marriage.....as a matter of fact he told them he didn't think that would be a good thing. But he also didn't tell this guy that he needed to find the next best thing to satisfy himself with.

 

The women in this he believed had some internal dialogue that needed to be changed. The women had a dialogue that told her that sex was bad and dirty. She wanted to change that dialogue. Now if a women doesn't want to change that dialogue....I would really question why the marriage continues. But I don't think porn is the answer that so many guys think that it is. It sure wasn't phil's advice!

 
July 26, 2005, 1:08 pm CDT

Donna

Something has happened to my picture. It's way too large now. I tried to resize but was unsuccessful. I even tried deleting but that too didn't work. If it's caught in your system a resize would be okay. 
 
July 26, 2005, 1:09 pm CDT

kelly

Quote From: kellyp

Thank you for the support too - I agree that he needs new friends - there is a remote chance that we may move backupstate again, and I do not want to go back there - ever. That is where his "best" friend lives, the one who wanted him to go to a strip club the last time he was here. Ever since we moved away I have felt like that I have my husband back. He used to spend every Sunday playing golf, and every Thursday night at Happy Hour with this guy. Didwe have a regular date night? No. I felt like that his friend got more quality time with my husband than I did. We had just had a baby, and I was the "built-in" babysitter so that he could go out and have fun. We've been away for almost 5 years, and I can't stand the thought of moving back and beingcloser to his friend. I don't want to insult my husband, because I know he would take it that way, but I know I need to talk to him about it. We definitely need to set boundaries. I am trying to find moments that I can approach him when he will listen to me and actually hear what I have to say instead of having"knee-jerk" reaction of being defensive. Thanks again for the support-

Write him a letter. I do this all the time. A letter gives him time to digest your thoughts and prepare his response; no more knee-jerk response. Give him the letter and then leave the house and go out with a girlfriend. A little space and time away from you will help him to be a bit more grown-up in his reaction.
 
July 26, 2005, 1:09 pm CDT

happy to help

Quote From: kellyp

thanks for the support - I am planning to seek some counseling for usso he can understandhow this has torn me apart emotionally. I used to feel so secure in my marriage - that I could trust him completely. That died the day I found all the porn. That wasn't the first "little white lie" he'd told me, but it was the last straw because it hit me so hard emotionally. Glad to know there is hope.
I am glad I could help. It is very sad that you are having to go through this. My daughter (19) and I were talking the other day. It troubled me so much that she has bought into the excuses that porn is just what guys do. I am sure as she gets older and gets in a committed relationship and matures with in the relationship.....she won't be so cavalier about it. I don't want her to stress herself about it....but I sure don't want her to think that she has to accept this is just how it is.
 
July 26, 2005, 1:16 pm CDT

can someone tell me why the changes

THIS NEW STYLE OF BOARD REALLY STINKS!

 

because

 

1. can't keep track very easily of the messages

 

2. the backspace button doesn't work in the message title

 

3. the type is too small and changing it in internet options doesn't work correctly

 

4. you can't go back and change a post after it post on the board

 

5. it takes forever for the messages to upload after you hit "post"

 

6. I have to sign in EVERY time....it doesn't hold my sign in like it is suppose to!

 

can anyone else think of any thing....oh yeah...Allinall is having problems with his picture....OH yeah...where did my picture go????

 
July 26, 2005, 1:19 pm CDT

Dr. Phil also didn't

Quote From: darcylove

the last portion of phil today was talking to a couple in which the women wasn't interested in sex. Phil didn't advice this young man to go look at porn. He didn't advice him to seek other women. He instead told them that they needed to work together in solving the issue. He didn't advice this man to live in a sexless marriage.....as a matter of fact he told them he didn't think that would be a good thing. But he also didn't tell this guy that he needed to find the next best thing to satisfy himself with.

The women in this he believed had some internal dialogue that needed to be changed. The women had a dialogue that told her that sex was bad and dirty. She wanted to change that dialogue. Now if a women doesn't want to change that dialogue....I would really question why the marriage continues. But I don't think porn is the answer that so many guys think that it is. It sure wasn't phil's advice!

explain to her how much she was hurting him and how what she was doing was damaging the relationship...the way he ALWAYS does with the men. He concentrated on how to make her feel better about herself and understand that it likely wasn't her fault so she could make the change. Had the man been the woman he would have said get out of the relationship...in no uncertain terms. He just rarely puts the same level of need to change on the women as he does the men.

Let's get very real. Dr. Phil does not hold women to as nearly high a standard of personal responsibility in how they affect the relationship as he does men. I respect Dr. Phil and his overall message. The fact just is that he needs to be a bit kinder (most of the time) to the women because that's his largest viewer base.
 
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