Topic : Pornography

   Hi j

I am simply reeling from your post. I didn't know this. I am so thankful we have no children in the home.     jljs

How do you suppose they will know what it is like to live a truly loving environment if you are going to harbor on this and he is going to repell? One thing I learned recently and it is great, is, communication if 90% non-verbal. Our actions and expressions and attitudes are reflected in not what we can see and hear but in what we feel. Some call it intuition, gut talk, higher power, and kids are people and they will feel it somehow. If you are not happy in your marriage, do you think your kids are not going to know this? If he is hiding secrets to keep you from being hurt, is he really hiding it to keep you from getting hurt or from hiding something he is ashamed of? Don't you think self shame is worse then what anyone can do to us??

Your children will feel everything. Just like you do. Having problems and differences of opinion is healthy and normal in any relationship. Committing to spend your life with them, raise children, and expect there to be no discrepancies is not normal. When something important comes up, porn use, intimacy issues, financial problems, they need to be discussed and worked on as a team because they are big and significant. When it comes to being adult and responsible, I really am thrown by the lack of caring and ability that some adults just don't possess. They are like little children still that still want their way all the time!!!!!! Life is precious and I don't know about you, but I want it to be as productive and good as possible. And when I have to leave this place I want to know I did the best for the rest and can rest in peace that I used this life to its fullest. When we are being lied to, even on subtle levels, and we don't know how to protect ourselves from harm, we first need to learn how to protect ourselves. Then we can be role models for others. If we live in fear, we are not learning our lessons but choose to keep running from the truth.

Humans are imperfect. We are all on different levels at different times in our lives. But when someone steps on our toes, and we say ouch, and they keep stepping on them, we can either move them away or remain and complain that they keep stepping on them, right? The same with lies. We keep living with lies and expect different results, is not real. To see what is and then really be able to see it, without judgement, without fear, without the need to run, without the need to replace that feeling with something else, then we can make the best decisions.

He has been away for almost a week, we tried to calmly discuss a few things last night - we seem to go in circles.  He can't understand why he does it, he's embarassed about it - but during the conversation he never once said he would stop or get help.  I too have the same feelings about NOT wanting it to be a part of our lives, and I won't.  At least that's one thing I have made a decision on. 

I miss our intimacy - BAD, it's been 3 weeks.  Living in our home together while decisions are being made will be very awkward (I'm not sure how to handle that yet) and the Holidays coming up will be even more difficult.  My daughter is pretty intuitive, she knows we're having problems but she doesn't know I'm considering leaving. Before his trip I told him to find another place to live, after last night's conversation - I'm not sure if he's still clear on that. 

Unfortunately, I have zero trust in him now (it feels like he's already cheated on me) and I feel his moving out will only strengthen that thought.  He's going to do what he wants to do whether at home or living apart, being apart will only give him more feedom to do it.  Does that make it an automatic end to our relationsfip after all these years?  Is this something that can ever be FIXED after so much secrecy, especially if I have him move out?  I'm at a loss, deeply depressed, and strangely having the feeling you get at a funeral.

I am so sorry you feel like you do and I am really sorry you are going through this. I would just like to make a comment on his "not understanding why he does this". He knows why he does it and he very possibly don't want to admit that he is embarrassed now only because he got busted and he knows how you feel. I don't know if he was embarrased before you knew, do you? Its good that he is feeling this way because it means he might be onto something and that something is his inability to stop. If he was really serious, he would have made an attempt to get help. Men don't go and get help unless they are forced to by the courts or by their wives.

It is a tough spot to be in being the women here. We know how and why they want to voyour and look at porn and we have to be like a parent or guide telling them how to treat women! When we are mothers, its one thing to try to bring up our sons in a respectful way, but when we get older, we would hope we didn't have to raise our husbands too, but that is exactly what it feels like. Men don't want to grow up some of them. And if that's the way they want to be, then they should be with girls that also fool around, cheat, lie and can't make a committment. If that is how they want to live and if that is how they want to be, then there are women out there that really don't give two craps, or have so little confidence left in men, in general, that they are able to blow it off.

Remember, this may be something that a lot of men do, but when a man finds a woman that he loves and wants to hold onto her, believe me, he will give up porn so fast because he knows what he is going to get in return blows porn way out of the water. Hang in there and let a man that knows how to treat a woman find you and treat you with the kind of love and respect you deserve.

Hi Seekingzen.

My 3 year-old-daughter found a rather sexy dvd my huband thought he had hidden well (she just went straight to this drawer and opened it - hehe - thank you God!).  I was furious.  Years before, ny 11-year-old found that someone had been on a porn site.  It was hard trying to come up with cover up excuses for that one.  I think she knew my husband had been on it.  What an idiot.  He last thing I want is my kids finding that stuff. 

My husband at least was reasonably straight up and answered my questions about the vid, he'd been watching movies for sex scenes and had even got out a porn (a first for him).  I was so hurt.  He has sexual difficulties, and I have been trying to get him to work through a programme with me so he can get it sorted, but he keeps making excuses.  So when I found the porn I was so mad at him - that's not how you sort out difficulties. 

I remember I went through a time when I was really struggling with my thought life and wanting to watch porn too (not that I ever have), and it wasn't until I worked through some issues that the whole raging desire was broken.  It was a really weird time.  Sometimes when there is brokenness in areas of your life, the symptoms come out in different ways.  I think watching porn is one.  Luckily, I have married friends who had been through the same problem and were good enough to be open about it with us.  If you have kids, I really believe it is best to try and sort it out - divorce sucks.  But if you are going to work it out, don't use it as dirty laundry in fights.  If you are a Christian, there are great programmes such as 'Living waters' that deal with sexual issues including lust, misogyny, homosexuality, porn, all sorts.  Awesome stuff if you're not afraid to face your ugly side!

Is it an ugly side? I think that is a lot of what creates a problem to begin with! A person looking at porn is not dirty but caught up in lust and dissatisfaction. It doesn' t make it easier to deal with, but if you really think about it, he is not doing this to make you/us suffer but its in the attachment we have towards sex and then its that attitude projected onto them/men. Having affairs, lusting, emotional and physical longing, is  in their lives because they need it; or at least they believe they do. We all need things in our lives and it is not good that it makes us feel so bad. I am on the fence with porn because it truly is not porn that ruins relationships, people do.

If you remove the porn, you still got the person that looked at porn . How many times in a day do you truly do something because you think it is going to hurt someone????? I would guess not too many. What makes you/us think they look at porn because they want to hurt us? Their porn use is not about us yet we put ourselves in the place that we are now not as special as we thought. 

Now, the thing is, we need to know what we want in our lives and then we need to go out an work at it. Our goal has to be go after what is important to us. Do I want porn to be so important ? Do I want to spend more time suffering because people like porn? Because people lie? Because people do stupid things? We are all capable of lusting, lying and doing stupid things.

If a person smokes, eventually it will do harm. If a person does not excercise, they will get fat. Everything we do has a consequence; a flip side. Good/bad, ugly/pretty, happy/sad, scared/confident.  We can't expect everything to be good all the time; or bad all the time. But we can have expectations of how we want it to be and when it isn't we get bent out of shape and start looking for ways to ease the longing or discomfort.

Instead of taking care of myself, I chose to judge him and make him the reason I was not happy when all along, if I am not happy, do something about it don't stay and expect different results with the same person/situation. An apple is an apple; can't make it into a orange.  But I could either be greatful for the apple but if I know I definately do not want an apple, being mad at the apple for being an apple is crazy.

Thats what we do with people. We get mad when they are not how we want them to be but if they were, would we really be happy? There will always be bad/good. etc. Now that I understand a persons need for porn is suffering, even though it still annoys me and hits a nerve, I feel compassion for that person because there is no way that is going to take the place of true sexual intimacy and if a person is content with that, then there is also frustration.

I also think that people that are not able to listen when someone is saying something at a heart level, they do not hear them and cannot take this person as also a special being and to know something is distubing to someone, whether you think it is right or wrong, is not good because now even though you are NOT responsible for their happiness, it is important that the men leave these women if they are not going to be able to discuss it with compassion and love.

For anyone who has been reading/replying to my posts.............here's the latest.

This has been what may be the longest week of my life.  It is now Sunday.  Ever saw the movie Groundhogs Day?  That's what this all feels like?  Just the same day over and over.............

My husband went and talked to a deacon and his wife from our church.  That almost sounds stupid, our church.  Church and porn and hurt and lies and deceit all in the same post.  He says this is it, he's a changed man and he's not going to look at it anymore.  Is it that easy?  Is just telling other people that you do it enough to make you stop?  Now he sees how much it has hurt me, but for the past 11 years I have just been blowing smoke!!??  I don't understand that and as much as I want to believe him, I don't.

For now I am staying.  And wondering why.  I want to work on our marriage, but at the same time, is it a marriage?  I take on 95% of the responsiblities around here.  I'm the bread winner, I'm the bill payer, I'm the one who makes the dr's appointments for the kids, I'm the one who does everything.  I'm not trying to make it look like I am superwoman, because even though I do all of those things, I don't always do them right or on time.  I feel like I don't even know my husband.  I thought he was father of the year, until I started checking the times on the internet sites!!  If the kids hadn't just been left at the babysitters, they were here, while he did it.  He's a teacher, so he had all summer with them, or so I thought!!  I would love to spend a summer with my kids, but I have to work.  I guess it will take time to heal these wounds or to at least make them go numb, which ever comes first.

There is such a thing as jealousy in marriages, you know? I know, I was definately feeling out of sorts when it looked like he had everything going for him, porn, sex, good food, friends, money, social ties, family, material gains, and it pissed me off. But I think I was mad that he was managing his life and mine seemed to be going down the tubes!!! I spent what I see now as way too much time on this or better yet, allowed it to keep me down and helpless. But now I am mad and mad is good.......because I am ready to stop living holding onto what other people do and more focus is now on me and how I can affect our world and my life. His porn use is pretty trivial if you think about it.

Its how everything else is too. I would give him another chance. I mean you are not going to be going anywhere immediately, right? So, just wait and see. If he is still into it, you will soon find out, right?