Topic : Pornography

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and I knew about the porn from the start. I used to enjoy it with him  but for different reasons it has caused problems in our relationship. I have asked him to stop and he said he will but I still have found that he is still doing it. The issue has caused great strain on our relationship and I can not hardly stand to be with him. I keep saying I am going to leave but I am still here.  What should I do?  It hurts to leave and it hurts to stay.

Hello and welcome. You see, what happens is when we accept a certain activity or behavior in someone, it does not mean we are not going to change our opinions later on. When you were enjoying the benefits of porn with him, everything was good, right? Well, for your own reasons, you now feel it is no longer productive to a long term, committed relationship and you want more substance from him, and what is happening? He is not meeting your expectations. So now you are disappointed, right?

 

It is really really sad when two people decide to become intimate with each other, be in a committed relationship together, but refuse to grow up and be responsbile and mature enough to handle the responsible that is necessary to be is a grown up relationship. I am sorry you are going through this but I have been married for 6 years now and my husband never once attempted to stop looking at porn. About 6 months ago was the last time we had sex. I have tried to discuss things with him many many times, it has evidently fallen on deaf ears. Your guy might never stop looking at porn. If he decides to keep doing it, will you be able to feeling loving and affectionate towards him? If not, you are better off if you leave now. At two years, I should have left but didn't now I am in exactly the same place only 6 years older. Good luck.

I so feel for everyone dealing with this. It is so painful. My deceased husband (we were married over 20 years) was "in" to porn. It started way back before there were PC's in everyone's home. He would hide magazines in the trunk of the car and then say he had to go do something, and would drive to a gas station with an outside bathroom...where he could be alone with his magazines. I fought this tooth and nail..and thought I had won the battle. I hadn't. Our own sex life deteriorated to the point of "functionality" only. It's hard to be intimate with a man who expects/wants you to be like the girls in the movies and books. I'm certainly no prude, but I wasn't wanting to be "on show" all the time, either. There was a loss of intimacy.....

I knew I was bested when, while returning from a visit to family out of state (my "husband" elected to stay home), we returned home and the first thing my 9yo son did was get on the computer. Imagine my surprise when he asks "hey, what's a 'bushy cunts.com'??" Here we went again..the tears...the recriminations.

I finally left him for good...and three years after we split, I started living again. When I say "deceased husband"...we were married in name only by the time he died. I never divorced him, and he *wouldn't* divorce me. Maintained all he wanted was his family to the end. I didn't leave him b/c of porn, I left him b/c he decided he wanted to become an intravenous drug addict 12 years into our marriage. Took me 8 years to figure out that *I* wasn't going to be the one to "save" him. And he never saved himself.

Today...I'm with a man that's unbelievably good. I've heard protests that "all men look at porn", and that simply isn't true. There are men who prefer the intimacy of lovemaking. I count myself fortunate now to have one..........

I wish the best to all who are dealing with this difficult situation. My hope is that all men who are truly addicted will recognize and seek help for what *I* consider to be a huge problem. This causes unbearable pain and heartache to the woman who's cast aside in favor of an image. My hope is that the pain will leave, and happiness will replace the ugly feelings.

I am sorry you had to go through all that and I am really sorry your child was put into such an odd position. I hope things went ok after that and the poor thing wasn't traumitized. Adults seem to have short term memory when it comes to shielding children from sexual material. They are just too young to understand and it can it can have very serious consequences. It is quite disgusting how some adults just don't think its imporant to protect their children from this type of material.

 

I think a lot of women, I know myself included, feel like a prude and come across as insecure because they get upset when their men are into porn, but, as you said, this is something that men feed off of...They know by now that they can use the lame excuse "grow up-be mature-come on, get over it" type of comments are what keep women in their place and then the woman is left feeling like the dysfunctional one for complaining. When all along, men, even if they have looked at the stuff all their lives, know most women are not going to be ok with it. But they continue to do it and then blame us for being upset about it. Its a game and its a game I personally have no time for.

 

My husband has used porn as a sexual outlet since I know him (6 years) and despite my threats to leave, suggested therapy, change in routine to get us acquainted to each other, have failed. And why? Because he does not want to put the effort into sex with me because he feels it is my job to have sex with him and because I am woman, I am suppose to cater to him, his family and friends. I find it rather scarey that in this day and age, 2006, my gosh, there are men out there that still think a woman is his slave.

i have been in my relationship with my fiance for 2 and a half years and i knew about the porn from the beginning as well. At the beginning it was something that we both enjoyed together and then i got pregnant, ever since then our sex life has been on the decline and the porn usage has been on the rise. I finally got tired of the porn videos so i threw them away. Much to my surprise he picked one out of the trash and kept it. well one night when we were having sex  after i had reached my climax and he hadn't  he pulled it out and proceeded to masturbate. I got very upset. So when he was done i broke it into a million pieces and threw it in the trash. I thought that was the end to the porn, Boy was i wrong. I was going to delete the cookies on MY computer and i noticed that he had some cookies on there so i went in and looked at the things he had been looking at, i have to mention i have to delete cookies one at a time, i found all sorts of porn on there. Since i had our daughter i haven't lost any of the baby weight and she is now 16 months old, so i am very self conscious about my body. When we have sex it literally only takes 3 minutes for him to ejaculate and i am left lying on the bed wondering why. We have been in many fights about the subject because it only takes 3 minutes when we have sex but if he is watching porn it takes up to 4 hours before he is done, I try to tell him  how it is making me feel and that it is wearing what little self esteem i have left  to the ground. What am i supposed to do about this? he is a grown man and who am i to treat him like a little boy? I am just grateful that it is porn instead of other women. but how do i get my point across to him?

From what I am picking up in you is that you don't feel quite sexual right now and that has to be frustrating and depressing you too. So, make a plan to keep working on your self esteem by working out if you can, eat a proper nutritous diet and get as much rest as you can. Even if you are not sleeping, just give yourself the time to breath life in and let out all your love. The more love we give out, the more surrounded we are by it!!!! Try it, it really works!

 

It does not seem like your guy is going to stop and some of them don't. It is what it is and you got to call it what it is. It is a man that is into porn and is not going to give it up; not for no-one. If you keep looking for clues that he is using porn, that he is lieing to you, if you need more proof, then keep playing detective and see how long you can keep it up before you go completely insane!!!!!!! Thats what this does. It can drive a person to start questioning everything they feel, do and think. Women lose their sense of self when they spend good time trying to prove to themselves that they are right......their men are sluts!!!! Why do we need to prove this?

 

If men will be men and they don't want to give undivided attention to their women, then, unfortunately, they will get exactly what they are giving.....a fantasy sex partner. He will one day wonder how he managed to give up true intimacy for some sexy females that are only in his head, not in his heart. Thats what I feel bad for. I feel sorry for my husband, even though I am pissed, I still feel sorry that he is so caught up in porn that he doesn't even see how much he is sacrificing. I hope he finds his happiness one day, but more importantly, I am on the road again.......searching for mine. I hope you also find the strength one day to feel that you do count!!!!!!!!

 

 

 Because in the past there has been much talk here about how women porn stars are in real life and how they are treated in the business, tomorrow, Friday Nov. 17, 2006 there will be (women) porn stars talking about them and the business on the Keith Ablow show...NBC. Check your local times and stations if interested. I have no pre-knowledge of what this show will divulge. I only know it will be on tomorrow.

I'm not in the US, so I'd appreciate a brief summary of it from yourself, AIA. Also, if some of the anti-porn posters would like to do the same, I think it would be interesting; I'm willing to wager that there will be two completely different versions of the same program.

 I'll take the time and watch it then.

  Hi mf

I have been out of town for almost a week. I think its a good thing that your husband went to talk to someone. It may or may not be enough but it is a start. Recognizing and admitting there is a problem is a very big step.

  You said in another post that to some degree you let this happen and I did too. I think I know what you mean. Because I didn't stand firm on my boundaries and beliefs 100 per cent of the time I let in some of the hurt. There were times I got a little wishy washy in myself, questioning myself and wondering if I was over reacting. But because we are hurting and our self esteem is being trampled on it is a normal reaction - as long as it is short lived.  I had to give my head a shake and remember that I am who I am because of my beliefs and boundaries.

   You are right, it will all take time. Trust and healing are worth the effort and the work.     jljs