Topic : Pornography

HUH?

I'm sorry, but I think some of the biggest problems in this world today are caused by giving people the freedom to be whatever they want to be and do whatever they want to do.  And I think that this "tide" is what is pulling this country under and we damn sure better fight it.

 

We can't fight them all and if something is that important to someone, then, yes, fighting for it to be different might help change it. Look at what happened during this years' elections?! But I spent close to 5 long years fighting porn issues with my husband and they are still here and they are not going to go away. I do not want to fight the porn industry or my husbands adamant obvious want and need to have it in his life. It does no good to fight against something when the other side is passive.

 

We have in the US always had these freedoms and porn will never go away. Never. Lust and greed and jealousy are for those that are not satisfied or content. There is no way I can expect to be the reason someone becomes otherwise. It is within themselves to want it to be different. Men and the women that advocate porn are driving themselves into a nice little corner with false living but if that is what they want then we cannot stop them. Only when they see it doesn't work anymore, and hit their bottom, will they change. I do not expect to change anyone and only through my actions will I be able to attract followers that want what I have obtained. And that is the ability to remain awake in every situation and think before I make a decision to act.

 

Porn, sex, all the other stuff, are conscious choices that people make whether to do it or not. I have my own battles and things to change within myself first, before I can start working on someone elses battles and imperfections. It sounds crazy I know but it is the only way around what I call "life".

In time, you will find someone else that has no need to expose you to some other guys sexual perversions. Its one thing to "fantasize" but another to actually plan it, which is what he did, whether you want to accept that or not. He is a selfish lover and wants what he wants. Go out and find a guy in your age range and not only will he not want to share you with some hoe, but will be able to keep you satisfied so that you have no desire to go elsewhere. If you left him, stay away, move on, leave the old creep in the dust. Amen.

And that's the part of all this that YOU deny or at least refuse to acknowledge......this response (without responding literally) is typical.  It's defense.  Defense of you being tolerable of your own actions and what you do....but then expect someone else to treat you differently than you treat yourself or them.   I started this after reading about how you just "fell victim to curiosity" and had to seek out porn yourself.  Just as you "fell victim" to the desire to BE desired and had an affair, ,....and though that's forgotten and forgiven ....YOU do not offer that same understanding to someone who falls victim to being addicted to porn...or even offer the understanding how you may even perpectuate that very obsession by your own actions inside your marriage.  Is that "blaming you"....heck no.  What's it's doing is saying that you cannot expect something more out of the person you love than you do yourself.

 

You cannot call something one thing when you do it....and a totally different thing when you do it.  There is no difference.  You made excuses....simple.   The same exact thing the person you married makes.   No....it does not make anyone a "low life".....what it makes people who will do anything to get or keep someone, even if that thing they do is totally against everything they believe is right and just....is immature.  Someone who has no confidence that by sticking by their beliefs and morals they instead go with that "flow" you speak about and find themselves up against the wall....constantly doing what they "say" they don't believe is good or right....but do it anyway simply because the "majority" of their relationship is based souly on doing what they other person (or people) say is the "thing" to do.  Even at their own destruction.   So basically those will suffer in the end, because eventually, as you have seen, the reality of who you are will shine through....and then you can "blame" that person who doesn't accept you or understand your change of mind.....when in the beginning you showed them a totally different person than you ever really were.  Who's at fault......seems to be the only thing that matters here.  And then who gets to play the martyr forever?

 

Luv~

You cannot call something one thing when you do it....and a totally different thing when you

do it.

 

Should have said.....You cannot call something one thing when you do it....and then call it something totally different (or wrong) when you decide you don't want to do it. 

 

In otherwords Kimi,......your reasons (to him) mean nothing as far as something being destructive or "wrong" with porn inside your marriage.  And plz remember if he is an addict, he doesn't admit that....so what he knows is real about you is nothing different to him than what you are willing to do.   In his eyes you are just as "in favor" of porn as he is....hence, his confusion for the last 5 years as to why "suddenly" there is a problem with porn....which is reached it's ultimate "high" due to him having no sex life with his wife anyway....so what does it hurt now???? (That's HIS frame of thinking anyway)    Because when the time "suits you" and your need....porn is fine and dandy.  You've said that porn is "like cheating"....and yet cheating is ok when you need to do it.  

 

Luv~

First of all, when I responded earlier I made an assumption about other people's opinions which I shouldn't have made and I apologize for that. In particular, it's obvious to me that it's the sexual fantasies in our brains that are the driving force behind our sexual behavior, whether it's looking at porn or acting out the fantasies in real life. In turn, what we see in porn and experience in real life gets embedded back into our brains. After thinking about this further, I can see how others might not agree with my view. In any event, I expressed myself poorly. Now, back to the real topic here, you had asked "Can he be trusted?". I was trying to say that he can't be trusted because once a man gets sexual fantasies inside his brain those fantasies never leave and are the driving force behind his behavior. Multiple sexual partners are very common in porn. Clearly your boyfriend is determined to act out his multiple partner fantasies with or without your consent and even with or without you. My point was that although he might seem repentant now and not talk about this for a while, he won't ever actually let go of wanting to have multiple partner sex. And I completely agree with what kimikomine said.

I haven't been here in recent days and there just is too many posts to go back through.......but I thought I would just say hey. See luv posted.....Happy belated Thanksgiving to you.

 

Kimi....sorry haven't email lately. ...kinda got crazy here for a few days.

 

Bae....where have you been....drop me an email.

I would think a fantasy is not something that necessarily needs to be lived out, although it most likely would be nice. I also believe a lot of fantasies come from "the forbidden" territory and the more something has to be obtained "on the sneak" or "go out of the way for it" the more tantalizing it becomes. Fantasy after all is what could be, right? I mean, a husband might not fantasize about being with his wife because he has already done that and knows what to expect. Its curiousity thrown in with forbidden that makes something more desirable, right?

 

I would think the best way to eliminate a fantasy is to go through with it instead of just thinking about it. Some people think threesomes are so taboo that it could never happen to them which is why they dwell in the fantasy......if they just had the darn threesome, even a few times if thats what is needed for the experience, just do it...........then the drive won't be so strong and the fantasy is no longer a fantasy but reality and they can go on with their lives. The problem with that is when two people are involved, one person might not like the fact that their s/o wants to explore this and get upset with them and hurt.

 

That's why its good to do these things when solo so as not to drag other people through your fantasies. Live them and then a person can move on and have a relationship not based on need and fantasy but experience and wisdom. I also think a lot of people really "don't" want the fantasy to come to reality because then what? Life would be boring.......sex.....not as exciting. Porn keeps sex interesting to people because they can live in a world of "what ifs" creating a sense of excitement where there is a void, a boredom.

 

I think it is safe to say that when we see or think of someone or something that triggers a sexual or intimate feeling, it is there for us to see what we lack or need in our lives. Once the sexual feeling passes, that thing is usually not in our minds, until the next time. With porn and lust for some its not a past time but something that they depend on for sexual stimulation and intimacy. This is a relationship. It doesn't have to be a real person, porn has the attention that a lover would and this is what offends most women. They/I get upset that porn is able to take the place of us, of what we got to offer, and it is difficult to be compassionate sexually with someone that is sexual with someone/something else.

 

 

I know there's a common view of what a sexual fantasy is, but my view is different. That's why I posted my followup message after I realized I hadn't explained myself well. So responding to your message, as I see it as a porn addict, (1) I agree that fantasies don't have to be acted out and clearly those that would endanger someone such as unprotected sex should never be acted out. (2) Sexual fantasies are the driving force. You wrote "Once the sexual feeling passes, that thing is usually not in our minds, until the next time." But for sex addicts it's never out of our minds. (3) When fantasies are acted out, they become stronger instead of weaker. You wrote "just do it then the drive won't be so strong and the fantasy is no longer a fantasy but reality and they can go on with their lives" Maybe that's true for normal people, but it's not true for sex addicts. Sex addicts re-live the experiences over and over in our minds and fantasize about going even further the next time. kimikomine, to me there is no right or wrong answer here. You see things one way and I see things differently, based on who we are. And this just highlights more of the differences between a sex/porn addict and someone who is not.

I apologize for my ignorance. I now understand that a sex addict does not merely just "fantasize" but it is a driving force. Like drugs, right? A person that tries heroin might do it for one time "just to see" but if they like it and it brings a level of escape from the feelings, life, whatever is going on, they will do again. So in fact, if a person wants to just try it, then it is a one time deal vs. a person that does it one time, does it twice, three and four times, until its no longer a fantasy but a reality. So a sex addict would not be satisfied with a threesome one time.....I never thought of it that way.

 

Wow. I am sorry you are going through this. I was once addicted to drugs and I know how difficult it is to stop. I will keep you in my prayers and thank you for explaining in more detail. Kimi