Topic : Pornography

well i have completely taken him off of the computer so now if he wants to get online then he has to go through me and my account is password protected and i change it every other week. our sex life is slowly but surly getting back to where it was before. but i am sure he will have a relapse. he has admitted that he is addicted to porn. He can't control himself. I am only the 3rd sexual partner he has ever had. and the longest to boot. and for so long porn is how he satisfied his sexual tension. I know it is wrong for me to expect him to just quit high and dry but at least now i am seeing a change in our sex life. I am getting more for longer amounts of time. i know that yall really don't want to hear about this but i just had to get it out. There is a sex life after porn. well that is all for tonight i am going to go to bed now. good night and god bless.

You hit on a very good point. I notice that since my husband uses porn a lot, even when we were having sex, the amount of time we actually did it was not very long. 15 minutes or so. Also he was not into foreplay at all which I found very disturbing since he can watch porn for a hour and do it a few times, look for a while, do it again, but when he was with me, no foreplay, and a quickie sort of. Of course he thought it was amazing that I was able to achieve an orgasm so fast which to him meant I was done.....oh well. Yep. Porn didn't dement his mind, nope, not at all!

 

Being the understanding person I am, I just thought he was squirmish and not experienced so I accepted his lack of say, interest. But what it truly seems now, looking back in hindsight, he likes porn better then real sex, but wants real sex once in a while just to keep the feeling fresh in his mind, and maybe to make him think he is satisfying me and me and being a good husband.

 

It is really sad that so many men fall victim to the porn world and dont' understand why their sex lives are dwindling to a mere trickle. And it is equally as sad that women are now not only dealing with pressures from working very hard during the day, obtaining careers and degrees, raising families, and they can't even come home and expect a good romp in the hay! Our mindset is so set to quick release it just doesn't seem anyone really wants to take the time to get to know someone intimately, be intimate with them and enjoy the beauty and wonderfulness of the human relationship.

 

Hope your rest was peaceful. Kimi

 It sounded so much to me like you were a parent talking about their child until it got to where you said he has only had two other sexual partners.

I think it's great that you like getting more and for longer amounts. I sternly believe that porn is a poor replacement for an active sex life. And that you want and active and vibrant sex life too is a good thing. Unfortunately, there are those who must resort to the less than ideal to get what they want. Also there are people who mutually agree and use porn for a spice up, extra turn-on, why ever they use it. No matter how much some want to jump up and down and rant that no sex is better than porn sex. There are women out there that enjoy porn and men who despise it.

Don't be so pessimistic about your success. Enjoy the success and work toward it being lasting.

That being said, I don't know if you are married to him or not. If you are not married and he won't continue his abstinance (from porn) you should probably leave him and move on. Don't marry him until your distrust has be completely eliminated.

Good luck to you.

 Lets try a different way of getting this point across. The majority consensus here is that men who use porn, for whatever reason, are turning outside the marriage regardless of their reason(s). Even if he is not, or believes he is not, getting sexually what he needs from the marriage. Ergo he is cheating on his wife. If he believes he is not getting what he desires sexually it is his responsibility to discover and correct whatever reason she has for being sexually disconnected without cheating on her by turning to porn. And, if he can not turn her around he is better to divorce her and find someone else to supply his sexual needs, rather than turn to porn thereby cheating on his herr...It is his choice for turning to porn and has no right to "blame" or "use her as an excuse" for his failing(s)...be man enough and not turn to porn...that no sex at all in the marriage is better than porn sex in the marriage.

Men get just as hurt by women not wanting to meet his sexual needs as women do from him getting his sexual needs met from porn. He is just as cheated on by her turning away from the sexual side of the marriage. He also gets hurt when it appears her opinion of the marriage is only to get met what she can not or does not want to have to meet for herself. For numerous possible reasons he can feel no longer attracted to her sexually because of her actions, inactions or other situations not connected to sex. Just as women can become no longer "into him" being the reason she has seperated herself from the sexual prt of the marriage.

That being said, who is responsible for correcting the situation of him no longer "being into her" sexually for "whatever reason(s)" he has? At this point let's refrain from saying it's both their responsibility, which it is, and keep on the established track of what has been said sooo many times before, that when she is disconnected from the marraige sexually it is his responsibility to discover why and do whatever is necessary to correct that. It is ludicrous to try and say both are responsible to correct when one alone refuses to own any part they have in the problem. And how is it any more her responsibility to discover why and correct it, than it is his responsibility to discover why and correct it when one is anchored in whatever problem the other percieves is their's?

It's really a shame that we have not had women come here to say she is or has become sexually disconnected and turned to porn or other forms of sexual satifaction because she is just no longer "into him", for reason(s) such as he has gotten out of shape or whatever other reason(s). I would like to see how those discussions would go.

I was getting my needs sexually satisfied and found other ways to get them fulfilled. 

I was definately NOT getting my needs met and sought other methods. Phew. Ouch. That hurt.  I wish I WAS getting my needs met so that I didn't have to go outside the marriage. It makes life much easier when you don't have to lie and hide about how you are getting your sexual needs met.

 Your responce still doesn't address what I was asking though. Did you get what I meant?

You think most of us think that men that use porn are turning outside the  marriage - even if the sex was not being supplied by the women? I don't think using porn is the answer to getting your sexual needs met if she is not into you. Because it does not seem to be enough for most men and they complain porn is not enough and get hurt that their wives don't want to be with them, right? But yet she blames him for cheating on her when he does this?! It is his responsibilty, if he wants, to figure out why she is not interested in him, he could ask her, right?

 

When she gives him the answer then he make a judgement call  on whether he thinks he should stay in his marriage or not. If she says its because of porn, then he can stop using it and he will have sex with her.  It is always OUR choice what we do, always. We cannot blame someone else for our actions, We can use their differences as excuses to justify them but we cannot blame them for our actual actions.

 

I cannot blame my husband for my cheating on him just like he cannot blame me for his porn use. We made choices, continue to make choices, every second of the day as to what our worlds will consist of, don't you think?

 

If he feels cheated because he is not getting his sex from her, he needs to tell her he feels cheated.If he feels she is using him, he has to say that and then he has to see how she answers. I wish I didn't understand when you say about losing interest sexually because of the "tude". No one wants to be with a cold duck; an ungreatful b*&^% or an old fashioned bas&^%^!  I would think the person that is doing most of the struggling, suffering would have to be the one to make the changes because obviously that other person does not think there is anything wrong to begin with!

 

When a man is no longer into her sexually, I think it is his responsibility to tell her this so that she can make plans, other choices, decisions for herself as to whether she wants to be married to a man that is not interested in her. As much as it is the the womans' to tell her man why she is no longer sexually interested in him so that he can make better choices for himself. This makes the most sense to me.

 

I have told my husband I cannot have sex with him because it does not feel good or safe or right. His response is basically "eh. Thats too bad, get over it".

 

 

 

 you got it.

Here's where I have my problem. If one, or the other, simply responds to the question of why they are not interested in sex is because they are just not into them, the one "just not interested" has no complaint if the other uses porn, or anything else for that matter. Sad but true.

The person not interested though is supposed to enough of a grownup to want to find out the why and do whatever is possible for them to correct it. NOT the responsibility of the one being left out.

I believe in the "old fashion" way of divorce when loss of "intimacy" was a legitimate cause for divorce and it reduced the what the other walked away with. The one causing the need for divorce was not allowed an equal split.

I learned a long time ago that you can not force another person to change anything unless they are willing, notice I said willing, to discover and own their contribution to the marital strife. Ya can't even force another to open their eyes to what they don't want to see.

I don't agree with your having an affair with your husband. Still there is no way I would defend him because, though you did what you did out of your own choice, he's the one that caused you to cheat. I will not be agreed with on this and I really don't care. You can puch another to do what they would not normally do because we have an inborn need for survival. And survival covers even our happiness. Even though you did it, I place the vast majority of blame on him. Still not leaving you totally off the hook. Just mostly. I hope you understand I am just using you as an example of what I mean overall. Please don't take it that I'm passing judgement on you. Frankly I don't blame you. I would blame him if everything you have said is totally honest. Again, just an example.

 And again I hope you won't take this as pointing at you. I mean this as my opinion in the overll sense of  it. I still don't fully get how the porn thing can affect some people the way it does...Unless, it causes the user to ignore, reject or cause them to push the other into something they want to do that is unsafe and/or unhealthy. It's still not the same as going out and having a flesh and blood affair. It just isn't. No one has ever gotten a desease and passed it on to an unsuspecting, gotten pregnant or someone preganant from porn. I get that it does affect them, I just think the extent that it is to some is excessive. Too much so for the relationship and the ones who's so upset on a personal level.