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Topic : Pornography

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:18:48 pm
Author : dataimport

Good or bad, does porn play a part in your life? Talk about it here.


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lilliesmommie
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December 9, 2006, 5:53 pm PST

thats just great

Quote From: stevepage

All of this is purely subjective and based upon opinion, not fact. I don't lie, I don't sneak and I don't hide, regarding my use of porn, nor have I ever. I've never had any complaints about my ability to provide for my wife, sexually - if anything, it's the other way around. However, I don't hold it against my wife - her job is physically demanding, she's had problems with illness in the past and her sex drive has always been lower than mine - therefore, I don't take it personally. I find an outlet for my sexual tension instead, which she is quite happy for me to do. She doesn't think any less of me for it either.

My wife was aware of my porn use before we even started seeing each other - we were friends first - so it hasn't changed the relationship. Ergo, there is no negative impact from it, and no deceit.


It seems that how destructive porn is to a relationship is dependent upon how destructive those in the relationship want it to be.

maybe your wife should be nominated for wife of the year too. I'm sorry but you have to put yourself into someone elses shoes for a moment. Take me for instance I knew about my husbands porn addiction before we got together and at first is was a thrill but after i got pregnant my husband withdrew from me and yes he lied, he would sneak around and he would hide, heck he even went so far as to lock me out of our bedroom for 4 hours while masterbated to the porn. I am Not by any means a prude and i will give it up to him even when i am sick if that is what he wants. my daughter is 17 months old  and this has been going on up until i threw out all of the porn in the house and took his account off of the computer and made my password protected. He has been doing better and our sex life is progressing to what it was before baby.

 

It all depends on the spouses of the porn users and their ability to handle what our guys/girls are doing. Me for one I put my foot down and stopped it. That might not work for others but it has worked for me.

 

and that last line in your qoute "It seems that how destructive porn is to a relationship is dependent upon how destructive those in the relationship want it to be."

I didn't want it to be destructive but my husband is an addict and he couldn't stop as long as it was in front of him. Now i get all the pleasure. and our relationship has gotten better because of it
 
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lilliesmommie
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December 9, 2006, 5:57 pm PST

good point

Quote From: luvmiman1

Everything that began with how we were raised all the way thru what we experience forms us, changes us, and makes us who we become.   All the way back to how our Dad's and Moms spoke to us...to our first kiss...to our first experiences with sex .  So in knowing that....it's fairly unreasonable to just expect anyone, male or female, to understand us completely as individuals...because their opinions and thoughts also come from how they were molded.  The words we speak also have a great impact on those around us.   Bruises disappear, fade and heal....words don't go away or can even be apologized away.    The damage is perminent in many cases.    Sure there is forgiveness....but the memories are still there.    Women see a lot in others, specifically men and they have little "words" to hear when it comes to a man's feelings.....so his ACTIONS often speak loudly about his personality, his deep feelings and his emotions also shine through.....

 

So also in knowing that......words can mean a lot or a little....but actions of a man means something.  And perhaps this is where the act of seeking sexual gradification elsewhere becomes to damaging to women....specifically those who love these men.   After all.....in the beginning his sexual desires were for her....and then porn comes along and those needs are not so much for her anymore....but she becomes often secondary to what she sees she is NOT for him anymore.   

 

Understanding that is yes very difficult.   Seeing the actions of a man the woman loves deeply is often telling enough.   Or at least to her it is.  She is an emotional  creature for good reasons.....GOD made her this way in order to keep peace and keep the men from killing their young by being able to explain the nature of children to the "beast"...lol.   Without that loving emotional nature she has.....men do not become healthy men either.    At the same time GOD also created men in a very specific and special way.....and that is determined by no mistake.   It's a balancing act through out life....but God made no mistakes in either of us.  What happened is that we stopped seeing those GIFTS in our partners as GIFTS.....but instead judging them as faults.   

 

Luv

thank you  you said it. i wish it would have come out of my head that way
 
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allinall
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December 9, 2006, 8:50 pm PST

Very vailid points

Quote From: luvmiman1

Everything that began with how we were raised all the way thru what we experience forms us, changes us, and makes us who we become.   All the way back to how our Dad's and Moms spoke to us...to our first kiss...to our first experiences with sex .  So in knowing that....it's fairly unreasonable to just expect anyone, male or female, to understand us completely as individuals...because their opinions and thoughts also come from how they were molded.  The words we speak also have a great impact on those around us.   Bruises disappear, fade and heal....words don't go away or can even be apologized away.    The damage is perminent in many cases.    Sure there is forgiveness....but the memories are still there.    Women see a lot in others, specifically men and they have little "words" to hear when it comes to a man's feelings.....so his ACTIONS often speak loudly about his personality, his deep feelings and his emotions also shine through.....

 

So also in knowing that......words can mean a lot or a little....but actions of a man means something.  And perhaps this is where the act of seeking sexual gradification elsewhere becomes to damaging to women....specifically those who love these men.   After all.....in the beginning his sexual desires were for her....and then porn comes along and those needs are not so much for her anymore....but she becomes often secondary to what she sees she is NOT for him anymore.   

 

Understanding that is yes very difficult.   Seeing the actions of a man the woman loves deeply is often telling enough.   Or at least to her it is.  She is an emotional  creature for good reasons.....GOD made her this way in order to keep peace and keep the men from killing their young by being able to explain the nature of children to the "beast"...lol.   Without that loving emotional nature she has.....men do not become healthy men either.    At the same time GOD also created men in a very specific and special way.....and that is determined by no mistake.   It's a balancing act through out life....but God made no mistakes in either of us.  What happened is that we stopped seeing those GIFTS in our partners as GIFTS.....but instead judging them as faults.   

 

Luv

 Much wisdom indeed.

From the other side without meaning to be or create an arguement: Men love the emotional side of women. That's mostly what we fall in love with first. Then the change comes...I don't mean change of life. We enccounter the unbriddled emotional side. The side that says whatever we have done right is washed away with what we slipped up on. That somehow we didn't provide enough; we haven't helped out enough, no matter how busy and tired we are. When we offer up reason(s) for those it's percieved as not caring enough about her to set aside how we feel. It's how she feels that is most important. That then gets translated into we don't love her. That translates into she's certainly not going to have sex with someone she doesn't believe loves her. That translates into her making such a huge mistake about thinking she wanted to be with us. And we all know that's like HIV. It's progress can be slowed but eventually it will kill...the relationship.

Don't get me wrong. Dealing with only rational thinking can be just as damaging....You know we're trying to save for retirement and you go out and spend $25 for a pair of shoes for one night out that you probably won't were again, type of thing.

You're so absolutely right about God making us different on purpose. We make the mistake when we feel we can control the other's God given state. And when we feel we can subjugate the other because we have what they want/need and if they don't do things our way they will not get what they want/need from us.

Wisdom indeed. Good post Luv.
 
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allinall
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December 9, 2006, 9:09 pm PST

Crap

Quote From: darcylove

relationship rescue. that way someone starts to take responsibility for something. Sit and whine and carry on like you do ...or do something about it. It's  your choice. Because right now you sound like a big old baby with "Who responsibility is it? Why is it always mine?" (paraphrasing)

 

 

 Don't know how I missed this one. Ya, I've read Relationship Rescue. How about The DNA of a Relationship by Dr. Gary Smalley, or Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus for you. There are a few others in the library a couple of rooms away that I just don't feel like getting to list.

I've read a lot more than just the current pop relationship guru. I'm not saying Dr. Phil doesn't have some keen insight. There are others though that have been in it longer than Dr. Phil that don't use catch phrases like "kick em to the curb", or "what were you thinking" or "don't you know that women have loooong memories" to embarrass the other to subjugate their "Authentic Self" so as to keep the other from recognizing their responsibility in the relationship. That is condoning ones laziness in the relationship just like "porn is lazy sex".

Don't ever think you can accuse me of sherking my responsibilities and have it be truth just because you want it to be. I believe it equitable for the other to hold up their responsibilities while they expect me to. I've never sherked my responsibilities. I've held up both of our responsibilities many more times than I will ever tell you about. Just because I discuss them means I don't do my share and even more to you?

As long as you're handing out the big ole baby label here one for you about porn being the same thing as cheating..like in a flesh and blood affair. Just because you and others think it is doesn't make it fact.

Not attacking you Darcy. Just setting the facts striaght.

One last thing. If you're paraphrasing, don't use quotes.
 
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allinall
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December 9, 2006, 9:22 pm PST

Porn = Lazy sex

 Porn may be lazy sex. There is no lazier sex though than denying (sex) altogehter. Masterbation requires muscle activity. Denying sexual activity requires none at all...except for a couple of strokes of the jaw muscles.
 
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jljs53
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December 9, 2006, 10:10 pm PST

opinion and or experience

Quote From: stevepage

All of this is purely subjective and based upon opinion, not fact. I don't lie, I don't sneak and I don't hide, regarding my use of porn, nor have I ever. I've never had any complaints about my ability to provide for my wife, sexually - if anything, it's the other way around. However, I don't hold it against my wife - her job is physically demanding, she's had problems with illness in the past and her sex drive has always been lower than mine - therefore, I don't take it personally. I find an outlet for my sexual tension instead, which she is quite happy for me to do. She doesn't think any less of me for it either.

My wife was aware of my porn use before we even started seeing each other - we were friends first - so it hasn't changed the relationship. Ergo, there is no negative impact from it, and no deceit.


It seems that how destructive porn is to a relationship is dependent upon how destructive those in the relationship want it to be.

From my personal experience and the messages I have read on this board it is very usual for a porn user to hide it  and lie about it.  I am glad porn has not impacted your marriage in a negative way. 

 

As far as destruction to a marriage goes it is not dependent  on the wants of those involved. What ever the issue is, if one person is lying and deceiving and going outside the marriage or the boundaries  I believe it will weaken or break down the relationship. A relationship should be open, honest and loving.  Deceit is not part of that equation.

 

For people like you, that don't hide or lie about porn use and have a spouse that accepts it in the marriage the situation is obviously different.     jljs
 
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hawaiiangirl
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December 10, 2006, 6:08 am PST

This porn is driving me crazy

Hello,

  well aim not sure how you all feel about this. But i been married for 11years i have 5 children raging from 11years to 4months old. I still trying to figure out what is so great about porn. what aim doing so wrong that my husband has to go and look at someone else..I give him sex and other things that he want so please tell me what aim doing wrong.I told him how I feel about him looking and doing more. But it just doesn't help.I don't know how to make my self not feel hurt .The problem is Aim starting to hate him. I talk to a friend about this and she said that aim just feel blue after having a baby she just don't understand it been going on for a long time. I know i should just let it go but i cant. Its what he look at that hurt me..you see i don't have the body that he likes..He like them bodybuilders and I dont have that can of body.It makes me feel bad about myself..Iam trying to lose the weight that i put on from having children.But it doesn't help when i know he is looking at them girl and i know what he is doing . The hard part is he tells me that all man do it. but I dont belive that. What can I do ? Can anyone help me ?
 
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luvmiman1
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December 10, 2006, 6:58 am PST

One thing we forget I think....

Quote From: allinall

 Much wisdom indeed.

From the other side without meaning to be or create an arguement: Men love the emotional side of women. That's mostly what we fall in love with first. Then the change comes...I don't mean change of life. We enccounter the unbriddled emotional side. The side that says whatever we have done right is washed away with what we slipped up on. That somehow we didn't provide enough; we haven't helped out enough, no matter how busy and tired we are. When we offer up reason(s) for those it's percieved as not caring enough about her to set aside how we feel. It's how she feels that is most important. That then gets translated into we don't love her. That translates into she's certainly not going to have sex with someone she doesn't believe loves her. That translates into her making such a huge mistake about thinking she wanted to be with us. And we all know that's like HIV. It's progress can be slowed but eventually it will kill...the relationship.

Don't get me wrong. Dealing with only rational thinking can be just as damaging....You know we're trying to save for retirement and you go out and spend $25 for a pair of shoes for one night out that you probably won't were again, type of thing.

You're so absolutely right about God making us different on purpose. We make the mistake when we feel we can control the other's God given state. And when we feel we can subjugate the other because we have what they want/need and if they don't do things our way they will not get what they want/need from us.

Wisdom indeed. Good post Luv.

You know as well as I do......that women venture into a relationship with the future in mind right off the bat.    Back "in the day" men didn't GET to marry a women unless he came up with some "things" to reveal his intentions and what he had to offer fhis family of the women in a lot of cases.    That began a long time ago.    Women, (and their families) were looking for the security a man could offer her....(that doesn't happen so much today....unfortunately....lol).....

 

But the fact is women are always thinking about the foundation....the security of her household.  She's the "worry wart" of the family in every sense.    So also in knowing this......wouldn't it make sense that a women would "fear" or feel INsecure in her relationship with her man if he were seeking the sexual gradification else where OUTSIDE the relationship?    It does to me.....because it says to a woman or rather SHOWS to that woman that HE is capable of anything ...pretty much......that IF that situation were REAL or handed itself the opportunity that HE would take flight with it......isn't that what it really says?    It does to a woman.    And that ain't going to change because he's upset the security she has inside him or rather WITH him.    And it should these days because that's often what happens.

 

I mean...goodness....look at  Jeff's situation.   Married with kids....doesn't get enough sex....starts out seeking porn.....then decides porn isn't enough.....and then his wife's body isn't good enough.....hasn't been since the kids.......HE has to have a flat stomach.....and then boom!!!!    She finds herself with these kids....while he goes out and tries to regain his youth.....UNsuccessfully to boot....and then HE decides that he wants her back......HE decides he was wrong.   She has no decision in this.....other than to try killing herself to become "perfect" in his warped eyes and a memory filled with pornographic material SHE's supposed to "measure up to"

 

Yep, woman are emotional.....and sometimes, Thankfully, they actually start listening to their hearts being crushed over and over again.

 

Luv~
 
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luvmiman1
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December 10, 2006, 7:13 am PST

Dear Hawaiiangirl.....

Quote From: hawaiiangirl

Hello,

  well aim not sure how you all feel about this. But i been married for 11years i have 5 children raging from 11years to 4months old. I still trying to figure out what is so great about porn. what aim doing so wrong that my husband has to go and look at someone else..I give him sex and other things that he want so please tell me what aim doing wrong.I told him how I feel about him looking and doing more. But it just doesn't help.I don't know how to make my self not feel hurt .The problem is Aim starting to hate him. I talk to a friend about this and she said that aim just feel blue after having a baby she just don't understand it been going on for a long time. I know i should just let it go but i cant. Its what he look at that hurt me..you see i don't have the body that he likes..He like them bodybuilders and I dont have that can of body.It makes me feel bad about myself..Iam trying to lose the weight that i put on from having children.But it doesn't help when i know he is looking at them girl and i know what he is doing . The hard part is he tells me that all man do it. but I dont belive that. What can I do ? Can anyone help me ?

First of all if you've expressed, hopefully calmly, how this hurts you and he's not caring or listening.....then that is the problem....over and above the actual porn use.   Having his children and being married should mean that he would care about your feelings because you should be the number one concern in his life.   You are his wife, that's not just chump change!!!!

 

You are NOT wrong to feel as you do.   Millions of women feel like this, AND this is not normal actions of a man who is happily married.  So don't believe that.     What you do have to do is really communicate with him on this....calmly and with assurance that your stand is not abnormal or wrong...in other words with confidence.    You have a lot on your plate....so does he.   This might be his escape from stress....and you should hear him if that's the case.   He might be missing some of the things you two used to be able to do once in a while.   But I assure you this is NOT just about your looks or having babies either.

 

Do you date, go out or at least take time to be without the kids?   Even every other week?    Do you initiate sex with him?  Does he feel like the last thing on the "list of duties"?   AND YES, I can imagine how hard all this is with five children....especially having a little baby too.   BUT....there is hope and there is change that is available to you and your marriage.   First get assertive with yourself.....be honest about that....and see what YOU can do with the power you have over Yourself......change begins with in US....not the other person.    So by being open to his reasons without getting upset or angry.....hear him.  Sit down with him and just ask what you both can do to improve your marriage.  Set aside time for yourself to take care of YOU.    If you need outside help...sitters, family.....then arrange these things so that you have the time to devote to rekindling your love life.     And sometimes it's NOT just about the number of times you have sex with him....so much as it is about HOW that sex got started.   If he's "asking" for it and feels it's a bother to you.....then that's not good.

 

Talk to him....and do NOT begin to think your marriage is over and done.   Think of this as a way to know him better and he to know you better.  Share with him calmly and straight how this is and will continue to damage you as his wife and mother to his kids...and HE should care abou t that first and foremost.

 

Luv~  Welcome to the board.
 
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darcylove
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December 10, 2006, 8:23 am PST

oh i didn't mean

Quote From: itsdakota

when i read this post, i actually understood how porn makes you feel. i didnt get it the last time i was here, but i do now. but i mean, keep in mind that you are right about one thing: the stuff you see in porn isn't "real", its just acting. well darcylove, to some guys, they dont want there wife to become a "porn star", some of them just wish that their wives could be fun and adventurous enuf to to try some of that stuff out ! i dont think the guy or husband thinks its about him pretending hes having sex with a porn star but instead its about him wanting real live hot sex with his gurl or wife.  You said "I am interested in sex that leaves both of us happy and fulfilled." some of the time yea, that kinda sex is sweet and loving, which is an awesome thing ! but umm, to some guys, "happy and fulfilled" sex spells b-o-r-i-n-g sex. and the only reason that is, is because sometimes guys want the sex to be wicked hot, trying new positions and stuff that they don't normally do.

 

 

 

theres nothing wrong with changing things up sexually in a marriage. but like allinall said in one of his posts, there are LOTS of women (and i never would of known this if allinall didn't post it ) out there that shut down their hot sexual side of themselves and then the part she doesnt shut down is the basic foreplay and sex act itself. and even tho the wife says that this is the only kinda sex shes interested in, that means the guy or husband has to be happy with that ? so, he either has to suck it up or divorce the wife so she can make better choices with her life? what about his life ? for some guys, i dont imagine that divorce is even an option for them because they like being in the marriage for lots of other reasons- except for this one reason that has to do with sex.

 

 

whats wrong with wives getting a lil creative in the bedroom ? whats wrong with her changing things up ocassionaly?  whats wrong with her wearing black or pink lingerie from vickie's and her think up of new positions and hot things to do to eachother ? why is it always have to be the husbands responsiblity to make the sex exciting??  and when he does tell her or, he actually tries new and diff positions, then she looks at him all insulted and says stuff like, "oh where did you get the idea to try that ??" or " what are you doing ? no! i dont want to do that! " and other excuses that shoots the husband down in a nanosecond .... whats the guy supposed to do after that ? who is he supposed to live out his fantasies with (not porn's fantasies, his fantasies! ) if his own wife aint even interested ?

 

so instead of divorcing this wife, a guy goes to the computer and watches some porn vid clips to see all the hot fun sex that other people are having since he cant have it with his own wife becuase she doesnt want to for whatever reason and him doing that is considered cheating, but then theres nothing wrong with what shes doing and how shes treating her husband ? i thought about how some marriages are like this and jus wanted to bounce this everyones way to see what you all thought about what i posted here?  my point is that i think its jus as much the wife's responsiblity to keep sex hot and spicy (the way he wants it to be) in the same way that its the husband's responsibility to keep the sex happy and fulfilling for her (the way she wants it to be )

 

 

 

anyways, thats just how i see it. and nobody has to agree with it either because its jus my opinion !

satisfing for both means boring and not hot and exciting. it just means both get something out of it. but sex should never leave either with physical or emotional damage. If hot and exciting for one leaves the other with damage....then there is a problem. Too many have asked for sexual fantasies that are above and beyond what they feel comfortable doing. and often porn displays fantasies that are unrealistic for someone to feel good about.
 
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