Topic : Pornography

I've had company since Friday night, that just left this morning.  I scanned the posts and saw the one from Sandman.  He's made the same point that woman on Oprah made about how he views his marriage, and sadly, this is a good analogy of what  a lot of men feel.  Spending the time I did with this "company"....it's a constantly "sickly" woman, who's got anything from fibermyalgia to neck paid, headaches, and on and on.  Her & I stayed up two nights in a row, at her request, until almost 4:30 this morning talking about how horrible her husband is while he slept in the quest bedroom, the same thing the night before.  8 yrs, into the marriage, I heard about things that happened from the time they met until now.  After several times of saying "I have to go to bed", I finally just asked her to plz slow down and listen to herself.  When I asked, "do you love him at all, bcuz, it sound like you don't?"  She proclaimed "yes, Of course"....she just can't understand his "resentment towards her" and how he never ONCE initiates sex with her or any form of complimenting her ever.   

  

I've known them their entire married life, and I can relate to how he just has to feel sometimes towards her....because  I feel it too.  This is a constantly sick person, never a good day in her life, constantly insists on more and more stress be added to her already hectic and strained existance.  Always popping some new meds, seeking a new doctor, (b-cuz no one can find anything wrong with her), and insisting that the cause of her "stress and illness is because of HIM".   

  

Does anyone realize how many women are medicated these days.  It's rediculous!!!  If it's not one thing it's another.  When they (the doctors) can't find something wrong physically, and the WOMAN insists nothing emotionally is wrong, (which I hear all the time too), then they come up with a "new diagnosis label something else"....hence the sudden discovery of new "syndroms" that explain away all the problems.  Then, once the new diagnosis doesn't gets old or "used to" then suddenly there is  a new physical problem on the horizon.  Now I am discounting that the physical symptoms of things aren't real...but I have to wonder, when 15 doctors later, and a few meds being popped daily....what the heck is going on?    

  

Her husband says he's helpless, and feels like he's married to a 90 year old woman all the time.  His eyes are forever wandering, he avoids being alone with her, finds anything possible to take him away from the house and be around others..."helping them"....and she's seeing this as him avoiding her.....and it is.  Sexually, he won't approach her anymore...simply because he' s tired of hearing the excuses or something new thats wrong OR that something else is more important at the moment.  cont....>> 

It's just a good thing I only have to answer the phone when I want to!!!!  And it's even a better thing that I don't have to live with these kinds of problems either!   

  

Everything we talked about boils down to this.  After asking her several questions about herself.  She finally acknowledged that the biggest thing is she has never "forgiven the past" and won't stop talking about everything from his previous marriage, to his parents, to his kids, to his, his, him, him.   And yet,..."so why do you stay married?"  If today you have decided that you are going to be married why bother with things that you should have gotten over with 5,6,7,8, years ago?   

  

I really don't get that!!!  The fact is he stays gone, avoids you, avoids initiating sex ......because he's given up!!!   When a woman "dwells" in the pain, or stays in the past...it defeats her totally....AND makes her SICK....both physically and emotionally.  If there are no female friends left and everyone regrets asking "how are you today".....then get a clue!!!!!    

  

When a man sees that HE IS LAST PLACE in the race of time, affections, and attention....and then WHEN HE DOES put out that "call for time"....and he's constantly addressed with "I don't feel good, I have this or that to do.....the kids are blah blah....or the contant reminder of what HE'S not doing right"......there's something going to take a turn for the worse.    When a man can look at "porn or anything remotely resembling what YOU used to be and NO LONGER ARE"  then he's going to grasp on to that because it's PLEASING to him in a world that doesn't offer anything PLEASING in reality of his life.  If something, anything, can take his mind off the "suffering" of the woman at home, then he's eventually going to fall into that temptation to seek that. 

  

Sorry, but I've seen this way too much these days!.  All you have to do is research how many woman are walking around on meds for things that Dr.s can't even figure out whats wrong.  There was a day, not long ago that certain diseases were talked about in the medical community as "lazy person's syndroms"....and you have to wonder why? 

  

Luv~ 

"To experience the pleasurable spiritual and physical sensations of being with someone new that embraces the world head on. This young lady is extremely energetic and enjoys the outdoors and experiencingTo experience the pleasurable spiritual and physical sensations of being with someone new that embraces the world head on. This young lady is extremely energetic and enjoys the outdoors and experiencing new and different things. My wife would be perfectly content cross stitching on a Friday evening. Any time that we do go out, it is at MY prompting. If I don't suggest anything to do or make arrangements, she doesn't care one way or the other. It is as if I've married a grandmother instead of a sexually and spiritually vibrant woman. " Per Sandman. 

  

And NO, I am not saying that I support or agree with HIS choice of  seeing another woman, whether that be for physical OR emotional cheating.  Because even the "emotional" seeking of another is going to take it's toll on him.  What I am saying is that when you literally see (from the outside), the decline of a marriage from where it used to be, to where it is heading.....it's very sad. 

  

I've had my share of  down time in my life.  Even from our recent move to a new state, starting over...and all that.  And I've had to get a real grip of realizing how much power AND control I have to literally turn that around and do something NEW to get myself back to where I should be in this marriage.  Most of that was and IS physically DOING something that makes ME feel good and better about MYSELF.  EVEN IF IT HURTS at first.  The rewards are indescribable!!!   I think a huge part of all this is just the fact that letting that other person SEE the results of what you are TRYING to do for yourself is gradifying...even if it doesn't make you 20 something again, that's not what anyone expects.  But it sure is nice walking in the door after a long day and seeing someone greet you with some GOOD news and a GOOD attitude and some energy!   Men appreciate what they see you do for yourself in order to keep the emotional/physical side of yourself healthy....And MEN ARE NOT TO BLAME when you do nothing!!!! 

  

Luv~ 

 To respond with quotes would make this far too long a post. Years ago my wife complained about doctor, she started going to him because she didn't have one, that his answer to all things female was in their head. I had also heard this from someone else who had him for a doctor. This doctor of mine was an excellent physician technically.He saved my father's live by using the finger test on  arteries to pick up on a possible clogs long before it became the way to do it. He just had a way of matter of factly saying what he thought was right. No bedside manner. Anyway my point, now days we are unwilling to listen to what a doctor says if we don't want to hear it. He/she has to have a special political way of telling us what we have to hear only in the way we want to hear it.

I agreed with my wife that she should get another doctor so she got one her sister recommended. She convinced  me to go to him also. Low and behold this new doctor has the same way of telling it like he sees it. I still ahve him and my wife has moved on to another. I have to agree that my doctor is frustrating at times but good id good. He just wishes I was a better patient.

So man or woman, we hear what we want and argue about the rest I guess.

There is no denying that for a long time, men patients have been taken "somewhat" more seriously than a female patient.  My H & I went to the same Dr. also, Family practice thing.  When my husband went to see him for a problem, and I was with him, the "care" and attention was unbelievable, and something I hadn't received when I had been to this Dr.    What we tend to forget, is that IF a man does go to the Doctor, the doctor's knowledge that MEN rarely even GET TO a doctor tells him automatically "there has to be something really bothering this man".....with women, however, we WILL and DO go to the doctors when we physically don't feel good and can't "cure" it with our own methods.   Men will often "mask" or "hide" physical problems and not take the initiative to seek medical attention.  That's one reason men "USED TO" die suddenly more than a woman did. 

  

The problem from what I've seen with some women I DO know.   Is that after seeking medical attention from a multitude of Drs. and not getting any answers.....then DOCTORS will finally come up with something and treat "it".....even when the solution is within the power of that woman to solve the issue.  You can't "starve" yourself and NOT exercise and loose fat....you will loose muscle but not fat!  Your heart is a MUSCLE. and without doing something other than starving yourself....you will become depressed, physically tired, and it will take it's toll!  Just as you can't eat, and eat junk, then nap, and expect yourself to remain physically or emotionally  good about yourself either.  And I am not saying "all" women do this.  But I have researched it within the alternative meds study...and you can't believe how many women are on stimulans, anti-depressants, diet aids, and other meds.....to simply wake up, go to bed, function, and give a poor attempt to stay "happy". 

  

My solution, I had a doctor, female, who was an avid athlete.   She point blank told me...."grow up! You will not always be 18, stop acting like you have to be a size 4, Drink some green tea everyday, no less than 6 glasses of pure water, take your vitamins, start eating healthy, stay off the phone with sap-suckers, walk no less than 3 times a week, have sex as often as you can, and make someone else happy instead of it always having to be about YOU being happy"...!!!!!  (Thank you Dr. C.) And she never once wrote me a script for anything!   And that sure did cure my "un-diagnosed" aches and pains! 

  

Luv~ 

 There is no way I am making any excuses and there may be some who will have to read that more than once so it sink in. I am not making excuses or justifying for those who *lust* after *the younger*!

I think what Sandman said has some validity, kind of like a hidden knowledge. Those who look at younger, in this case I'll say men because that is normally what is attacked while the present condition of more women looking to younger men is applauded, is not as much about the youth itself rather the excitement, curiousity, exuberance, experimentality of youth. The pure enjoyment that is experienced in youth as opposed to the hohum of seen that, done that of more advanced age and experience.

It can, admitedly, be tough to maintain the *newness* that is experienced in the beginning of experiences. And it's very easy to take the notion of ya so, I've been there, nothing new in it. I think what Sandman was really expressing is the vitality he was missing and is once again experiencing. The refreshment of simple joy/enjoyment.

That joy/enjoyment is very much possible no matter what the age. It's simply the attitude of just because I've done that or even done that with them, doesn't mean it has to be any less enjoyable.

So again, in some cases it's not about youth itself as much as the attitude that is more commonly found in youth. Isn't this where you're only as old as you feel comes in?

Hello to everyone, 

     I just wanted to pop in again, like i do every once in a while to let those who are going through a rough time because of porn know that there is hope. I found out my hubby was looking at porn on the internet when i was about 8 months preg. with our 4th baby. I was floored and lost. I felt like everything i based our marriage on was a lie. I felt like i didn't really know my husband and questioned his love for me. I mean how could he love me and hurt me so badly? Well, it was his reaction and support that really allowed me to be willing to try to work past my pain. He saw the pain he caused me and it changed him, he understood in that moment what he had done, and what he stood to loose. He never for one moment blamed me, he never said, if only this or you should have that...he said what he did was stupid and selfish and he just didn't allow himself to think it through to the point of how badly it would hurt me. He told me it was unimportant to him he would never do it again and then the biggie he was patient with me. The pain and the mistrust lingered and still pops into my mind every now and then. He knew why I felt that way, he knew he caused me to feel that way and would do whatever he could to help me through those tought times...that often meant just giving me a hug and saying he was sorry for hurting me so badly. Our marriage has grown, we are closer than ever, we are more romantic with each other and we have both found a new appreciation for eachother and the life that we share.  It was hell and I wish that we could have reached this place in our relationship without having to have gone through all that but it is great now...amazing now. There is hope, things can work out if your guy realizes the pain he has caused and truely regrets it and supports you through all you have to work through it can work out and be better than ever!   

Just thought I would let any of the new people who may be feeling as lost as I did, know there is hope....things can get better:) 

It IS really hard to keep the newness alive when you are married.  Life beats us down really bad, if we don't have something to get us past these things in life.  We all get tired of the "same ole thing"...even women.  We also crumble under the added pressures of "got to have it" mentalities too.  The more we have, the more we have to take care of.  And after we "have it all" then we wonder why we are not any happier, but in fact, more stressed to take care of those things.   

  

Let's face it, some people love the "stress" and traumas in life...without them, they can't wear that forever "suffering" mask they love so much.  It's like signs we can wear around our broken bodies saying...."see all I do, see all I suffer for, see the reasons why I am tired, worn, sad, and unhappy".   And people really love that.  It "explains" so much about why we behave the way we do....without ever having to change any of it.  Change isn't comfortable at all.  People like things to be the same in a lot of areas, but then they wonder why EVERYTHING stays the same...including our love lives. 

  

It's equally possible for both sexes to get on the bandwagon of "freshness" and new ideas that will keep things new.  The problem lies within marriages where the stuberness of both partners prevents them from making "first moves" towards that other person....after all we all know that when one person makes the "first move" towards healing they are admitting, at least in part, that they have been wrong.   

  

The truest test of really loving the person you are with is  that you are willing to put aside what or how you might appear if YOU yourself would move in the direction of healing first.  It's setting aside the "pride" of things just being about you...and realizing that the commitment of marriage means that you will and HAVE closed the doors or options of getting out of that commitment when things aren't as they used to be.  It's admitting that each partner is just as "at fault" for the breakdowns that happen to you marriage...NOT that other person, but to the unity of the marriage. 

  

What happens in cases like Sandmans...is people get tired, give up, having no patience or vision of the goal or future for what it could be.  They basically throw in the towel....on the marriage, and feel they are always the "right" one.  What they truly are doing is saying...."it's more important for me to be right, than it is to save my marriage....and the "suffering" I embrace is the "excuse" I will always have for doing what I choose to do.   

  

One thing I know is this...you can't be a double-minded person, always with the "opt" out of every situation that you are in.  A committed marriage is only successful when you are single minded....the options, the doors, are no longer a part of the equation.  Being in a marriage very often means that you might be right, but that you value your marriage more than the need to be right.  One thing people don't get, is that you are in a "pay off" system in marriage....what YOU do and what YOU put in to it...even in the face of adversary or trials....WILL always come back to you with reward.  If not, then don't expect the reward, and move on.  Luv~ 

I just read that...and it sounded like I was saying "you" as in you, Allinall, and I wasn't trying to say that...I mean people or persons in general. 

  

Luv~