Topic : Pornography

When TWO ppl in a marriage, agrees on how that 'marriage' is going to be..then, OK..BUT, my BIG concern is on children...IF one has any...I mean, IN MY OPINION ONLY, that changes everything...WE as ADULTS need to be responsible in raising of our children...SO, that means (TO ME) that we are role models, and I just don't feel having porn, etc. etc. in a home is a good thing to do...IF one has NO children, then ok, IF BOTH wants that...For the life of me, I just don't understand the whole business. of strip clubs, porn viewing, etc. etc...I know I'm VERY old-fashion, but that's just who I am..and I like who I am..I wouldn't change for anything OR ANYONE...but, as I said, it's ppl's life to live the way they want...as long as it doesn't hurt others...husbands/wives/children...and everything we do in life, we HAVE TO think about someone, other than ourselves...    Dee

If you were never able to get your post reworded in a way that the mods would leave it up, well that lets me know I failed in what I was trying to accomplish with my post.  I was truly trying to be conciliatory, but I know how sometimes text doesn't come accross so that the intent matches the perception.  I can only imagine that you took exception to me asking you to temper your words on the other board.  I asked as nicely as I knew how, but I suppose it still felt like someone bossing you around and no 24 yo really likes that.

 

So, I will do what I said and not address any further posts to you.  Apparently I am not able to express myself to you in a way that seems sincere or comes across the way I intend it to.  I meant everything I said in my post - most especially that I don't want anyone to feel negativity from my words.  I know of one post in particular I wrote to you a while back, that I had to revise extensively, about SAHM's, before the mods would leave it up.  If you saw the original version, you have my apology for that.  I didn't respond in a mature, responsible way.  I just struck out because I felt attacked for doing something I love with my life and am so proud of and really believe it is benefitting our children.  That's not an excuse, just my explanation of why I forgot to be respectful and kind in the words I chose.  So again, I apologize for that and also for any other time you perceived my words to be negatively meant towards yourself. 

 

'nuff said.  Best wishes to you and yours.  Roxy

My advice is that if you have any suspicion that the "illegal porn" is of minors, then you need to start documenting somehow what he's looking at.  The best thing would probably be to print out the pictures / emails that you have found.  If you could be in any physical danger by confronting him, my advice would be to make sure you have some money, if you work, open up a bank account only in your name and deposit your checks in there, then  pack a bag, take all important paperwork (i.e. credit card / banking info., account numbers, phone numbers, etc. of insurance, taxes, what ever you deem important and stash them at a trusted friend or family members place, leave, and report him to the police.  I know it's difficult, but I've done it.  It may the most stressful and difficult thing you've ever had to do.   If you wish to work on the marriage and give it a chance, set some boundaries up really quick after you have left (if you feel threatened) or when you confront him and still live with him.  For example, I told my ex that if he wanted the marriage to work, this is what he needed to do:I wanted him to see a therapist / psychologist, go to church with me every Sunday (he claimed to be  a Christian).  Set a time line for what you feel comfortable with.  Make sure you have a support network for you too - this may include a therapist, family, friends, etc.  This will be very hard to do wityout suport.  My ex manipulated and maneuvered his way out of everything.   If your husband starts suspecting that you've caught him, or when you confront him, he may want to destroy the hard drive on your computer.  If you can sneak it out of the house, and give it to the police, I would.  At the very least, print out what he's looking at or emailing.  Write down any website addresses he visits, this can be found in the 'history' on your computer.  If he's computer savvy he's probably already erased it.  If this is the case then get the hard drive into the hands of police.  Make sure the police department you take it to, is reliable.  If they want to talk to you about it, take an attorney or a close friend or family member.   Document any and all conversations with your husband or anyone else you tell, especially the police.  I would take a tape recorder with you if you talk to the police.  The main thing is to protect yourself and your children if you have any.  I put a block on our computer when my husband was doing this, and each time he logged on, I had to put in a password, that only I knew.  This made him very upset, and he tried to manipulate me every way possible to get it.   Trust me no matter what you or he does, it will be very a stressful and frustrating situation to say the least!   If you need further help let me know.  My email is loriecmpbll@yahoo.com.  I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU!!!!  Do what you feel is right.  You know your husband and situation better than anyone else.  Trust your instincts. I hope this helps. The next section is what I posted onto another message board.    I hope this will get posted, I'm new to the message board thing.  Here goes. In November of 2005 , my husband soon to be ex moved out.  Since June of 2005, I caught him looking a child porn on the internet.  In May of 2006, my divorce was finalized and I moved to a different state to be near my parents and family.  Looking back, he was gradually conditioning me, to believe that what he was doing was 'ok'.  Of course it didn't work at all. I have heard every lie and excuse there is, just like on Dateline's shows 'To catch a predator'.  The really scary part is that he is still a teacher at an elementary school.  Now, before y'all get your panties in a wad, yes, I did call the police, yes they did come and get the hard drive.  Was anything done? Absolutely not!  The detective assigned to the case, became very angry when I would not come in and talk to him right away.  First of all, I was trying seek some legal advice for myself.   Within, 3 days of the police taking the hard drive, it was returned back to my ex at his school no less.  There was no way they could have looked at the hard drive within that time.  The officers who took the hard drive, said it would be at least 2 weeks before they would know what was on the hard drive, and that they had to send it to a much larger city, to obtain the necessary information.   Before taking it back to my ex, the detective called me up and threatened me that if I did not meet with him that very day, that the case would be passed of as a 'domestic problem'.  Sure enough he returned it.  I'm not going to give more detail right now.  There's much more to my story.  Suffice it to say, the spouses and families of pedofiles, are lost in the process.  Not much is mentioned about what they go through.  It seems that the pedofile gets the most attention, not the people he / she destroys.  PLEASE, PLEASE know that I am not taking away from the child victims who are assaulted by pedofiles.  I pray every night that my ex will not hurt a child.  I have suspicions he has, but cannot confirm anything.  I am a special education teacher, and I try to protect children as much as I can.  I thought calling the cops on him would do something, but it didn't.  My ex lives in the middle of the Bible belt and what I call "good'ol boy central."  Anyway, I dealt with his mind games and manipulation to the point that I thought I was going crazy, I even considered suicide at the time.  Sometimes I still think about it!  I read on the message boards about PTSD and abuse.  He did not abuse me physically, but to me emotionally and mentally. Sometimes things will come to mind, and I'll be a blubbering mess!  He would ask me to do things in the bedroom (before I caught him) that I thought were ways of pleasing him or being a " good wife."  There were other things that went on, that made me like I was raped.  I  suffer from depression and have had a really hard time with the whole thing.  Anyway I would love to email someone if they've been through something similar.  I feel that as spouses of these people, we suffer in silence and shame.  My email is loriecmpbll@yahoo.com.

Tiffany 2007,  have you ever been married?  I lived with a sociopath for 13 years who when I divorced him was a child predator.  In case you didn't know, some people are very good at hiding things, no matter how long you know them before marriage.  My ex was a dr. jekyl / hyde.  In public vs. home the last few years we were togehter.  When we were first married, he was a strong Christian man, had a lot of charisma and character.  The man I divorced was not the same man I married as far as personality and behaviors are concerned.  People change over time, sometimes it is so gradual and cunning and manipulative that  they don't even notice let alone their spouse. 

My ex didn't want to get help, so I divorced him.  My ex said the same thing that it was my problem.

"have you ever been married?"

 

Yes I'm currently married, and no my husband has never changed so much that it caused problems so far.

 

I have seen alot of this so called, changed that the wife/husband claimed wasn't there before they got married. Now i'm not saying all marriages just the ones I have known the people personally. And I have found the couples usually lie to themselves cause they are more inlove with a idea they have of there spouse then the real person. I'm not being judgemental I'm being truthful. And sorry if you cant handle that. I don't know what happened in your marriage but when I do make my comments Im making then as a general statment, not that every single marriage is the same, cause I think we all can agree there not all the same.

 

But there are SOME women/men that dont really get to know there future spouse before they marry and it bites them in the ass later. And all i'm saying is those people need to stop and really look at there mate.

Well, I am not fully against porn myself, and I have a child. But my husband and I were mentally preparing to be parents from the very beginning, even though we didn't have a child for 5 years.

And I totally respect that you are, as you say, old fashioned. I am somewhat progressive, and that's cool, long as we are married to people who are like us, or who are willing to work with us and us work with them.

No, you don't understand. I was able to reword my post in a way that the mods would approve of; but I mean, I had to reference what we were originally talking about so you could understand where I was going with some of my opinions regarding the original posts we were both referring to. But just the sheer fact of me making a very basic reference to the other posts (it was only two words lol) got my post deleted anyway. I thought it was pretty silly that they deleted my post to you (just like they deleted your post to me) even though it contained nothing negative in it. But, each day brings a different mod to supervise these boards. Sometimes, posts stay up and sometimes they are taken down. Thanks for your apology and it's more than accepted. I hope you'll accept my apology for making you feel attacked with my post about SAHMs. I was just stating my opinion on it - I never thought that it would make someone feel bad or feel insulted. That's why in a way I hate posting on forums because it's hard to express emotion and original intent in the typewritten word. So much of that is lost and sometimes that leads to misunderstandings and hard feelings.

 

I never said that men wanting to watch a woman (their wife or whomever) strip was a 'need'. But it is a desire and a fantasy that they do have. I also never said porn was a necessity either - but it is a desire that men have to see women naked doing sexual things that they want to see them do. All I meant by my post was that if you did strip for him regularly and often, then you would be fulfilling this desire that he has (that most men have).  If you don't strip for him regularly and often, then you would not be fulfilling this desire that he has and he may seek to have that part of his desire fulfilled elsewhere. The key word here is MAY. Your husband may not seek this elsewhere and may be perfectly happy with you and the way your marriage is going sexually.