Topic : Pornography

would you be upset if you found out your wife was talking to some guy that lifted her spirits? For example: say your wife needed to feel desireable but you were not around or just not able to give her what she needed,but, she found some guy, by the way who is also hot, and he makes her smile and she comes home and feels really good inside, would this upset you or would you just assume she is getting what she needs and as long as she is not having sex with this guy, it is acceptable?  

i think my husband is a litle upset with me because i did find someone that makes me feel sexually alive again, even though there is no sex involved. but i think of him and i even fantasized about him once in a while . is this cheating or is this just getting my emotinal needs met? thankx. 

It's very likely that if it's such a struggle for a man to show or gain the trust that he is "working" or doing anything to prove to a woman that she can be secure within their relationship....it most likely was "conditioned" into her from far before she met him....NOT that this is his problem, but it is one that can be solved.  This often stems from seeing how her parents interacted or possibly from previous relationships or betrayals.  Whatever the cause, seeking porn certainly will NOT allow a woman to ever come to terms that she can trust a man.  Using porn says one very distinct thing about a man who uses it....HE WILL NOT BE TRUSTED completely, no, not ever.  And why should he?  He is backing up her already doubts that she will ever be what he wants exclusively.  So that would mean that no matter what she does, he refuses to help an already bad situation, no matter where it stems from. 

And yes, God did make men to be the head of the house.  However, that applies to those men who know and walk in Gods' will for their lives.  Because it isn't the "man" that a woman can or will trust 100%, but instead it is God working THROUGH that man that allows her to trust and literally not fear his decisions and or efforts.  Whatever a woman does, she will never be able to look at a man who is not led by God or one that he does not walk in the ways of God to be the "leader" of the household.  There are way too many men NOT showing that they themselves trust or believe in what the word speaks about marriage...so how can they lead their families in this?  They can't, it's plain and simple.  And that's precisely why marriages fail today by the thousands.  Keep taking God out of everything as we see today....and watch it fall and crumble before our eyes.  And that's fact, not religion! 

There is nothing anyone can say, that will ever support the necessity for any man to seek outside his marriage.  It's reaps exactly what it sows into the marriage.....mis-trust.  And the very first thing it does to a woman is opens her eyes to the fact that she actually does dis-respect him and can't put her children or her self into his hands completely.  That just won't happen.  Her "conflicts" stem from her choices of the spouse she chose and her once high opinion of him.....that are crushed because he can not resist everything that is thrown into his face as temptation.   That's not "emotions" ruling her....that's the very nature of what her marriage was and should be built on. 

Luv 

would you be upset if you found out your wife was talking to some guy that lifted her spirits? For example: say your wife needed to feel desireable but you were not around or just not able to give her what she needed,but, she found some guy, by the way who is also hot, and he makes her smile and she comes home and feels really good inside, would this upset you or would you just assume she is getting what she needs and as long as she is not having sex with this guy, it is acceptable?  

i think my husband is a litle upset with me because i did find someone that makes me feel sexually alive again, even though there is no sex involved. but i think of him and i even fantasized about him once in a while . is this cheating or is this just getting my emotinal needs met? thankx. 

It's very likely that if it's such a struggle for a man to show or gain the trust that he is "working" or doing anything to prove to a woman that she can be secure within their relationship....it most likely was "conditioned" into her from far before she met him....NOT that this is his problem, but it is one that can be solved.  This often stems from seeing how her parents interacted or possibly from previous relationships or betrayals.  Whatever the cause, seeking porn certainly will NOT allow a woman to ever come to terms that she can trust a man.  Using porn says one very distinct thing about a man who uses it....HE WILL NOT BE TRUSTED completely, no, not ever.  And why should he?  He is backing up her already doubts that she will ever be what he wants exclusively.  So that would mean that no matter what she does, he refuses to help an already bad situation, no matter where it stems from. 

And yes, God did make men to be the head of the house.  However, that applies to those men who know and walk in Gods' will for their lives.  Because it isn't the "man" that a woman can or will trust 100%, but instead it is God working THROUGH that man that allows her to trust and literally not fear his decisions and or efforts.  Whatever a woman does, she will never be able to look at a man who is not led by God or one that he does not walk in the ways of God to be the "leader" of the household.  There are way too many men NOT showing that they themselves trust or believe in what the word speaks about marriage...so how can they lead their families in this?  They can't, it's plain and simple.  And that's precisely why marriages fail today by the thousands.  Keep taking God out of everything as we see today....and watch it fall and crumble before our eyes.  And that's fact, not religion! 

There is nothing anyone can say, that will ever support the necessity for any man to seek outside his marriage.  It's reaps exactly what it sows into the marriage.....mis-trust.  And the very first thing it does to a woman is opens her eyes to the fact that she actually does dis-respect him and can't put her children or her self into his hands completely.  That just won't happen.  Her "conflicts" stem from her choices of the spouse she chose and her once high opinion of him.....that are crushed because he can not resist everything that is thrown into his face as temptation.   That's not "emotions" ruling her....that's the very nature of what her marriage was and should be built on. 

Luv 

Let me be the first to say....I understand how these things happen. But what I don't believe is that it is ever exceptable. My son the other day got really ticked off at an adult for somethings he was saying about him. Now this boy.....(my son) turned around and layed into this adult. He told the guy to go F off. And I have to say....I completely understand how it happened. But and that's a big BUT....I don't want this to be the way my son deals with things like this. 

How does that apply to you?  Well your husband.....completely disappointed you. He was not able to give you what it is you wanted in this marriage. And the harder you tried to figure it out.....the more angry you became at the situation. You were looking for something....that you weren't getting. So soon you found yourself watching other people that were able to give you exactly what you need. You turned outside the marriage to get validation. You went looking for something that made you feel good again inside. Something  you felt you were not able to get from  your husband and something you felt you never would. 

My question is Kimi.....if it has come to a point in which you are searching for affection from someone else.....why don't you finally take it upon yourself to leave what has always appeared to be not going to work?  I think......your husband should be angry. I think you should be angry. YOu both cheated each other and now......the two of you are coming to a head on this one.  

Kimi.....be the person I know you are. Be honest with him (your husband) and let him know what it is you are feeling, thinking and needing. And if he cna't meet what it is you need.....try to fix it or leave the marriage. Kimi.....you deserve happiness and he deserves happiness and if it isn't obvious to you ....it sure is to me.....neither of you are happy and neither of you plan to be happy together. 

SOmething I was thinking about this past week. If something smells like a rat and looks like a rat.....it is probably a rat.  

After coming back and reading your response to Kimi about your wife.  I totally understand the "balance" within your marriage, or at least as much as you would allow for "us" to understand about it hear.  The lack of closeness, intimately, makes it clear where and why you look through the lenses that life has handed you.  It's clear you also choose to believe only certain things about women because of your experience in this marriage.  It's unfortunate that neither of you wants change bad enough to stop and take a closer look at the solutions instead of dwelling in the pits of why it's not working. 

The relationships that women have are extremely important for women with women.  It's mentally healthy and it also can and will improve her spiritually as a mother and a wife....WHEN those relationships are of a "pure" nature.  Female friends are a must.  But good friends never, EVER, hinder the balance in the marriage first and foremost.  Because true friends clearly understand your first priority IS your husband....or at least should be.   

The sexual comments about what God would or wouldn't want for a woman is clear.  However, that being said.  If a man is really "in" a relationship with God in the first place...the "want" or desire to do anything that would put his wife in a situation where it might "harm" or cause her discomfort wouldn't be an issue in the first place.  Although I do know some women take this to an extreme, just as some men take their pleasurable wants to levels that are also unreasonable.  This is where some serious communications about what each partner wants is important.   

Put it this way, and very simple, when two people sincerely care and respect eachother, compromise is possible and a healthy fulfilling sexual life together is totally possible.  Taking away the trust, or denial that certian behaviors have and will cause that other partner to not totally be honest with their husband or wife...or cause the trust to decay is really the reason that most seperate emotionally from one or the other.   

Clearly, your wife has successfully seperated herself from you emotionally and spiritually.  And that is heart renching. But in spite of this, there is always hope.  But, as with anything , it takes some serious looks at what *you* and her have done to contribute to this kind of marriage.  But, as I expect, this won't happen any time soon.  It's still that individual choice to stay and leave things as they are because the partners have developed skills and outside relationships with other sources that mask the real pain and loss of eachother. 

Luv