Quote From: bmoreselfish Hi Sug!
I dont know what to say to what you have written. It tells me that we dont know much about the people we are talking too. I'm glad your here though Sug!
I do understand you. If a woman feels threatened by her s/o's pornuse.....she wants to feel better (as is natural with humans) so hermind will immediately go to a realm of "how can I feel better aboutthis?" If doing the same (viewing porn) isn't going to do that forher....she'll do whatever it is....(right or wrong) that WILL make her"feel" better.
The problem with all this is......if one sits back and views it"logically"...then, IMO, "flirting" is much more dangerous to therelationship then simple porn "viewing" (not talking about on lineactual "interacting" here). However,......."logic" is not something we(as humans) use very well when we've just had our heart broken. Infact, when we've just had our heart broken.....logic sucks. It'stoo.....i don't know....."humane"?
Your right about the first paragraph, but I dont agree with the second. The damage has already been done when one partner is not happy with the "viewing". Whatever that viewing could be is pretty open, and thats a whole other discussion on trust, fantasy, morals, respect and not crossing the line, addiction etc. I feel that people who have more than just a passing interest in appreciating a good looking person have a problem. Thats just my opinion, because I dont have much of a desire to live in sexual fantasy. In fact, I'll probably never be able to understand the type of guy that is into this. They will probably never change either. Its only right for me to keep on working towards what I find fulfilling in life, and I cant stop because someone has a different take on this, and chooses fantasy and variety. In fact only good has come from my approach. I agree that when you open your world up, you need to be ready, hence the danger. You should know though, that a relationship with a guy like that isnt what people think it is. There can be lots of intimacy, playfulness, love and friendship. So I'm not heartbroken, I just realise that there is a lot that I dont understand, and I'm more confident about throwing all rules out the window.
Saw this and thought of you! LOL... :0)
Anyway, back to the debate:
The damage has already been done when one partner is not happy with the "viewing". Whatever that viewing could be is pretty open, and thats a whole other discussion on trust, fantasy, morals, respect and not crossing the line, addiction etc
I agree. Once a person has communicated to somebody else that they being hurt by that person's behavior...be it "watching porn", an obsession with sports, drinking alcohol, picking their nose (lol), whatever.....and the behavior doesn't STOP ....it is hurtful and damaging.
It's like saying, "I don't care what you think or how much you are hurt by what I'm doing.....I don't see anything "wrong" with it and I will continue."
So...herein lies the problem. A person is doing something (could be ANYTHING) and their s/o...is hurt by it. It really doesn't much matter at this point who is right or who is wrong or what other people think....hurt is hurt.
The only problem I have with your argument is this. I don't think that the "hurt" person SHOULD remain in the relationship and just try to "get back" at the other person by stooping down to the same level or beneath. Don't get me wrong....I've done it or at best fantasized about it when I was young....but that doesn't make it right and I usually ended up feeling crappy about it.
I don't think you would "flirt" with somebody else if you were in a committed relationship. Why would you lower yourself to "flirt" while you are in a committed relationship just to "get back" at your s/o who hurt you? I mean, even if you told your s/o...."Well now...since you won't stop viewing porn I'm now going to flirt whenever I see a guy that looks good..." what do you think his reaction would be to that? Do you think he (your s/o)...will think it's the "same"? Now if you haven't told your s/o that this is your plan...why not?
I totally "get" that this makes you feel better...but that's just temporary relief. The problem is this (and this is just my opinion and I know you'll do what you feel like) but when a person gives up their ethics and scruples...just for the sake of revenge or a temporary fix to their pain.....it's self defeating.
For example: What if I had decided to stay with my first "cheating" husband (because I was still in love with him at the time and there were still great moments) but "give in" to my fantasy of setting him up to find me and a guy in our marriage bed? This isn't something I would normally do. This isn't something I want to be known for and this isn't something I would have wanted my son or my other children to ever "know" about. In fact, if I would have given in to that compulsion...I would be very ashamed right now.
Not only would it go totally against the "me" that makes up "me"...it would be involving another human being. How would I get a guy to just "go along" with something like that...just so I could claim sweet revenge? More then likely I would have to be putting the screws to this totally innocent person as well.
I mean....if you go about the process of "flirting"....what if...just for example...you find somebody else? Flirting could very easily lead to you finding another man. Now this man finds out you are in a committed relationship...so now a certain amount of "real life cheating" will be done by you. Perhaps this could lead to you leaving your current s/o and being with this new man. However, think about this new guy's perception of you.....he met you...while you were in a committed relationship.....FLIRTING and then cheating on your current s/o. How much trust will this new guy have in you?
I mean, I honestly don't think that your justifying your current s/o's porn use to your flirting or eventual cheating...is going to matter much in the long run with a new guy. He'll always view you as a "flirt" and a "cheat".
Just my opinion kid. You know I like you "very much"...and I know you're doing the best you can. :0)
