Topic : Pornography

    
I'm aware of the fact that your evading a question that was asked, but I dont care what you think, and I see the benefit in people not delving into how they feel about things.

    
I never said it was wrong. I find it hard to believe that they are viewed as "mere pixelated images" though.

I find a lot of things that people believe, "hard to believe"...like God, Jesus, Reincarnation, Scientology, that tofu is not delicious....but I don't doubt that people actually believe it.

I don't begrudge people THEIR beliefs...no matter HOW hard I find it to believe.

My irony meter just broke...you owe me a new one.

You mention someone on your show about someone who has a dark secret, and that involves porn and maybe even something more sinister. You ask whether or not you would stay with someone who was keeping secrets or doing porn.

My answer is: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I have experience with both scenarios in my relationship history. I was involved with someone who watched porn, and he even took me to a pornographic theater. It was too painful to be there. It meant he needed much more than I could give him, and he made it clear I never measured up.

I also dated someone who was a heavy marijuana user. He was divorced with two daughters. They were under ten at the time. I asked him repeatedly if his daughters knew about his pot smoking, and he said they knew, but I didn't think to question him further.

Then one day he told me something that led him to leaving my apartment directly the next day, never to see him again. This is what he said to me, word for word, verb for verb:

"My ex-wife and her new husband were smoking marijuana in front of Belinda and Margaret. They were curious, so their mother let them try some. Belinda (age 5 at the time) and Margaret (age 8 at the time) came home high, and I told my ex and her husband to get them to sober up when they got home. Belinda doesn't like marijuana. You see, Margaret and Belinda are very sophisticated.

In order to help Margaret get over the divorce, I have been feeding her marijuana two weeks for a year."

I had been seeing him for four months by that time, and this was the first time I ever heard that! We had an argument about it, and he left the next day.

People were asking me, "What else was he doing with her?" "How else was Fred treating Margaret like an adult?"

Well, I completely understood the question, and the implications behind those questions as well, and I didn't know, but putting two and two together wasn't hard.

Marijuana is a relaxer and and loosens inhibitions. Forgive me for doing your job there, Dr. Phil. A high adult, a high kid, he's a male, she's a female, he wants a creative way to teach the facts of life..

That thought occurred to me too.

What are you talking about?

I think they were saying that there's no room for secrecy and deception in a relationship because of the potential disturbance it can cause in a child's life, as well as uproot the foundation of the relationship.

I don't quite advocate tit for tat. If someone steps on my toes, does stepping on theirs make it better? It does fulfill a level of satisfaction. If someone steps on my toes daily, does stepping on theirs continue to be the solution? No. Because the act of them stepping on my toes has not changed and now I am just as guilty for doing the same thing. The first time was to set a precedent. The other times is ignorance and laziness.

 

Now if I really wanted to change the situation, I would learn how to move my feet fast enough so that they can't step on them - or - make sure if that person was there, keep an eye on them - or - step on theirs first - or - decide not to hang around with someone that likes to step on my toes. That may include physically being unavailable.

 

My husband looked at porn daily - sometimes 2 times a day - there were times that he wouldn't - but since he already set the precedent, I assumed he was looking at it someplace else, strippers, hookers, live phone sex, etc. He set the stage for this himself.  I think what transpired was he had a higher sexual need then I did (and I thought mine was pretty high), heh heh......and he was taking care of it. If I used dildos for the last 30 years of my life, I might be a little perturbed if someone told me to stop. But if they told me to stop and would give me something equally as satisfying, then I would consider giving them up. I think the same thing happens with people that look at porn - that have looked at porn most of their lives.

 

My husband was not going to stop because I was not able to give him what he wanted. I still don't know what that is....btw. But if I decided to become a porn queen, or start my own collection, or flirt intensly, does that change anything? No. But what it does do is prolong the obvious, the truth, the reality.  During my marriage I had little affairs, knowing it was only going to be temporary, a sexual need was being met....like his porn use was supplying to him......did I do better then him in the long run?  No. He has his porn still and I have since cut ties to those affairs. The difference was I knew it was a band aid whereas he sees his usage as a way of life. Affairs are not a way of life for me, :Porn is a way of life for him.

 

I don't regret the affairs, I do regret playing the game of tit for tat. There are only losers - excpet for the porn industry $$$ and the guys that are getting free sex with no attachment. But the two most important people involved, get burnt in the end.  The only way out of a bad situation is to move away from it - then when you are looking at it from an angle that does not create danger, you can better assess the situation and see how big the problem really is and how much danger is involved. Moving away from it completely might be in store. Standing there and trying to fight a force with equal force will only create more force, not healing. The harder one holds onto something hard, the quicker that thing is be lost in our grasp. If we hold it too loose, it will too be lost, but if we hold it lightly, yet  firm , we can hold it for a long time. Thats how relationships are. When they are held lightly, not too hard, not too soft, not too serious, not too non chalant, we can win the battle of temptation and poor choices.

 Hi ,
I'm new to  this board and I feel relieved that I have come across this message board.I discovered that my husband was watching porn on the computer whilst I was at work.The history is always deleted and he's smart enough not to download stuff off the internet.A friend of his fixes computers and takes stuff off other people's hardrives,copies it and gives it out to friends.So,in effect I don't know how often he watches it.I was devastated when coming across it at first as my husband iin our early married life ( 30+ yrs ago) nititally started with just reading Playboy ,then progressed to hardcore porn and going to lunch( sometimes daily ) at the local strip club .He always appeared happy and cheerful as a young man but has progressively .got angrier and more difficult to live with over the years,is now having impotency issues and seems obsessed by youth and beauty.I am in my late 50's and my husband early 60's.I'd rather hoped we would have reached the point in life where we could face old age ,visit family,enjoy our grandson and have more time to develop interests and hobbies .Is this behaviour common as one gets older?I take good care of myself am not overweight .I really don't know how to deal with this as my husband gets angry if I raise the subject and says that all men watch porn and go to  strip bars ,so get over it.He refuses stop his behaviour or  go to a councillor despite being aware how much it is upsetting me.
The problem has been compounded by my developing a chronic disease which may mean I have to undergo a liver transplant in the future.I really need the support of a mature partner during this stressful time and am not sure if I should just shrug the problem off or just get on with the more major problems in my life.I really would appreciate any advice from someone who has gone through this.

Hello! Welcome to the forums!

 

First of all, I'm sorry you're having troubles with your husband right now, and I really hope you won't have to go through a liver transplant operation, that's just more stress I'm sure you don't want or need right now.

 

However, since you and your husband are having problems with porn usage that is hurting your relationship, you might want to go to the other thread, "How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship" (The link to it is at the top of the page) because that one is aimed more for people like you who are having this kind of trouble. This one is more for people who just want to talk about pornography in general. Mainly for people who don't hate it, but aren't addicted to it and such.

 

I'm sure you would be able to find  more people with similar issues as you to help you and give you advice.