Topic : Pornography

 

Hi Sug!

 

I love the picture!!! How do you find them!

 

The only problem I have with your argument is this.  I don't think that the "hurt" person SHOULD remain in the relationship and just try to "get back" at the other person by stooping down to the same level or beneath.

 

I'm not getting back, although I have had the thought about it as "catching up"

 

...."Well now...since you won't stop viewing porn I'm now going to flirt whenever I see a guy that looks good..." what do you think his reaction would be to that?  Do you think he (your s/o)...will think it's the "same"?  Now if you haven't told your s/o that this is your plan...why not?

 

I think your situation was a little different. Nothing like that has happened for me, although I dont see any reason why it shouldnt. There are expectations when you are married. I have those too, although, I'm not married, and I know there will be more freedom until that time. I dont care if he thinks its the same or not. He doesent understand how I feel about his use. So his point of view is irrelevant. Besides, I dont know anything about what goes through his head, and he uses alot more than I do or ever intend too.

 

I totally "get" that this makes you feel better...but that's just temporary relief.  The problem is this (and this is just my opinion and I know you'll do what you feel like) but when a person gives up their ethics and scruples...just for the sake of revenge or a temporary fix to their pain.....it's self defeating.

 

I get what your saying too. I'm just making the game as interesting as I can handle it. The best option would be to call it quits and go after what you really want. I'm just leaving room open for change. From the very beginning, I had an idealistic view of "faithfulness and making the right choice". It hasnt matched with one persons point of view so far, and its logical for me to always do whats in my best interest until there are clear commitments etc. Its pretty stupid to be worrying about doing the moral thing when you are dating someone. I know alot of people fall into that trap, but life just isnt idealistic. Redfeathers said on the other board, that she worried about doing the right thing when whe was dating someone. I say, even in her situation now, I wouldnt be worried about doing the right thing. Instead of assuming you should be in a commited relationship, leave the worry till when you actually get married and thats what you know you are getting.

 

Now this man finds out you are in a committed relationship...so now a certain amount of  "real life cheating" will be done by you.  Perhaps this could lead to you leaving your current s/o and being with this new man.  However, think about this new guy's perception of you.....he met you...while you were in a committed relationship.....FLIRTING and then cheating on your current s/o.  How much trust will this new guy have in you?

 

I have thought about it, just not so much in terms of what they would think of that situation.

 

I mean, I honestly don't think that your justifying your current s/o's porn use to your flirting or eventual cheating...is going to matter much in the long run with a new guy.  He'll always view you as a "flirt" and a "cheat".

 

Point taken, I'll "chew on that one" for a bit ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't quite advocate tit for tat. If someone steps on my toes, does stepping on theirs make it better? It does fulfill a level of satisfaction. If someone steps on my toes daily, does stepping on theirs continue to be the solution? No. Because the act of them stepping on my toes has not changed and now I am just as guilty for doing the same thing. The first time was to set a precedent. The other times is ignorance and laziness.

 

Now if I really wanted to change the situation, I would learn how to move my feet fast enough so that they can't step on them - or - make sure if that person was there, keep an eye on them - or - step on theirs first - or - decide not to hang around with someone that likes to step on my toes. That may include physically being unavailable.

 

My husband looked at porn daily - sometimes 2 times a day - there were times that he wouldn't - but since he already set the precedent, I assumed he was looking at it someplace else, strippers, hookers, live phone sex, etc. He set the stage for this himself.  I think what transpired was he had a higher sexual need then I did (and I thought mine was pretty high), heh heh......and he was taking care of it. If I used dildos for the last 30 years of my life, I might be a little perturbed if someone told me to stop. But if they told me to stop and would give me something equally as satisfying, then I would consider giving them up. I think the same thing happens with people that look at porn - that have looked at porn most of their lives.

 

My husband was not going to stop because I was not able to give him what he wanted. I still don't know what that is....btw. But if I decided to become a porn queen, or start my own collection, or flirt intensly, does that change anything? No. But what it does do is prolong the obvious, the truth, the reality.  During my marriage I had little affairs, knowing it was only going to be temporary, a sexual need was being met....like his porn use was supplying to him......did I do better then him in the long run?  No. He has his porn still and I have since cut ties to those affairs. The difference was I knew it was a band aid whereas he sees his usage as a way of life. Affairs are not a way of life for me, :Porn is a way of life for him.

 

I don't regret the affairs, I do regret playing the game of tit for tat. There are only losers - excpet for the porn industry $$$ and the guys that are getting free sex with no attachment. But the two most important people involved, get burnt in the end.  The only way out of a bad situation is to move away from it - then when you are looking at it from an angle that does not create danger, you can better assess the situation and see how big the problem really is and how much danger is involved. Moving away from it completely might be in store. Standing there and trying to fight a force with equal force will only create more force, not healing. The harder one holds onto something hard, the quicker that thing is be lost in our grasp. If we hold it too loose, it will too be lost, but if we hold it lightly, yet  firm , we can hold it for a long time. Thats how relationships are. When they are held lightly, not too hard, not too soft, not too serious, not too non chalant, we can win the battle of temptation and poor choices.

Hiya Bee!  Glad you liked the picture.  I just love to look at graphics and download them to my machine especially if I find one others would enjoy.

 

 

I think your situation was a little different. Nothing like that has happened for me, although I dont see any reason why it shouldnt.

 

Well yeah, I concede it was vastly different especially because I, for one, don't find porn viewing the same as cheating with a real person.  I find it can be hurtful, as it obviously is for you, simply because FOR YOU it is hurtful.  We could just as easily be discussing heavy sports viewing here.  Now, you may not mind if your s/o watches sports 24 and 7...but for some women this is maddening.  Especially if she's communicated with her s/o that she feels left out and feels he is putting sports before her and/or the children and he seemingly doesn't care how she feels and continues.  A percentage of women feel just as ignored and invalidated when their s/o's spend too much time doing anything instead of considering her needs.

 

LOL...but my cheating first husband was the only thing I could find even remotely comparable to what you are going through and it brought back memories about how I fantasized about how to get "even".  Or what you call "catching up".

 

Its pretty stupid to be worrying about doing the moral thing when you are dating someone. I know alot of people fall into that trap, but life just isnt idealistic

 

I was under the impression that you were living with your young man in some kind of committed relationship.  To me, unless otherwise specified, that is the same as being married except without a legal contract.  Some folks never get married...but for all intents and purposes still follow the rules of a legal marriage.  Are the pair of you just dating?  Or perhaps....you are in a committed relationship without the main stream "rules" and "regulations"....perhaps some kind of "open" relationship?

 

I mean, if this is just a young man you are dating....and/or no "boundaries" have been established, no commitments made to remain faithful.......then by all means "flirt" away.  LOL!

 

I dont care if he thinks its the same or not. He doesent understand how I feel about his use. So his point of view is irrelevant. Besides, I dont know anything about what goes through his head, and he uses alot more than I do or ever intend too.

 

Is it that you've told him how you feel and he doesn't understand?  Or is it that you've never communicated to him how you feel? 

 

Here's the thing Bee.....if you've never told him....then you need to do so.  Seriously.  However, if you've told him...and he is continuing and you are continuing to be with him...then you are giving a silent consent.

 

Now, I hate to use my first cheating husband again because I admit it is vastly different.....but then again consent is consent.  What if, upon my finding out he was cheating, I told him how much it hurt me.....stayed with him in hopes it would "change"  and when it didn't change.....just "flirted" to feel better.....but remained in the relationship?  Hurt is hurt.....you are hurt.  I think....maybe not BUT regardless you are remaining...so you are consenting.

 

First we have to establish this.  Does your s/o "know" you are flirting?  And MOST IMPORTANTLY ...does he know you are flirting as a direct result of his porn use?  Is he even remotely aware (since you've decided to stay with him despite his porn use) how dangerous this is to the relationship?

 

Anyway, I wish the best for you regardless of what you decide to do.  Perhaps this will have a happy ending but, in a way, it breaks my heart to see you straddling the fence.....life is so very short.  Young people never realize it (as I didn't when I was young) and tend to get caught up wasting precious, precious time chasing their tails....they always think getting old is so VERY far away they tend to indulge in what I call "mental masturbation" when they could actually be "living".  As tempting as this is.....I'd hate for you to grow into old age and regret wasting your youth on game playing and temporary fixes. 

 

Certainly leaving your young man will hurt you....but it's like my mother always told me...."better one big hurt and get on with your life and begin to heal....then waste precious years being hurt over and over again without a chance of ever healing".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Hi ,
I'm new to  this board and I feel relieved that I have come across this message board.I discovered that my husband was watching porn on the computer whilst I was at work.The history is always deleted and he's smart enough not to download stuff off the internet.A friend of his fixes computers and takes stuff off other people's hardrives,copies it and gives it out to friends.So,in effect I don't know how often he watches it.I was devastated when coming across it at first as my husband iin our early married life ( 30+ yrs ago) nititally started with just reading Playboy ,then progressed to hardcore porn and going to lunch( sometimes daily ) at the local strip club .He always appeared happy and cheerful as a young man but has progressively .got angrier and more difficult to live with over the years,is now having impotency issues and seems obsessed by youth and beauty.I am in my late 50's and my husband early 60's.I'd rather hoped we would have reached the point in life where we could face old age ,visit family,enjoy our grandson and have more time to develop interests and hobbies .Is this behaviour common as one gets older?I take good care of myself am not overweight .I really don't know how to deal with this as my husband gets angry if I raise the subject and says that all men watch porn and go to  strip bars ,so get over it.He refuses stop his behaviour or  go to a councillor despite being aware how much it is upsetting me.
The problem has been compounded by my developing a chronic disease which may mean I have to undergo a liver transplant in the future.I really need the support of a mature partner during this stressful time and am not sure if I should just shrug the problem off or just get on with the more major problems in my life.I really would appreciate any advice from someone who has gone through this.

Hello! Welcome to the forums!

 

First of all, I'm sorry you're having troubles with your husband right now, and I really hope you won't have to go through a liver transplant operation, that's just more stress I'm sure you don't want or need right now.

 

However, since you and your husband are having problems with porn usage that is hurting your relationship, you might want to go to the other thread, "How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship" (The link to it is at the top of the page) because that one is aimed more for people like you who are having this kind of trouble. This one is more for people who just want to talk about pornography in general. Mainly for people who don't hate it, but aren't addicted to it and such.

 

I'm sure you would be able to find  more people with similar issues as you to help you and give you advice.

I am? What question am I evading that you asked? If anything, it seems like you're the one who doesn't answer questions directly.

 

 

 

I think your husband has been very insensitive of your feelings regarding his porn use for all these years! But because you stay with him despite him viewing porn, it's like you're giving him the green light to keep on using it. I know that you don't approve of what he does, but, you're still with him. Why? How could you stay with a person who hurts you and disrespects you on a continuous basis and has zero regard for your feelings? Answer these questions to yourself and try to figure out why you haven't left him in all of this time to better your life and to find someone who WOULD'VE loved and respected your feelings.

 

Since you've developed a chronic illness, it's like you're stuck there now. Even if you decided to leave him to find happiness elsewhere, how would you be able to pull that off with you being ill? If he hasn't stopped viewing porn in over thirty years, what makes you think he'll ever stop? Good luck with your situation and welcome to the boards! Even though the other board is probably where you should be posting, you can also post over here on this one. But remember that this board is for people who want to discuss pornography and don't necessarily find anything wrong with it.

 

 

sorry for being so scares but I have moved and have no internet! misss u all and i hope you all are fine! love Joline

Heh, just for laguhs, I found yesterday, porn of Thomas the Tank Engine.

 

Ah, how the internet rapes our childhood. But I swear, that was the FUNNIEST thing on the internet I've ever seen. Trains having sex doesn't exactly look like the hottest thing on the block. XD