Topic : Is This Normal Social Discussion

Poopy, I'm feeling very self-absorbed these days, and I don't much like it.  I only seem to talk about myself, and I hate that.  Maybe after Friday (the party) I'll be so tired of talking about myself to people, that I'll refuse to do it ever again.  I've read all of your posts, about Ami being sick, and JP's adventures at work, and Kelly's concern for Mark, and Trace's exhaustion and love, and the things she doesn't feel up to saying, and KAK's political fight... and I don't think I've responded to any of it.  But of course you know, I hope, that I care even when I don't have quite the energy to make a comment or offer some encouragement.  But gee, I have plenty of energy to write about myself!!

Have I mentioned before that when I use my Mom's computer, I have a terrible time, because the letters on about half the keys are worn off from all the typing she does?  I think I'm beginning to get better at it, but it takes a LOT of proofreading.

Today was the day -- it always comes in every visit with my Mom -- when I feel that my daughter and my mother will never be able to get along.  Can you even imagine that Trace?  It's a long story, but good grief, it's exhausting.  Erin does have her issues.  She gets over-stimulated and acts pushy, trying to get some attention or to feel that her opinions are being heard.  Mom gets offended.  Erin goes to bed and Mom gives me an earful about how frustrating Erin's behavior is and how "intimidated" she is by Erin.  Mom's convinced that Erin won't accept anything she cooks and so far has not cooked a meal.  The good part was, that I didn't get so upset as we discussed it tonight.  I just said, "don't be intimidated, do what you do, and if she doesn't like it, say sorry, that's the way it is.  That's what I do at home."  She seemed surprised that I don't or won't admit to cowtowing to Erin's every demand.  It's all just very weird to me.  Mom has no trouble jumping on Erin and telling her not to do something or whatever, but on the other hand, she seems perfectly willing to let Erin get away with anything, and then railing at me about how bossy and demanding she is, and accusing me of spoiling her.  Whatever.  i think things might cool down a bit when we get past this party.  It's a bit stressful on everyone...

Big sigh.  This too shall pass.  After this, we'll go home, and then Erin will be gone for nine days, and I can decompress.  It's really not that I have a problem with Erin.  I think she's special and unique and her passion for almost anything, while it can throw her into the world of "bossy", is a wonderful thing, and she just needs to learn to temper that so that she doesn't run people over in the process.

Oh, a good thing -- Erin has been wanting to learn to play cribbage.  Although I used to play, I could remember absolutely nothing about the rules of the game.  Mom remembered a lot, but not everything and we also had Hoyle's so we could begin to review the rules.  Cribbage is pretty complicated, but Erin did a great job picking it up, laughing at all of our corrections to the rules as we went along, and really showed that she could be good at it.  it was a fun time for all of us.  Next up is to teach Nana how to play Backgammon, which I recently taught to Erin.

Ami, you and I have talked before about our mothers, so I KNOW you understand.  I really appreciate just knowing that.

Poopy, I'm feeling very self-absorbed these days, and I don't much like it.  I only seem to talk about myself, and I hate that.  Maybe after Friday (the party) I'll be so tired of talking about myself to people, that I'll refuse to do it ever again.  I've read all of your posts, about Ami being sick, and JP's adventures at work, and Kelly's concern for Mark, and Trace's exhaustion and love, and the things she doesn't feel up to saying, and KAK's political fight... and I don't think I've responded to any of it.  But of course you know, I hope, that I care even when I don't have quite the energy to make a comment or offer some encouragement.  But gee, I have plenty of energy to write about myself!!

Have I mentioned before that when I use my Mom's computer, I have a terrible time, because the letters on about half the keys are worn off from all the typing she does?  I think I'm beginning to get better at it, but it takes a LOT of proofreading.

Today was the day -- it always comes in every visit with my Mom -- when I feel that my daughter and my mother will never be able to get along.  Can you even imagine that Trace?  It's a long story, but good grief, it's exhausting.  Erin does have her issues.  She gets over-stimulated and acts pushy, trying to get some attention or to feel that her opinions are being heard.  Mom gets offended.  Erin goes to bed and Mom gives me an earful about how frustrating Erin's behavior is and how "intimidated" she is by Erin.  Mom's convinced that Erin won't accept anything she cooks and so far has not cooked a meal.  The good part was, that I didn't get so upset as we discussed it tonight.  I just said, "don't be intimidated, do what you do, and if she doesn't like it, say sorry, that's the way it is.  That's what I do at home."  She seemed surprised that I don't or won't admit to cowtowing to Erin's every demand.  It's all just very weird to me.  Mom has no trouble jumping on Erin and telling her not to do something or whatever, but on the other hand, she seems perfectly willing to let Erin get away with anything, and then railing at me about how bossy and demanding she is, and accusing me of spoiling her.  Whatever.  i think things might cool down a bit when we get past this party.  It's a bit stressful on everyone...

Big sigh.  This too shall pass.  After this, we'll go home, and then Erin will be gone for nine days, and I can decompress.  It's really not that I have a problem with Erin.  I think she's special and unique and her passion for almost anything, while it can throw her into the world of "bossy", is a wonderful thing, and she just needs to learn to temper that so that she doesn't run people over in the process.

Oh, a good thing -- Erin has been wanting to learn to play cribbage.  Although I used to play, I could remember absolutely nothing about the rules of the game.  Mom remembered a lot, but not everything and we also had Hoyle's so we could begin to review the rules.  Cribbage is pretty complicated, but Erin did a great job picking it up, laughing at all of our corrections to the rules as we went along, and really showed that she could be good at it.  it was a fun time for all of us.  Next up is to teach Nana how to play Backgammon, which I recently taught to Erin.

Ami, you and I have talked before about our mothers, so I KNOW you understand.  I really appreciate just knowing that.

Hon, if you can't talk about you kinda what is the point? LOL Of course you should talk about you, we have wide shoulders for a reason silly goose! I can talk the weather to anyone, I can only talk about me to people I care about, who I know care about me. Voila` here we are Neecie!!!! So no worries at all. =P

You would think your mom would get used to Erin since this sort of thing happens nearly everytime they are together. I wonder, I don't recall you mentioning it when your mom was at your house though. Did they conflict there? I am just wondering if it is a territorial thing possibly? Along with just a personality blip.

My mother early on used to relish in telling me how I didn't discipline my kids enough, that I should let them get away with so much, that they talked to me disrespectfully, yadayada yada. I never understood the need for people to 'inform' me of my parenting mistakes. I cannot recall a day that I had the kahonees to tell someone out of the blue what their parenting mistakes were. If I ever do that to my children I want someone to pop me quick.

I think your mother like my mother is easily annoyed or perhaps is on edge when there are people in her home. My mom tends to magnify each little thing that doesn't meet her approval or understanding. She doesn't understand me letting my children have what is very close to an equal voice in the growing up. She has always thought it was wrong for me to give them that much control in their lives. They make their decisions for the most part, and right or wrong they have to deal and learn from them. I had the horrible fear of mama's boys....the urban myth that boys raised by single mom's are mama's boys just chaps my backside. Anyway I gave them too much voice according to my mom.

I know that you give Erin a lot of 'voice' in her life. That just isn't your mom and my mom's generation. It's a generation gap issue imo. Funny thing is it is likely your mom and Erin may be a like in many ways thus enters conflict also.  You are right tell your mom to do what she wants and stop worrying about if Erin will like it or not. She is allowed to not like something. Your mom is allowed to be free to do what she wants without fear of Erin disapproval. A situation that to me warrants no apologies from anyone. So what, someone doesn't like something. That's life and we can all be happy regardless. Erin has to learn that there will be lots of things in life she doesn't like, she also has to know the world doesn't tiptoe around her because it is Erin. I can't understand your mom worrying so, did she worry if you didn't like something when you were growing up? LOL I bet I know that answer without asking. ;)

Grandmas and grandchildren are funny critters. My mom lets my boys do things I would have gotten a thrashing for. Yet she used to criticize how I parented. Go figure. O.o

The gaming sounds like much fun! I never learned cribbage, and once upon a time knew how to play backgammon but couldn't begin to remember now. We were always canasta fans and played a lot of canasta when visiting relatives. I miss that, many good times when I was a kid! I always loved gaming with my great aunts and uncles and my mammaw. It made me feel so grown up and they treated me like I was. It was very special indeed. =)

You know if you lived there permanently they would all find their comfortable place, I think it is the temporary nature of visiting that creates some tension all on it's own. You are right this too shall pass. Embrace the fun, blow off the rest. =D

Hugs,

~Ami

xoxox

I just wanted to pop in and give a huge shout out to you all.  I have had a chance to read all the posts....whew!!!

I am wishing I had the time to be on here more, so I could feel a little more connected to everyone.  Right now I'm feeling "out of the loop".  I hate it.

Anyways, enough about that.

JP - love your emails....dont stop!!!

Ami - gee, get better already!!! 

Trace - keep those stories alive.  I love "sun scream"  my girls say the same thing..lmao.

Loretta - thanks for your story on your honeymoon.  I'm a big believer on not spending all that $$$ when you first marry and wish later you had bought that farmhouse.

KAK - keep up with the "kicking ass"

Kelly - Sorry its late, but a big Happy Birthday to Stephanie from our family.

Neecie - this is where you can talk about me me me me...if someone doesn't want to read it..they don't have to.  But I want to read it.  The ones that don't can get stuffed.  I truly hope it does work itself out.  Your mom needs to be an adult and well Erin is still a child.  jmo

Anyways, love to you all.

Next week Ron, the girls, and I are heading to Calgary for a short visit.  I haven't been there since I left in 2000.......should be interesting.  Having my old friends meet my children and my husband!!

Hugs

Vicki

Have I told you how much I appreciate your posts?  Somehow you make things feel good and right.

Trace.

Me, me, me is definitely a given.  We're all going through stuff and hell knows I am so glad we have this board to talk about it.

Mothers, exhaustion and love.  Now there's a good title for a column!  Perhaps we should take it one step further and call it "Breaking the Cycle".  How to learn from and not repeat mistakes.

Take it from me, our own mothers are probably a little too old and set in their ways to change.  But we're not. Perhaps we just have to understand and forgive.  And set our own paths for our children and grandchildren.

I must admit though, there are days when I wonder if I should start dipping into my daughter's Prozac!

Love ya Neecie.  Be strong.  If it gets to be too much, well I can always send your mother some of cookbooks...

Trace. 

Well, not really, I'm still going to talk about myself! ;-)  Ami, this has also happened when Mom has visited us.  Not so much during most of the visits since my diagnosis, but the last time (middle of June) she had a meltdown about Erin's eating habits.  You know, Mac and Cheese all the time.  Whatever.  I think I've said this before and I know it seems crazy, but it seems like Mom almost just doesn't like Erin.  She would prefer to be spending all her time only with me.  *I* can do no wrong, I'm beautiful and smart, and a "Poster Girl for Breast Cancer".  She compliments Erin as well, and brags on her to all her friends, but when they're together, I just sort of hold my breath.  Sometimes Ok, and sometimes, nothing but criticism.  And you better bet, that Erin recognizes that, because she starts out being affectionate with Mom, but pretty soon, she just stays away if she can.  One of these days, I expect Erin to put her foot down and say, "I won't go to California!"  It's really too bad. I think Mom may find that one day she just doesn't have a relationship with Erin, and I'm not sure that I can do anything about it.

In other news, I just learned that a friend of mine from church, and one of Erin's past Sunday School teachers, has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  Poop.  I'm very sad for her, and I keep wondering why it is, that it's the women who are close to Erin that seem to have such dire health problems (her godmother, her piano teacher, her mother, now a SS teacher she's close to).  But I can't help feeling not too concerned.  It's awful for anyone to go through it, but I know the road and I know she can do it.  And of course, I'll do anything to help her through it.

Back to the Mom thing for a final thought.  I think there's one thing that's good.  To some degree, I'm putting away my stress over all this, and it's a stress I've been dealing with for years.  But, I'm going to raise Erin the best way I can.  Erin is a joy and a challenge, and I definitely need to teach her how to interact successfully with people, without reigning in too much on her passion and exuberance for life.  I have to tell Mom, I'm handling it, don't get so uptight about it and don't be so easy to get your feelings hurt.  And in the end, their relationship will be what it is, and I can't force either of them to get along.  If Erin decides as she grows up, that she doesn't want to spend time with Nana, then I probably can't fix that.  But I'm just going to do my best to take care of Erin the best I can, and not stress.  And I feel that's what I'm doing this trip.  I'm anxious to be home, and I'm counting the days.

I just hope that I'll get along with my granddaughter.  Oh shoot, I just hope I live long enough to meer her....

That's the spirit Neecie. You are right, you know, whatever and whoever Erin is going to be she is going to be and your mom can either choose to accept that or not. If not then you know full well Erin will travel a path with little of Nana involved. That is just how it goes. I think Trace is right Nana isn't likely to change. Though I guess it is possible for an old dog to at least see a new trick. Erin is a new trick, Nana can either shun her or enjoy her. It really is her choice. Erin will follow Erin's path.

It is interesting though. I find more often than not, grand children and grand parents think more alike than children and parents. No matter, you are doing what you need to do and that is the main thing. No more stressing over something you really can't control anyway. Like I said, it's going to be what it is going to be. You are just stuck and going to have to be there for each of them in their own way. They will figure out their borders and boundaries just as you have with each of them where you are concerned. It's all pretty amazing when you think about it.

I'm sorry to hear another person in Erin's life is dealing with cancer too. I think sometimes Raj is overwhelmed with how many people in his life are dealing with cancer. His boss/company owner just died last week with CLL (luekemia) and his best friend (the one who loaned him a couch for six weeks when he couldn't live here) was just diagnosed with hep C related liver cancer. Raj said the other day that "everyone he loves has or is dealing with cancer". He was really down about it. But as I told him when you realize that over 10 million Americans are dealing with some form of cancer, well it is likely that each of us will know at least one person who is dealing with it. The numbers are just so many.

My group at the hospital is dwindling in some respects. We have lost another member recently and have two more who are in very bad shape with third and fourth round recurrences. This is when it gets pretty scary for all of us. But it is also a large of the survivor mentality. We have to realize that some people do die from cancer....and some don't. And we really have no control over who does and who doesn't. Medicine is an art....not a science. A practice....so there are just no guarantees at all.

Raj's dispare has worried me. I hate that Erin is so young to be surrounded by so much, and yet it is perhaps a better lesson than getting to Raj's age and not having to deal with the facts of life (and death) until now. He is not handling it well....he has not been prepared through his life to deal with such loses. I have. I lost both my grandparents to cancer and I nursed both of them too. So it wasn't a foriegn concept to me. It is to him.

His best friend has hinted that he wants to live with us during his treatments. We are closer to the hospital than he is. I am very uncomfortable with this idea. I don't need hep C in my house. I have a crappy immune system and I just don't feel I can risk that, though I know it is strictly blood born transmittal. Still, I'm not comfortable. Raj isn't either. Yet it feels terrible not to offer. I hate this. He has no money, no insurance, and is dying....that is the facts of it. Without a liver transplant the best he can hope for is maintenance chemo. Now lots of people live on chemo treatments to maintain life, much like dialysis, that would be him. There is no cure, only maintenance. So what if he gets worse? Does that mean me taking care of him? Uh, I can't do that.  It is such a messed up situation. And I feel guilty. Surivor's guilt. Also a very real issue when dealing with cancer and others who have cancer.

Bah, didn't mean to unload. It is just so stressful. Having cancer and trying to hold yourself up and all those well meaning peoples around you too. I am in need of sleep....can't ya tell? =P

Huggles,

~Ami

xoxox

How do you not but the bigger picture how da hell do you?! Let his friend stay? My ex and I knew all of the time that our relationship was not stable and holding on was a really big thing and we "knew" no way in hell could anyone ever live with us. You sorta have that with Raj and then it's his very best friend so how can you not? And you feel like crap most of the time and you know what stress does to you so how can you? Ya know what? I think Ami needs to take care of Ami. There is no way this is gonna work to your benefit. And I'm not talking about  anything other than your mental, emotional, phsycial health. In that order. You need to do what you need to do for Ami.

It is absolutely horrible that his friend has to go thru that situation. "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it."  Wish you were healthy sweeite, and I know if that were the case, he'd be welcomed, but real is real and you just don't have it in  you. Even Raj doesn't like the idea. So. Given all that maybe put your heads together and see what the alternatives are.

*hugs*