Topic : Is This Normal Social Discussion

You have to take care of you. I know that I know more about your situation and it screams to me NO!!!!! You can not do this. You are not physically able to handle what this will do to you. It truely is as simple as that. I know you have grounded me many times in these yrs and you absolutely have to hear me roar DON'T DO IT! Now you have "the excuse". I know you. You can not, can not, can not do this. It will kill you. Rob got himself in this situation and Rob needs to figure this out. You guys are his only hope, but when he finds out it isn't an option he has to decide what the other thing is. It's his drama, that he created for himself, and you guys don't need to go down that road with him. "you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." Remember that. You more than any other person I know has to take care of Ami. Period. End of conversation. You without Raj in the picture (which of course in more than you should be handleing) can not, can not handle this. If you were healthy of course. But you aren't Ami and that's the real of this. Do not, do not, do not do this.

And of course I'm here for you when you do.......

You are right, though my conscience is being rather beastly to me over it. Good Samaratin is deep ingrained in me and always has been. I always, always want to stop and help people on the road....my family always wails for me not to so I never do. But it never fails that I want to stop.

You are right, I just cannot do this. And I will have to be the scape goat in this too. Raj told me today that Rob is calling him everyday now and dropping hints like mad. He sees his doc tomorrow to get started on treatments.  It is putting a lot of pressure on Raj, but I feel certain he is not going to let him come live with us. He will use my health as the excuse too. But I can hear Rob saying, "I can help her out". This is just painful all the way around. We care a lot about him, we really do. And Lord knows he helped Raj in hour of need, (though he is the one who told me I was stupid to call the law....blah, blah, blah.) I told him to blow it our his arse. lol That is the type relationship we have, no tiptoeing here. =P  Except for this, because it is very hard to come right out and say 'no' to this.

We have a finished basement that is complete with full bathroom...that no one is using except for storage. He knows this. That is one reason it feels really selfish to say no.

*sigh* I guess we just have to wait and see what type of chemo it is and what it entails. If he just needs an overnight occassionally that is one thing, but full time living is something else. What is it Kak says *heavy, heavy sigh*

Hugs,

~ami

xoxox

Sigh...

I feel for you.  And while I don't want to talk about me... oh what the hell.  I've had years of experience taking in "strays"  because I thought no one else could help.  When I was younger and healthier and working full-time, alot of the neighbourhood kids would stay in our house because their mothers couldn't deal with them.  One woman actually sent over her ten-year-old with a cheque for fifty bucks and a note that said, "I can't handle him and will be going away for awhile.  I know he'll be okay with you."

My husband at the time and I went to court to get temporary custody of a thirteen-year-old who was sleeping on the streets because her mother was on drugs and had too many boyfriends and didn't want her around.  There are many, many other stories. Years later I know that some of those kids didn't turn out too well despite my half-assed efforts.  And others - well I get Mother's Day cards from them every year.  They have their own kids now.

You would not believe what my house was like then.  Kids everywhere.  We'd hold "kitchen talks" at night.  Sit on the floor and just be goofy.  One of them taught me how to stand on my head and drink water upside down because I got the hiccups from laughing.  My husband and I put up a tent in the backyard so they could feel like they were camping out.

And all this, while I also had thirteen cats (all strays - who just happened to show up at our doorstep one at a time)  One little guy limped up with a broken hip.  We called him Wonky.  Our food and vet bills were horrendous!  But it was okay because not only was I making good money then, but in some way we were helping and it was fun.

Now, years later I'm not physically well, alone and can't work so my brother buys me a home so I don't have to worry and can have some peace.  And what happens?  My daughter goes through hell and she and my grandaughter have been living with me for a year and a half.  They are not strays and I love them more than you can imagine.  But it's stressful and takes a toll on my health.  There are days when I think I'm going to break.

My brother, who is a very wise man tells me that he never doubted my ability to bounce back mentally, but he's afraid for what the stress is doing to me physically.  If I "pop off" ... I'll be of no use to anyone.  And that would be a damned shame.

So my friend - I take care of me and my daughter and MJ.  That's important.  What I have also learned is that if you ever have second thoughts about what you should do - then you probably shouldn't do it.

Be good and kind to yourself.

Love ya.

Trace. 

To all: I think our moderator may be our old friend Donna.  I'm not sure, but if I'm wrong, I'm also pretty sure they won't mind if we play like it's Donna.  ;-)  Just keep in mind that IF IT IS Donna, she is not allowed to respond to personal messages.

I choose to believe that Donna is back with us - so thank you Donna for bringing our bluebird back to us!!

Could be.  Ami, it took a while for what you said to sink in -- I'm "giving Erin a voice."  but today, which was a much better day by the way) I realized that Mom never gave me a voice.  Maybe it was because I was an only child, or maybe it was a generational thing, as you say.  But I believe I've spent most of my life learning to anticipate what I need to say and do, in order to keep her happy.  And I've gotten pretty good at it, which is kinda sad, isn't it?  I know that I moved to Colorado, and stayed there, in order to put some distance between us, and in that time I believe I've found my voice.  But not with her.  And Erin hasn't had much of that learning at all.  I DO give her a voice, I let her make some decisions, I value her opinion and her emotions.  And when we visit with Mom, I lose my voice and Erin speaks hers and often gets criticized for it.  Last year, my cousin advised me - "don't tell Erin how to stay on Nana's good side. Let her speak her mind.  She's going to have to figure it out for herself."

I can understand all that, but I don't know quite what to do about it.  As I said last night, I plan to continue raising Erin in the way that feels best to me.  As for the conflict between them?  There's no doubt that I am just plain in the middle, and somehow the best thing will be to remove myself from that position.  I know that I should probably make a belated stab at finding MY voice with my Mom, but honestly, I don't know how to do that.  I really am not sure that it's possible for me to unlearn something that's taken me 47 years to figure out.  But, if I find that's what I have to do to protect Erin and be a good example for her, I will find a way to do it.  Might take some counseling down the road...

Loretta, thanks for your Mom story.  I know that lots of people have relationship problems with family members, and it causes a lot of pain.  To be honest, sometimes I wish that Mom were out of my life, too and I could concentrate my love and attention on my Dad and Stepmom.  Terrible thing to say, I know, but I'm being honest here.

Ami, I agree with the others.  One way or another, you have to look out for yourself and your family.  A friend I had lunch with yesterday, her mom is going through a second round of chemo for a recurrance.  Susanne apologized for not getting in touch with me sooner, but said that she has found that with her Mom going through it, she actually has less motivation to throw her support to others going through the same thing.  A neighbor recently asked her for a very inconvenient favor late one night and Susanne said no, she couldn't do it.  She felt awful, but I told her, when a person is sick, everyone steps in at exactly the right moment to help.  And it probably wasn't the right thing, or Susanne wasn't the right person, to help in that instance.  It feels awful to turn down someone's request for help, but there are no accidents and everything always does work out as it's supposed to.  I feel very strongly about that.

Ok, I gotta quit.  I need to write an e-mail to my newly diagnosed friend, and this keyboard is driving me nuts.  We really did have a much better day today, and we're glad to have 99% of the shopping done.  Tomorrow we start the food prep as well as getting the house ready.  Mom says I must take a nap tomorrow and I'm good with that!  :D  The party will be fun, but I'll be glad when it's over.

Not that that's a bad thing guys. Ami needs us to be her rock right now cos she's so darn nice! Ami do you see how hard just saying no to this is on you? Fathom him living there and magnify it ten fold. You're doing the right thing and you need to let your conscious know it's what you need to do and stop the chatter in that head of yours. Take a deep breath and let it go sweetie.

I sure hope he's not the type of guy that says ok to overnite stays and drags it out. He seems like that kind of guy. He's married and brings all these women to your house and then brings his wife like it's no big deal? Dragging it out could be no big deal too. So keep an eye on it. I've had family members live with me numerous times and they wouldn't flippin leave when it was time. Ever!  Why the hell should they when it was so cheap and they had no responsiblities? And I have a sister that has the same thing and it drives a healthy person crazy. Imagine what it will do to you. Just watch for it.

Trace another wonderful story about your life. You are such an incredible person and one more time I am in awe of you!

Yippee!!!

Bluebird is back!!!

It's a bad habit, and I apologize if I do it and it annoys you. Believe me, you are not the only one! LOL

I usually try not to edit spelling, etc, but I cannot let emails pass through that are false -- I verify anything that sounds "funky" through snopes.com and I am very sorry, but I INSIST that others do the same thing. There's enough misinformation floating around and I try to stamp it out. Can't help myself.

If I get too annoying - feel free to tell me so! HITYL? Love you Janetpoo!!!!

Are you saying Ami should not open her home to this fellow with Hep C?

Just wanted to clarify...   ;-D

kak