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Topic : 11/29 Out of the Doghouse

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Created on : Tuesday, November 21, 2006, 02:23:14 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
Do you believe the saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater"? Or can a two-timing womanizer change his ways for good? When Dyson last spoke with Dr. Phil, he stormed off stage after his wife, Rebecca, learned the truth about his recent affairs, just eight months after their wedding. Now, Dyson is back, ready to stay seated and learn how he can change his behavior, get out of the dog house and save his marriage. Then, Corey had the courage to face his revenge-seeking ex-girlfriend the last time he was on the show, but was unprepared for how the public and local media would respond to his story. Corey says his job as a firefighter was made more difficult when his dating behavior made the front page news. Now, Corey returns to show people that there's a whole lot more to him than his dating mistakes. Is it enough to save his reputation? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

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December 8, 2006, 11:32 am CST

The Seven Decisions to Make Everything Better

Quote From: missboon

My husband cheated on me n March of this year.  It has been the most difficult obstacle to overcome.  We are in counseling, but I have no idea if I can ever get over this.  I have lost all confidence in myself.  I obssess over the betrayal.  Sometimes I can't turn off my mind from thinking about it.  Even certain music brings back very vivid, disgusting memories of that time period.  I am afraid to try to work out things and I'm afraid not to try.  I almost feel as though I have PTSD, because I did suffer an emotional breakdown.  Everyone seems to say that "once a cheater, always a cheater."  If I believe that, my marriage has no chance and I'm wasting time and effort for nothing.  I am starting to believe that things will never be the same.  I am truly afraid that if he cheats again, I won't survive it emotionaly or physically.  Along with that emotional breakdown I lost so much weight....from a size 12 to a size 0...40 pounds.  The stress is affecting me physically.  He says he's sorry.  But he's not as sorry as I think he should be.  If I had hurt him the way he hurt me, I'd spend the rest of my life making it up to him.  He tried hard to make it up to me for about 6 months, but now he says I have to get past it.  Sorry to rant...I feel like a shell of a person!

I found an article in November 2005 Good Housekeeping Magazine from Dr. Phil.  It was about The Seven Decisions to Make Everything Better.  In the article Robin is quoted as saying "If you’re going to be around me, you're going to act a certain way, and this is how it is going to be."   Dr. Phil goes on to say "I think it's tremendously troubling that many women feel unable to stand up for themselves like that."  When I read that, I just thought they are absolutely correct.  I have never been able to stand up for myself, especially to my husband, even though I tell my friends, family, children, and heck perfect strangers to do that very thing.  My husband is so like Dyson’s personality profile but I have my faults too.  All I can tell you is I was caught up in a cycle of complaining about him to everyone or anyone that would listen (feel sorry for me I’m stuck in a bad relationship).  It was my only topic of conversation. My one sister won't even talk to me about him.  She told me "you can always get a new husband but your kids are getting seriously mislead on how to be treated and how to treat others."  I became obsessed with talking about all the crappy things he had done to me (which I allowed) over the past 16 plus years.  We tried counseling, professional and clergy, on and off, over an 8 year period of time.  All I did was cling to the good that I saw in him when I married him and make excuses for his bad behavior (he works hard, he is tired, and no to mention he has a lot of physical health issues).  It wasn't until I started watching and reading Dr. Phil that my mouth stopped running and my eyes and ears opened up.  I didn't need anybody but myself to get this mess straightened up.  I would always tell people if you don't fix it in this relationship you will fall right into the same mess in another one. So why couldn’t I follow my own advice? Well when I finally started talking to him about how his type of behavior makes me feel.  How his behavior sends a message that he doesn't do what he says like love, honor and cherish he does what he wants, like cheat, drink too much, spend money selfishly, no mater who’s feelings get hurt or needs dental work or new shoes.  After all, I knew I was going to have some type of relationship with my husband for the rest of my life so it may as well be one that was going to work for me.  I decided I didn’t want to get divorced I wanted to get it right. 

 

So now for the seven decisions from Dr. Phil:

 

Make the decision-There are two kinds, Daily decisions (what’s for dinner) and Life decisions (shall I cheat on my spouse).  This is first on the list because you need to make the life decisions that count, and your well being is going to become a priority.

 

Ask the tough questions-If you want to change your life the first person you have to stand up for is yourself. What is important to me?  If women really ask themselves if they are being treated the way they would choose, then the can start to make the real change (because he loves you is it OK for him to treat you like crap?).

 

Create your own happiness-Be aware that you create your own environment.  If you have spent years accepting inattention, you have elicited, maintained, or allowed that.  So you have some ownership in this. You've got to declare a new day. Choose the things that you'd like to do and do them (why not he does).

 

Prepare to negotiate-There are three very specific things you need to do when you start talking to your spouse or anyone else about making a change. Do not do it during a fight, pick your battles (no more than three) and be spring loaded to compliment, reward, and reinforce efforts on your partner's part to make a change (if you’re going to tell him what upsets you it’s a good idea to tell him what makes you happy too).

 

Work it till it works-You have to be relentless in the ascertaining of your rights (don't stop until he gets it). You’re not going to just sit by and let that happen (a deal breaker).  The people in your life have to be able to predict the consequences of their action with 100 percent accuracy (this has worked wonderfully on my teenage boy). So you have to be very consistent in what you do.  Calmly say I want you to understand what message that sends to me.  When you do that, what it says to me is that I don't count, that I'm not worthy of your time and attention, and that you're not willing to do what you say you're going to do.  He needs to know that when he does something that goes against what you two have agreed on (this was my mistake we never planned out an agreement) he is sending you a specific message and that you will respond accordingly.  If you explain your feelings that way, it's tougher to ignore. 

 

Don't weaken you resolve-Even if you have the greatest support system in the world, the toughest fight will be yourself.  (I was always so nice to everybody but me.  I took care of everybody but me.  I stood up for everybody but me.  I blamed myself for everything he did that hurt me.)

 

Assert yourself-There are so many ways in which women need to put themselves first in their relationships with others. But there are also smaller, daily situations in which you can't be afraid to stand up for yourself (a rude waiter, a person cutting you off in line, etc.).  Remember aggressiveness is when you protect your rights without consideration for someone else's; assertiveness is when you protect your rights with full consideration for someone else's. Women have a real aversion to confrontation, but a little kindness-and confidence-can go a long way toward getting you what you want.

 

Anyway, I started working these steps just recently.  I have opened up all the financial decisions to be made together (this put an end to his selfish spending).   No more hiding anything (that was my big problem).  I tell him everything but not blast him when he hits the door.  I tell him that I need to talk to him in private and that is what we do.  I tell him when he comes up with ideas that it something we need to discuss.  I tell him I have and idea that I want to discuss.  Whether it is financial, parenting, emotional, or whatever, we have to discuss it as a team.  I told him, to spite all the wrong that either one of has committed in this marriage, there isn’t one reason why we can’t forgive each other and move on.  If he or I do something to break the agreement (very important to get the agreement) than we better be expecting to suffer the consequences (DUI, bankruptcy, divorce, STD’s just to name a few).  We have a job to raise responsible thinking children that will become responsible thinking adults even if we don’t stay married.  We want our kids to have the healthiest upbringing we can give them and we set the example in our daily behavior (neither has been stellar so far).  It starts with mental health and then it goes onto physical.  We are both planning on getting checked out emotionally for our knowledge and for our children’s (dysfunctional behavior runs in both our families).  People tend not to treat chemical imbalances in the brain as an illness.  Well I have seen too many families ignore the signs and symptoms of depression, anxiety and bi-polar disorder (signs of bipolar disorder can include: socially inappropriate behavior, inappropriate spending, grandiose and unregulated ambition, sexual promiscuity, more likely to abuse drugs) and wind up on a 12 step program.  If I were a diabetic I would not hesitate to take insulin and get as much help as was available.  Why should mental illness be treated any other way?  Now we are planning for a retirement, vacations and college funds, scaling down to live below our means (we have enough stuff).  We are becoming each others best friend and putting all the past behind us.  This is the new team and we are bigger and better than we were before, we are getting excited about our lives together.  Do I wish all this crap hadn’t happen?  You bet.  But the reality is it did and I am not going to continue this cycle.  It will end with us, no matter what our parents did or didn’t do.  The dysfunctional train has hit the last stop.  So keep up your faith in God and keep working the seven steps.  Acceptance is the main priority in any relationship, especially accepting yourself for who you are as an individual not half of a couple. If you wouldn’t accept living in a polluted environment than clean it up or get out.  Make your choice after working the seven steps and don’t look back.  It has to be right for you not what your sister or co-worker did.  Re-read the steps often and remember trying is the first step to failure.  You have to work it until it works.

 
December 20, 2006, 10:09 pm CST

True!

Yes, it's true! Once a cheater, always a cheater! I dated this guy for three years who blamed his cheating on our culture allowing men to have more than one wife. I left him, and he's still cheating on the girl he's with now. Turns out his father did the same thing to his mother, and at age 50, he's still cheating on the woman he's now living with. Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.!

 

Shwarty

South Africa.

 
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