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Topic : 11/30 Spoiled and Entitled

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Created on : Tuesday, November 21, 2006, 02:25:13 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
It's holiday time again, and parents everywhere are figuring out how they're going to afford what's on their kids' Christmas list. Theresa is a single mother who is extremely stressed out because she says her 17-year-old daughter, Bailie, is spoiled. Bailie expects her mom to buy her new clothes, a computer, purses -- much more than Theresa can afford. Theresa says that Bailie even leaves notes around the house saying, "Clean my room!" How has Theresa, who's unemployed, been able to keep up with Bailie's demands? She reveals a dark secret that she's been keeping from everyone, including Bailie. And what does Bailie want most from her mom that she's never gotten? Then, 24-year-old Katie says that she's always been handed everything she wants, and if she doesn't get her way, she begs and whines to get her dad to foot the bill. He still pays for her gas, insurance, furniture and clothing. Now, Katie says her 4-year-old daughter is growing up to be just like her, and it's Grandpa’s fault. Plus, Dr. Phil and Robin have signed on to be the national spokespeople for Toys for Tots. To kick off this year's holiday toy drive, they head to Texas Motor Speedway to cheer on the UPS Store/Toys for Tots racing team. Talk about the show here.

Find out what happened on the show.

More November 2006 Show Boards.


 
watkinsgal
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November 30, 2006, 5:01 pm PST

Spoilt Rotten

 I thoroughly enjoyed the show Spoiled and Entitled.  My 14 year old has a friend that gets everything that she wants. If my daughter saves up money to buy something special like a designer bag, this girls mother will turn around and buy her daughter 3 designer bags just to prove that she has more money.  This has caused many unhappy times in our household because this child gets everything that she want and more. In our household we have a deal that we will pay out what we will normally pay on a piece of clothing or purse and the rest is up to her to come up with if it's that important to her. I feel so bad for the spoilt child that is being taught that its what you have that's important, not that who you are and how you treat other people.  We have many discussions in our household when that green eyed envious monster rears its head. We have something that the spoilt little girl lacks. We have communication, love, affection and understanding. You can't put a price tag on that.
 
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pjmouse
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November 30, 2006, 5:32 pm PST

"spoiled my son rotten" in all the right ways

 Yup, I admit it! I spoiled my son! From the moment he was born and I fell hopelessly in love with him, I gave him everything he needed! I gave him unconditional love, moral guidance, respect, empathy and attention. By doing this, he learned how to give the same. Raising this child has been nothing but a joy.

We gave him the material things he wanted when we could, when we couldn't, he understood, because he knew how much we loved him and wished we could make all his 'dreams' come true. When he was very young and saw something in a store that he wanted, but wasn't in the budget, I'd tell him that I would like to buy it for him , but that we just couldn't afford it. I'd point out some things that I would like to have but couldn't aford either. He never pitched a fit in a store because of something he couldn't have.

Someone wrote in here that they sat the kids down when they were about 8 years old and explained the family finances, and they were responded to with something like "that is way beyond a child's comprehension", I disagree. Children are much more capable then adults of learning, they really get this stuff, if someone bothers to explain it. IE: we only have so much money each month, we have to pay for home, food, clothes...and only so much is left over...you would be suprised how bright kids are if you give them a chance!

My son is 19 years old now, and from the day he was born till now, he has been a real joy to the adults in his life. He's always been one of those kids that people like to have around. He can be a pain in my butt, because he has a wicked sense of humor and can zing me unexpectedly and often!

He is in his freshman year of college, on scholarships and grants, because he knew a college education was not something we could just hand him and that he would have to find a way to earn it for himslf. He graduated High School with Honors, and as a  member of the National Honor Society.

So my advice is to absolutely 'spoil' your children with all the love and understanding you can possibly give! Think back to when you were a child and what you wished you had, (I doubt it was more possesions) and 'spoil' your child with it!
 
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ceildh1
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November 30, 2006, 5:47 pm PST

11/30 Spoiled and Entitled

Quote From: momisme2

Sick and tired of those!  Every dang year its some new game system costing an arm and a leg.  This year its the new Nintendo Wii system, Playstation3, and some stupid DSlite thing.  How do I know all of this?  Cus I have kids!  *rolling eyes*

 

I have to admit that during the holidays I do want to give my kids what they want.  I dont know many moms who dont feel that way.   But for Heaven sakes!  If I bought the 2 systems my oldest kids wanted, it would cost me over 600 bucks for TWO GIFTS!  Just dont think so!!!!  I told all my spoiled heathens "NO GAME SYSTEMS!"  My daughter, who was pushing for that DSlite(whats the difference between that and a DS?  Its smaller?  180 bucks for the exact same thing she already has except its smaller???  *rolling eyes again*)  pouted around for about 2 days.  That was all I could stand!  Put my foot down and told her if she didnt knock it off there would be hell to pay!  She knocked it off.  At least shes smart enough to know im serious! 

 

 Next its my oldest.  Ok... this kid is almost 19!  Almost 19, a straight A student, acing all his college courses, and he isnt smart enough to grasp that there is NO WAY im shelling out 400 bucks for some stupid new Wii system???  What exactly are they teaching these kids anyways?  (sorry!  just a lil rant!  *embarrassed face*)

 

And you know whats really disheartening?  This isnt just my kids.  My girlfriends kids, my sisters son,  ALSO my next door neighbors kids,  are pulling the same exact thing on their mothers!   SHEESH!    My girlfriend caved.   My sister caved.  Dont know about my next door neighbor yet. 

 

Im seriously wondering if im gonna be the only mom who stood her ground.   

 

 

 

Well you have a kindred spirit here, we have just moved into a new home, and the kids know that Christmas would be skimpy, besides BOTH of my kid's birthdays are in January anyway, and they are too old to belive in Santa.

What worked for me,

My husband and I shop ONLY with CASH, no credit cards no debit cards, just cold hard CASH, when that was done, it was DONE, my two learned LONG ago that asking for anything, you'd better make sure it was what you really wanted, but I think they appreciate it more.

I would think so many gifts would be overwhelming for any child, I mean most toddlers would rather play with the boxes and paper anyway.

Just food for thought
 
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ceildh1
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November 30, 2006, 5:49 pm PST

11/30 Spoiled and Entitled

Quote From: pjmouse

 Yup, I admit it! I spoiled my son! From the moment he was born and I fell hopelessly in love with him, I gave him everything he needed! I gave him unconditional love, moral guidance, respect, empathy and attention. By doing this, he learned how to give the same. Raising this child has been nothing but a joy.

We gave him the material things he wanted when we could, when we couldn't, he understood, because he knew how much we loved him and wished we could make all his 'dreams' come true. When he was very young and saw something in a store that he wanted, but wasn't in the budget, I'd tell him that I would like to buy it for him , but that we just couldn't afford it. I'd point out some things that I would like to have but couldn't aford either. He never pitched a fit in a store because of something he couldn't have.

Someone wrote in here that they sat the kids down when they were about 8 years old and explained the family finances, and they were responded to with something like "that is way beyond a child's comprehension", I disagree. Children are much more capable then adults of learning, they really get this stuff, if someone bothers to explain it. IE: we only have so much money each month, we have to pay for home, food, clothes...and only so much is left over...you would be suprised how bright kids are if you give them a chance!

My son is 19 years old now, and from the day he was born till now, he has been a real joy to the adults in his life. He's always been one of those kids that people like to have around. He can be a pain in my butt, because he has a wicked sense of humor and can zing me unexpectedly and often!

He is in his freshman year of college, on scholarships and grants, because he knew a college education was not something we could just hand him and that he would have to find a way to earn it for himslf. He graduated High School with Honors, and as a  member of the National Honor Society.

So my advice is to absolutely 'spoil' your children with all the love and understanding you can possibly give! Think back to when you were a child and what you wished you had, (I doubt it was more possesions) and 'spoil' your child with it!

You're son is a LUCKY young man , and you a lucky Parent.

I'm not sure a child can be "Spoiled" by too much Parental Love and care, but hey I'd go with that.
 
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flthomcat
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November 30, 2006, 6:27 pm PST

GREAT ADVICE

Quote From: susanashe

You want to know what to do ?  NOTHING !!  Absolutely nothing !  It is your daughters marriage and you arent having to pay for anything so what does this have to do with your life personally ?  This is totally between your daughter and her HUSBAND !!!  Leave it alone and grin and bear it

EXCELLENT ADVICE you gave the man!  BRAVO!

 

He's in a lose-lose situation. He hates what he's witnessing (it's his precious daughter), but he'll pay the price if he meddles in her business when she hasn't asked for help. If he raised his daughter well, she already knows she's married to a bum and she will eventually tire of him.

 

Poor grandparents; they have to remain silent so often these days or risk losing their grandchildren. I feel their pain even though my children are still young.

 
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pjmouse
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November 30, 2006, 6:30 pm PST

11/30 Spoiled and Entitled

Quote From: kursic

I agree with the other person who responded to your post.  There is not much you can do, sorry to say.  Your daughter for some reason is in love with this guy, and no matter how old we are, we can all be silly when we're in love.  If you nag her or degrade her significant other, she will only get defensive.  The positive side to this story is the boyfriend's mother sounds like she'll be footing their bills, not you.  Go ahead and let this woman be stupid.  She'll only have herself to blame one day.

 

This doesn't mean you can't casually, some time when you're alone with your daughter, bring up her situation in conversation.  Ask her how she's doing, if she feels stressed, why she feels stressed, etc.  She'll probably only come up with excuses for her boyfriend being a lazy bum, but talking casually with her about things might eventually get her to realize how foolish she's being.

 

I had a friend who was in a very similar situation to your daughter.  I will admit I was not tactful with my friend.  Granted, you have more to lose if your daughter stops talking to you, so I don't suggest you be as abrupt as I was with my friend.  I have known this friend since we were 8-years old, and both of us have always been high achievers.  She busted her butt going to school for a pharmacy degree, worked as a waitress to pay her tuition, and after five years got a great job that pays $100,000+ per year.  Her boyfriend was with her for a little over 10 years, and all those years, no matter how much she struggled and even after she landed her well-deserved dream job, she supported him.  She did all the housework (because he said "that's woman's work!"), sent him to school for degrees he never ended up earning, and let him sit around doing nothing.  I am lucky this friend still talks to me after some of the things I said to her.  So again, this is why you should not be too confrontational with your daughter.  What ended up helping my friend was therapy.  This boyfriend of hers made her feel so crappy about herself that she ended up with an eating disorder.  In a way, that was a good thing, or else she never would have seen a therapist.  The therapist, and not me, made her realize she had to break up with this loser and move on.  She did just that, and she's been single and very happy, with her own beautiful house, for almost two years.  I could not be more proud of her.

 

The moral of this story is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Give your daughter time, and she will probably realize the error of her ways.  It may come at a certain cost, like it did to my friend, but it's better that than her being tied down with this guy for the rest of her life.

 If you voice your concerns to your daughter she ill never speak to you again and will stop you from seeing your grandchild? That dosen't sound like a problem that has cropped up since her marriage! Back off, stop judging the man she picked to marry and trust in whatever values you instilled in her as she grew up. Otherwise, I think you are headed for more of the same problems you have already created in you relationship with your daughter
 
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flthomcat
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November 30, 2006, 6:37 pm PST

We are their role models!

Quote From: faeryedark

 They need to stop!  Just stop. Take these people to the homeles shelter and have them give their time and possesions to those who have little or nothing. The second woman whose father foots all her bills... My father  passed away 17 years ago when I was 16. I'd give all my "stuff" up for just a few more minutes w/him... a chance to introduce my kids to him. How much is that "stuff" really worth? Besides, by the time you're an adult ..it's time you "give back" to your parents.

Amen!

 

To help my children understand about the true meaning of Christmas (giving the way that Jesus gave his gift of HIS life to us), I ask them if they want to give one of their many new toys (etc) to charity. I've never had to ask twice. This year, their gifts (our daughter handed over 3 from the party last weekend alone and our young son handed over one small one:) are going to migrant children and children that Catholic Charities sponsors.

 

My husband and I always give to charity and we make SURE our kids know what we're doing (I also have them assist me carrying a laudry basket filled w/ canned goods, etc, into the local food pantry every 2 months). And when I give blood every 3 months, I try to make sure they're with me.

 

How we ADULTS behave (and NOT what we merely say) is what will influence our children. If they're not behaving well, usually all you need to do is look in the mirror!

 
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pjmouse
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November 30, 2006, 6:46 pm PST

wrong again!

Quote From: rn99bsn06

Wrong.First of all it isn't the kids business how much the parents get paid. PERIOD. You say no and that is that. No explaination needed.
 what is wrong with giving kids info on what the income is? Don't want to have them come up with a better budget than you have? Just say no and that's it? I guess that works if you are trying to prove that you are the supreme being in your childs life, not so well if you are trying to raise self-sufficient adults.Just for a change, try to imagine your children as young lives put into your care to raise into well-adjusted adults rather than property under your control
 
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flthomcat
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November 30, 2006, 6:48 pm PST

You sound so misguided.

Quote From: momthanguv2

As the single mom of a spoiled 19 year old son, I know how these kids get spoiled. It's not because they throw a fit, but because we can give them these things. It is when we can't that they act out. When there's not enough money, There's not enough money. Although the spoiled kid acts out, that's all he will do. All the  yelling and bad mouthing can't get more money. All a mom can do is to use the strong shoulders shedeveloped s a single parent and bear the the  childish rampages. Although my son has not gotten past his entitlement, I hope he will someday.  I let his tirades roll off my back like water off a ducks'. 

 Momthanguv2

Very sad post. I feel for you. You seem so misguided.

 

Kids at 19 are NOT kids. They are adults or at least should be. If they are acting like angry toddlers, than there's a big problem. They will make horrible employees and horrible spouses. And if they can't control their tempers, they'll make horrible parents, too.

 

Please don't liken how you CHOSE to raise your son to being a single parent. I know quite a few single moms (some were even young when they had their children) who are as tough or tougher than I am. Due to being a single parent, they understand the NEED to be firm, fair and consistent. Being that way not only makes THEIR lives easier, but it makes the lives of the children involved much easier and happier.

 

Whether a parent has the money should not be the question. We are an upper middle class family and we've raised our children to know that money and "stuff" are NOT as important as character, class, education, brains, compassion, etc. Our children have never ever received anything less than excellent w/ regard to school behavior. Parents always compliment us on how kind and well-behaved our children are. Am I proud of that? You're darned right I am proud! And hubby and I worked HARD to raise our children that way.

 

If parenting appears easy, than parents aren't doing it right. It's not supposed to be easy...giving into the child's every want, etc. What a disservice you have done to your son w/o even realizing it. Trust me, as kids go, he'll let you know how you failed him once he's much older. And hopefully you will be wise enough to accept much of the blame. You created him and his spoiled, damanding ways.  
 
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flthomcat
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November 30, 2006, 6:50 pm PST

One home. Two different personalities

Quote From: dustymarie

I cannot understand people that feel they are entitled to everything and that the world owes them, my brother in law is like this and feels that he deserves to have everything handed to him and blames everyone else for his mistakes and shortcommings, its strange how 2 people raised in the same environment can be so different!
I can guarantee that practically nobody wants to be around  your brother-in-law AND I can guarantee that your brother-in-law is NOT a happy person. Very sad.
 
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