Topic : Is This Normal?

That's because he may not have a problem physically. Viagra doesn't make a man want more sex, it helps with erectile dysfunction (which also may or may not have to do with some physical problem) Also, if you two are younger, it wouldn't be a good idea for him to use viagra.

If he changes the subject whenever you try to talk to him, then I'm gussing the problem is not physiological. There could be something in your relationship that has made him not want to have sex. Think about if anything has happened in your relationship that might make him push away.

Unfortunately, you haven't given very much information, so that's all I can say. Could you tell us a little bit more about your situation so we can better help you?

My partner and I just celebrated 25 years together.

We have been together since I was 23 and he was 46. We were very happy together for years, we were best friends  and great lovers.  We both have children from previous marriages and didn't choose to have more. We spent years working together, running our own business. Our sex life started waining after 7-8 years and then shortly thereafter he had a heart attack and bypass surgery. He recovered fine but this left him totally dysfunctional sexually with the medications he was taking. A first I was devastated, I was in my early 30's, but I decided I really did love him and to stay with him, he's a good man and maybe somebody will come out with a ED medication he could take at some point in the future.

Many years passed, he retired, we moved to lovely Costa Rica for retirement. We have lived here for about 13 years now and love the country. We have been "empty nester's" for several years and I work part time for myself. My better half doesn't "do" much of anything; computer games, news addict and sleeps. He just turned 70 and I just turned 48. All these years and NO SEX AT ALL,very little affection not even kissing for about 15 years.

A long time ago, maybe 12 years ago, I told him that his penis doesn't have to have an erection for us to have fun and he told me, "if my penis is not involved then neither is the rest of me". You're probably asking yourself about right now what I'm still doing here, I know I am. Of course I kept telling myself, he's a good guy, he's always been faithful, he was and is a good provider, he helped me raise two lovely young men, he loves me and I love him, he's my best friend. Then there is always hope that some new drug will come out to solve the sex issue. So I have hoped and waited and still nothing except for now he has become a "grouchy old man", jealous, sometimes nice and sometimes hateful. He resents me having any friends at all and tries to alienate them, he does a good job, right now I'm without any local friends. He also has no friends. He has become obsessed with me, follows me around the house, asks who each email and call was to or from. He'll even drive me places and wait in the car so "I don't have to go alone and he can protect me".

To make matters worse he binge drinks once or twice a week and sometimes gets really nasty with words. Over the last few years he's done and said things that have really hurt my feelings and I'm to the point of wanting to leave him my problem is I hate to leave him alone because "he needs me" and I meant to stay with him "forever" . I do everything for him. How can I leave without guilt? ...Just for the record, I'm a good partner, I have never CHEATED,  I'm a cook good, keep in shape, keep a nice home, etc.

Frustrated and need a friend, any advise?

Hi!

First I must tell you that you are a very good woman. You did everything right. Except now I feel that you got away from him too. You can make more effort to cuddle him & kissing him. He's your husband. Unfortunately he cant perform anymore. I know it's sad, but it happened. You cant change hhis health. But you can change your attitude. You should stay with him forever. Even if you cant have sex. Life is much more then that. Believe me, you wont be happy without him. He will suffer soooo much without you. Its not worth it. Life is too short. I'm married to an older person too. If he cant preform, I will still be with him. I will never leave him just because he cant do it anymore. You can continue your life with him without sex. Touching is very powerful too. It calms him down. He wont be that grumpy anymore. He became like this because you changed with him. So work on him again & get his confidence back. It's not too late. May God Bless you. Good luck

Er...I'm sorry but I disagree with this on many, MANY factors.

You can make more effort to cuddle him & kissing him

I believe she said she has tried that. She has been trying that, and it has not worked. You can only do something so long before you realize that it is not working. Don't just up the amount of something that doesn't work.

Believe me, you wont be happy without him. He will suffer soooo much without you. Its not worth it.

That is not nessessarily true. At all. She isn't happy WITH him, why would it be impossible for her to be happy without him? It's also not nessessarily true that he will suffer a lot without her. That's called being "codependent." The inability to live without one's spouse/bf/gf/partner. Couples should learn to be a part of eachother, not depend on eachother to survive. Couples should be willing and proud to make eachother happy, but should NOT depend on eachother to be happy. Don't make the mistake of making him responsible for ALL your happiness, and don't make yourself responsible for ALL his happiness. That's not fair to either of you. It's good to make eachother happy, to have that in your relationship, and to know that he can be ONE OF the factors in life that makes you happy. But not the ONLY factor. You actually set yourself up for total chaos and being emotionally lost should something happen to split you up. But if you have other things in life aside from your spouse, friends, career, hobbies, children, that also make you happy and help you enjoy life, then breaking up won't be the end of the world. You need to have that confidence in yourself, the personal emotional strength to know that you can (and be prepared to) hold your own.

Touching is very powerful too. It calms him down. He wont be that grumpy anymore.

You don't know that. You do not know this man. You don't know what kind of reaction touching him will cause. What good touching may do for one man, may do very bad for another. Don't presume that touching will solve any and all "grumpy" problems. It isn't that simple. She said that he told her "If my penis is not involved, niether is the rest of me." I would take that as a pretty blatant sign that he does not want to be touched unless it is sexually, and I believe she also said she tried that. I think her problem is way more complex.  Especially if he is a binge drinker, as was described. If he has become, or is becoming, an alcoholic, he is going to need WAY more than just "touching." Alcoholism is a much more serious problem.

I'd be very concerned about his alcohol use and the kind of person he becomes when drunk. Don't take that lightly. I would talk to him about how he acts and how he makes you feel when he is drunk and when he says nasty things to you. I would also recommend you get him some help with his alcohol use. That's something that could get worse quickly if not controlled as soon as possible. Get help with that.

He became like this because you changed with him.

This sounds way too much like laying the responsibility for the relationship's strength, and his personality, and his disposition entirely on her, and that isn't fair. She isn't in control of his actions, his personality, or his decisions, nor is she responsible. Don't blame the problem entirely on her by saying that she caused his changes.

He is in charge of his own actions, his own words, and his own decisions. He chooses to get drunk and insult her, he chooses to not allow her to associate with anyone but him, he chooses to covet her and watch her every move, and he chooses NOT to respond to her attempts to bring the sexual part of their relationship back.

Yes, when men reach old age, 50's, 60's, 70's, their bodies naturally drop in sexual performance and of course are not going to be the same as they were when they were in their 20's and 30's. That's just how life goes, however, men continue to make sperm their entire lives, so they are still capable of sexual actions with the right amount of stimulation. It takes a lot more at old age, a lot more, but it is still possible.

So he says that if his penis isn't involved, then niether is the rest of him. Ask him what he wants. What is he into now. Does he want to see you do something you've never done before? Try something new? Get into his sexuality and find out what is missing. Obviously some part of him wants sexual involvement, considering he said that he wants his penis to be involved in your "fun." That's a positive note. 

On another note (this is just a possibility, I don't know how you would feel about it) but, because men continue to make sperm throughout life, and he is not focusing the release of that sperm, or any kind of sexual anticipation or buildup, on you, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is completely cellibut and goes without sexual stimulation at all. That would be naive. I'm not saying that he would be cheating, noooo. That's a whole other ballpark, but I would think about the possibility that he may be using porn without your knowledge. It's a possibility, so I would look into it just in case.

So work on him again & get his confidence back. It's not too late.

You can only "work on" someone for so long. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. It sounds like she has been "working on him" for a number of years, yet it is progressively getting worse as he gets older. He has managed to alienate her friends, and does not satisfy her.

You should stay with him forever.

I honestly do not think that she should. It is not fair to her to force her to live with someone who is refusing to satisfy her needs, who refuses her time with friends, and says cruel things to her when he is under the influence of alcohol. Sure, sex is not the most important thing in life, but it is more important than you are giving credit to. I'm not saying she should leave him solely for the reason that he cannot perform anymore, because I believe that there are more factors going into this situation than that. A lot more. I do not think that she should feel guilty if she leaves him, because she has a right to have her needs fulliflled and a right to be happy the way she wants to be. She should not be forced to forego those things just because of him. She has been filling her role as a wife for years, but he has not been filling his role as a husband. Husbands should not get angry when their wives go see friends. Husbands to not posses and own their wives, husbands should make an equal effort to maintain the sexual part of the marriage, husbands should control their alcohol use. He hasn't done that.

But you can change your attitude.

This I agree with. Instead of feeling guilty, tell yourself that you are entitled to your freedom to see friends and talk to other people. You are entitled to sexual satisfaction from your husband (I really hope you know what I mean by that), you are entitled to happiness in a relationship. Married couples should stay married because they want to and love eachother, not because they have to. You should not feel like you have to stay with him without being happy. You should not feel like you cannot survive without him, and he should not feel like he could not survive without you. I would honestly not blame you, nor see you as a bad person if you did leave him.

Er...I'm sorry but I disagree with this on many, MANY factors.

You can make more effort to cuddle him & kissing him

I believe she said she has tried that. She has been trying that, and it has not worked. You can only do something so long before you realize that it is not working. Don't just up the amount of something that doesn't work.

Believe me, you wont be happy without him. He will suffer soooo much without you. Its not worth it.

That is not nessessarily true. At all. She isn't happy WITH him, why would it be impossible for her to be happy without him? It's also not nessessarily true that he will suffer a lot without her. That's called being "codependent." The inability to live without one's spouse/bf/gf/partner. Couples should learn to be a part of eachother, not depend on eachother to survive. Couples should be willing and proud to make eachother happy, but should NOT depend on eachother to be happy. Don't make the mistake of making him responsible for ALL your happiness, and don't make yourself responsible for ALL his happiness. That's not fair to either of you. It's good to make eachother happy, to have that in your relationship, and to know that he can be ONE OF the factors in life that makes you happy. But not the ONLY factor. You actually set yourself up for total chaos and being emotionally lost should something happen to split you up. But if you have other things in life aside from your spouse, friends, career, hobbies, children, that also make you happy and help you enjoy life, then breaking up won't be the end of the world. You need to have that confidence in yourself, the personal emotional strength to know that you can (and be prepared to) hold your own.

Touching is very powerful too. It calms him down. He wont be that grumpy anymore.

You don't know that. You do not know this man. You don't know what kind of reaction touching him will cause. What good touching may do for one man, may do very bad for another. Don't presume that touching will solve any and all "grumpy" problems. It isn't that simple. She said that he told her "If my penis is not involved, niether is the rest of me." I would take that as a pretty blatant sign that he does not want to be touched unless it is sexually, and I believe she also said she tried that. I think her problem is way more complex.  Especially if he is a binge drinker, as was described. If he has become, or is becoming, an alcoholic, he is going to need WAY more than just "touching." Alcoholism is a much more serious problem.

I'd be very concerned about his alcohol use and the kind of person he becomes when drunk. Don't take that lightly. I would talk to him about how he acts and how he makes you feel when he is drunk and when he says nasty things to you. I would also recommend you get him some help with his alcohol use. That's something that could get worse quickly if not controlled as soon as possible. Get help with that.

He became like this because you changed with him.

This sounds way too much like laying the responsibility for the relationship's strength, and his personality, and his disposition entirely on her, and that isn't fair. She isn't in control of his actions, his personality, or his decisions, nor is she responsible. Don't blame the problem entirely on her by saying that she caused his changes.

He is in charge of his own actions, his own words, and his own decisions. He chooses to get drunk and insult her, he chooses to not allow her to associate with anyone but him, he chooses to covet her and watch her every move, and he chooses NOT to respond to her attempts to bring the sexual part of their relationship back.

Yes, when men reach old age, 50's, 60's, 70's, their bodies naturally drop in sexual performance and of course are not going to be the same as they were when they were in their 20's and 30's. That's just how life goes, however, men continue to make sperm their entire lives, so they are still capable of sexual actions with the right amount of stimulation. It takes a lot more at old age, a lot more, but it is still possible.

So he says that if his penis isn't involved, then niether is the rest of him. Ask him what he wants. What is he into now. Does he want to see you do something you've never done before? Try something new? Get into his sexuality and find out what is missing. Obviously some part of him wants sexual involvement, considering he said that he wants his penis to be involved in your "fun." That's a positive note. 

On another note (this is just a possibility, I don't know how you would feel about it) but, because men continue to make sperm throughout life, and he is not focusing the release of that sperm, or any kind of sexual anticipation or buildup, on you, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is completely cellibut and goes without sexual stimulation at all. That would be naive. I'm not saying that he would be cheating, noooo. That's a whole other ballpark, but I would think about the possibility that he may be using porn without your knowledge. It's a possibility, so I would look into it just in case.

So work on him again & get his confidence back. It's not too late.

You can only "work on" someone for so long. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. It sounds like she has been "working on him" for a number of years, yet it is progressively getting worse as he gets older. He has managed to alienate her friends, and does not satisfy her.

You should stay with him forever.

I honestly do not think that she should. It is not fair to her to force her to live with someone who is refusing to satisfy her needs, who refuses her time with friends, and says cruel things to her when he is under the influence of alcohol. Sure, sex is not the most important thing in life, but it is more important than you are giving credit to. I'm not saying she should leave him solely for the reason that he cannot perform anymore, because I believe that there are more factors going into this situation than that. A lot more. I do not think that she should feel guilty if she leaves him, because she has a right to have her needs fulliflled and a right to be happy the way she wants to be. She should not be forced to forego those things just because of him. She has been filling her role as a wife for years, but he has not been filling his role as a husband. Husbands should not get angry when their wives go see friends. Husbands to not posses and own their wives, husbands should make an equal effort to maintain the sexual part of the marriage, husbands should control their alcohol use. He hasn't done that.

But you can change your attitude.

This I agree with. Instead of feeling guilty, tell yourself that you are entitled to your freedom to see friends and talk to other people. You are entitled to sexual satisfaction from your husband (I really hope you know what I mean by that), you are entitled to happiness in a relationship. Married couples should stay married because they want to and love eachother, not because they have to. You should not feel like you have to stay with him without being happy. You should not feel like you cannot survive without him, and he should not feel like he could not survive without you. I would honestly not blame you, nor see you as a bad person if you did leave him.

Well yes and no.

Masturbation is part of your sexual experience and sex life. But it's not sex in the traditional way.

Maybe this is a good way to look at it. Masturbation helps you keep your virginity. You can let the pressure off every now and again but you keep away from boys for now. Maybe it helps to know that over 90% of men and at least over 60% of women masturbate. There have to be devoted Christians, Muslims, Jews or whatever your religion is among them.