Quote From: lifesdestiny Hello all, alitlle nervous here. I am 38 years old, and about to get married for the 2nd time. In the last few months I have been dealing with some self esteem issues on sex, how I look to him, and do I turn him on.
Well the issue here is, we have in the past watched porn and have used "toys" when having sex. Like I said, I have been dealing with some issues. I would like to feel it is me that is turning him on not the other things. I told him I was feeling this way and that I wasn't cofortable with doing these thing, and that maybe my morals have changed. He got mad, told me that I wasn't going to force him to doing something he doesn't want to do.
I never in the conversation told him he had to change, that these are my feelings and that it was something I had to deal with. Well things easied up alittle on that, we do make love with nothing else involved but us, and it has been good. The problem now is everytime anything is brought up about sex or anything that may be morally wrong, he will ask me my feelings on it, I will tell him how I feel ,and he will make a commit like oh yeah, you have morals now, or something negative like that.
What is he afraid of, and why do people have to put down those who try to change for the better.
There are other issues here, but one thing at a time. I don't want to change anyone, but myself, I just want to understand.
I think the problem is not that there's stuff you don't wanna do. I believe the problem is more the reason WHY you don't wanna do it. In my opninion (which is mine, I don't want to tell you you are wrong per se, just offer another perspective) "morals" are no good ground to deny trying certain things in your sex life. Personally, I would be quite pissed if my boyfriend would refuse things in bed based on what is "morally ok" or not and I'd most certainly understand him being pissed for the same reason.
Your sexlife is just about you and your partner, not about what is constituted to be morally right or wrong. I know people who refuse to try anal sex because "it's just not made for that and it's wrong". Well, then I think: what the heck? Refusing to try it because you don't like the idea, con't feel comfortable with someone putting stuff in there because you worry about for example stuff coming out all brown, making a fool out of yourself etc. is a whole different thing, in my humble opinion.
Take the porn thing for example. Isn't it possible he would have less problems with you not wanting this if the reason was you're not comfortable with it cause you feel like it's not YOU who turn him on? That it makes you feel like something else turns him on and you're just (crudely put) the object that happens to be around so he can get off on that feeling? (please correct me if I interpret this wrongly) I think now you've made it all about ethics for him and I can very well understand it's frustrating for your partner that bloddy (excuse the language) ethics get in the way of your sexual creativity.
Wouldn't it be better for you if he asks you your opinion about sexual things based on if you are comfortable enough in your own skin to try them, not based on if you think it's ethically right? Cause that's what moral is all about, and as far as I'm concerned, ethics have nothing to do with either a good sex life, or the trust you have in your partner, or how good you feel about your own sexuality (Or at least I don't think it SHOULD have anything to do with it).
