Topic : Is This Normal?

discusses a woman who recently had her first orgasm after being married for SIX years. 

  

It is NOT your boyfriend that's the issue.  Please reassure him. 

  

I suggest that the first thing you do is rule out the medical -- sometimes there are physical issues related to our ability to have an orgasm -- so talk to your gynocologist. 

  

After that it's all about relaxation.  Sometimes working too hard at it doesn't help.  Q 

I am wondering if he has some serious sexual problem. I relieze that for whatever the reason maybe that you don't want to have alot of sex, that does affect him, but he still has no right to sexually violate you. My question is how does he treat you aside from this? How is the rest of your relatioship with hiim? Because if he is willing to do this type of thing to you, it may just be the start to something worse. That is something you need to consider. You have every right to feel safe with your mate, and that is something he is taking from you. I would seriously consider having an open, non-judgemental discussion with him.  Ask him what makes him need to do this and don't accept his answer that he is just not getting enough sex with you, that is BS. The fact is that if this is unwanted then you need to confort him, try not to be mean or judgmental, just to find out what his reasons are. I relieze that you are angry and if that is the only way you can talk to him then that is fine. But one way or another you need to talk to him and find out what is going on in his mind. This could very well be a sign of sexual predator behavior, and for your own sake and for the sake of your future, you need to deal with this now. I wish you all the best.  

  

Lovinglady 

I had this same problem with my ex-boyfriend that I was with for 6 years. I simply couldn't have an orgasm. Now in my relationship with my husband I have one almost everytime. What worked for me was that I reliezed that I had to deal with how sex made me feel. I felt dirty and uncomfortable, so I simply never could relax enough to have an orgasm or even get close for that matter. There is nothing wrong with you or him. There are aot of women that feel uncortable "letting go" with their partners. Just start thinking about how sex makes you feel, why it is that you can't relax. That has nothing to do with him it could just simply be a block in your mind that doesn't allow you to totally relax, if that is the case start dealing with why. I promise you that once you figure this out, not only will sex become more enjoyable but also you will be much more comfortable with your own body. I hope that helps. If it doesn't there are also gynocolagist you can see. Good luck. 

  

Lovinglady 

 I never knew something like this existed--give me 1 reason why an educated liberated woman would agree to this?  In order to be broken down and brainwashed?  It seesm more cultish to me than a way of life.  I couldn't even bring myself to read it--as it is twisted.  Do you have religious beliefs?  How could this possibly fit in to a household as an appropriate and constructive relationship. 

 Okay..been married 10 years, three children 2 girls and 1 boy. My husband and I have shared in his sexual fantasies of me and another man.  However, yesterday when I came home from work, my husband was lying on the bed watching tv and holding our infant son.  I laid down next to him and he started telling me he knew what I had done, had I had oral sex with anyone recently.  I thought he must have been having one of his fantasies, and wanted to talk dirty.  I denied everything he said, and he wouldn't tell me who he was thinking I had oral sex with.  He kept saying you don't know who I'm talking about.  Then that night we had sex and during sex he started again, but this time it got weird, he wouldn't tell me who he was thinking about, and said I would think he was sick, and I would be mad.  Again he kept asking me if I still didn't know who he was talking about.  I said tell me, he said you'll be mad, you'll think i'm sick. In his fantasy he comes home(he works the night shift) a peeks in the window and sees me and I am doing something (implys having oral sex)  He then says he comes in the house and I am acting weird.  atfer sex I started thinking about what woudl make me sick (I went along with his fantasies about me and other men) so I knew that would make me sick.  Well I came to the conclusion that he meant my infant son.  There are no other males in the house and that is perverse and would make me sick.  Anyway he never said it out loud, nor did I.  I was crying and felt like throwing up and told him so.  Then he told me it was of some guy..(whom he had mentioned before during sex, so I couldn't understand why that would make me sick)  He said he didn't do anything wrong, and he never said confirmed what I thought...although I never said what I thought either. 
I am scared...I have read that a perverse fantasies happen,,but my husband tried to involve me.  I don't knw what to do..if this is what he was thinking and I'm pretty sure he was then I have a very sick husband and I am afraid for my kids.  there has never been an instance like this before.  Can fantasies lead to physcial abuse?
Please adivse me...I need help.

Fantasies can't lead to abuse, unless the abuse is already there  in the mind in some way! I don't think I would want to take a chance in finding out if this is the direction he is heading. I think I would think about making a plan on moving on. 

  

One thing you may want to try if you are not willing to take this alarm bell as the proof you are needing to leave, which is a little on the deceitful side, but in this case I think it would be worth finding out if you are not convinced at this point in time you need to leave, would be to encourage him to let you know what that is for sure. Allow him to think you are willing to consider whatever he is thinking about, and if it winds up being this, then get out. Have the plan well established ahead of time. Get him out of the house. 

 

Bringing a third party in a relationship is a dangerous thing to begin with. I know of several friends that have done so, and most wind up in divorce. It takes an extreme bond, and all parties involved have to have their minds in it being just sex for it to ever work in the first place. If one is wanting to bring children into the situation, there is no room for negotiations.  

 

Once you leave be ready for him to bring up in court what has gone on, and whomever he has brought in the relationship to testify on his behalf, maybe that he had no idea of what was going on. This dark secret you already have is going to come out, but that is no where as bad as what you think he is suggesting to happen. 

 

You have a lot to think about lady. I hope this at least gets you thinking on how you could handle your situation. I am sure there may be better plans that I can't think of at this point in time, but getting out would be my first thought, and if you don't. Then it should tell you where the point this swinging has gotten you to for now. Good luck, and keep us posted. 

I would be very worried in your situation as well,  you know what your husband meant and that is why you are seeking help, please don't wait for something to happen turn to someone of authority for help!   Your husband sounds twisted,  you have mentioned your son and he is neither denying nor confirming it!!!!!!!!!!  can you not see how dangerous and sick that is??? 

  

Don't think that you might be over reacting because you are not, and please don't be foolish in waiting to see if you can spot any changes yourself but get help now. 

  

You have a responsibility to protect your children, your husband has gone too far with his 'fantasies' and is trying to slowly see how you feel about them, I think he is alot worse than you let on and I hope that you don't let fear or shame stop you from doing what is right.  

  

I wish you luck and can only hope that you will take the right action. 

This post has bothered me all day. I brought it up to my husband and he said that you should find out if your husband has any history of abuse. Did someone touch him when he was a child? Then, I also thought, there must be something else that makes you believe this as well.Maybe not consciously, but something he has said or done in the past makes you think he is capable of of this right? Think back and you might see something now that did not stand out before. 

I really hope that you are overreacting, and that this was not what he meant. But for your kids sake, you can't take a chance. 

My husband is into porn.  It  has been  about nine years.  He says it is because our sex life is  not like he wants it.  Quantity  mainly.  We have been working on it.  When we are fighting, which is more often than not) we don't have sex.  When we are getting along, sex is often enough.  
My problem.  The other night we had sex, it was alright.  We were not as close as usual.  It was 11:00 pm and I had just gotten home from work.   I caught him the next morning, early,  looking at porn.  I did not talk to him.  He asked me if I felt very close to him the night before.  I told him I didn't want to hear it. We haven't been talking.  Why did he ask me that?  Makes me feel like porn makes up for the lack of clossness he felt with me the previous night.    I think he has a real problem.  He doesn't feel that way.  I don't know what to do, is it unreasonable too give him an ultimatum?   We do have kids as well.

Your hubby has already told you that he thinks he doesn't have a problem.   

  

If you plan to give him an ultimatum, you need to be really prepared to follow through with it.  Personally I think ultimatums are a power play and I think that you need to recognize that even though hubby doesn't have a problem looking at porn, YOU have a problem with him looking at porn. 

  

His looking at porn appears to harming you and it's harming your relationship with him.  And I don't think porn makes up for a lack of closeness in anything.  I think porn can desensitize intimate relationships and it can set up fantasies and standards that our sexual partners can not reach. 

  

If/Since it is harming you, you have EVERY RIGHT to ask him to stop for the good of the relationship. 

  

If he is serious about working on his relationship, he can take a big step in that direction by giving up porn.   

  

If he can't do that, I think you need to re-assess the kind of partner you want to be committed to. 

  

Q