Topic : Is This Normal?

Is it reasonable to expect him to give up porn?  Many people seem to think it is just what guys do.

I don't care what other people think.  What I think is MORE important to ME. 

  

You have EVERY RIGHT to say I have NO ROOM in my house for porn.  And I know many, many women and men who feel that way.   

  

In addition, the bottom line... is you can't control what he does.  Only he can. 

  

And if you EXPECT him to give it up, you may be very disappointed or not. 

  

It all really depends on what HE chooses to do. 

  

Is it REASONABLE... if it is harming you, it's reasonable. 

  

I can say that if my partner were doing something that was harming me, I would (and have) stood up for myself and asked him to stop.  And I'm talking about willful, hurtful harm not unintentional, accidental harm.  But before I was able to successfully do that, I needed to explain my reasons and get him to understand, really understand the LEVEL of my hurt. 

  

It could be considered similar to asking an alcoholic to give up alcohol for the sake of his marriage and his own happiness.  If he doesn't see the damage it's doing, then he may be in denial or he just may not care enough about the relationship to give up alcohol.  Those are his choices.  That would leave you with your own set of choices. 

  

And if it were me, and my partner ended up valuing porn more than me, it wouldn't take me long to say, okay, you and porn can have each other.  I'm OUTTA HERE! 

  

So I think expectations can set us up for disappointment.  I think you should be prepared to be disappointed and if it doesn't happen, be pleasantly surprised.  Give yourself permission to ask for what you need. 

  

Don't know if that helps any or not.  But that's my take on it.  Q 

My boyfriend watches porn every day.  As you may expect, I don't like this at all.  He masturbates with it every day.  He says it has nothing to do with me or our sex life.  He says our sex life is great.  He doesn't know why he is doing it.  I tried to talk about it, but I don't get any answers on the questions I have.  

For me it is bizar, because if he wants to, he can have me in his bed every day (well, matter of speech).  I really don't know what to think anymore.  When I don't take the initiative, we don't have sex at all.   

Doesn't he love me anymore?  Am I not sexy, beautiful, good enough? 

  

According to some male friends, it is normal a man watches porn.  Does this really have to be every day?  What do they get out of it?  Why is this important to them?   

  

Since he knows I found out, he is deleting all history on his computer.  Does this mean I cannot trust him?  I really absolutely don't know what to think anymore.  I feel hurt and I am angry.  It seems like he is two persons, a loving man in the living room and a bastard in the computer room.   

  

Any advice on this??? 

  

  

You are making a mistake by equating your SELF with something that IS NOT REAL. 

  

What your boyfriend sees on the computer/TV (assuming he's watching there) is NOT flesh and blood, is NOT real.  It is 100% makeup and fantasy. 

  

In addition, watching it SO much can desensitize you to the flesh and blood, real sex -- hence you have to initiate more often. 

  

I can't speak for men who say it's normal to watch porn.  I can't speak for men at all -- 'cause I'm not one. 

  

But I CAN speak for women and I CAN say that I am sexy, beautiful and good enough and it has NOTHING to do with what my man watches or doesn't watch.  It has to do with ME.  What my hubby does, does NOT reflect on WHO I AM. 

  

I suggest that you ask your partner to go back to blackboard on his reasoning for watching porn.  I suggest to you that "doesn't know why" is simply not an adequate reason.  I suggest you ask him to think about it some more and come back with a better explanation because you are really trying to understand what's going on.   

  

And his actions, deleting history, indicate that he is still engaged in the behavior and if he said he'd stop, then it sure looks like a broken trust -- but that is all hyperbole until proven.  If proven, then you have a right to be angry, in fact, you have a right to all of your feelings. 

  

Q 

  I'm terribly in love with my husband. We've been married for over 12yrs. We have a very active sex life, and I enjoy him still very much. But no matter how much time we're together, my mind will wander anyway! I fantasize about being with another man. I would never cheat on my husband. Never have and never will. Why though does my mind wander? Reguardless of my loyalty to my husband. Why do I have these strong urges? How do I get rid of them? I've tried spending more time together. It's weird, he's still so into me too! He's always telling me how beautiful I am and that he wants me all the time. The way I feel just doesn't make any sense to me at all. I also have a busy life style, so it's not like I'm just bored either.  

If anyone out there has an answer, I'd love to hear it, Because I'm just baffled! And I don't want to feel this way...Even though I'd never act on it, it still bothers me!!!! 

Thanks, voyles9699 

thanks for the input. I do diferent things to enhace our sexdrives. but i understand where you're what you mean.

You could be dealing with some sort of hormone imbalance . Before you go and do something drastic, get to your doctor, and talk to him/her about what is going on in your life. Many women experience things that don't seem rational during pregnancy, and afterwords.  

  

Get to your doctor, and see if you can have some test run. Who knows, once your body straightens out, he may once again be the love of your life. I hope this helps. Good luck, and keep us posted. I am sure your story will help others. 

I love my husband very much and we get along great but I am worried that we are not compatible sexually. To me, sex is about loving and intimacy and I feel like it when we are in bed. To him, he only gets turned on if I am 'dressed up' or we have been out for the evening. He prefers me to keep most of my clothes on and definitely my footwear when we have sex. He likes cars and me driving - I mean really likes it (I think this is weird) He will not have sex unless I have showered within the last few hours. All this just makes me feel like a sex object, like it is nothing to do with me. He doesn't really like kissing during sex, or making eye contact. He says that to him sex isn't about love. He is a wonderful father and I don't want us to separate but I'm not sure if I can put up with this in the long term. Any advice gratefully received.