Quote From: kerby_7hello everyone, this is my first time here, I've tried other boards other places and no one cares a wit - I'll give this a try.
When my husband and I were dating, we were both virgins. He was the first one I ever told that as a child, I was abused, and he seemed very sympathetic.
Later in us dating, we were talking about having sex sometime in the future, and he explained to me it would hurt me "the first few times until you get broken in" - I blew up. god, just typing it here 3 years later makes me want to cry... he was completely fine, and actually looking forward to something which absolutely horrified me, and shook me to the core.
After screaming at him I didn't want to for over and hour, all he could say were things like "is it really a big deal?". I never got over it. Ever. This was the worst point in my life. Now he apologizes all the time, and looks like he feels bad - but it's too late for that.
In every other category, he's perfect, and a gentleman. Nothing he says is of any comfort at all though, how will I ever feel really safe, and respected? He was the last man I ever thought would want to hurt me. How will I ever get better?
Kerby 7,
I'm sorry you were abused. I was abused as a child, too, so I know what it's like to carry such emotional weights into adulthood and try to carry on "normal" relationships. It doesn't work too well.
I want to be straight and honest with you without coming down on you or making you feel condemned, ok? So, please bear in mind that my heart is in the right place as you read this......it is YOU who I am concerned for and I have nothing to prove.
With that said, it's important for you to recognize a few things, I think.
First of all, you were abused. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL. There aren't enough words or enough room on this message board that can be said to explain to people what this does to a person. It can seem like a life-sentence and hold so much POWER over a person....I know. Believe me, sweetie, I have lived it. I'm in my early forties now, but I lived the first 25 years of my life locked inside that prison before I learned how to unlock that prison door!
It may seem like your current relationship is the core of the pain inside you, but when you've been abused I can almost guarantee you the pain you feel is MOSTLY from the abuse......and will continue in any relationship, with any man...eventually.
This doesn't discount or excuse the comments your husband has made. (He could use some lessons on what and what NOT to SAY TO A WOMAN! , that's for sure) But, in his defense, he is obviously perplexed as to why you get SO UPSET. He may not even know what the triggers are and he probably sets them off without even realizing it. This will be true with any man, though. Unless he is a therapist, how could he really know how to help you? I encourage you to be patient with him, as much as you possibly can.
So, if the main issue isn't with your husband, then what do you do? You do the following:
1. READ. Devour any and all material that can help you heal from the past pain and eventually, even forgiveness. (REMEMBER: Forgiveness releases the one who forgives as much, if not MORE, than the one being forgiven. AND IT DOESN"T MEAN THEY GOT AWAY WITH IT if you forgive) BUT, forgiveness is WAAAAYY down the line and HEALING SHOULD BE THE GOAL. HEALING FOR YOU! YOU DESERVE IT! (Try Dr. Phil's books, they really are helpful!)
2. SEEK. Seek guidance from a trained, safe, caring professional counselor or therapist. EVEN IF YOU can't seem to afford it, do whatever it takes to get you on the right track! I can not tell you how much it has helped me! it's just INCREDIBLE!
3. PRAY and BELIEVE. I dont know what your beliefs are, if any, but there is scientific data that supports the belief in GOD and prayer in correlation to healing. Physical healing and EMOTIONAL HEALING. SO many benefits to a connection larger than ourselves.
4. ASK. Ask for help. THis is so simple yet SO DIFFICULT for some people to do. DONT worry about being the recipient. Someday YOU WILL BE THE ONE WHO GIVES to another and so on. THis is just the process of recovery and it's a great system!
5. CONNECT. Connect with others as much as possible. Get as many POSITIVE and SUPPORTIVE influences as possible in your life.
I really hope you have found this encouraging and NOT condemning.
I think you are HONEST and BRAVE. WIth those two attributes, alone, you have enough to get yourself on track and become the woman of your potential!
You are a jewel and YOU DESERVE to live the life you were meant to live.
If you ever need someone, I am here.
Monkey63
