Topic : Is This Normal?

This is my first post here.

I've been reading down through the posts and I felt like responding with a man's perspective of the diminished sex thing. I am speaking from my own experience here.

There are factors that haven't been mentioned here - at least not that I saw.

One HUGE one is hygene. If a woman has gained a large amount of weight, her personal hygene might not be what it should be..I am completely turned off by that.

Another is the weight itself. Before anyone starts screaming that we should accept people for what they are, be *honest* and admit that a very heavy person is not very *physically* attractive.

Having someone urinate while having sex is another MAJOR turnoff.  This is NO joke folks.

Snide remarks about penis size is guaranteed to turn us off.  A complaining whining wife is a turnoff.

There are meds that inhibit erections. Heart disease can do this because the blood supply is restricted to the penis.

Men need visual stimulation. They like aural stimulation.  Take all the external stimuli away and yes, we might not be able to perform.

Anyways, I wanted to give you my imput on this, and hope I haven't offended anyone.

Feedback is welcome...THANKS !

Your comments didn't offend me personally, but I do want to give a little feedback on a couple of your comments.  Regarding hygiene - I am not sure why you associate poor hygiene with being overweight.  A woman's hygiene isn't a function of her weight, which is to say skinny women aren't necessarily cleaner or 'fresher' just because they are skinny.  Maybe you make this comment because of an experience you have had with an overweight woman who didn't care for herself.  I want to say though - I have, in the past, been overweight - and I was as careful of my overall hygiene then as I am now. 

You go on to speak about a heavy person not being physically attractive.  I beg to differ.  Women come in all shapes and sizes, and while you personally may be most attracted to quite thin women, there are many many men who prefer a more Reubenesque figure.  There are even men who prefer VERY large women.  I know the media tells all of us that we should be no bigger than a size 6, or men won't like us.  I find that personally to very much not be true.  I am 5'8" and go back and forth between a 10 and 12.  I have an hourglass figure.  My husband LOVES my curves and very often encourages me NOT to lose weight.  I'm healthy, athletic and active - so I don't see any need to conform to the media's concept of what I should look like.  I get plenty of appreciative looks when I am out with my husband, so I know it isn't only him who appreciates curves.  I say all of this mostly for the other women who read what you said and feel bad about the fact they don't look like Paris Hilton.  Sure, that look is a fantasy for some men - but not all.  If you are healthy and comfortable in your own skin - then revel in it and men will find you even more attractive, because of your confidence.  :)

I don't have any disagreement with anything else you said Will (well maybe the complaining, whining wife thing lol - but that could get too involved).  I actually appreciate that you took the time to stop in here and give some of your perspective as a man of what may diminish sex drive.  Hope the feedback doesn't offend you.  Take care, Roxy

well you HAVE found a real friend.  :)  I open myself up to total strangers and give encouragement because I find it very gratifying when, once in a while, I DO find the right words to give someone hope.  Most of the time my posts to people go unanswered, but that is okay - I am just hopeful they read the words and took something positive from them. 

I try to be sweet, definitely am caring - probably not an angel lol.  I do try to wrap my arms around those who need it.  I am very happy in my life.  I started here at Dr. Phil at the "How Porn has Affected our Relationship" board.  My husband and I have been married almost 13 yrs, with very few problems.  Last Sept I found he had been looking at porn in secret - this in disregard of the fact he knew before we married that I did NOT want that to be part of our marriage.  Anyway - I got tremendous help on that board - and our marriage is actually stronger and closer now than it was before I found out.  If you are interested in my story, you can always click on my name and read all my old posts - but don't feel you have to - I tend to write way too much and way too often lol.  It can be enough to know that I found help here and that is what spurs me to 'give back' so to speak. 

Your 3rd short paragraph makes me so happy for you and your daughter!   It is so much better to choose to be in control of your future (and that of your daughter) rather than be at the mercy of someone else who doesn't have your best interests at heart.  YOU are awesome hun - I am just reflecting back your own words at you.  :)  Take care, be safe and I hope you and your daughter have had a wonderful weekend.  :)  Roxy

I hate to tell you what I think the problem may be.  I feel hearing this may hurt you.  Before I do say what I think - please be assured that YOU are not the cause of his problem in ejaculating.  What I am going to suggest may not even be true, it may well be something medical or some psychological issue from his past, as you mentioned.  None of those things would make it YOUR fault, not how you look or how you perform sexually.  You are NOT inadequate ok?

So, what I am wondering - since you mention he watches porn - all kinds of it.  Have you considered that possibly he is having all (or most) of his ejaculations while masturbating to porn?  I'm sorry, I know this is a touchy issue, and also very personal.  I would be especially concerned about this if he spends an inordinate amount of time looking at porn - is it every single day?  Is it sometimes for hours at a time?  It is possible, only possible - I have no medical training - that he has become addicted to porn as a sexual outlet. 

I may be totally off base here Rolita.  I just want you to consider it as a possibility.  It might help you to post a more complete story of how often he uses porn and how it has affected your sex life on the board geared to that, which is "How Porn Has Affected Our Relationship".  I post there often, and have personal experience with the issue.  If you don't wish to share personal details on that board, it may at least be helpful to just read old posts and see if you find similarities between your husband and other men who have porn addictions or habits.  You will also see that there are women who have walked in your shoes and will support you as you try to work through the issue. 

In any event, I wish the best for you and yours.  Good luck and take care, Roxy

Thank you for the feedback. I certainly didn't mean that *all* overweight people have hygene problems..This is a touchy embarrassing subject so I'm trying to be discrete yet to the point.

Let's just say that I know one particular person that this issue applies to.

It is unrealistic to expect older women to look like someone from Hollywood, I know this. I was referring to someone morbidly obese.

We can debate this weight thing without any "winners"...But this i'm certain of:

If a woman were to go to bed with a morbidly obese man that had hygene problems, she would NOT be a happy girl.. On top of this, if the guy started urinating when they attempted sex, she would RUN from the room.

Who would blame her? Now let's say the guy started complaining that his wife was "frigid"...

Anyone listening to him just might sympathize with the guy..However we would know that it's not the gal's fault at all.

Again, I've attempted to explain why some men just might no be able to perfom. I guess my point is...take a look at the girl as well as the guy.

She might be partialy at fault for his impotence.

I haven't had a baby as of yet, so I can only empathize with you as to how difficult a physical and emotional effort everything is for you right now. A lot of work & so getting back into any normal routine (evening making dinner/shopping) never mind getting back into a sexual routine must be, everything is now very different, so I suppose let go of the past routines and let every day bring adaptations is the best plan! And Hey - ALL women’s bodies change after they have children lets face it - men should not expect their wives to look exactly the same after they have "run 10 marathons in a row" to produce a child. It has the most stressful impact on our bodies in a very short timeframe, moving bone (pelvic mostly), vascular structures & muscle. That weight loss will happen - give it time & you sound like you are giving it 100%!!!

My problem is somewhere along the same lines. We got married after about 3 years knowing each other and now looking back (ahhhhh hindsight) I can see that the sexual problems didn't just 'pop up' after the wedding. There were there beforehand but I kept blaming the fact that we were planning a wedding, starting a new job and planning to move country on the lack of sexual interest.

I will hold up my hands and say that it is almost all me. My husband has put on a bit of weight the past 3 years & I admit that I have a problem with this in that I find it unattractive sexually. He used to be so fit & so I suppose I was more passionate towards him & now my lack of passion has left us with only his interest in having sex and he is not the most passionate of men (he is very gentle & kind in bed sometimes to the point that I cannot feel any sensation at all). 

I keep as fit as I can by exercising & try to eat well and encourage him to do the same (well I cook most meals as he hates cooking) and try to encourage him when shopping to buy healthy foods (now we live in his country we shop together as my language skills are not 100% yet - before I normally daily shopped) but he will snack and drink beers so hence the weight gain. I’m not perfect but I’m in the fitness business so have to maintain my physique & my husband always comments on how other wives have ‘let themselves go’ and I’m always attractive for him. Why can’t I expect the same of him!??!

Other than that we are very tactile with each other (kissing & cuddling) & people often comment on this fact, but as soon as we are in bed alone I'm uninterested in sex & therefore I suppose him also. Sometimes we can go 6 months without sex however I will feel guilty and so give him oral sex on a regular basis. I have never orgasmed with him through penetration and only a handful of times through oral sex & this frustrates me. I have before with other boyfriends, both ways (I haven’t said this to him as I don't want him to feel as if he is competing - I'm not with them anymore so they couldn’t have been all that eh!?!?) but it does annoy me when he claims that I am a frigid woman. I've tried to tell him what I like, more pressure in kissing and touching, more hand exploration and not to treat me as if I am covered with a tin layer of skin that could be broken by any sudden movement or passionate touch!!

I try to tell him what I like and he does it for a while and then goes back to the old way, then orgasms and I would have to go through it all again next time. I have even tried to tell him outside the bedroom as sure as hell doesn't work while we are 'in the process'. It seems as though - this is his natural way and the only reason it was ever passionate in the beginning was because I found his muscles & trim body very attractive so all the passion came from me & my attraction to him & he just was carried along with it. I'm so frustrated I prefer to 'help myself out' and then just forget about it. I love my husband and want to be with him in the same way sexually as some previous boyfriends but he cannot seem to even act differently in the bedroom. Perhaps we are too different in this aspect and should not be together; or just have to make do with the most we can expect from this relationship, great out of bed – not so hot in bed. Also lately I find myself looking at other men wondering what they would be like as they look strong or passionate. Agh!!

   Hi there

It is my understanding that masturbation is normal and healthy. It can be a quick release and it can be used when ones spouse is unavailable as in out of town or ill. But it is not normal if it is being used instead of  a sexual relationship, if it is being used an abnormal amount of times and if it is being used in conjuntion with porn. Hope this helps.  jljs