Topic : Is This Normal?

He knows all of it and he thinks that there is nothing wrong with the fact that he "wants to have sex with his beautiful wife" and won't believe that this his his problem.  This last Friday it would have been the fourth day in a row that we didn't have sex and he was hinting around that he wanted to do something that night.  I told him that I didn't want to and it was like a light switched and he got up off the couch with this scary look on his face (pupils dilated) and said he won't waist anymore time just sitting around he had stuff to do. (we were hanging with the kids decorating the Christmas tree having nice conversation)  I followed him around trying to get him to talk.  I asked him what the big deal was we had sex the prior Monday.  He said that we should just be roommates and that he will move downstairs because he can't stand laying in bed every night next to his "beautiful wife" and have her not want to have sex with him.  I told him that we were just finally having nice conversation and that was the longest that we talked all week.  I need for him to be positive and have nice conversations more often to feel comfortable enough to do it (sex).  He thinks if he waits for me to want to have sex that we will never do it.  We argued for a couple of hours trying to figure out what to do.  He informed me that night that he won't go to counseling now because he says the only reason I want to do that is because I finally figured out that he is no longer wrapped around my finger and now I am desperate.  The only way that I could think of fixing things was to have sex with him that night and we did.  Now he is back to being lovey and he thinks things are fine.  I know tonight (Monday) that we will have to have sex because the last time that we did it was Friday and we can't do it Tuesday night because I work so it has to be tonight.  I am trying to get myself geared for it.  : (  I just wish we could go for a month having sex when I want to but he's not willing to do that.

You see we have different libidos and have always had that.  I have also known that we can't go very long between each time or he gets extra cranky and he thinks life is so bad.  I guess because this is all that I have ever known I didn't realize that he has sex for the wrong reasons.   I wish I would have known how much extra stress different libidos could cause in a marriage.  I would like to do it 1 or 2 times a week and he wants to 3-5 (or more would be better) times a week.  We do it mostly 3x's or more.  I would like a divorce right now but that would mean that we would loose the house that we live in (which is the house that I grew up in) and our kids would no longer go to the good school that they go to (same school that we went to).  I have a office cleaning business and make good money but I just lost my biggest account and could not afford everything on my own.  I clean at night when the kids are in bed and don't have anyone that could stay there while I work.  The only thing that I can think  to do is to pretend that everything is OK and wait til my Daughter (age 10 1/2 ) is old enough to stay home with the boys at night while I clean. I am trying to find more businesses and figure by the time she is 12 I should be better on my feet and that will also give me time to pay all of the medical bills from my 3rd child and pay off the credit cards so we can both afford to be on our own.  This has been bad between us for almost 2 months and I need to find the strength to deal with it for a couple more years. 

What a strong woman you are. It is understandable that you have to do what you have to do just to get by right now. It is excellent that you have a rough plan, an estimated time when you can get out of this situation. Your husband is a very sad man who allows sex to run his life. Things could be so different if only he were willing to learn how to communicate feelings in other ways besides just ignoring someone and sex. He has the power to make that choice for himself, but he is choosing to stay in his dysfunctional behavior pattern. I applaud you for recognizing this is not what you want for the rest of your life, I know it can’t be easy for you. You really do deserve to have a happy, healthy and full life. So do your children. My advice to you is although he refuses to go to therapy, I urge you to go by yourself, for yourself. You will learn a lot about yourself, such as why you are a people pleaser and when will it be time for you to be happy. I wish you the very best.

First of all thank you all for your words of advice, encouragement, and your kind words.  It is helping me get through this hard time.  ;  )

"Things could be so different if only he were willing to learn how to communicate feelings in other ways besides just ignoring someone and sex. "

I have to say something about this comment.  My husband is actually a good communicator things have been different between us ever since I came to the realization that sex is his medicine in life to be happy.  I know that part of his problem is he has alway been someone with anger, irritability, and anxious issues.  I have been telling him for years that the doctor could give him a pill to take the edge off life.  He hates it every time that I say it.  After my "waking moment"

I told him that if he didn't make an appointment and get an Rx for this problem that I would divorce him.  So he called the doctor the next day and they gave him effexor.  He has been taking it for 6 weeks and I can see improvement in his attitude toward life.  I am hoping in the next year and a half  that I am with him, this pill will help him take the edge off instead of sex. 

My husband and I have been married for 2 years. I have to say we have not had sex in alomost a year. I know I have gain some weight but not that much. He tells me I am so beautifula nd he loves me so much. He treats me so good and he is the perfect husband but we do not have sex, first I thought that maybe he had a problem or maybe not attracted to me but he says he is and now I feel that I'm getting so use to not having sex with him that if he tries now; I might push him away because I'm turning into this comfort zone now. I have a teenager from a previous realtionship and so does hebut his daughter does not live with us unike mine.

I love him and I'm happy with him for everyhting else but when it comes to the sex part...I'm not sure what to think anymore.

Hi Survivor

I read a post or more in which you said a porn addict gets bored with one type of porn and has to change it out for something else. This usually escalates and the porn of choice gets to be more vile or hard core to keep the thrill for the addict. And I understand this. I am wondering if an addict turns to child porn how could one tell if it was part of the addict cycle or if he is a pedophile? I am concerned for someone on another thread and don't feel I know enough but thought you might.  thanks   jljs