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Topic : Is This Normal?

Number of Replies: 1127
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:19:40 pm
Author : dataimport
Your partner asked you to do WHAT? Some things are taboo. Some things are common but just not discussed. Where does your sex life fit in?

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November 8, 2005, 8:18 pm CST

Sex is a shared thing, and exploring should be the most exciting

Quote From: latisha

My husband and I have been married and having sex for two years, but we've been together for six years.  I was a virgin (in everything) and still have never had an orgasm.  I am slightly concerned because he has always felt bad...and its getting worse.  I want to try to have one, but I am scared for many reasons...which I am not sure that I can get into? We don't have oral sex, and we don't usually foreplay...which I don't care for any of it.  What can we do? We really don't have the energy or time to "explore" so is there any easy, fast way to get to the point.  Sex is usually a wam-bam-thank-you-mam kind of deal...and I like it like that since I don't care for sex. Is there any advice for me? 

Of course you have not had an orgasm if there is very little foreplay. Some women never have orgasms, but it sounds to me like you still have a chance. I am surprised to hear the two of you don't explore all avenues of sex that the two of you could share. You say your husband is concerned about you not having an orgasm, but if he is doing a wham bam, thank you Ma'am, then what does he expect. Maybe he is as inexperienced as are you. 

  

Oral sex is one way many women achieve orgasm when they can't achieve one other ways. I don't know if the two of you are repulsed to oral sex, otherwise why would you not have tried it? Foreplay is the most exciting part of sex. It is something that should be done slow and deliberate. It is something that should be like an exploration.  

  

Your husband should be starting with kissing and work his way to your neck and with his lips, and tongue begin exploring your body as if he is searching for something fragile and precious. While softly kissing and brushing your skin with his tongue he should be listening to your body for movement, reaction to what feels good to you and when is exciting you. He should  begin working his way down your body and taking his time to explore every inch of your body, and wow I could go on and on, but they may cut me off here, but hopefully you will get the message, and he will to.  

  

Another thing you could do is explore  role playing games, fantasies. One thing that can bring excitement in your bedroom would be for the two of you to take a  role as someone, such as a knight rescuing his princess maiden, or the fireman saving the woman from a burning building, or many other things, the ones that would wind your watch so to speak. 

  

Another thing would be to go off somewhere together even if it is a hotel/motel in your own area. Sometimes just getting away from what is normal would be something new and exciting, but the main thing is your husband has got to start slowing down and making sure he is actually attending to YOUR needs, and not just his own. Men will get lazy if you allow them to, and you need to make sure he is focusing on your pleasure, it is your job to worry about his. It sounds like he is mouthing concerns in stead of doing anything about it. Make him put his mouth somewhere other than saying he's sorry. 

  

I hope this helps. Good luck, and keep us posted on how things go. Good luck, and great sex! 

 
November 10, 2005, 8:11 am CST

Don't know how to trust

Ok I am goning to make this as brief as possible.  About 6 months ago my husband asked if I would be open to an "open marriage".  I thought it was a joke and played with it for a few minutes then realized he was serious and turned it down with a very firm NO and gave my reasons.  About a month later he admitted to me the reason why he asked is because his friends girlfriend made a pass at him.  He withheld this from me after an entire month of questioning this change in our marriage. 

 Well since then he has been to me untrust worthy.  He gets really friendly with females to the point of flirting (he denies it)  he became their shoulder to cry on.  He will not draw a boundry line when it comes to female he says that is how he is. 

He also has been erasing phone numbers from his cell phone on a daily basis and the home phone.  His excuse is there is no need to let the caller ID build with numbers.   

I have asked him not to communicate with certain females whom I cannot trust and are not friends of mine and he say Ok but will not tell them to stop calling him.  He just wont answer when I am around and then days later he tells me something going on in their life and says oh well I only saw them for a minute.  And these are new girls not old friends of his. 

I tell him constantly "jim you have to help me earn my trust for you again" But he turns down all my suggestions. 

1. thell me where you are going and when you will be back 

2.  Answer your cell phone around me (he immediately turns it to voicemail when I am around) 

3. Be honest with me at all times 

4 Don't try and withhold things from me be open. 

  

I am lost I don't know what more I can do. 

  

 
November 10, 2005, 9:19 am CST

Writing on the Wall

Quote From: pmwood

Ok I am goning to make this as brief as possible.  About 6 months ago my husband asked if I would be open to an "open marriage".  I thought it was a joke and played with it for a few minutes then realized he was serious and turned it down with a very firm NO and gave my reasons.  About a month later he admitted to me the reason why he asked is because his friends girlfriend made a pass at him.  He withheld this from me after an entire month of questioning this change in our marriage. 

 Well since then he has been to me untrust worthy.  He gets really friendly with females to the point of flirting (he denies it)  he became their shoulder to cry on.  He will not draw a boundry line when it comes to female he says that is how he is. 

He also has been erasing phone numbers from his cell phone on a daily basis and the home phone.  His excuse is there is no need to let the caller ID build with numbers.   

I have asked him not to communicate with certain females whom I cannot trust and are not friends of mine and he say Ok but will not tell them to stop calling him.  He just wont answer when I am around and then days later he tells me something going on in their life and says oh well I only saw them for a minute.  And these are new girls not old friends of his. 

I tell him constantly "jim you have to help me earn my trust for you again" But he turns down all my suggestions. 

1. thell me where you are going and when you will be back 

2.  Answer your cell phone around me (he immediately turns it to voicemail when I am around) 

3. Be honest with me at all times 

4 Don't try and withhold things from me be open. 

  

I am lost I don't know what more I can do. 

  

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think you are reading the writing on the wall pretty well. It seems like you are strong enough to put your foot down, so why not suggest marital counseling?  

  

Something "different" might be helpful as well. Introduce sexy movies into your routine, read sexy stories to each other (this is fun! Penthouse letters magazine is a great source), get some new lingerie, do some role playing....... 

  

Unfortunately, if he has a newly discovered talent for flirting, and women are reciprocating, there is big trouble. I know it will be difficult to do, but if you want to save your marriage, I would think you need to find a way to put a spark into it. YOU have the be the one that finds him exciting and sexy. YOU have to be the one to make him feel the way it feels to be wanted and desired.  

  

I am certainly no expert, nor do I profess to know what goes on in your marriage. Based on my prior experiences and exposure to situtaions, this is what I would do if it were me. I am not saying you should do ANYTHING sexually that you are not completely comfortable with. And I am not saying that it is fair that he gets to cause a problem and you have to make an effort to change the situation. I am just saying that if your marriage is worth saving and you are committed to that, these tactics may help direct him back into the "real" world. 

  

Just don't let yourself become "MOM" in his eyes or it is all over. A wife does not insist on knowing her husbands every move, but if he does not respect her enough to meet her needs (within reason), a wife just might kick his butt out! Let him see what the "real world" is like. His episodes of flirting are probably what he thinks day to day life would be like. Well, its not! If it comes down to it, you HAVE to give tough love. People treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. If you allow this kind of questioning and hiding thing to continue, you will turn into MOM and he will rebel. 

Good luck, keep us posted! 

 
November 10, 2005, 10:54 am CST

I understand

Quote From: gbradley89

I have been married for 2 years. my wife and i had great sex for the first 4 months that we dated she then got pregnant. while pregnant she didn't want to have sex and a year after the baby still no sex drive. she was molested by her father from 9-16 it stopped when he died of a heart attack. she said that she never had a sex drive except for those 4 months. we are seeing a marriage consoler and he said that she has no anger and has come to terms with it he is not sure why she didnt have a sex drive. she dose have pain now when we have sex that was not there before. she also said that she was touched every day in any way that you can think of. so when she is touched she wants to shut down. i love her with every thing and she love me very much also we want to fix this but not sure how its like her body was messed with so long that it is trained not to like touch.  

 I was molested as a young girl.  That inturn opened myself up to abuse the rest of my life.  I allowed things to happen that I never wanted to happen.  I am now married and I love my husband soooooooooooooo much.  I find him very attractive.  Yet I have absolutely no sex drive.  I have the same problem with being touched.  I feel like I'm being molested again at times.  I would'nt want my husband to know that becuase I don't think he would understand.  He would be so hurt that he would'nt even be able to see my pain.  One thing I can tell you for sure is DO NOT  push her into doing anything sexually that she isn't comfortable just to try and spice things up.  My husband has done that and I have so much underlying hate and bitterness towards him for that.  When you do that you just become another one of the molesters and a wife should never feel that way about her husband.  A  husband needs to protect and build up.  Try to give the safest most secure environment posible.  Being molested can mess with your head in a way that most people could never understand.  We have three children and we are a very affectionate family.  I know that affection was something lacking in my family growing up and I can't help but think that maybe I allowed the abuse because somehow I was just starving for any kind of affection.  I don't ever want my children to feel that way.  Because of the abuse that has occured in my life there are times that even my children make me feel uncomfortable.  I feel horrible that I feel that way.  I'm sure your wife would do anything to change things if she could. You have to be in this for the long haul because there is no quick fix.
 
November 10, 2005, 11:35 am CST

Be open to new things

Quote From: latisha

My husband and I have been married and having sex for two years, but we've been together for six years.  I was a virgin (in everything) and still have never had an orgasm.  I am slightly concerned because he has always felt bad...and its getting worse.  I want to try to have one, but I am scared for many reasons...which I am not sure that I can get into? We don't have oral sex, and we don't usually foreplay...which I don't care for any of it.  What can we do? We really don't have the energy or time to "explore" so is there any easy, fast way to get to the point.  Sex is usually a wam-bam-thank-you-mam kind of deal...and I like it like that since I don't care for sex. Is there any advice for me? 

Sex is something so wonderful, shared between two people who are in love with one another... I think more than anything the problem lies within you... I think you need to have a night or a few nights to yourself to explore your own body... no man, (not even a husband), can please you unless you know how to please yourself... there is always time to explore and feel new things... find time!!!  I think if you know your own body and your own self better, he will start  to as well... in my own opinion, and i dont think you did anything wrong, sex is better to engage in before marriage, and many people find themselves with a sexual partner they have never explored... but i think you should invest some time in finding out what you want and need... orgasms are not something you should be scared of, and neither are oral sex and foreplay... i think you are scared that you dont know "how" to do it, not that you dont want to know, but youre scared... sex shouldnt only be about him and right now it is... sex should  not  be all about the physical pleasure you get from it but you should also have emotional and mental pleasure from doing it as well... Sex shouldnt be a wam-bam-thank-you-mam kind of deal... it should be something so much more than that... I am sorry you feel so negative about sex... I am sure that if you were open to it he would be happy to please you... ask him to start off with touching you in different ways (all over) dont let intercourse start without you!!!   Later ask him to start going "downtown".. Start off with him touching your hair or your hands (let him do things that people may think are not of a sexual nature) if you are scared to masterbate, then be open with him and learn together what you want and need...  explore and find out what you really like and all women are different so its not surprising that he doesnt know how to make you  "CUM"... no wonder he is frustrated... and upset... i think most men would like to think they can please their women... and i think that if you have been married for this long you can talk to one another and work together through this... sex is something you should both be happy with and all to often i hear of people who dont have sex before they are married and then get married and have no idea what they are doing...  

  

the best advice i can give is just be open to it.. dont disregard the specialness of it...  

  

S7e7v7e7n7 

  

 
November 10, 2005, 11:40 am CST

Not Okay

Quote From: lili_ok

He prefers to masturbate instead of being inside of me. I thought it was wierd and hoped it would change. (He used to spend a lot of time out at sea and is now on solid ground.) I told him that I really love having him inside of me and he's made an effort. I feel like he doesn't enjoy it as much though and wonder if it's normal. The other thing is that he prefers to come on my face and at first I thought it was just fun/ kinky and ok, but he want's it that way all the time. I feel gross now when he does it - I just about hate it and don't look forward to having sex with him 'cause I don't know which way he's gonna want to come. Feels demoralizing. Is this normal? Am I being too sensative? Do a lot of guys do this? Will we ever have normal intercourse? Used to love having sex before with other partners...
I think that you need to tell him how you feel... he needs to know that you are not having fun anymore... I dont think he would like it very much if he knew he was hurting you... if you are not open with him, how will he ever know how you truly feel...
 
November 10, 2005, 11:46 am CST

Dont Trust Him

Quote From: pmwood

Ok I am goning to make this as brief as possible.  About 6 months ago my husband asked if I would be open to an "open marriage".  I thought it was a joke and played with it for a few minutes then realized he was serious and turned it down with a very firm NO and gave my reasons.  About a month later he admitted to me the reason why he asked is because his friends girlfriend made a pass at him.  He withheld this from me after an entire month of questioning this change in our marriage. 

 Well since then he has been to me untrust worthy.  He gets really friendly with females to the point of flirting (he denies it)  he became their shoulder to cry on.  He will not draw a boundry line when it comes to female he says that is how he is. 

He also has been erasing phone numbers from his cell phone on a daily basis and the home phone.  His excuse is there is no need to let the caller ID build with numbers.   

I have asked him not to communicate with certain females whom I cannot trust and are not friends of mine and he say Ok but will not tell them to stop calling him.  He just wont answer when I am around and then days later he tells me something going on in their life and says oh well I only saw them for a minute.  And these are new girls not old friends of his. 

I tell him constantly "jim you have to help me earn my trust for you again" But he turns down all my suggestions. 

1. thell me where you are going and when you will be back 

2.  Answer your cell phone around me (he immediately turns it to voicemail when I am around) 

3. Be honest with me at all times 

4 Don't try and withhold things from me be open. 

  

I am lost I don't know what more I can do. 

  

I dont think that you should trust him... it does sound like he is being pretty shady and screwing around behind your back.. the only reason i am so firm about it is because it happened to me, in just the same way and i was too stupid to figure it out and all i wanted was to trust him.. no one would tell me anything and i guess i just played stupid... i knew in my head what was happening but not in my heart... your heart deserves better and you should never have to worry about the man you love wanting or needing someone or something else.. you should be what he wants and desires...  

  

Let him play his games but make sure it isnt on your time... 

  

s7e7v7e7n7 

 
November 10, 2005, 1:45 pm CST

I read your response

Quote From: kcitsme3

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think you are reading the writing on the wall pretty well. It seems like you are strong enough to put your foot down, so why not suggest marital counseling?  

  

Something "different" might be helpful as well. Introduce sexy movies into your routine, read sexy stories to each other (this is fun! Penthouse letters magazine is a great source), get some new lingerie, do some role playing....... 

  

Unfortunately, if he has a newly discovered talent for flirting, and women are reciprocating, there is big trouble. I know it will be difficult to do, but if you want to save your marriage, I would think you need to find a way to put a spark into it. YOU have the be the one that finds him exciting and sexy. YOU have to be the one to make him feel the way it feels to be wanted and desired.  

  

I am certainly no expert, nor do I profess to know what goes on in your marriage. Based on my prior experiences and exposure to situtaions, this is what I would do if it were me. I am not saying you should do ANYTHING sexually that you are not completely comfortable with. And I am not saying that it is fair that he gets to cause a problem and you have to make an effort to change the situation. I am just saying that if your marriage is worth saving and you are committed to that, these tactics may help direct him back into the "real" world. 

  

Just don't let yourself become "MOM" in his eyes or it is all over. A wife does not insist on knowing her husbands every move, but if he does not respect her enough to meet her needs (within reason), a wife just might kick his butt out! Let him see what the "real world" is like. His episodes of flirting are probably what he thinks day to day life would be like. Well, its not! If it comes down to it, you HAVE to give tough love. People treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. If you allow this kind of questioning and hiding thing to continue, you will turn into MOM and he will rebel. 

Good luck, keep us posted! 

The thing is sex with eachother is great.  We intoduce alot into our bedroom.  I have suggested counseling but he does not feel it is needed.  He adimit to these behaviors and understands that the are causing a problem.  But he does not attempt to change them.  I just feel like I am fighting a loosing battle.  Though all the while he is saying how much he loves me It seems like a game to him and I am at the point of giving him a ultimatium. 

  

Trish 

 
November 10, 2005, 7:43 pm CST

need input

9 months ago I found out that my husband for 15 years is cheating on me,He never admit it but is all in my face he come home at 6-7 o'clock inthe morning when he goes out  on the weekend, for the past 9 months he's been going out every Wednesday. One njght my  sister spy on him they found out that he went and pick up a woman on her house. I was so hurt and don't know what to do I love my husband very much that Iam willing to put up what ever he's doing.He said he loves me and never leave me for onother woman, he is just enjoying he's life before he goes 6 feet under.He call this lady everynight and he doesn't even think about me he 's been doing this for 9 months I cried so many times to him telling him how I feel about it but it does'nt seems to feel me. now  somebody tell me is this normal?
 
November 11, 2005, 2:03 am CST

What is not normal, is your acceptance

Quote From: jeanb629

9 months ago I found out that my husband for 15 years is cheating on me,He never admit it but is all in my face he come home at 6-7 o'clock inthe morning when he goes out  on the weekend, for the past 9 months he's been going out every Wednesday. One njght my  sister spy on him they found out that he went and pick up a woman on her house. I was so hurt and don't know what to do I love my husband very much that Iam willing to put up what ever he's doing.He said he loves me and never leave me for onother woman, he is just enjoying he's life before he goes 6 feet under.He call this lady everynight and he doesn't even think about me he 's been doing this for 9 months I cried so many times to him telling him how I feel about it but it does'nt seems to feel me. now  somebody tell me is this normal?

What is not normal, is your acceptance of this behavior. No one should accept this behavior, and if you would attempt to get a backbone, and see a lawyer, then he would probably change his behavior. 

 

Like the good doctor says, we are only treated the way we "allow" others to treat us. I think he is doing this because he knows you are going to put up with it. If you put your foot down, talked to a lawyer, and he saw you were meaning business, he would do one of two things. He would stop his behavior, or you would get a divorce. If he wants the latter, then he already is willing to not be with you. 

 

You need some sort of support system, counseling or such to find out why you would be willing to allow him to do this behavior. Probably a third of the married men would do what you are allowing your husband to do, if their wives would let them.  

 

Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with. If you are willing for him to behave that way while you are married, how can you call yourself married, except from a legal standpoint.  

 

I hope this helps. Good luck. 

 
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