Quote From: apple24 This is my first time posting and I'm a bit nervous about exposing a few things. I hope this is the right area for it. My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years and we've
never had sex - ever. I'm a 24 year old married virgin and I have no idea why. Previously before marriage we were very intimate and adventurous, although we didn't engage in intercourse because of my values of not wanting to have sex before marriage. But, we never thought it would be a problem. In fact, we were both very excited about getting married and thought we would have no problem in the sex department. But, currently it's like we're roomates - platonic roomates who like to go to dinner, converse, watch movies and maybe kiss once in a while. I understand passion usually subsides a bit after marriage, but I didn't think it would be dead, without even trying. I mean, even on our wedding night and honeymoon - no sex. I'm so absolutely dissapointed, frustrated and feeling a bit unloved and unwanted, and I'm sure he is too.
We've talked about our sex-less marriage before and knew we had to resolve it if we wanted our marriage to last. At the end of those conversations, we usually say "yeah we have to get to that" or something along those lines. Our relationship is very strained, and everyone thinks we're the perfect couple, and I feel like we're being scrutinized and everyone knows. My husband has said that he feels pressured like he has to do it, and it's a turn-off. I understand, but it's not like I'm begging him to hurry up with it, or saying things explicitly about our problem. I just throw subtle hints sometimes when I'm turned on or I try to engage him by dressing sexy or something, but nothing works. He used to sometimes engage me or I engage him, but it never lead to sex. If we are intimate and there's a possibility of itnercourse, he doesn't want to "hurt" me - since it would be my first time. And I'm usually nervous, because I know it's going to hurt. But, at this point I just want to get it over with! And now, for the last couple of months, I can't even get him to sleep with me - he'ss up all night until 6 in the morning playing online computer games - this really makes me angry and frustrated because it feels like he's given up and isn't even giving it a thought anymore.
I know he finds or used to find me attractive, desires and is aroused by me because he sometimes has erections around me and he has told me so. But, it's like the six years before our marriage (when we were "dating") has trained him not to have intercourse, and so now it's like a sexual psychological roadblock (if that's the correct term) that's been erected and stands in our way now. How do we break it down? We've been to a marriage counselor once, and that was a big step for us. However, during that session, the counselor basically told my husband that he was a pervert (because we met when I was 16, and he is 7 years older than I), and that I can't expect him to be my "playmate". Well, we didn't return for any other sessions after that one.
So, I guess I've described all that I can, regarding our problem, and I'm hoping someone may have some insight and/or helpful advice. Thank you.
Dear Apple,
I found a response to your post without seeing your original post and therefore replied prematurely. I am copying and pasting my reply to you with a modification to what i said. I see that you are a virgin bride. Although hopefully by now things have since you last posted. Here is my response for you....
Vaginismus is very real and is a condition present in more women than you'd know. By now I'm sure that you've googled the medical term and found that numerous websites have come up. The person that responded to your post was right in the term she gave and leading in the right direction to findng out more about it. I too had it and still suffer from remnants of it because i am afraid to have a pap smear and still have penetration issues at times. Overall I'd say that i've come a long long way from 13 years of total fear of intercourse. There are generally two forms of vaginismus - primary and secondary. Your condition is a primary form of the condition because like I was you are a virgin bride. Secondary is if a woman has already had sex and even numerous children and she becomes vaginismic. I was 20 when i got married and after a divorce and many years of trying I lost my virginity at age 34. I suffered alot of non-support, accusation of not trying hard enough, being talked about, feeling inadequate etc etc...At the time I was young and let the wrong people know about my condition. It was thrown back in my face. My husband didn't consider it to be our problem and because he was as ignorant as i on what was going on he told me it was my problem and i needed to fix it and I got no support from him and hardly anyone else. Anway that is a very teeny tiny version of my life with vaginismus and my story is long. But I've gone through alot with it. If you go online you will find many stories of women and things they go through with spouse, family even their own doctors concerning this condition. Read the stories and know you are not alone. Know that you are a normal person and you are not less than a woman. I don't want you to feel alone and want you to know there is hope. I hope that you get help for what's going on in your body and find the right gyn/ob and/or therapist that is both knowledgeable and compassionate. Women with this condition find that those two criteria are hard to come by. Currently I still suffer with the fear of getting a pap smear but I know it is going to have to be done soon. I wish you well in getting better. By the way I looked up upcoming shows and the topic on Vaginismus is on the list of future shows. I find that amazing because it is something not well known, researched or focused upon in the gynecological field. I've written to Dr, Phil about being on that show. Feel free to keep talking with me on this post. I hope you check back in often.
