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Topic : Is This Normal?

Number of Replies: 1127
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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:19:40 pm
Author : dataimport
Your partner asked you to do WHAT? Some things are taboo. Some things are common but just not discussed. Where does your sex life fit in?

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November 13, 2005, 11:18 pm CST

What do sexual fantasies about others mean in a relationship?

Is having sexual fantasies about other people healthy in a relationship? 

  

When should it be viewed as a problem?   

  

Is it like emotionally cheating/does it mean that a person is unhappy in their current relationship? 

  

Should it make the other person insecure about their looks or performance if they become aware of their partners fantasies that don't involve them? 

 
November 14, 2005, 4:11 am CST

mutiple partners in bed

hi was wondering if someone can help me out... my husband and i have been together  for 3 years i have done plenty of things in the bedroom that i have never done before with others...now whenever we have a discussion he always bring up the fact that he would like to have another female in our bed for one night....Now is this normal when we   have two children and he tells me that he loves me so much that it would be just a fantasy and one time thing but in the back of my mind i feel like its cheating and if he truly loved me then he wouldnt dare to suggest something like that... I am very shy when it comes to the bedroom and cant imagine me naked with someone else in the same bed... 

  I feel so hurt...he says that if it hurts me that he doesnt want me to do it, but just bringing it up makes me feel really hurt ,like he just ripped out my heart and stomped on it..please help 

 
November 14, 2005, 11:22 am CST

My issue with this...

Quote From: ifonly2004

hi was wondering if someone can help me out... my husband and i have been together  for 3 years i have done plenty of things in the bedroom that i have never done before with others...now whenever we have a discussion he always bring up the fact that he would like to have another female in our bed for one night....Now is this normal when we   have two children and he tells me that he loves me so much that it would be just a fantasy and one time thing but in the back of my mind i feel like its cheating and if he truly loved me then he wouldnt dare to suggest something like that... I am very shy when it comes to the bedroom and cant imagine me naked with someone else in the same bed... 

  I feel so hurt...he says that if it hurts me that he doesnt want me to do it, but just bringing it up makes me feel really hurt ,like he just ripped out my heart and stomped on it..please help 

is this statement:  "now whenever we have a discussion he always bring up the fact that he would like"... 

  

He ALWAYS brings it up???   

  

If he ALWAYS brings it up and you find the discussion painful and extremely hurtful, then someone isn't getting the message.  Either he isn't listening to you or you aren't telling him just how hurtful this is.   

  

If the idea of acting on his wishes feels like cheating to you then to you it IS cheating to YOU and you SHOULD NOT EVER CONSIDER IT.  I suggest that you tell him to NEVER bring it up again and I suggest that you be COMPLETELY HONEST with him about just how painful this discussion is to you. 

  

If he continue to bring it up, then this subject becomes a trust issue and could be considered abuse. 

  

Having multiple partners takes an incredibly strong relationship -- there is just WAY too much room for even a one-time fling to RUIN a good relationship. 

  

If you know that you can't handle it -- which is NORMAL -- for ALOT of partners, then you owe it to your partner to tell him, not only NO, but H3LL NO!!!! 

  

Get his attention.  Tell him NO MORE.  Q 

 
November 14, 2005, 11:29 am CST

My two cents...

Quote From: angelsix

Is having sexual fantasies about other people healthy in a relationship? 

  

When should it be viewed as a problem?   

  

Is it like emotionally cheating/does it mean that a person is unhappy in their current relationship? 

  

Should it make the other person insecure about their looks or performance if they become aware of their partners fantasies that don't involve them? 

it depends on the person. 

  

For me personally, sexual fantasies are just that... FANTASIES.  That means they are NOT REALITY and they are never going to be reality -- not as far as I'm concerned anyway.  If my partner needed to engage in a sexual "reality" with someone else -- well -- he'd lose me as a partner. 

  

It is not a problem for my partner to have fantasies nor it is a problem for me -- we are each okay with it.  BUT if either of us were NOT okay, we would respect the other person and not flaunt it. 

  

I am very happy in my current relationship.  Because we are both honest with each about what we do like and don't like and we respect those thoughts and feelings. 


Fantasies are NOT ME and do not make me feel bad about me.  I am very happy with who I am so some stray thought about someone else or my partners stray thought about someone else does not change my thoughts about who I AM. 

  

But I know plenty of people who would be very insecure fantasies because they are insecure about who they are. 

  

So, to me, the answers to your question, depend on the person.  Q 

 
November 15, 2005, 7:47 am CST

Am i doing something..well..bad?

hey guys..and girls..okay..i recently wrote in another board about me n my ex..how he cheatd on me and jus threw away a year and a half relationship..we got engaged three days before we broke up. i caught him..bu n e way..i was wondering...i am not cryin over this whole thing but i am numb from all the pain hes put me thru..so im going out n meeting new people. He was the first person i slept with..i wasnt his..of course..but he was mine. I slept with my best friend about a week after we broke up. On top of that..i started a brand new vibe in my life. I realized ive turned rebel..im a bad ass..and its not good. but i love it. I have another best friend..his name is GrEg..hes hot as hell..and we've been friends for over a year..and well he wants me to come over n "mess around" and i met another guy at the bank too..and he wants to jus "mess around"..so all in all..since me n my ex broke up..its been a lil over a month..and well..i slept with 2 other people..in that time..do you consider me a slut? people found out about it..who knows how..and now everyone knows and sees me as a slut. The thing is..is it wrong that i like being called that...cuz i see myself as ugly and stupid and fat..i want people to kno that im good in bed..and that i can actually be someone..who  they want..and it would all be grand...well i have to head out but just wanted a lil advice...
<3 ShaNNiN
 
November 15, 2005, 4:18 pm CST

First of all I think you are acting out due to pain

Quote From: littletear

hey guys..and girls..okay..i recently wrote in another board about me n my ex..how he cheatd on me and jus threw away a year and a half relationship..we got engaged three days before we broke up. i caught him..bu n e way..i was wondering...i am not cryin over this whole thing but i am numb from all the pain hes put me thru..so im going out n meeting new people. He was the first person i slept with..i wasnt his..of course..but he was mine. I slept with my best friend about a week after we broke up. On top of that..i started a brand new vibe in my life. I realized ive turned rebel..im a bad ass..and its not good. but i love it. I have another best friend..his name is GrEg..hes hot as hell..and we've been friends for over a year..and well he wants me to come over n "mess around" and i met another guy at the bank too..and he wants to jus "mess around"..so all in all..since me n my ex broke up..its been a lil over a month..and well..i slept with 2 other people..in that time..do you consider me a slut? people found out about it..who knows how..and now everyone knows and sees me as a slut. The thing is..is it wrong that i like being called that...cuz i see myself as ugly and stupid and fat..i want people to kno that im good in bed..and that i can actually be someone..who  they want..and it would all be grand...well i have to head out but just wanted a lil advice...
<3 ShaNNiN

Sometimes when we are hurting, we act out, and at times we act out against ourselves. Every heard the expression "cutting off your nose to spite your face?" Well it sounds like you may be doing just that. 

  

I think you feeling numb can be a defense mechanism, and eventually you will accept the fact that you are hurting. Do you have feelings that I will show him, I will sleep with this one or that one, and it will be his fault? If you are having these kind of thoughts, and are willing to admit that you are, that should show you that you are in more pain than you are willing to admit to. 

  

I hope that you are having protected sex while you are being wild. No matter how much you are hurting, there is going to come a time that you are going to feel better, and realize that he is not the end of the world, and if you are not careful with your sexuality, you may not be able to undo the damage you are now doing. 

  

Sleeping with three people doesn't make you a slut, if you want to use that name. It doesn't even put you in the "loose" term in my book. I think what you are doing right now is wanting to find some way to send a message to this old boyfriend, that he has hurt you, and you are wanting him to hurt, and feel the pain that you are feeling, deeper down than you are willing to accept. 

  

I hope this helps. Please be careful, and until you get this out of your system, which I hope is soon, please at least use protection. Later, you will thank yourself. Good luck, and this board, as well as breaking up, can be a good source of support for going through difficult times. Welcome to them, and again, I hope this helps


 

 

 
November 16, 2005, 7:52 am CST

Re: am i a slut?!?

Quote From: juballl

Sometimes when we are hurting, we act out, and at times we act out against ourselves. Every heard the expression "cutting off your nose to spite your face?" Well it sounds like you may be doing just that. 

  

I think you feeling numb can be a defense mechanism, and eventually you will accept the fact that you are hurting. Do you have feelings that I will show him, I will sleep with this one or that one, and it will be his fault? If you are having these kind of thoughts, and are willing to admit that you are, that should show you that you are in more pain than you are willing to admit to. 

  

I hope that you are having protected sex while you are being wild. No matter how much you are hurting, there is going to come a time that you are going to feel better, and realize that he is not the end of the world, and if you are not careful with your sexuality, you may not be able to undo the damage you are now doing. 

  

Sleeping with three people doesn't make you a slut, if you want to use that name. It doesn't even put you in the "loose" term in my book. I think what you are doing right now is wanting to find some way to send a message to this old boyfriend, that he has hurt you, and you are wanting him to hurt, and feel the pain that you are feeling, deeper down than you are willing to accept. 

  

I hope this helps. Please be careful, and until you get this out of your system, which I hope is soon, please at least use protection. Later, you will thank yourself. Good luck, and this board, as well as breaking up, can be a good source of support for going through difficult times. Welcome to them, and again, I hope this helps


 

 

 okay..yur right..i wanna hurt him..i wanna see him hurt as much as i am. i am going thru alot..its been a month n i still cant listen to songs or i think of him..and i cnt go to bed without thinkin of how he used to sleep by me..and i cnt walk thru the halls of this school seeing people kiss..and make out..cuz then i think of him. I mean i only cried once..since we broke up..but thats cuz i did all the crying when we broke up the first time..i mean hes been cheating on me for over a year..and one of the four ppl he slept with was my best friend from way back..that cuts like a knife..i mean..yea..hes scum..but i will always be inlove with him.and lookin for someone to take the pain away..yur right..im lookin for sum 1 who can make me feel real again..make me feel alive and good about myself. I mean he totally changed from what i seen him when we were dating. Im going to court soon for harassing me..(him to me) and thats gunna be the first time in like 2 months that i would have seen or talked to him..it hurts and i dunno what its gunna be like facing him at court but i have friends and family backing me up..but as i was sayin..he changed..he had me n my family fooled about who he really was..a soldier in the army..a police officer..a person who had life long goals...we tried to start a family..but then i had a mis carriage. i did all that to make him stay with me..im only 17..i dnt want a child. yes it would be grand but look where id be right now. However i changed too..i mean..im sleeping around..i used to be a church girl..a daddys little girl..now i moved out of my dads house..barely talk to him nor my little brothers and sister...and i have tattoo's which i love so much im like addicted to needles...like alst night i hung out with my one friend and after i left..i went to walmart and got sewing needles..and tried to pierce the piece of skin that is undert yur tongue that connects to yur jaw...im messed up..i need help..i was seeing a phychiatrist..but my ex made me believe that i was ok...and so he told my doctor that im not seeing him no more...im not okay..and i def wasnt then. I was cutting my wrists...smokin..doing drugs..worshiping satin...thats not good...at all! well hey i have to head out.. lunch time..so talk to yu later..but thanks for listenin to me babble..im annoying..lol..okay later now..reply back iight?
 
November 18, 2005, 9:06 am CST

Littletear, it sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

Quote From: littletear

 okay..yur right..i wanna hurt him..i wanna see him hurt as much as i am. i am going thru alot..its been a month n i still cant listen to songs or i think of him..and i cnt go to bed without thinkin of how he used to sleep by me..and i cnt walk thru the halls of this school seeing people kiss..and make out..cuz then i think of him. I mean i only cried once..since we broke up..but thats cuz i did all the crying when we broke up the first time..i mean hes been cheating on me for over a year..and one of the four ppl he slept with was my best friend from way back..that cuts like a knife..i mean..yea..hes scum..but i will always be inlove with him.and lookin for someone to take the pain away..yur right..im lookin for sum 1 who can make me feel real again..make me feel alive and good about myself. I mean he totally changed from what i seen him when we were dating. Im going to court soon for harassing me..(him to me) and thats gunna be the first time in like 2 months that i would have seen or talked to him..it hurts and i dunno what its gunna be like facing him at court but i have friends and family backing me up..but as i was sayin..he changed..he had me n my family fooled about who he really was..a soldier in the army..a police officer..a person who had life long goals...we tried to start a family..but then i had a mis carriage. i did all that to make him stay with me..im only 17..i dnt want a child. yes it would be grand but look where id be right now. However i changed too..i mean..im sleeping around..i used to be a church girl..a daddys little girl..now i moved out of my dads house..barely talk to him nor my little brothers and sister...and i have tattoo's which i love so much im like addicted to needles...like alst night i hung out with my one friend and after i left..i went to walmart and got sewing needles..and tried to pierce the piece of skin that is undert yur tongue that connects to yur jaw...im messed up..i need help..i was seeing a phychiatrist..but my ex made me believe that i was ok...and so he told my doctor that im not seeing him no more...im not okay..and i def wasnt then. I was cutting my wrists...smokin..doing drugs..worshiping satin...thats not good...at all! well hey i have to head out.. lunch time..so talk to yu later..but thanks for listenin to me babble..im annoying..lol..okay later now..reply back iight?

I think you are acting out on your pain in a lot of inappropriate ways, and it would not hurt for you to get back into counseling. We all deal with pain in different ways, and even though I don't understand the cutting thing, I know that is a way people of your generation does these things. Just because many of your age do these things, it doesn't make it a good thing or a right thing. 

  

I too have a tattoo, ONE, and I got mine in a place that doesn't show, many years ago. What you need to realize is that you are going to be older one day, and may find you are not as happy with them as you now are. You are only seventeen, and way too young to be getting piercing and tattoos. I know that is not something you want to hear, but realize I was 17 once as well, and I thought I knew everything then. Many of the ways of my personality are still the way I was then, but as one grows, their ideas of what is important changes, and through life lessons, you will have different ideas of what is important and what is right. 

  

I think you need to slow down. Many of the things you mention are self destructive. You right now are hurting and not knowing how to emotionally deal with the problems you are now facing. You don't mention what kind of problems you are having with your family, but try to listen to what I am about to tell you. You only have one family. Your friends will come and go over time, but your family will always be your family. The disagreements you are having with your family may be their lack of understanding of what you are going through, or their not understanding on how you are dealing/coping with the pain you are going through. They may be attempting to show their concerns, and not relating them to you in a way that you realize that they love you and are wanting the best for you. I don't know, but unless some kind of abuse from them is occurring, please try to mend the fences with your family. More than likely they will be there for you, when no one else will be.  

  

I would think you are too young to be dating a person that is old enough to be a soldier, or police officer. I know you feel that this is the end of the world, but at your age, it is just the beginning. I know you think that you will never love someone to the degree that you have loved this man, but trust me, you are wrong.  You have to look at the time you spent with this man, and the break up as a life lesson. This is only preparing you for greater things to come. There is going to be someone out there for you that will love you with the strength and intensity that you have loved this man, and you, whether you believe me or not, will love them back with such intensity that you will laugh at how you thought the love you feel for the man you just broke up with, was real. This is again, a life lesson preparing you for the next journey you are going to partake in, and this guy is only a part of your growing up and maturing. It is not the end, it is only the beginning. 

  

You are going to be happy, but you have to stop focusing on the past and look towards the future. There really is someone out there for you, someone that will love you, and care for you, and will understand you more than you can imagine at this point, because of the pain  you are going through. It will just take time. Healing is a process, and you will make it through this. You will become a stronger lady for it. There will come a time when this will seem trivial, but now it is impossible to realize. It is part of growing. 

  

When I stop and think of my first love, and I do think of her with fondness now, I have to laugh to how much I thought my life without her would be meaningless. I now realize that she was merely a stepping stone in my life. She was like I said a life lesson preparing me for the next step in my emotional growing. When we broke up I was devastated, and I, like you, thought I would never love someone with the intensity of what we shared. I was wrong. I only thought I would never experience something like that, because at the time, I had never felt something stronger than that. Later I came to realize that there was greater things out there, women I would love more and stronger than she, but it was just that at that time, I had not experienced anything greater.  

  

You too will find that. Realize that you are still a young lady, and have an entire life time to experience things greater than you can even imagine yet. Stop hurting yourself, there is an entire cruel world out there standing in line that would do that for you. You need to stand strong, firm, and grow and draw strength from your experience with this man. You need to stop focusing on how much this man hurt you, and begin loving you once again. You need to focus on how much you have to offer not only the next love of your life, and there may be many before you find the MR RIGHT, but each time that will be a learning experience making your stronger, better, and I am sure you have plenty to offer the world, not just a man. 

  

You need to focus on what you can do to make you a better person. You need to focus on what you need to do to prepare yourself to face the cruel world, and what you need to do to prepare yourself to overcome the obstacles the world throws at you. You CAN be that strong lady, that in the midst of adversary, can overcome and like fire tempers steel, the fires of life that you will go through, will make you stronger, better, and you will on day become a prize that others will look up to. 

  

I hope you will take time to digest what I am saying to you, and please don't become offended by some of the things I have said. I am not saying because of your age, you don't feel what you feel. What I am saying is that you have so much more to offer, and so much more to experience in life, that right now, it is difficult for you to see that, because age is a handicap ONLY because of experiences you will have in life, that will make you the wonder woman, you will one day become. 

  

I hope this helps. Good luck, and feel free to post anytime. These boards are a great place to vent, and express the feelings that you are TRULY feeling right now. I am on your side, and I do believe in time, you will develop into a woman to be reckoned with. 

 
November 21, 2005, 1:04 pm CST

My last option

I am 22 years old and I've been to hell and back. I have 2 wonderful kids by a man that beat me, raped me, and even tried to kill me. I put up with it for 2 1/2 years and finally one day I had enough. I met him when I was 18 and fell head over heals. After a month of being with him, I found out I was pregnant. Three days after I had my daughter he raped me until I passed out from all of the pain. This was the first time he did anything really horrible and after that it slowly got worse. I left him when my daughter was around 13 months old. I suspected him of touching her in a sexual maner. Then long behold I found out that I was pregnant with my son 1 week after I left. We got back together, but didn't live in the same house. When I was 4 months pregnant with my son, he tried to kill me because he didn't believe it was possible that he could "create" a boy. I never really saw him after that, because I fled the state in fear of my life and my childrens' life. But what I don't get is that I think about him for most of the day. Justice wasn't served to him and I feel like finding him and killing him for what he's done. He only got 20 days in jail and because he worked he could serve it on the weekends. I never told anyone what he did to my daughter, because I don't want her growing up knowing her dad touched her. He also doesn't pay any child support and didn't have to pay any medical expenses because I had help from the state.  

  

Right now I'm with a great guy. He's done everything for me. He's even helped me get a new car so I wouldn't have to drive around my old one that is damaged from ex kicking it. My boyfriend has even talked about getting married and adopting my kids as his own. I guess you could say he's a saint or even the greatest guy alive for everything that he's done for me. But I can't stop hurting inside. I constantly think about killing my ex and the ways I could do it. I've even thought of hiring a hit man to take him out. The even more sad thing is that I'm a good person and I use to go to church, but now I can't because of where I live. I want to give up so bad that it's taking up the time I should be giving to my family. I'm too embarassed to go to a doctor and tell him I'm crazy. What other methods are out there that will help me deal with all of this, because I don't know how much longer I can stay physically sane.  

 
November 22, 2005, 2:51 pm CST

loving dd

Has anyone that reads on here been in a loving dd relationship?  

My dh and I have an arrangement that if we cannot settle a conflict respectfully and/or I hold a grudge for too long, that he will use loving physical discipline.   This sounds like a sex kink but is not.  (sometimes I wish it was)  I have to admit that it is sexual in a sense,  because it usually ends up that way, like when couples make up after a fight.  

Anyways, physical aggression is limited to one area of the anatomy only, and this is consensual.  He has never caused any damage or gone too far.  This arrangement has worked well for us as far as conflict resolution.  Is this too wierd?   Do you know anybody that practices this?  We are christian, but do not do this for christian reasons.  We believe the Bible is silent on this and just says for the wife to respect the husband and for the husband to love the wife, and for them to mutually submit.  I was thinking that if a couple ever went on Dr. Phil show that practiced this lifestyle, that he would tear them apart.  What do you think? 

Thanks for listening 

lacy 

 
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