Topic : Is This Normal?

Thanks heaps for your opinion...it helps.  I will keep putting it out there in the universe for my perfect guy and building a secure social and home life. In the meantime we'll see if my boyfriend will do the work that's needed before I will totally accept him.  I feel in control and dont you just aaarve that!  I think he is manipulating as I recently read a book about emotionally abusive men and how they trap their prey. I haven't told him yet that I found him on some of these pages, but I have been able to counteract any attempts to manipulate or control me through this learning. Instead of going to counselling he has been talking to all sorts of people trying to find his answers. I love him and it's really tempting to start a new life with him but we will see if he will seek the help he needs and if not...there's my answer.

What's "aaarve?"  There is a good book called Nasty People.  I'm not saying your bf is nasty, just that there are some helpful techniques in the book that you might want to check out.  It's a tiny book--easy to read.

 

I've never had the starting-over technique work with a man, not to say it can't work.  I have tried to forgive and forget, even going as far as tearing up my old journals full of complaints and hurt feelings, only to find that things would go back to where they were eventually.  Some guys do learn lessons and become better partners; I hope your bf is one of those.

well i have to inform you that i back out on the sex thing.

for a few reasons

he is a drug and alcchol user

he seems to take lightly the condom thing i figured out on the first night he tried to have sex with me

he really doesn't want stings and i figured out that i want more then just sex

he is my friend for 3 years and he is 28 also

i didn- talk to him about me never hac=ving sex because also

last night he came back from his europe trip and he called my cousin to tel her he came back into town i was really hurt that he didn-t inform me that he came back into town. with that i figured out my emotions that i allready had a crush on this guy ....

i just said no to the whole thing since i felt like he isn-t listening to me and well then i do believe that things would all go wrong and i would end up really hurt...

when i would have to meet up with him i wouldnt feel relaxed and  said well that aint good.

sooo

i called a guy i was suppose to date before him but i bugged him off and i figured out that well i talk to this guy more then i talk to the guy i want to have sex with.

soo this is over i-ll just cry my eyes out and wait for a normal guy that doesnt do pot and beer everyday and someone who listens to me and isnt just about the sex.

i sent the guy a message a honest sms on the phone saying

 

i like you and enjoy ur company even though u do pot everyday

i dont like that you just want sex from me cause i think to me (since we are friends) that i an insult. and i dont want a friend like u eiither. i can do better then this bullshit.

 

he replyed..

that he really enjoys my company to and that it aint all about the sex and that he planned on visiting me on my vacation...and something like that

 

i didnt even reply i have zero energy for him and i know that i would end up hurt.

i cryed and erased his number!

since i believe he is lieing to me since yesterday he didnt reply to any of my 2 sms messages but he did call my cousin at 11 pm to inform her that he is in town.

she told me that they are just friends

i want out of this mess so that is why i cryed and desided to move on to a guy who deserves my time and love and who will see my as a person not just a sex thing

well till the next sex problem

ill pop bye soo to see if i have replys

so i said no to him on sex since i want more then just sex and i can find it!

 

 

i ALSO feel like i have been forcing my self to just have sex with anyone to get over with it and that that has caused me soo much stress that i really dont need right now

i guess i worry to much and that is very bad

i am hoping to find a new healthlt relationship soon and have sex in a normal relationship since

i see that for me that frist time will be a bit scary and if i have a good and suportive partner that everythign well go well and easy i thought i had that with this guy but i was wrong..

it started off as two friends making out to to people with two different desires

i jsut didnt like how sexually pushy or agressive he was!!!

i need my comfort zone with out it i will feel scared and lost.

love you all and that you so much for all the advice so far

life goes on and i will find something new hopefully soon

:)

Hey, Minniemouse, I think you handled that SO well!  You looked at how he is treating you, his intentions, how his behaviors make you feel and what you really want out of life.  After that, you made a decision and told him.  Crying at a time like this is perfectly normal.  It's usually hard to let go of a guy, even if we know he isn't a good one for us.

 

You saw the red flags--he uses drugs and alcohol and doesn't take condom use seriously.  Also, he wants sex--not a relationship.  It's great that you know what you want for yourself.  It will make it easier (over time) to weed out the guys who don't fit.

 

I really do hope that you find someone worthy of your love and attention.  By cutting this guy off, you are opening yourself up to new opportunities. 

 

I think that it's very smart to avoid the guys who use drugs and alcohol, especially if it's every day.  I've been with a few different types over the years and things are definitely missing when someone uses drugs/alcohol.  The intimacy isn't there.  I hope no one comes to scold me on that opinion, but I want to share anyway.  It all comes down to what kind of relationship you want and how you want to be treated.

 

Figuritout

Minnie, you will find someone.  You don't need to worry about what the guys think.  When you find a good partner, he will be patient and loving and will not hold your virginity against you.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.  If a guy bugs you about it, just run the other way; he's not worth your time.

 

I hope you'll keep us posted.  I will try to remember to check back at least once a week to see if you've written.

I had a difficult talk with him after reading some of Dr Phils advise. I wanted to make sure he understood how much he hurt me and to know that I would never recover from a break up again. He listened intently and nervously to every word. He made sure I understood that we were broken up when he was with another, and he wouldnt risk loosing me ever again as he was so hurt last time because I was looking for others on the dating sites. (I took control and suggested a break from him that time and wanted to see who else was around)  It made him sort out his feelings.  It's too painful to be apart. I again insisted that he attends sex couselling. He made the appointment the next day. He rang me to tell me how it went and he was so so thankful that I made him go. He's wanted to go sort his problems for 20 years and didnt. He's relieved to get some help, medical and emotional. We are going together tomorrow and he's so excited.

That's great news--he went to a counselor for help!  I really think that's what he needs.  It might not be an issue that takes forever to resolve.  He might just need someone to tell him that we all (don't we?) have a little anxiety when committing to someone because that means we're excluding all other potential sexual partners.  It's a choice.  None of us can know what we're missing when we choose to be with someone.  We just make a choice and see how it goes.

 

Anyway, now he has a chance to get some help with this.  If he still chooses to take "breaks" and have sex with other people, you will know that you are with someone who just wants to sleep around--until he chooses to stop. 

 

I hope it works out for both of you.  Will you keep in touch and let us know, either way?

 

Take care.

I dont even know her last name much less what her email is, i have questioned him about not bein single a few times and he got kinda mad and said that he is as single as they come.

 

It's not that im bored actually just lonely i should say, i never have been in a relationship the guys i've met always wanted something else instead it was basically sex with most of them except for a few.

I work full time and will be going to school in the fall to take some classes, but i generally stay home not hanging out with anyone cause i don't have any friends technically here, im shy and have a hard time connecting with others. Every once in awhile i go down to chicago suburbs to see my friend.

 

All of the  things he wants me to do doesnt sound actually exciting, but i don't wanna get rid of him either. He likes the hard core stuff it seems and its not my thing, but im still pretty much going along with it. I guess he has never done any hard core stuff during sex cause i have asked him before.

We talked last night and we got into this conversation

He says " im going to eat a girl out and love it "

i said why? the taste would be horrible, it would make me sick, it makes me sick just thinking about it.

He says " i will be fucking you when u do it " i say So, then he goes u will love it and maybe she will want you as her slut also

I say " u can't make me love something that i never done and never had interest doin in first place

his response " u will for me"

that would make me bi if i were to be her slut and i wont be another chics sluts thats worse than being yours, all he said to that was ok

i say being yours is one thing, but being a slut to a chic thats just gross and im not goin bi

he responds " my goal is to make u not care"

i ask why? as long ur with me u should do what ur master tells u

i ask what even doing degrading stuff? he says im not going that far

well i dont know everything that u have in mind, he says " truth"

nothing in public, dont worry about that he says dont worry about what i ask

y is it yr goal to make me not care? cause i want my lil slut to be obedient

i say "i am to other guys, but u have higher standards "

he responds total control... lol

 

i was just talking and seeing what his responses were, but i thought they were idk what wanna call it. he gets into this way sometimes when we chat, i dont know if its a mood or what. He doesnt talk like that all of time maybe cause it doesnt come up, idk i find it kinda disturbing.

He has asked me a few times if i would get my nipples pierced i told him no, but then he goes 

 if we dated, what if i bought one of them, if i would, would you?

 

 

 

I cant seem to have sex.. as soon as i enter my girlfriend i cum.. I've had this prob as long as i can remember but i really love this women I'm with right now.. I wanna really make love to her, but she don't want anything but the real thing inside her, how do i really go about in fixing myself, she doesn't wanna help much.. she thinks all it takes is maybe pills or talking to the doc.. we both love each other and I'm real Happy she still wants me in her life.