Topic : Is This Normal?

Hi all, Me and my boyfriend started dating in 2005. In 2006 we both decide to explore the swinging lifestyle and we started with soft with 2 couples and had our first full swap with one of those couples. We also kept going to this couples club and had soft fun there. But in late 2006, we had some major fidelity issues involving cheating/lying and since then we have had a very turbulent relationship. On and off kinda thing. And we've had trust issues since then. We still go to the club for soft fun but somehow Im not too comfortable with the idea anymore because of hurt emotions from the betrayal. So now instead of fun, swinging brings back bad memories of him and the other woman. And ive always heard that the relationship should be trusting and strong in itself to be able to enjoy swinging. He doesnt seem to co-relate the two and is lil insensitive as to why I feel this way. I feel guilty abt keeping him from the fun and also feel pressured sometimes by him. The more i withdraw , the more he is getting fixated with swinging. Please help cos i dont want our relationship to be destroyed, at least not over swinging.   Help!!! Thanks so much, Nicki

Wow that is a difficult one. But if there are trust issues then you should not be swinging even if he wants to. Swinging can only be done in a relationship where both partners trust each other completely and even then there needs to be a willingness from both partners to do that. At one time their was that in your relationship and now some things have happened so that the base for swinging has eroded away. You both should step away for a while.

It is difficult that he doesn't link the two together but even if the two have no bases together he still needs to stop as long as you are not comfortable. Him presuring you brings you in an uncomfortable position which I think isn't fair from him. Did you explain it clearly to him why you don't want to do that for now? and did you do it on a non sexual moment? (not five minutes before you where supossed to go to the club)

And you say that you don't want the relationship to end over swinging but is it just that then? there is more that is happening if he is so fixated on the swinging and him presuring you. Aren't there problems underlying this conflict? Might not be just checking...

More then this I can't give you, sorry
Good luck,

oet_gaol

as i sit here crying my eyes out ( seems to be the norm lately ) i am so confused and do not knwo what to do , i have been married for 10 years and we have 3 kids at home , The problem is my husband sends me mixed signals he has been sleeping on the couch for almost a year now . He tells me he loves me he never goes out , he works hard then comes home then to bed , About 6 months ago i caught him online on a singles web site and yeah i was upset , he told me i had no reason to be upset  and got mad then he did stop , ( see what i mean by being confusing ) i knwo he hasnt cheated on me but i feel like he was shopping , ya know what i mean , also things have not changed in the way of , i am still the one who takes care of the bills and he calls me at every break just to say i love you , well things are getting bad as far as we argue it seems like ALL THE TIME NOW . but when he wakes up in the morning its like nothing was said , i try and talk to him and he says nothing is wrong , but yet , he dont sleep with me ,( no sex either , not that he would say no , because i know he would ) but becasue we donot have intimacy i cannot do this , does any of this make since ?? I  freak out when he starts yelling at the kids for no reason , he doesnt yell at me , but he will yeall at them , OMG i am feeling like we are roomates or something ya knwo , I have even told him that its okay if you want a divorce i just need to know , then he will say like stop talking like that i love you , PLEASE HELP < thanks................ gloria

I think the problem is not that there's stuff you don't wanna do. I believe the problem is more the reason WHY you don't wanna do it.  In my opninion (which is mine, I don't want to tell you you are wrong per se, just offer another perspective) "morals" are no good ground to deny trying certain things in your sex life. Personally, I would be quite pissed if my boyfriend would refuse things in bed based on what is "morally ok" or not and I'd most certainly understand him being pissed for the same reason.

Your sexlife is just about you and your partner, not about what is constituted to be morally right or wrong. I know people who refuse to try anal sex because "it's just not made for that and it's wrong". Well, then I think: what the heck?  Refusing to try it because you don't like the idea, con't feel comfortable with someone putting stuff in there because you worry about for example stuff coming out all brown, making a fool out of yourself etc. is a whole different thing, in my humble opinion.

Take the porn thing for example. Isn't it possible he would have less problems with you not wanting this if the reason was you're not comfortable with it cause you feel like it's not YOU who turn him on? That it makes you feel like something else turns him on and you're just (crudely put) the object that happens to be around so he can get off on that feeling? (please correct me if I interpret this wrongly) I think now you've made it all about ethics for him and I can very well understand it's frustrating for your partner that bloddy (excuse the language) ethics get in the way of your sexual creativity.

Wouldn't it be better for you if he asks you your opinion about sexual things based on if you are comfortable enough in your own skin to try them, not based on if you think it's ethically right? Cause that's what moral is all about, and as far as I'm concerned, ethics have nothing to do with either a good sex life, or the trust you have in your partner, or how good you feel about your own sexuality (Or at least I don't think it SHOULD have anything to do with it).

Her morals aren't the problem if you read closely, she did try those things but they are there at all times. She doesn't feel sexy because they always need the toys.

Besides it takes two to tango if either one is uncomfortable with certain things you need to leave them and try something else that works for you both

i have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. We are talking about marriage and have moved in together. I have always known about his fetish with watching women smoke and being turned on by it although i have never understood it. In the beginning it didnt really effect me because he never expected me to smoke for him and would become aroused with or without the smoking. As time went on he would ask me to smoke for him and I was fine with it. However, now that we have moved in together it has gotten out of control. He can not become aroused at all unless I smoke for him. It makes me feel like i am not good enough for him. We get into huge fights about it when i try to talk about it with him. He refuses to discuss it. A few months ago he started talking to a girl online who was a smoker and even brought her to his apartment. He told me that he did not have sex with her but I doubt that is true. Now he constantly pursues girls online who smoke and masturbates to girls in smoking videos online. We are no longer having sex because he now prefers to masturbate rather than become physical with me. I fear that he is cheating on me. I hate going out in public with him because if he sees a girl smoking he becomes fixated on her and cant stop staring at her. I have chosen no to enable his fetish by refusing to smoke in front of him and it has only made things worse. We fight every single day to the point that he pushed me and put his hand over my mouth when i tried to get him away from me. I love him so much but this is too much! What should I do? I cant possible marry him when things are like this. What can i do to help him get over his fetish or at least make it more managable?

I am not married but I have been with my boyfriend for three years. I have found that the more we fight the less intimate we are with one another. It is hard to be intimate with someone when the two of you are always fighting. When issues are left unresolved they cloud your ability to relax enough to get close with your partner. As time goes on and more and more issues are left unresolved they pile up and make it impossible to become close.  You need to get him to talk about those unresolved issues. Get away from everything with him if you can and go on a "date". Getting out of the environment seems to help my partner and I. We have become closer by talking about things and started doing things and getting out more. I know what it is like to fight every single day and get no where because he wont talk about it. You have to just tell him that you are unhappy and start improving your communication.  I am no expert obviously but I am working on a masters degree in psychology and plan to specialize in couples therapy. I hope this helps.