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Topic : Is This Normal?

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Created on : Friday, July 01, 2005, 05:19:40 pm
Author : dataimport
Your partner asked you to do WHAT? Some things are taboo. Some things are common but just not discussed. Where does your sex life fit in?

 
rankin9

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July 24, 2005, 7:13 am PDT

No sex

My husband and I have been married four years and we have never had sex. we did have sex 2 times before we got married. He cannot get and erection, so I got some cialis and he wont even take them. I dont know what is going on???? I have talked to him and asked him to help me out you know orally (gosh how embaressing) and he wont do anything.. He has done oral before and acted like he enjoyed it, but NOTHING now. I am sleeping on the couch now by myself and he stays in the bedroom all day long. He only talks to me about the news, but if i need to talk to him he listens and helps me out. I dont know what to do.

tia
 
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branrw21
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July 24, 2005, 4:58 pm PDT


My husband and I have been married four years and we have never had sex. we did have sex 2 times before we got married. He cannot get and erection, so I got some cialis and he wont even take them. I dont know what is going on???? I have talked to him and asked him to help me out you know orally (gosh how embaressing) and he wont do anything.. He has done oral before and acted like he enjoyed it, but NOTHING now. I am sleeping on the couch now by myself and he stays in the bedroom all day long. He only talks to me about the news, but if i need to talk to him he listens and helps me out. I dont know what to do.

tia

Somethings going on. I think you need to gradually open him up and ask him what's really going on. It's like he's completely shutting you out when the conversations are about him. That may be a self-esteem issue. Has he ever acted this way before?
 
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ouspanky
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July 25, 2005, 8:41 pm PDT

yicks

i was kind of in a similar experience. I was dating a guy 2 months and had sex a couple times a month for a couple of months and then all of a sudden it stopped.  nothing for 8 months.  he would not even try anything or act like he was in the mood.  prior to him stopping i noticed that sometimes he would not get as hard as others or would go limp when i touched it.  i just kind of blew it off but after we had not done it for a while you almost feel as if you did something wrong.  i was not sure how to approach him about it but did not want it to be the cause of why our relationship ended.  i would breifly mention it and he would give me an excuse that i was not so sure about.  i wanted to try and get him to go to counseling because i think it was related to self-esteem issues.  we never did but eventually ass of a sudden he changed one moring and now we have sex about 2 times a week...which is good for me.  I just think that there has got to be an underlying issue as to why but the hard part is finding it out.  Four years is such a long time and not fair to you.
 
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smcdaniel
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July 26, 2005, 2:51 pm PDT

fantasizing

My husband and I love each other very much and have a wonderful relationship.  We have no trouble communicating, no real issues, nothing is wrong.

 

We were talking the other morning in bed before we got up, and my husband said that sometimes when we have sex, he thinks about other women.  No one woman in particular, and it's not all the time, but I was very surprised by this.  I have no problem with him looking at pornography occasionally; I understand that this is just another sexual outlet and it doesn't bother me at all.  But to think about someone else while we are actually having sex? 

 

He says it means nothing and that it's normal; that all guys do this sometimes.  Is that right?
 
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qqqhhh
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July 27, 2005, 11:06 am PDT

Sounds like...

Quote From: rankin9

My husband and I have been married four years and we have never had sex. we did have sex 2 times before we got married. He cannot get and erection, so I got some cialis and he wont even take them. I dont know what is going on???? I have talked to him and asked him to help me out you know orally (gosh how embaressing) and he wont do anything.. He has done oral before and acted like he enjoyed it, but NOTHING now. I am sleeping on the couch now by myself and he stays in the bedroom all day long. He only talks to me about the news, but if i need to talk to him he listens and helps me out. I dont know what to do.

tia

Sounds to me like he's really embarrassed.

 

It also sounds like he may have erectile dysfunction -- the reason for that could be medical or it could be mental.

 

I think that you should try to get this subject out on the open -- which may be pretty tough to do.

 

Rule out the medical FIRST and then work on the mental if needed.

 

My two cents... Q

 

 
 
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qqqhhh
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July 27, 2005, 11:15 am PDT

My opinion...

Quote From: smcdaniel

My husband and I love each other very much and have a wonderful relationship.  We have no trouble communicating, no real issues, nothing is wrong.

 

We were talking the other morning in bed before we got up, and my husband said that sometimes when we have sex, he thinks about other women.  No one woman in particular, and it's not all the time, but I was very surprised by this.  I have no problem with him looking at pornography occasionally; I understand that this is just another sexual outlet and it doesn't bother me at all.  But to think about someone else while we are actually having sex? 

 

He says it means nothing and that it's normal; that all guys do this sometimes.  Is that right?

Even though I can say that I am not the most experienced partner in the bedroom, I've been married 3 times and all have said they fantasize about other women and sometimes about other men -- if you want to get really honest.

 

In my current marriage, I was also surprised to find out that my hubby's many past girlfriends ALSO fantasized about other people INCLUDING women.

 

I also could care less about porn.  I fully understand that porn is ALSO fantasy and it is NO reflection of me or who I am.

 

So I choose not to take any sexual fantasy personally.

 

I also fully believe in trusting my partner and giving him the benefit of the doubt.  He has given me NO reason not to trust him.  If my hubby says that a fantasy during sex means nothing, then I TRUST HIM to mean what he says.

 

Personally, I would RATHER he be completely honest with me than keep any secrets, you know?

 

Q
 
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smcdaniel
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July 27, 2005, 2:26 pm PDT

Is This Normal?

Quote From: qqqhhh

Even though I can say that I am not the most experienced partner in the bedroom, I've been married 3 times and all have said they fantasize about other women and sometimes about other men -- if you want to get really honest.

 

In my current marriage, I was also surprised to find out that my hubby's many past girlfriends ALSO fantasized about other people INCLUDING women.

 

I also could care less about porn.  I fully understand that porn is ALSO fantasy and it is NO reflection of me or who I am.

 

So I choose not to take any sexual fantasy personally.

 

I also fully believe in trusting my partner and giving him the benefit of the doubt.  He has given me NO reason not to trust him.  If my hubby says that a fantasy during sex means nothing, then I TRUST HIM to mean what he says.

 

Personally, I would RATHER he be completely honest with me than keep any secrets, you know?

 

Q

I really, really appreciate your taking the time to reply to my question.

 

I do completely trust my husband, and he has given me absolutely no reason not to trust him.  He is a wonderful person.

 

Thanks again!
 
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warmjersey
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July 27, 2005, 8:42 pm PDT

Fantasizing

Quote From: smcdaniel

My husband and I love each other very much and have a wonderful relationship.  We have no trouble communicating, no real issues, nothing is wrong.

 

We were talking the other morning in bed before we got up, and my husband said that sometimes when we have sex, he thinks about other women.  No one woman in particular, and it's not all the time, but I was very surprised by this.  I have no problem with him looking at pornography occasionally; I understand that this is just another sexual outlet and it doesn't bother me at all.  But to think about someone else while we are actually having sex? 

 

He says it means nothing and that it's normal; that all guys do this sometimes.  Is that right?

For me, this is normal.

 

I've been reading about the women on these boards indicating that sex should be ONLY about them. ie - "my partner should be focussed only on me".  And I was wondering what their spouses are REALLY thinking during the deed.  And what spouse would admit to thinking of anything else.

 

But when it's my turn, and I'm ready to explode - my mind does wander, for a few moments.  When the intensity subsides, I come back to reality, my wife.  Hopefully we are both content and happy to cuddle.

 

This fantisizing seems to happen primarily in the missionary position,  When she is on top, the focus reamins on her.  Maybe that indicates that the woman needs to be an active participant.

 
 
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queentween
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August 1, 2005, 4:13 pm PDT

He id depressed

Quote From: rankin9

My husband and I have been married four years and we have never had sex. we did have sex 2 times before we got married. He cannot get and erection, so I got some cialis and he wont even take them. I dont know what is going on???? I have talked to him and asked him to help me out you know orally (gosh how embaressing) and he wont do anything.. He has done oral before and acted like he enjoyed it, but NOTHING now. I am sleeping on the couch now by myself and he stays in the bedroom all day long. He only talks to me about the news, but if i need to talk to him he listens and helps me out. I dont know what to do.

tia

 Ok, I don't know you at all, but it sounds like he is depressed- if he stays in the bedroom all day- does he work? He only talks to you about the news- nothing else? The erection thing is a minor issue compared to everything else- a penis ring will give him an erection, but if hes lost interest in everything else, that isn't going to do anything- believe me- if a man wants sex and can't get an erection, he will find other ways to do it! He needs to see a therapist- now!  ps- Viagra and cialis only work if a man wants to be aroused- plus they have so many drug interactions, that they are detrimental to a persons health....
 
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annanut
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August 9, 2005, 5:56 pm PDT

I agree depression, but...

Quote From: rankin9

My husband and I have been married four years and we have never had sex. we did have sex 2 times before we got married. He cannot get and erection, so I got some cialis and he wont even take them. I dont know what is going on???? I have talked to him and asked him to help me out you know orally (gosh how embaressing) and he wont do anything.. He has done oral before and acted like he enjoyed it, but NOTHING now. I am sleeping on the couch now by myself and he stays in the bedroom all day long. He only talks to me about the news, but if i need to talk to him he listens and helps me out. I dont know what to do.

tia

I agree that your husband may be suffering from some kind of depression: as the previous post points out he stays in his room all day, and a lack of interest in sex also may indicate this. But it is also possible that he is asexual ( someone who does not experience desire for persons of either the same or opposite sex). Whether or not this is due to something traumatic which happened in his past, anhedonia (lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities resulting from depression), or genetics is anyone's guess. But given that you have never had sex while married and not often before, unless he was depressed this entire time I don't think it can be attributed entirely to a mood disorder. In any event, you should seek professional counselling, either to find out if there was a trauma and treat it, or to find out that he is a genuine asexual, in which case you definitely have to think about how important sex is to you, and come to terms that he may never want it. Although he has done it before, it may have been because he loved you very much and wanted you to marry him. It is also possible that he is homosexual, and may not even consciously 'know' it himself. I just think that, given the duration of this problem (which would tend to indicate dysthymia rather than MDD) there is something more than neurochemistry going on here.
 
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