Topic : Is This Normal?

Oh yeah, and by the way, look how many Christian marriages are just as easily falling apart anymore...and many of the very people who feel that divorce is wrong are all the ones who are stuck in dead-end marriages!  I am a Christian, but had to endure my parents' own difficult marriage.  They are still married, but it has been rocky.  So many times I wished they'd divorced.  I know that today is different because my mom prays consistently for my dad, more and differently than what she ever did in the past.  I truly believe that has made an impact, even though my dad is agnostic.  And I know that if any marriage has an unwilling Christian partner or non Christian who doesn't want to help the marriage, then divorce is not wrong.  It is a case of being unequally yoked in that instance, and sometimes you don't even know that until after time goes by after being married.  Some people only show their true colors then, or change for some reason or another.  Sorry for blabbing about faith on here if it offends anyone, but that is just my humble opinion...

I am staying just for that reason.  The bible says the only reason for divorce is Adultery.  The reasons for separation though are more.  I have to go by that standard.  He is an Atheist, and that's OK.  I married him before I became religious.  The bible also says that I should stay with my unbeliever so that he has a chance to start believing.  But...I have made a decision!  I am going to get skills, then I am going to save money and leave.  I cannot remarry, but that's OK.  Bible also says unless adultery has occured I cannot mary another man.  So...I will leave with the intent of him getting better.  I have tried to fix things with him.  He will not go see a couselor.  He will not be a part of our lives, and he says he loves me.  He is a recovering Alcoholic for 8 years, and I think I just can't live with his behavior anymore. 

I just wanted to share this with you, as it is off the divorce board, and it may or may not help you. 

  

From the DIVORCE message board: 

  

am 20 years old and been married almost three years!!  

  

I met my husband while we were both in the military. When we first met he was charming and just a wonderful man!! Soon after we got married that all changed. He started calling me names and yelling at me. He has belittled me,cheated on me,gone out with his friends and gotten drunk,he has pretty much done everything but hit me. Now I am a very strong willed woman and if it was anyone else but him I would've kicked him to the curb. But I love him and also my religion says not to divorce unless there is adultery. Also my religion says to forgive. I am very torn because I have two kids with this man. He has calmed down on the calling me names and belittling. But he still doesn't really show me any love. He doesn't help out with the kids ahrdly at all. He really never shows any affection unless he wants sex. He pretty much goes to work and watches tv. He never ever takes me out anymore. I can't remember the last time we actually had a date. I am trying so hard to make this relationship work. I am a stay at home wife. I cook,I clean,I watch the kids,I take care of all the animals. I work hard everyday. He has no complaints about how I run the house because there is nothing to complain about. So is it unfair for me to want some attention?? I am trying so hard to do everything for him and be everything for him, but it seens the more I try the worse it gets. Right now I am to the point where I have told him he needs to find somewhere else to stay because I can't handle it anymore. But I can't divorce him because it goes against my religion. At the same time I don't really have the feelings for him that i used to. It's hard to love someone who acts like (or maybe does) hate you. I really don't know what to do anymore. Since I am a stay at home mom with two children, I don't know how I would survive on my own with two children. Not to mention I know there would be a huge battle over the kids. What should I do??  

 

My reply to her post 

 

I don't know what your religion is, but if it is of the Christian faith, leaving your husband, especially if he is abusive is not the sin, remarrying, having fornication after parting is the sin.   

   

It sounds to me, the emotional abuse you are going through is plenty reason to leave. If you are of the Christian faith, Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians, wrote in the 7th chapter a lot about this very thing. He talks about the responsibilities of the husband and wife, it even talks about marrying outside your religion, or marrying an unbeliever. This should have come up if prior to marrying him, if you are worrying about doing what the scriptures talk about.   

   

In the10th verse of that chapter, it talks about "a wife should not depart from her husband," 11th: "but if she should actually depart, let her remain unmarried or else make up again with her husband, and a husband should not leave his wife." So see it doesn't say you can't leave, it just says you should not remarry, without it being considered fornication.   

   

No one should stay in a relationship where they are being abused, physically or emotionally. Like the good doctor says; Children would rather be from a broken home than to live in one!" Maybe your husband acts the way he does because he knows your religious convictions. Maybe if you got him out of the house, and would not allow him back unless counseling took place first, and he proved himself for at least six months, he would come to his senses, and attempt to get back in to his responsibilities as a husband. Paul's letter is clear, you can leave your husband, and I can't remember if it is that place or not, but if your husband takes up with another woman afterwords, well he will have then broken his vow, (fornication) and that would give you the right to remarry someone else, if that ever came to pass. The scripture says except for fornication, which if he took up with another woman that would be it.  

   

No matter what, don't stay another day in an abusive relationship. I am sure OJ's ex wife whose abuse started out emotionally, never thought his would turn deadly, and this happened after they were divorced. Find help from a women's group in your area, your religious leader, unless that leader wants to tell you you can't leave, as I have already shown you that is not true. Get some help and guidance, talk to a lawyer, and these boards are a great place for support.   

   

I hope this has helped. Good luck, and keep us posted.  

Wait until marriage? Well, OK, if you must. That's a choice everyone must make for themselves.

Personally, that's like buying a car without traking it out for a test drive. Sometimes you get a great car. Sometimes, a lemon. And just like buying a car, if it's a lemon, you are stuck with it. (Backing out of a marriage is about as easy as getting your money back from the car manufacturer. Actually, divorce might be easier!)

Question for you: If foreplay is routine for you, what makes you think sex is goimg to be any less routine 12-24 months after marriage?

That's a really difficult situation to live with every day for someone who needs sex. I have a friend who is in the same situation, and he is extremely frustrated and feels very lonely and emotionally shut-out because his sexual needs are not met at all. In his case I really feel his wife does nothing at all to be more accommodating and take her share of effort in the relationship to create more balance but deprives this man completely from any sex. 

Sexual compatability seem too important of an issue to ignore before one gets married. I think you should really take your husband for a complete health analysis with a good anti-aging physician. It may be that his test/hormone levels are low so its really hard (no pun intended!) for him to get aroused - and would have nothing to do with what effort or any fault made on your part. They may put him on an anti-aging regime. Also, excersize gets the energy levels going and I am making an assumption here that you guys are perhaps not sufficiently active in sports or outdoor activities which may be another contributor to his low sex drive. 

  

  

  

  

That you love to be in your birthday suit is your preference and may not be anything wrong per sey, but I do agree that once the kids get to a certain age you need to keep your toolbox in the box, so to speak. It may be normal in a society like the rainforest Indians - all nude all the time. But our society is not like that and children do need the exposure suitable for the surrounding they live in, not something too extreme in contrary to what they will face everyday in their life. I dont understand parents that wish to push too extreme ideas of their own onto children which may make them outcasts in their own society and environment.  

Besides, it may be positive for you to keep your undies on. There may be people who find out about it and make assumptions that you are a perve and report you. I think your wife have come across something, or seen some event take place with you perhpas without your knowing over the years which has suddenly changed her view of your nudity or made her imagine to suddenly find it perverted. 

Dont you think there is a time and place for everything? Do you have to have it your way all the time or are you flexible? Why not ask your wife if she feels allright if you visit nudist colonies now and then since she is so against you being nude in the house? Invite her to come along, but if she doesnt want but feels its OK for you then the both of you would have what makes you comfortable. 

  

  

Why not make "a girl thing" for you? Plaster your bedroom walls with many, and huge posters of naked, gorgeous men with enormous plonkers that would make a horse look poorly endowed. 

  

I will bet anything that he will hate it. But it may make him think a bit. Some men are like machines; there's just zero though-process in the northern regions. 

normal? i have doubt in  my mind that dr. phil would approve of  your behavior. why you ask? 

  

1. you are lying. would never consider cheating? is that why you had plans to meet some guy from las vegas you met online no less, at a hotel for the weekend?! but that's not cheating, right? you even lied to him, told him you are not married, right? ok, i know, you love your husband though...(uhhh...yep, you are showing the love alright..) 

  

2. busy lifestyle? "tiff", laying in your tanning bed is not considered having a "busy" lifestyle. your house smells like a barn, and you don't even cook dinner for your kids..so one has to wonder, what the hell DO you do all day?!  

  

jesus, i could go on and on, but i have probably embarressed you enough..sad really, you lie to everyone, your husband, your friends, your family, sleazy men you meet online...most definately lying to yourself as well. and whats worse, you posting messages on this board, messages that are nothing but crap, wasting real peoples lives, looking for sympathy when you have dug your own hole by the actions you have chose. no one believes the crap that comes out of your mouth, we just tolerate it. you are by far not normal. you need help. i do not feel sorry for you.  

  

oh, and obviously, all of those dr. phil books haven't helped, otherwise you wouldn't be the person you are today....pathetic. 

I have been seeing the same guy since 2003 and he was my first serious boyfriend. I see our relationship in the future but my mother thinks I should break up with him to date more people. I was happy with the relationship until she said I need to see other people. Now it is all i can think about. She even mentions other guys that would be good for me to date. She likes the boyfriend I have now but she says he is no good for me because he is not going to college. It bothered me so much that I actually tried to break up with him. He was really sad and I was as well. The night it happened he was very calm and caring. We held each other and just cried. I felt like I broke his heart for nothing and I decided that breaking up was just not what I wanted to do. Now he is starting school soon and I'm happy for him but I still think about what my mother said. I understand that by dating other people I can distinguish between abuse and control in relationships. This was one of my mother points, but another was that i should have sex with other people. Why? Yes the guy I am with is my first. I just want to know if anyone else thinks it is normal to have sex with only one person their whole lives or if my mother is right and I should break up with the man I love now to see other people?