Topic : Is This Normal?

There could be a few dynamics at play.  His viewpoint on it could be psychological or phobic.  For example, if he is okay with the act but has a slight phobia about germs, then you two would have to work it out how to change the setting so that he is more comfortable.  It is true that there is a concentrated amount of bacteria and other microbials around "that" area of the body and that bad hygiene can lead to infection.  However, if both of you have good hygiene, the risk of infection isn't significant.  My guess is that he could read a bit about it and maybe a little education can ease his mind.  A hot tub, for example, isn't bad for killing a large amount of bacteria so he may feel more comfortable about it in that setting.

If he has a psychological barrier about oral sex and deep kissing, that might be harder.  Maybe if you two talked about it non-confrontationally, he could identify what is bothering him.  Some things may be taboo to him personally.  On a scale from 1 to 10, how repulsed is he?  If he feels incredibly strongly about it, then it's not likely that he'll change.  If he's merely bothered by it, he might be able to talk through his fears or whatever and change his point of view.

Either way, his hesitancy might not be anything to do with you, so don't take it personally.  Your job is to be understanding.  He might not change but you can be supportive.  It sounds trite, but have you talked about it? 

I doubt that there are many men like him, but Phychologists would tell you that he is withing the "normal range". For him, this might be as hot as he'll ever get.

(The range is quite wide: Cassanova would be considered "normal" as well.)

I know you would probably want to fix him, but that would only be possible if and only if he wants to change.

The $64,000 question is what do YOU do about it? "Deal or No Deal?"

Hallejuah, bro. Bang on! (Pun intended)

Could you do me a tiny little favor. Hit your Caps Lock key one more time. Reading paragraphs with ALL CAPS is very difficult on the old eyes. While God may have given me my eyes, he doesn't provide me with eyeglass coverage and new glasses are too expensive.

Thanks, dude.

A surgeon I am friendly with told me that his vasectomies have a 30% failure rate.  He said that after the procedure, he tests and if the result is negative for active sperm, the man is sterile.  Yet he has up to 30% of these men returning and asking to have the procedure performed again because they believe they have caused a pregnancy-in spite of a new test again showing no active sperm! 

  

He said that he has repeated the surgical procedure-entirely unnecessarily (which is an ethical violation) just to allow the man to continue to believe since he clearly needs to so badly. 

  

BTW-marriage doesn't need to die.  I have been in an open marriage 22 years and it is very successful.  Our children have a stable, happy home and we are an economic partnership that won't be broken and split up.  It just takes honesty. 

i resently talkin to my ex-boyfreind and he says that all he wants right nowis to just have sex which is fine by me wat i want to know is can u just have casaul sex with an ex with out it gettin weird cuz he says hes no ready to jump into any thing yet and im not sure if i am either

It will get weird no matter what!
The facts are: you were boyfriend/girlfriend at one point, and now you are not. There are reasons you are not boyfriend/girlfriend anylonger, remember? If you were just having sex with one another, then he went out with other girls, how would you feel? You might think that you would be okay with it now, but think long and hard about it, because it won't feel very good at all! You might think that once you start having sex with him again, he might want to have a relationship with you, but that isn't neccessarily so.
You could have casual sex with your ex, but even with ground rules, its gonna get weird!

It would seem that your relationship has evolved into something other than your traditional boyfriend-girfriend intimate relationship. If you are able to have sex with one another, without demanding committment from one another, then there's no reason that anything should get "weird".

For proof of this, all one has to do is read Margret Mead's 1928 book, Coming of Age in Samoa. The Samoan culture espoused casual sex for women, allowing them to defer marriage. Adolescent girls and boys were encouraged to experiment sexually. Did this make them "weird"? According to Meade, "...the passage from childhood to adulthood (adolescence) in Samoa was a smooth transition and not marked by the emotional or psychological distress, anxiety, or confusion seen in the United States."

Granted, the U.S. is not Samoa in 1928. (Too bad.) We have yet to throw off this 2,000+ year old  Jueao-Christian belief system that sex is inherently "bad". I pray to God one day that may happen. (Perhaps I'm too impatient. It wasn't all that long ago we were burning people at the stake. So much for thie idea that Christianity is a tolerant religion. OK. So I'tm going to burn in hell for making that statement. I'm prepared. I'm taking lots of suntan lotion.)

There's nothing wrong with casual sex as long as both partners agree. But this is only true if you truly honest with yourself, and he with himself, with regard to your feelings to one another. If, however, you really wanted to develop a committed relationship, or he wanted one from you, then problems will start.

Ask yourself, should he find a new woman in his life, are you prepared to let him go so that he can persue his new relationship? And he needs to ask himself, should you find someone else, will he be able to let you go? If both of you can truly say "Yes", then go for it! There's nothing wrong with casual sex.

Warning: There is a risk that you might end up falling in love with one another. Bonus! But neither of you can secretly hope for that otherwise you aren't being honest with yourselves.

Good sex!

I'm new to this topic and am reading over a few posts and can I say WOW! I cannot believe there are people out there who believe what I believe about monogamy and women and sex.  I got married almost 10 years ago and have had a number of sidebar relationships... while my spouse has had his suspicions, he's never collected adequate evidence.  I'm in the process of trying to get out of my marriage though because I don't want it to ever be found out while I'm married and there's no sense in me even thinking I'm going to stop because I love sex too much - call it hypersexuality

You've must have been hanging around lawyers --- "sidebar" is an interesting term. (Isn't that a threeway between the two opposing lawyers and the judge? Oh behave!!!!)

Kidding aside, it's interesting to find out that this old world is a much more sexual world than we were led to believe as children. It's too bad our institutions have yet to catch up. They will. I can remember in the 60s when Divorce was still rather unusual. Now it' a national pastime.

I have a question for you: Have you considered that you husband may be OK about your "sidebars"? Who knows? Perhaps you can have your cake and eat it too. For all you know, he could be having sidebars too. If you are going to divorce him anyway, what's to lose getting this out in the open?

I dunno about the US of A, but here in Canada (as I understand it) infidelity is grounds for divorce, but all that does is move the date you can get divorced up a year. Instead of requiring a year's separation before a divorce can be granted, you can get it right away. There are no financial repercusions. Property is still split 50:50, and support still calculated according to a formula. So, there's no real risk to having an affair. (Besides, getting a divorce in anything less than a year is pretty well impossible anyway, so getting divorced on grounds of extra-marital wrong-doing is a moot point. Better to wait the year and not bother collecting all that yucky evidence.)

Things might be different south of the border. The U.S. legal system is a lot more adversarial than good ol' dull boring non-confrontational, peace loving, we-say-sorry-way-too-often Canada, eh?