Topic : Is This Normal?

Quote From: mmhamilton

Loveless Marriage

 

My husband and I have been married for more than 26 years.  We have raised five children together.  I honestly loved him when we first met and married.  As I look back now, I'm not sure if he really loved me or just wanted someone to raise his three children.  He mentioned several times that he found it difficult to find a second date after he mentioned that he had been married previously and he was raising his three children.  Me, on the other hand, loved children and was impressed that he not only wanted to be a part of his children's lives, but also decided to raise them on his own.  I know I loved him the very first time that I met him.  He was so kind and gentle.  I also had a child from a previous marriage.  My son adored him right from the beginning.  We dated for two years, lived together for another two years and then we married.  We have always had children since the day we met and that never created any problems.  Now, however, after all of our children are grown and gone, we have absolutely no love life at all.  We haven't had sex in nearly fifteen years.  He won't even sleep in the same bed as I do.  I honestly don't believe that he is going without, even at his age.  Me, however, I will not go against my wedding vows, so I will not cheat on him.  I just do not believe in adultry.  Even though I am in my forties, I still want and need to be loved.  Sometimes that's all I can think about, I just want someone to love me.  There is one man who insists on asking me out but I continuously decline his offers.  Deep down I want to say yes to his offers but I can't get past the vows I took when I married my husband.  Has any of you ever had a problem like this?  Does anyone have any helpful suggestions for me?  Do you think that I should consider dating the man who keeps asking me out?  I sure could use some advise and some help.  Sometimes I'm so lonely that I actually ache.  I need to be loved.  I know that may sound strange to some of you, but it's the truth, I yearn to be loved and I haven't even had so much as a kiss in fifteen years.  I am so lonely.  Can someone please help me.  I'd send this to Dr. Phil if I knew how.  I really could use some professional advise but when I suggested counselling to my husband, he absolutely refuses to consider it.  He says he refuses to talk to a stranger about his personal problems.  Please, can someone help me!

Quote From: kathy2407

My husband frequently has sex with me without even kissing me.  Is this normal?

Quote From: tinabtmi

My husband and I have been married 21 years. For quite sometime he has been after me to have sex with his friends. It started with x-rated movies, moved into toys, and now this. I did do this once about 3 years ago and i didn't like it. I told him I didn't like the way it made me feel and I just felt like it was wrong. I don't want to be with someone who wants me to be with someone else, even though he is there. He was upset for a while because he wanted me to return the favor. But I can not watch him have sex with someone else or have sex with a girl with him. When I did it I didn't think he would actually go through with it. How can a man watch his wife have sex with another man and still love her? I feel like I am not enough for him anymore. I don't know if he will ever feel satisfied. If I give in again, I feel like it won't be enough. ?????? Now that I won't do it, while we are having sex, he wants me to tell him who I want to have sex with and what I'd like to do with them. What should I do???

Quote From: rideabike

My husband and I rarely have sex. He appears to have ED, along with a very small penis. His ability to keep an errection and  please me has been a problem since the beginning of our marriage 16 years ago. For years I have tried various things to keep us sexually acitive -- clothes, toys, music, candles, etc., but he has never taken an effort to do anything. Finally this past year he went to the doctor to find out about his ED, only to get medication he will not take. Also, in the course of our marriage he has always looked at porn, I have caught him on computer, and he has masturbated 3 or more times a week in bed before he gets up in morning. I don't believe he realizes I know about him masturbating. I have never said anything because I don't feel a desire to have sex with him and feel it may be the only sexual satisfaction he receives. As for me, I have learned to live with sexual needs that are not met.  I deeply recent him for not being a sexual partner, emotionally and physically disconnected from me, and would strongly like to divorce him but we have 2 children and financial considerations that keep me married to him. Is our lack of sex, my husband's masturbation, and my desire for a divorce all in the realm of "normal behavior"?

Quote From: shygirl_86

 i know how u feel my boyfriend wants me to have sex with him and another female. And im not going to share my bf with some other woman... if hes thinking about having sex with other females it makes me feel like im just not enough for him.

Quote From: david916

There could be a few dynamics at play.  His viewpoint on it could be psychological or phobic.  For example, if he is okay with the act but has a slight phobia about germs, then you two would have to work it out how to change the setting so that he is more comfortable.  It is true that there is a concentrated amount of bacteria and other microbials around "that" area of the body and that bad hygiene can lead to infection.  However, if both of you have good hygiene, the risk of infection isn't significant.  My guess is that he could read a bit about it and maybe a little education can ease his mind.  A hot tub, for example, isn't bad for killing a large amount of bacteria so he may feel more comfortable about it in that setting.

If he has a psychological barrier about oral sex and deep kissing, that might be harder.  Maybe if you two talked about it non-confrontationally, he could identify what is bothering him.  Some things may be taboo to him personally.  On a scale from 1 to 10, how repulsed is he?  If he feels incredibly strongly about it, then it's not likely that he'll change.  If he's merely bothered by it, he might be able to talk through his fears or whatever and change his point of view.

Either way, his hesitancy might not be anything to do with you, so don't take it personally.  Your job is to be understanding.  He might not change but you can be supportive.  It sounds trite, but have you talked about it? 

Quote From: acb1030

I am a bit uncomfortable with the terms "Normal" used in this Topic.  What's normal is anything that consenting adults want to do with each other as long as neither one is doing something that s/he is uncomfortable with or neither is just doing something because the other partner has somehow talked them into it.  Each partner has a right to the sanctity of their body and have set lines that can't be crossed, despite whatever the other partners wishes or desires. 

 

As a woman, I'd say most women expect a little romance before sex- which includes pillow talk, cuddling, kissing and nonsexual touching.  Maybe that turns to sexual touching and french kissing along the way, but being close is a good way to start.  Rather than guess, the important thing is if you want to be kissed you need to ask to be kissed or kiss him.  Men are mostly happy to oblige -- just ask and see if he has some kind of objection to kissing you.

 

You get a say in this too, ask and maybe you shall receive.  [smile

 

Quote From: smcdaniel

My husband and I love each other very much and have a wonderful relationship.  We have no trouble communicating, no real issues, nothing is wrong.

 

We were talking the other morning in bed before we got up, and my husband said that sometimes when we have sex, he thinks about other women.  No one woman in particular, and it's not all the time, but I was very surprised by this.  I have no problem with him looking at pornography occasionally; I understand that this is just another sexual outlet and it doesn't bother me at all.  But to think about someone else while we are actually having sex? 

 

He says it means nothing and that it's normal; that all guys do this sometimes.  Is that right?

Quote From: acb1030

Well, it sounds like your marriage has gone about as far as it can go.  Marriage is about several things: sex, companionship, sharing, comfort and it sounds like you're getting none of those things. 

 

Divorce your husband and get on with your life.  You're young and can find a better situation for yourself.  However, first end the marriage and then set about to find the things you need.  Don't compound your husband's bad behaviours by seeking out a sexual partner yourself.   You seem like  a kind and decent person.  Why stop being that now?

 

I just want to say that a man who approachs a married woman in this fashion is looking to take advantage of her weakened state. He knows you're not truelly available-- he's happy to sniff around for whatever he can get because he knows it costs him nothing.   Avoid that man like the plague.  He's a sexual predator who wants to use you for his own ends.

 

A good go is far better than a bad stay.  It seems that any avenues to heal the rift have been foreclosed by your husband. Let him go-- there is life after divorce.  Otherwise, you'll be an old person with decades of regrets.    I wish you all the best. There is no greater loneliness than appearing to the world as a married couple and being so apart as you are.  Been there done that, and it's souless.  Save yourself.  All the best.

Quote From: mikey23

 That was great advice but your selling some men short (not all men). You said that the man that wants to ask her out has bad intentions because of her weakened state. Some men and do mean some men are only in this for the the very short haul, but there are some that aren't that way. They may be few and far between but there are some "GOOD" guys still left in this world. My suggestion to the lady is to out to coffee in a restraunt and find out what kind of person this man is and if he is in this for the long or short haul. She's the one that has to see his intentions and let things go where they might.