Topic : Is This Normal?

We meet a person at a certain point as they [and we] travel down the road of life.  To be able to have a relationship [and real love] with that person, we have to accept them for who and what they are, and where they have been. If we're unable to do so, we need to be kind to them [and ourselves] and let them get on with their life. 

This scenario very much seems to be your problem.  But I don't think you can just get over it.  It's there, it's real and it's a deal breaker.  The way you feel is neither right nor wrong, it is simply how you feel.  Nothing can change that, so why try to contort yourself to make the situation work?   She's just wrong for you, no matter how far you are willing to bend to keep the great sex.  There are many women who share your values as there are potential partners for your lady who share her values.

I was married to a man who had been badly hurt by another woman.  His way of dealing with me was to accuse me of sex with other men while pregnant and give me the third degree when I said hello to men on the street.  It ruined our marriage.  I went back to college after my son was born, and knew there would be hours I'd have to account for.  I had done nothing to deserve this-- it was his problem. 

I'm going to guess that you have limited sexual experience, and so while your girlfriend shares and shares, you've got not much to contribute.   You're mismatched.  You seem extremely judgemental which is yet another reason to leave the situation. She's being honest and open and you're keeping score.  This isn't healthy and it stifles communication.

Beautiful intelligent women [the same as all other women] have been raised on the same crap all over America --Some day her prince will come and meanwhile back at the ranch, she's kissing alot of toads. It is entirely possible that she's a serial monogamist [and still racked up the numbers].  Consequently, she's gotten into situations that she didn't expect or feel comfortable with.  It happens-- more often than not.  I'd say that's more about the base desires/crude uses a man puts vulnerable women during casual sexual encounters [why pay for it when you can abuse a trusting heart] to rather than an indictment of your lady.  We've all been deceived and taken advantage of, given more than we can afford in the search for love. Ask any woman.

It doesn't sound to me at all like you're in love-- it sounds like you're using another human being to work through your own problems--  with alot of sexual action, superiority, and obsession  thrown in for good measure. That's not love-- that's codependency.

You say she's open and trusting--  You'd think she'd learn with enough head kicks.  Since you asked--my advice to you is to get on with your life and leave this person alone.  Do yourself and her a favor.  Life is hard enough, why force it?  Good luck.

I just wanted to applaud your strength in drawing the line and not going along with your husband's desire to share you out like a box of chocolates if that doesn't appeal to you.   You have just as much right as the man does to set the tone and absolutes of your sexual relationship.  No means no, it's as simple as that. 

If you'll hate yourself and feel dirty if you do something you don't want to do, then don't do it.   If it's wrong for you, it shouldn't be done.  Sexuality is very much an individual and personal thing.  If you don't like the movies, toys etc. don't engage in these kinds of sexual practices. It's your body, and you're not a thing to be used for his sexual practices.  You get a say in the matter too you know.

If you love your husband and only want to have sex with him as an expression of your love why should you have to pretend that you're hot for someone else? It's a compliment to your husband that after 21 years of marriage you're still happy with him.  

Finally, if you should do or say things that are not in keeping with who you are you'll feel like a fake, build up anger inside, and all the negative things that interferes with a good sex life.  Sounds like the road to no sex at all.

Finally, you know what you want to do, and what you don't want to do.  Be firm and draw the line.  You have every right to do so.  Your husband doesn't get a vote.  You'll be happier and respect yourself [in the morning] .  Good luck.

Well, it sounds like your marriage has gone about as far as it can go.  Marriage is about several things: sex, companionship, sharing, comfort and it sounds like you're getting none of those things. 

Divorce your husband and get on with your life.  You're young and can find a better situation for yourself.  However, first end the marriage and then set about to find the things you need.  Don't compound your husband's bad behaviours by seeking out a sexual partner yourself.   You seem like  a kind and decent person.  Why stop being that now?

I just want to say that a man who approachs a married woman in this fashion is looking to take advantage of her weakened state. He knows you're not truelly available-- he's happy to sniff around for whatever he can get because he knows it costs him nothing.   Avoid that man like the plague.  He's a sexual predator who wants to use you for his own ends.

A good go is far better than a bad stay.  It seems that any avenues to heal the rift have been foreclosed by your husband. Let him go-- there is life after divorce.  Otherwise, you'll be an old person with decades of regrets.    I wish you all the best. There is no greater loneliness than appearing to the world as a married couple and being so apart as you are.  Been there done that, and it's souless.  Save yourself.  All the best.

I am a bit uncomfortable with the terms "Normal" used in this Topic.  What's normal is anything that consenting adults want to do with each other as long as neither one is doing something that s/he is uncomfortable with or neither is just doing something because the other partner has somehow talked them into it.  Each partner has a right to the sanctity of their body and have set lines that can't be crossed, despite whatever the other partners wishes or desires. 

As a woman, I'd say most women expect a little romance before sex- which includes pillow talk, cuddling, kissing and nonsexual touching.  Maybe that turns to sexual touching and french kissing along the way, but being close is a good way to start.  Rather than guess, the important thing is if you want to be kissed you need to ask to be kissed or kiss him.  Men are mostly happy to oblige -- just ask and see if he has some kind of objection to kissing you.

You get a say in this too, ask and maybe you shall receive.  [smile]

Maybe you could try to fulfil his fantasy TO SOME EXTENT, meaning put on some makeup, a wig, and some sexy lingerie, and just be "someone else". It might spice things up, he's still with you, and YOU might just get a night to remember.  And as for him asking you who you'd like to be with and what you want to do with them, maybe you should answer him with "I want to be with you, and I would like to.....(you fill in the blank)