Topic : Is This Normal?

This sounds strange just posting this - but ... well for the past year or more I've been feeling very unloved and unappreciated. There is a lack of sexual contact in my marriage - it's not non-existant however, it's very limited shall we say. On my husbands part.

I feel like we are trying to work on that contact part of our marriage. (I'm doing most of the work - but he is starting to respond.)

However, this is the strange part - feeling lonely and being at home alone - I've found myself fantasizing about another life - you know the 'grass is always greener' type of thing?

I'm an educated mature woman - what the heck am I doing spending an hour sometimes - daydreaming? I have a whole fictional family without all the drama and passionate moments (of course my fictional husband is handsome and has the face of a movie star!) LOL - you would think I was 12 years old again and swooning over some superstar.

Why is this happening to me?

You are trying to escape the problems in your life, like any other escape (food, drugs, exercise, writing..whatever) you don't feel the pain you are in now while fantasizing. The problem with this is it will continue to get worse and worse. I did this during a hard time in my marriage....and I ended up having an emotional affair. All it did was make things more complicated, it certainly didn't fix my issues and instead of having just one issue, I suddenly had many.

Not that this will happen to you...just telling you where my fantasizing lead.

And you are right, it is a "grass is greener" kind of thing. The guy I had my "affair" with was very different then my husband, he actually made me very thankful to have my husband, despite our sexual problems.  I realized the grass is only greener if you care for that grass...dreaming about other grass will just make both lawns brown and dead.

Ok, so not sure where to put this so here it is...

 

I have been married for over 3 years now and our relationship has been great our sex life just as good!

Well last night my husband forced himself upon me, I told him to stop and that it hurt about 5 or so times but he wouldn't stop...

He finally did, and then apologized saying he thought that's what I had wanted... !!???

 

Is it considered rape when a spouse does it or is it just a miscommunication?

 

I feel really upset and trashy since it has happened, is this normal??

I would say it depends on how well you know him and if you feel like you believe him when he says that he thought it was something you wanted. Ask him what gave him that idea. Maybe he was talking to some idiot friend who told him that this is a good way to spice things up.

I have been married going on 9 years, the sex has never been "great", "heated" or even "satisfying" to say the least, but my husband is an awesome person, for the most part, he is very supportive of my dreams, when I am down, he is very compassionate, he is very protective of me, but when it comes to spontinaity, new ideas, doing it in obscure places or times, he is never "down" for that. It has to be in the "proper" place. Just recently I confronted him about these concerns before he left for work. He said he was not happy with our relationship and the way it was going either (not unhappy enough to talk divorce tho), but I told him frankly, "Do I love you? Yes. Do I ever think the grass would be greener some where or with someone else? Yes. Have I had an affair on you? NO, do I wonder about it sometimes? YES! Do you make me feel attractive? No. That is why I go out sometimes, because other guys pay attention to me. And I did tell him, we are lawfully and spiritually responsible to meet each other's needs, and we are in dangerous territory if we do not fulfill eachother's needs, because there is always ready to meet these needs.

 

I would never.....well, I have never actually "entertained those thoughts", because I feel if I think about it too much, I just may follow up on it. I really think our husband's need to wake up and realize what they have, and whether it be "medicine" they have to take for their "in-ablilities" what ever! Just do it. We have to take anti-depressants, whats the difference? Do what you gotta do.

 

My husband is 8 years older than me, I am in my late 30's, so he just thinks he can't "keep up". Well, I do agree. I hear that women's "prime" occurs in our 40's, so I guess he's in trouble.

kerri81 -

I've never understood when a husband would rape a wife. Do I believe it happens yes I do.

It's not okay in my opinion. If you said stop or no - then he should have respected that.

It's my opinion that now it's up to you to make it clear this was not okay.

Would I be able to call the police on my own husband - not today - but I haven't been through what you discribed.

Peace to you.

~~~~
on my own petty note at this point - thanks
Penny and oh I can't remember your name - I'm sorry - now I can't look back.

Once you mentioned that I'm trying to comfort myself and hide from my issues it was like a bell ringing. Since the first of the year I've been using excercise to help me find an outlet for my frustration. (The side effects I thought would be pleasing to my husband - but ... I don't know he seems somehow upset by them at times.) Which leads to distanceing .. the cycle continues.

I do need to watch my steps. I do love my husband and want to make him happy as well as myself.

That communications hurdle just seems SO big!

I'm lucky...I find communication to be very simple. I talk and talk and talk until people want to puke at me...LOL

I have been married eight years and our sex life is only when she allows it. She holds out on me because I do not provide her enough. The only time she wants to have sex is if she is drinking and not just a glass of wine. We live a very upscale neighborhood, she gets a very fair clothing and whatever allowance, a credit card for shopping, gas, grocery, target and always an additional shoe or clothing charge monthly. She is a good person but the "keep up with the jones" nor the appreciation for the value of money drives me crazy especially when she says it is not enough so she holds sex out. I am willing to have sex with her anytime just give me a 15 second heads up. We are both college educated and I just sold a business to a hedge fund. I tell you this to get a fair opinion on if she should be able to hold this over my head in the bedroom.

It makes me want to not give her money but then we would end up with prostitution in our own marriage and I am sure that is not healthy but lack of sex isn't either.

We are good friends and parents but we cannot get past this issue. She is a homemaker and we have two beautiful children. We have a maid, a beach condo, and a country club membership. 

Maybe I think too much of myself and what I provide to be halted every time. 2 times sober in the last two years. I know my way around the bedroom and I in good shape. What am I missing and should I assume this is doomed?

Who i am to said it is normal or not normal ? Dear Ron i am 53 yrs , married for 3 yrs and no children We did have a good sex live until 1 or 2 year agos.He sleep on the cough , and i am in the bedroom .Life is to short, and i am very attrative lady .Your spouse is very lucky lady and i think she is using you . you said you been sober 2 times in the last 2 year? I been sober 18 year ,my husband do not drink thank God.You ned to this program for yourself .Do you have a sponser ? Do you go to lot of meeting ? I do not known if she having a drinking problems? What about counseling ? I do not think you take to much of yourself . Good luck to you .I do not known if i help /

 

Tanwoman_Fl

Hi everyone,

 

I am a first timer here on this message board. I hope it will help me a lot, because I really don't know who I would talk to.

 

Me and my husband have been married for 1.5 years now, and to get straight to the point, he is somewhat addicted to pornography. Now I have read some of the messages about this, and generally people agree on that it is not real, and just fantasies.

 

If you read my profile then you see the situation here a little bit. We once had a huge argument up to a point where we almost left each other, because my husband did not want to be married anymore because he just wanted to sleep with different women. When he calmed down he realized that is was not what he wanted in life, he wants a family and children, so we forgave each other for the fighting and moved on.

 

He still looks at a lot of pornography, and I tell him that if it's the way he wants to cope with things, it's fine.

 

It's not actually. I know my way around with computers very well, and I can track down everything that went on. I don't know why I look at the things he's been looking at, but I can't help it, I wish I could just ignore it. It makes me feel very upset, sad, miserable, and angry, up to a point that I can't stop shaking.

 

Is this something strange? Why am I so darn upset about it? I really don't understand what's going on and I need an outsider to help me before I do something really stupid.