Topic : Is This Normal?

I don't really know too much of genophobia, but you should check out this site http://www.changethatsrightnow.com/problem_detail.asp?SDID=6484:1473

For both your and your husbands sake, I really hope you can get past this. Do you know just why this fear appeared in the first place? This thing would seriously take its toll on most relationships, and is definitely worth looking into. Check out the site. They seem to offer both home studies and consultations, and in my opinion, you really need to try and overcome this.

Good luck!

-A

I'm 28 years old and i have never had sex. It's interesting that I can talk to it about here since i feel safe and I know I will be understood by someone. I am looking for a little help so that I can subconsiously exhail. I have been carign a fear of rejection since I am 14 since i left my home at that age and was sent to a private school in europe. I never talk to any counsler about this or any one. I have learned how to over come all my fears except the fear or rejections. The storz begins at the age of 14 when i felt rejected from my parents for sending me to a school far away  from home. I was so mad that  I never told them how scared and alone i felt, and that I wanted to go home.

I cried for 3 months straight and I assume i was in a depression that no one noticed. Today I am really mad cause none of the adults around me ever thought that I would need to talk to someone to help me cope with the big change and separation in my life. One morning I woke up and I was exhausted from the tears I felt and I was exhuasted from the sadness that over came me so the only way i knew how to move on with my life was to tell myself i didn-t need emotional connection with people cause they were going to hurt me anyway. I was find from then I started dating and I never managed to be in a relationship longer then 3 months since I felt trapped and scared after that period of time. The fear of rejection totally effected my sex life.  I got scared of having a sexual relationship cause i was afriad of rejection and getting involved with someone emotional and them leaving me at the end, and i was afriad that i couldn-t deal with the emotional lose again it was once too painful and i was scared to death to experience that type of lose again.  I got into a fantastic emotional relastionship with a verz supporting man i was 16 he was 18 and he didn-t rush me or anything, i wanted to have sex with him after 3 months but for some reason I freaked out cause i was getting emotionally involved with him and left him. I never told him why I left. After that I had on and off very short relationship that lasted a few weeks, nothing to lomg to get attached to. When i went to college and had a boyfriend at the age of 21, I decided the following. Ok 1. He is a friend, I can emotionally open up to him I get over what ever happens, 2. I can have sex. I feel safe.

So I dated that guy and when it came down to the fact of where I wanted sex he rejected me . He told me he didn-t want to have sex with a virgin. I was shocked and hurt. I was emotionally crushed. I pulled back into my cacun and emotionally pulled back once more.  I moved on crushed. I met many men who were very nice to me and I was just hurt emotionally from this guy who rejected  I felt the same emotional pain that I felt when I was 14. At the age of 23 I met this really nice guy who became my best friend, he had no idea why i was so sad but he was the biggest emotional support I had that one year. He was alway there for me on an emotional level. Then he moved away to another country I was really sad because I lost a dear friend. I was that crushed that I wrote him a very ugly letter. Of course with out saying why i was hurt and so on. Well up untill now the age of 28 I was really and still am afriad of rejection. I now moved back into my brothers neighbourhood so that I would feel emotional safe. Now I was finally teaching myself how to let go and not to be afriad of emtionally attachments then the worst happened. My fear of being laughed at for being a virgin happend again. It-s not that bad but it did get to me on a level 5. (1-10 level)  My cousin, who is recovering from breast  cancer mainly laughed and called me crazy for not having sex up until now. I just started to feel i was running out of breath, dizzy. I told her its because I have a fear of rejection and attachments not a fear of sex. I started crying. Mainly she didn't appolagies i saw she felt bad and she try to change what she said but in my head I was shocked. I felt like i was 21 again.  My cousin was over and she calmed me down. I was fine up until 2 weeks ago. I started to feel very alone at home and I started to cry alot, not that was happening for two reasons

1.     I was afriad i was going to be alone for the rest of my life

2.     I was afraid of sexual rejection again

3.     I was afriad of not being able to deal with emotional pain.

And probably god know what but mainly i started to feel like everyone was leaving me again. I felt left behind.

After that i ran into a friend who i knew a few years and we started to make out one night , he wanted no strings I said I don-t know. I knew i could't at this time in my life have a no string relationship. Mainly after meeting with him two times. I started to subcousinly push my self to have sex with him . I didn't but i was telling my self its time and get over it. I started to beat myself mentally up becuase I felt rejected from alot of people.  At then end on a Sunday night when all my friends left town I started to talk my self into calling this guy and getting it over with I called him but he didn-t answer. I am happy for that today cause 30 mins later I started to run out of air and my heart  was beating like crazy. I can saz i had a attack I couldn-t breath I calm myself down quickly and when my cousin came to pick me up and take me to the ER I felt better right away . I went on tests and no one found anything wrong with me. I went home and then i was fine for a day or two and then again I started to run out of air.

I moved away from my apartment and into my brothers neighbourhood mainly an apartment was free next door. I started to eat again and sleep normal. I was then thinking and dealing with my fears. I figured out that I was afriad of living alone cause I felt like i was left alone in a big black box, and I was afriad of being laughed at or rejected in mz sex life. I feel much better now after 2 weeks. I only feel about the first 1 or 2 hours of the morning a bit anxiety. I wake up wondering and reruns in my head. Now I have had some form of anxiety before but only when i was rejecting change in my life and i got over it with time and I got a cat what helped me emotionallz open up alot. Now I don-t know where to start

How do i get over this fear of being rejected and left behind like a puppy?

I will keep a diary online with my daily emotion and how the mild anxiety is going.

Why i say mild because I just feel a bit of pressure in my chest but when i start to deeply breath in and out a few times I calm down alot and fast. Each day is a recovery but i think this time I need someones advice to help me through this...

Love you all minnie mouse 001

The paradox of being afraid of being alone and being afraid og rejection is very familiar.

To be clear on one thing first; there is absolutely nothing wrong with not having had sex. It's not a big deal at all, you have it when you're ready. Noone else has the right to decide for you when you're ready to have sex. Noone.

All fears have one thing in common. To conquer them, we have to face them. To stop being afraid of something, we basicly have to jump through the ring of fire and deal with the burns when we come out the other side. Eventually, we'll learn to jump the ring of fire without getting burned at all.  

Lets agree on one thing, there's no logical reason why you should be afraid of being let down by people. The guy you dated who said he didn't want to have sex with a virgin, is an idiot. There really aren't that many idiots around. Most people won't care if you're a virgin or not, they'll care how you are as a person. I think your fear of sex is driving you too much. It's like you're sprinting for third base before stopping by first and second. Take your time. Get to know people. I know that might be hard because of the guy that let you down, but you react to it the wrong way. What he did was his mistake, his fault, not yours. Him doing and saying that doesn't mean you're going to see the same in the future.

You need to build up your confidence. I mean, do you honestly think someone will laugh at you in a sexual experience? Cone on, I know that's not true. Your cousin laughed at you because she thought it was amusing that you've never had sex, but that sure as **** doesn't mean anyone would do it in an intimate situation. It seems being a virgin is a big deal for you, but I assure you, it's really not. It really doesn't matter.

What I sense though, is that you're more afraid of trusting people than anything else. Is there any reason to thing a guy would leave you after having sex? You seem to fear it's some kind of neccessity that after sex, he's gone and you're alone again. If it's really about sex, take it slowly. You shouldn't have sex with someone you don't trust, so start there. You don't even have to do it the first time, just be naked together, maybe masturbate in front of each other, for example. Take it exactly as slowly or as quickly as you want to. Don't rush it if you're not comfortable with it. One step at the time is ok.

Sex is about sharing something intimate, but it's also about having fun and playing. Don't take it so seriously. You mention several boyfriends, and they all wanted to have sex with you, so it's not you being anything near unattractive. And they obviously like you as a person. You have nothing to doubt about yourself.

So my advice? I'm afraid it's going to be a simple one, and the usual one:

"Own it"