Topic : Is This Normal?

Hi! I am a married mother.

I'm not very happy in my marriage. Lately ( a few months now) I have been having fantasy about having sex with womens. Out in the real world I don't look at women like that but on the internet I just can't stop. I've been going on lesbiens and bi-sexual sites but have not have the courage to post anything. From what I've read it seems normal cause it seems there's a lot of woman wanting to explore. Like I said I'm not happy in my marriage, he's not a bad guy I just don't think he has a clue and maybe a woman would and I don't only mean sexualy.

I guess what I would like is some input on how I'm feeling. Maybe somebody reading this has been in the same situation.

Thanks for listening.

I'm going out on a limb here but I'm guessing that you can have an orgasm when you masturbate and that she is the first sex partner you have had or that you couldn't with the others either.

I think that you're problem is probably psychological. You focuss your energy to much on getting a climax and are worried about not getting one. When you have sex, your head is spinning like crazy thinking all kind off thing and having all kind of worries. In turn this means that you are not in the moment, you are thinking about the past worrieing about the future but not feeling in the now. You are not enjoying the sex in the way that you could and therefor you cannot orgasm.

That it is going on for a long time makes it even worse. you failed the last time so I have to preform which makes that you can't. So next time you feel even more pressure which makes it even worse and so on.

Now I wan't you to start getting back in the moment again. Being their with yourself and your partner. I want to ask you to try the following excresizes: You will sit accross each other on the bed naked. looking in each others eyes. You will take turns and tell something about the other you like. This will help you feel at ease with you being naked around her and it will let you know that she appreachiates you.

Then try a full body massage. This will help you two get intimate whith each other without any pressure of preforming. It also helps you two get accostumed with her touching your body and you touching hers.

You can try meditating. It helps you learn to empty your mind and be in touch with your body and your surroundings you will learn how to get in the moment.

Last when you do have sex take time to build it up. Take a long evening for it. start by cooking a meal. lite some candles and feed each other small bites of food. take a bath together kissing stroking but not the genital area. dry each other off and take her to the bedroom and give a massage there after that you can touch each other genitals and start making it happen for real. This builds up the sexual tension really high and helps you get ready for the intercourse part of it. It makes it easier to get an orgasm that way. Most important part here is that you don't go to when you are going to have sex but stay in the moment.

I hoped I could help you and that you can get pleasure out of sex (once again)

Oet Gäöl

P.S. I'm not a sexologist and if my advice doesn't work I suggest you get help there they can help you a lot better then any message board user can. take care

Well what I read in your message is that you don't really like women but you are just not satisfied with your partner. What you should do is talk to him. Not what he does wrong but give hints like "I would love it if you would ..." or better "Oh I so like ..."

And when it comes to sex that is even more true, he doesn't have the same package as you so he doesn't know what turn you on. Just guide him a little. show what you like in your body and voice (just accentuate a little.) Or guide him a bit with your hands over his hands making movements you like for instance.

You will need to help him know what you like, he can't smell it unfortunatly. After a while he will probably pick it up on his own.

I hope you can work this out with him on your own or with a little help.

xx Oet Gäöl

I am in my 2nd marriage and love my husband dearly. However, I cannot seem to get thru to him that I don't have any interest in sex. As a child I was sexually molested by a family member. I said nothing at the time when I was 8-9 years of age. When I was about 29 years old I finally began to share what happened. Turns out that I was not the only family member this happened to. While dating my husband and early on in our marriage sex was great and frequent. However, since I had my last child who is now about to turn 9 I have had a significant loss of interest when it comes to sex. I enjoy cuddling, kissing, spending time together but nothing more. I actually cringe when my husband touches me in any way that can be a footstool to having a sexual experience with him. I am now 43. Can this be a delay from not dealing with the sexual abuse as a child?

Well I think this is something that we (the other board users) cannot answer for you, nor really help you with. You could try seeing a psychologist or sexologist for it if you want to (it wouldn't be wierd to do that for this kind of problem!!) I hope that you can solve this in a way that you can feel comfortable with.

Take care,

Oet Gäöl

Well it is normal that when a relationship grows the times you have sex goes down. If you are both happy with it then there is no problem but in this case it doesn't satisfy you so you need to work on it together. Don't compare your sexlife now to the way it was in the beginning of the relationship since that was unusually high (all relationships start out that way, but it is unrealistic that anyone can keep it up very long.)

You say you sometimes want to get even with him and say no yourself, but that is not a good idea. It will create an atmosphere in your relationship of negativity and getting even. It won't do any good to your sexlife in any case. Besides as you pointed out it will leave you unsatisfied.

So what to do? well relationship are communication which is also true for the sexual level of the relationship. Ofcourse you shouldn't bring it up right before you are going to do something or after you are rejected. Try it in a more neuteral time of day after dinner maybe. Talk about each others fantasies, turn-ons etc. Maybe he just wants to do something new but is afraid to ask or you might find out about something else that is bugging him.

Then there may be something in the way you offer the sex. You might go to fast for him. try doing it a bit slower seduce him. Start of by setting the mood in the room, feeding each other food and or giving him a massage.

Then it may be that your sex drive indeed is just higher at the moment then there is a solution that always helps. You have two hands and there are a lot of toys out there, I'd suggest you try them sometime...

My husband and I knew each other for about 5 months before we were married and have been married for 6 yrs now.  My husband and I haven't had sex in about a year and a half and prior to that I was lucky if it was once in a 6 month period. I would try to initiate it but there was always a reason for not being intimate (he was tired, had to be up early etc...) I gave up finally thinking it was all my fault. I have been sleeping on the couch for about a year. Within that year I have told him how I felt on several occasions only for it to end up the same again. I have a medical condition that for the first couple of years was very trying on my body (I was always ready and willing to be intimate however) and I gained weight. I was also in a very stressful job for about 5 yrs and gained additional weight. I am not happy with that fact but I have tried more than once to lose weight and did only to gain it back. During this time my husband also gained a lot of weight. However I have never with held sex from him for it. We recently had a huge fight about something and he ended up telling me that he hates me with a few other choice words. This hurt really, really bad. So bad I didn't talk to him for a week except quick yes and no answers. He apologized but it doesn't feel the same anymore. He had even said he forgot how to ask for sex. I wanted to laugh cus you don't ask your spouse for sex. It is something that should just happen naturally. His neglect of being an appreciative husband in other areas (cooking, cleaning etc.) has left me very bitter as well.  We do struggle financially as well because of unnecessary expenses (his boy toys). Now after this blow up when he tries to make a flirtatious pass at me it feels awkward and not natural.  Over the last several months I have discussed this with a friend via the internet. That friend has been more encouraging to me than my own husband. He tells me I am beautiful and is excited when I lose weight (a total of 16lbs now).  This friend is also not happy that my own husband would treat his wife in such a manner. I have needed so badly to hear loving words from my own husband and have told him this several times. I now am torn as to what to do. I am drowning in sorrow over this and its keeps me depressed. The only time I am not depressed is when I talk to my friend.  I would never think of an affair before but lately that has crossed my mind and now my heart is torn between my love of another man and my commitment for religious reasons to my husband because the love just isn’t there anymore and I think he knows that. He said to me the other day “you don’t love me anymore do you?” I said yes I do for sake of argument and so I didn’t have rehash out everything once again only for the result to be the same. That would be insanity.  I just don’t know what to do because nothing feels right anymore. I mean he has left me to wander with my eyes and now my heart.  I don’t want to betray him or God or my religion but the pain has been so unbearable.  I just long to be loved the way a wife should be. I have been so depressed over this at times that suicidal thoughts have entered my mind so I don’t have to face the problem but I know I can’t do that to all my family.  I used to right poetry and my friend and his encouragement I started to do so again. Here is a sample and any help with my situation is appreciated. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!