Topic : Is This Normal?

I need some advice, i'm in quite the situation and not sure what to do.

My partner and I  split 6 months ago and are still in a sexual relationship, better than ever I might add, anyhow, we've been talking about getting back together and it hinges on one thing.  I must have sex with multiple strange partners while he watches, and I MUST enjoy myself to prove to him how much i still care for him.  He says he wants me to enjoy myself even though he knows I was against this sexaul act when he first mentioned it years ago.  He says he is not willing to compromise or he will not come home. 

I've always believed that sex is something special that couples share in a relationship, this act that he wants me to do will feel like cheating even though he will be watching.  It goes against my beliefs and i want him and him only, not some stranger in my bed

We have had the stormiest and sometimes violent relationship and I do still care but i question if he wants me to do this.. Can he really care about me?  Will he even come home?  Can I live with myself after?  I don't know anymore.

My husband and I knew each other for about 5 months before we were married and have been married for 6 yrs now.  My husband and I haven't had sex in about a year and a half and prior to that I was lucky if it was once in a 6 month period. I would try to initiate it but there was always a reason for not being intimate (he was tired, had to be up early etc...) I gave up finally thinking it was all my fault. I have been sleeping on the couch for about a year. Within that year I have told him how I felt on several occasions only for it to end up the same again. I have a medical condition that for the first couple of years was very trying on my body (I was always ready and willing to be intimate however) and I gained weight. I was also in a very stressful job for about 5 yrs and gained additional weight. I am not happy with that fact but I have tried more than once to lose weight and did only to gain it back. During this time my husband also gained a lot of weight. However I have never with held sex from him for it. We recently had a huge fight about something and he ended up telling me that he hates me with a few other choice words. This hurt really, really bad. So bad I didn't talk to him for a week except quick yes and no answers. He apologized but it doesn't feel the same anymore. He had even said he forgot how to ask for sex. I wanted to laugh cus you don't ask your spouse for sex. It is something that should just happen naturally. His neglect of being an appreciative husband in other areas (cooking, cleaning etc.) has left me very bitter as well.  We do struggle financially as well because of unnecessary expenses (his boy toys). Now after this blow up when he tries to make a flirtatious pass at me it feels awkward and not natural.  Over the last several months I have discussed this with a friend via the internet. That friend has been more encouraging to me than my own husband. He tells me I am beautiful and is excited when I lose weight (a total of 16lbs now).  This friend is also not happy that my own husband would treat his wife in such a manner. I have needed so badly to hear loving words from my own husband and have told him this several times. I now am torn as to what to do. I am drowning in sorrow over this and its keeps me depressed. The only time I am not depressed is when I talk to my friend.  I would never think of an affair before but lately that has crossed my mind and now my heart is torn between my love of another man and my commitment for religious reasons to my husband because the love just isnt there anymore and I think he knows that. He said to me the other day you dont love me anymore do you? I said yes I do for sake of argument and so I didnt have rehash out everything once again only for the result to be the same. That would be insanity.  I just dont know what to do because nothing feels right anymore. I mean he has left me to wander with my eyes and now my heart.  I dont want to betray him or God or my religion but the pain has been so unbearable.  I just long to be loved the way a wife should be. I have been so depressed over this at times that suicidal thoughts have entered my mind so I dont have to face the problem but I know I cant do that to all my family.  I used to right poetry and my friend and his encouragement I started to do so again. Here is a sample and any help with my situation is appreciated. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

 I've been married for many years and my husband wanted to try swinging. I didnt want to but went along with it   for years  so he wouldnt get mad i was afraid of loosing him. i didnt like the way it made me feel about my self .Recently i told him i didnt want to any more he thinks im being selfish and its not abnormal for him to want this. i really hate being in those situations.I Our marriage is great other wise I dont think it will last if i dont go along with this i feel so much better about myself as a person once i put a stop to this I dont think im abnormal. help

My wife and I are active swingers for the past couple years and have been to a number of swinger clubs so I do have some experience in this area.  For starters tread very carefully in this matter and keep your eyes wide open and keep the channels of communication open at all times.   All men are titilated with the idea of swinging and  for the right couples doing it for the right reasons and in the right manner it can really enhance the level of trust, intimacy and communication between a couple.  HOWEVER it is not for most couples.  there is a good reason that the vast majority of the earth's population practices monogamy as it's official form of sexual expression.

Swinging may enhance a satisfying, stable and healthy relationship that already has a satisfying romantic and sexual relationship but it will quickly DESTROY a relationship that has any cracks in it at all.  My advice at this point is to think of it as a sexy fantasy and discuss it more and open up your communication with a lot of "what if?" questions.   Find some swinger message boards and read as much information there as you can from current active swingers.  I would also suggest looking into some actual homemade swinger videos and watching those together and discussing them.  Do NOT get commercial porn videos from Hollywood porn studios.  Real swingers are not young hardbodied porn models.  Real swingers are your middle aged next door neighbors with familys and strethmarks and receding hairlines and potbellys.

Don't jump into anything and don't let your SO talk you into anything just because he has a fantasy.  In order for your relationship to survive this has to be something  that you two do together as full equals and it has to be for both of your benifits.  Do lots of talking and research and make sure it is really something that both of you want to explore.

I need some advice, i'm in quite the situation and not sure what to do.

My partner and I  split 6 months ago and are still in a sexual relationship, better than ever I might add, anyhow, we've been talking about getting back together and it hinges on one thing.  I must have sex with multiple strange partners while he watches, and I MUST enjoy myself to prove to him how much i still care for him.  He says he wants me to enjoy myself even though he knows I was against this sexaul act when he first mentioned it years ago.  He says he is not willing to compromise or he will not come home. 

I've always believed that sex is something special that couples share in a relationship, this act that he wants me to do will feel like cheating even though he will be watching.  It goes against my beliefs and i want him and him only, not some stranger in my bed

We have had the stormiest and sometimes violent relationship and I do still care but i question if he wants me to do this.. Can he really care about me?  Will he even come home?  Can I live with myself after?  I don't know anymore.

I wish I had great advice, unfortunately I'm in a similar situation - not to that extreme though.  This is my first post.  I signed up to respond to your post.  All I can say is WATCH OUT!  There's so many problems I see here and things that could backfire.  It's a can of worms that can get out of hand in a hurry.  The biggest issue I see if that this is a must and it's an extreme must that suggests other issues your partner has.  If he loves you than he loves YOU and needs to keep his fantasies in check.  Has he said why this is such a big deal?  Is he prepared for the aftermath - what if you find someone else in the process, what if it's not as great to watch you do this as he thinks it is, etc... 

My DH had been strongly suggesting for me to sleep with other men for a couple of years.  I was like you and found it wrong on multiple levels.  He didn't say he wanted to watch, he didn't have any 'rules' for it other than I couldn't love that person.  He swore that he didn't want to sleep with other women.  He thought it was rev up my libido.

I shrugged it off for a long time.  And even felt a little put off that he would be okay with sahring me that way. Then last fall I finally thought I'd keep an open mind.  We'd been having some issues and were getting better so I thought maybe it would be okay - even though I still really struggled with it.  To buy some time and make sure that I would stay in control of the situation I said that I wasn't ok w/him sleeping around, I would have to know and feel comfortable with this person & they'd have to be safe (meaning clean, nice, and w/little risk of the word getting out).

Several weeks later I mentioned one of my male friends as a 'possiblity', but I was still very iffy about it for a number of reasons.  DH kept pushing for me to tell this friend how he felt and see if there was an option for that.  I did, but was clear with my friend that I wasn't sure that I was okay even though DH was.  As we started talking about the possibilty and getting to know each other better we realized that we had feelings & that this wouldn't just be sex.  We decided to stop going down that slippery slope.  I didn't tell DH, b/c i didn't want to hurt him and I wanted to keep my marriage and not persue other routes.  DH confronted me and I admitted to having a crush.  All hell broke loose.  He threatened to leave.  I broke the only rule - even though it wasn't on purpose and I was against the idea to begin with.  Even though I didn't act on those feelings I broke his heart.  On top of other issues we were already dealing with this has been horrendous. 

Now on top of having a crumbling marriage I have to distance myself from a friend who didn't choose this.   DH and I put him in an akward position.

After the blow-up I found that DH had signed up for a swinger/hook-up sex site.  He had e-mail accounts that I didn't know about.  He was taking MBA classes and going to the same bar to have a beer to 'unwind' after every class.  He still wanted to go 'check out' a night club that catered to swingers.  He even suggested that we have a shell marriage and date/have sex with other people.  He went nuts secretly spying on me - searching through my stuff, SIM card Reader, Keylogger, trying to hack into my acounts trying to find out 'how I really felt about him'.  Meanwhile I keep thinking what is he hiding?

My life is pitiful and I wouldn't be in this place if I had stuck to my guns.  Even if it doesn't go this bad for you is this how you want to start over in your relationship - him forcing you to do something you don't want to?  What will it lead to down the line sexually or in everyday events?

Since you are an active swinger I'd like to ask you your opinion on something.  First what made you and your wife decide to head down that path?  Do you ever get mixed up emotionally with partners?  Does it help or hender your physical relationship between the two of you?

My DH had been strongly suggesting that I sleep with other men for over 2 yrs.  I was not interested and was concerned that he wanted to sleep with other women.  He said no, he just thought it would rev up my libido.  I started to be cautiously open to the idea, though still not comfortable.  He wanted to go check out a swingers club in town - not to participate, but just to see what it was like (or so he said).

I started having feelings for a prospective partner and that broke Dh's heart.  Even though I stopped everything before we got pysical and said I wanted Dh not this other man. It wasn't good enough b/c he says he would never develop a crush on anyone else and that he's felt that he loved me more than I loved him for years. He was fine with sharing my body, but not my heart. 

After the blow-up I found that he had a profile on a swinger/hook-up site.  He'd been going out for a beer at one particular bar everytime he had a MBA class.  He withdrew significantly and for awhile even wanted us to have a shell marriage where we dated other people.  The whole thing has left me confused, hurt, feeling guilty, and untrusting.

I suppose what I'd like to know from you is what you think his plan really was when he started bring this up yrs ago?  Was it really just for me?  Was it for him?  Was he trying to ease me into the swinger life?  Did he just underestimate the consequences of opening that door?  Am I crazy to believe/feel that I am being punished for something I didn't mean to do (feelings) and that wouldn't have happened if he hadn't have pushed me that direction?  Don't get me wrong I am very willing to take my share of the blame - I am carrying significant guilt over this. 

I need some advice, i'm in quite the situation and not sure what to do.

My partner and I  split 6 months ago and are still in a sexual relationship, better than ever I might add, anyhow, we've been talking about getting back together and it hinges on one thing.  I must have sex with multiple strange partners while he watches, and I MUST enjoy myself to prove to him how much i still care for him.  He says he wants me to enjoy myself even though he knows I was against this sexaul act when he first mentioned it years ago.  He says he is not willing to compromise or he will not come home. 

I've always believed that sex is something special that couples share in a relationship, this act that he wants me to do will feel like cheating even though he will be watching.  It goes against my beliefs and i want him and him only, not some stranger in my bed

We have had the stormiest and sometimes violent relationship and I do still care but i question if he wants me to do this.. Can he really care about me?  Will he even come home?  Can I live with myself after?  I don't know anymore.